BOOOORING: The Dullest Movies I've Ever Seen (aka the Fast-Forward Button list)
The only thing worse than an irritatingly idiotic movie is a monotonous piece of garbage.
Here's a few sleeping pills I sat through, with or without the aid of man's best friend, the fast-forward button.
I have posted comments on IMDb for nearly all the movies listed.
There are SPOILERS in most of the reviews.
http://imdb.com/user/ur7059410/comments
NOTE: None of the films I listed on my "Worst Meryl Streep Films" list are here, but you can count them in too.
COMMENTS: The comments section changes introduced several years ago have basically ruined what used to be a fun interaction between list-maker and reader, hence I will be disabling comments on nearly all of my lists. (I said nearly: you're free to spend an hour perusing my other lists to find one that does allow comments.) So if you want to let me know what you think, PM me.
Oh no, wait. They've disabled PMs. So I guess there is no way you can share your views of my lists and reviews with me. That's called "progress".
Here's a few sleeping pills I sat through, with or without the aid of man's best friend, the fast-forward button.
I have posted comments on IMDb for nearly all the movies listed.
There are SPOILERS in most of the reviews.
http://imdb.com/user/ur7059410/comments
NOTE: None of the films I listed on my "Worst Meryl Streep Films" list are here, but you can count them in too.
COMMENTS: The comments section changes introduced several years ago have basically ruined what used to be a fun interaction between list-maker and reader, hence I will be disabling comments on nearly all of my lists. (I said nearly: you're free to spend an hour perusing my other lists to find one that does allow comments.) So if you want to let me know what you think, PM me.
Oh no, wait. They've disabled PMs. So I guess there is no way you can share your views of my lists and reviews with me. That's called "progress".
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- DirectorTerry GilliamStarsJohnny DeppBenicio Del ToroTobey MaguireAn oddball journalist and his psychopathic lawyer travel to Las Vegas for a series of psychedelic escapades.http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0120669/usercomments-551
- DirectorKar-Wai WongStarsTony Leung Chiu-waiZiyi ZhangFaye WongSeveral women enter a science fiction author's life over the course of a few years, after the author has lost the woman he considers his one true love.First of all, the movie starts with the caption "Was nominated for a Palme D'Or". If pretentious European critics loved it, then that should be warning enough.
In fact, the caption should say: "WARNING: This movie was in the running for a major European award. You HAVE been warned".
I have rarely been this BORED watching a movie – actually, watching ANYTHING. The first half – which is more than a full hour – is particularly dull. A bunch of uninteresting characters, Clark Gable being the most uninteresting of them all, and dialog that is so irrelevant, so pointless, and so BORING.
To make things worse, everything is set inside, so the movie tends to get a little claustrophobic as well. When we are given the occasional glimpse of the sky it becomes symbolic: symbolic of the viewer's cry for FREEDOM, "Get me out of this closed-up, dull movie!!!" It almost felt like watching "Cube" – minus the interesting plot.
The entire comment:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0212712/usercomments-187 - DirectorRichard LesterStarsMichael CrawfordJohn LennonRoy KinnearAn inept British World War II commander leads his troops through a series of misadventures in North Africa and Europe.
- DirectorSimon FellowsStarsHeather GrahamJames PurefoyFionnula FlanaganA fertility clinic visit becomes an unfathomable nightmare for a woman who's impregnated with the devil's DNA.From the word "go" this film had "Rosemary's Baby" written all over it. Not only is "Blessed" utterly predictable but it's also amazingly dull and drawn-out. The wafer-thin plot could have easily been told in under 30 minutes. There are so many irrelevant scenes, especially the ones showing how much Graham and her hubby love each other, you'll find yourself very restless and very soon. There is no tension at all. We know she's carrying the anti-Christ. I mean, what else could it be? Mickey Mouse? Roseanne? A pair of underwear? The fact that they're twins – and female - is hardly a huge enough leap in originality (that would have been necessary) to at least semi-save this stinker from total doom.
And there are cast problems, too. Obviously Hemmings died during the making so his voice was dubbed – and dubbed very badly. The guy playing Graham's husband is bland and a bad actor; check out the scene in which the two have a fight while he tries to write: there is some truly unconvincing acting on his part. However, it's Andy Serkis and his laughable imitation of an Italian priest that gets "top" honours. Serkis must have been thinking he was still playing Gollum because his over-acting is inane. - DirectorArnaud DesplechinStarsSummer PhoenixIan HolmFabrice DesplechinA Jewish girl in nineteenth century London, dreams of becoming a stage actress.Overlong drama that isn't capable of making any real point. So she became an actress - so what? She learned to love - big deal. There is a certain eccentricity among the characters and in the dialog and situations, but the kind which is bad for the movie, causing it to often seem absurd.
Summer Phoenix, playing the lead, talks and behaves like a semi-retarded person, so there is no choice but to watch the movie as about a retarded girl that makes it in the world of theater - which was clearly not the intended point. We are told early on (in that "Barry Lyndon"-like narration) that she learned to hide her emotions, which certainly explains her autistic stone-face, but the movie suffers for it. She basically walks around like a zombie, and her success as an actress isn't quite credible given her lack of emotions (the again, she DID get this role, didn't she?). Occasionally, the movie had that dull, sleepy feel of a Dogma 95 movie. Is it one? I wouldn't be at all surprised.
Summer Phoenix is sister of Joaquin Phoenix and the late River Phoenix. Nepotism rarely works. - DirectorUwe BollStarsChristian SlaterTara ReidStephen DorffA detective of the paranormal slowly unravels mysterious events with deadly results.
- DirectorRoy Ward BakerStarsJames DonaldAndrew KeirBarbara ShelleyA mysterious artifact is unearthed in London, and famous scientist Bernard Quatermass is called in to divine its origins and explain its strange effects on people.Cheap-looking movie with obvious roots in TV. Some of the special-effects are so cheesy that they wouldn't be good enough for the 60s "Star Trek". The insect-like aliens are unconvincing, though the cast of this movie would beg to differ; upon the aliens' discovery everyone made a grimace of disgust, whereas - I felt - they should have laughed at those bad cardboard Martians. Even worse is the b&w "recording" of the Martians, in which they look like bad grasshopper-puppets wandering around aimlessly. Those special-effects would have been acceptable in the 50s, but f'rcrissakes, this movie was made in the same year as "2001" (but perhaps I'm being unfair with that comparison). The ship doesn't look bad, though.
The entire comment:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0062168/usercomments-79 - DirectorHal HartleyStarsPaul AustinRobert John BurkeMartin DonovanThree short films about lovers' ultimatums are set in New York, Berlin and Tokyo.By far Hartley's worst film.
This is crap. To make the same, boring old ("human condition") point about people being in the same situations regardless of nationality, race, or sexual preference is bad enough. But does it have to be made through tiresome repetitiveness of the same dialogue, over and over? This is a very boring and lifeless film. It's also visually one of the worst I've seen in a while; did I read in the credits that someone was in charge of cinematography? Maybe it was the film's gaffer.
The first story is okay, the German one is utterly horrible, and the Japanese one sleep-inducing. This looks like a very rushed and messy endeavor, and the acting is at times atrocious - especially in the German segment (The Germans, apart from some notable exceptions, have pretty weak actors).
If you want some high-quality indie comedy(or)drama from Hartley, check out "Amateur", "Henry Fool", or "The Unbelievable Truth" – all very funny, eccentric movies. - DirectorJonathan KingStarsOliver DriverNathan MeisterTammy DavisAn experiment in genetic engineering turns harmless sheep into bloodthirsty killers that terrorize a sprawling New Zealand farm.These Black Sheep are BS.
When Monty Python did their little low-budget "flying sheep" sketch, it was so much funnier than all the gags in BS put together. There are hundreds of horror films with killer rats, killer bats, killers this and killers that. I suppose it's alright to give New Zealenders and their fluffy animals a chance, as well. A lack of originality in the premise isn't the problem. The problem is it simply isn't funny. There are perhaps one or two grin-worthy moments, but that's about it. There is the usual NZ frenzied acting and gore. It seems Peter Jackson's NZ worshipers realize that "if you can't rip off LOTR, for lack of a budget, why not try with a splatter comedy like 'Bad Taste'", or as NZ-ers would say: "Bad Teeste". This would seem a wise choice in light of the fact that splatter comedies are "in" right now. Alas, nearly all of them are unfunny and mediocre. Mixing humour with gore requires a clever script and a fitting direction. Even though the movie mocks New Age esoteric save-the-world morons to some extent, it also includes a pro-Green message, which is the ultimate stupidity. A comedy splatter film preaching to us? What's next? Drew Barrymore writing a book about cosmology? - DirectorMichael BlakemoreStarsPatrick PearsonMichael ElphickJoe MeliaThe members of S.A.D.U.S.E.A. (Song and Dance Unit South East Asia) fall in and out of love while trying to dodge Malayan Communist bullets in the late 1940s. Not only that, they have to contend with Bible bashing Major Giles Flack (John Cleese), who creates far more danger than any of the jungle inhabitants. Only gay Acting Captain Terri Dennis (Denis Quilley) seems to be capable of coping with him, but even he isn't aware of the cowardly Sergeant Major Reg Drummond (Michael Elphick) selling arms to the natives.
- DirectorAnna Benson GylesStarsBrenda FrickerMiranda RichardsonMichael OntkeanRose Hindmarsh finds herself at the centre of a controversy when she meets author Sarah Maloney as she investigates the life of Mary Swann, an obscure poet who was brutally murdered in a small town in rural Ontario.This non-event of a film is about a real-life murdered female poet whose work gets appreciated/discovered only after her husband hacks her into bits. That's a cliché already. (And anyway: screw poetry.) But there aren't too many other clichés because something has to happen in a movie in order for it to even have clichés. It's slow-moving and dull. Miranda Richardson shows her breasts (well, one breast) in an early scene and that remains the only highlight. Why she wasted her time and talent on this forgettable crap, only she knows (it couldn't have been the money, given this budget). The big revelation at the end is that Swann's neighbour wrote parts of the poetry; now how's that for a mind-blowing revelation?! Audiences, hold on to your seats!
- DirectorBetty ThomasStarsSandra BullockViggo MortensenDominic WestA big-city newspaper columnist is forced to enter a drug and alcohol rehab center after ruining her sister's wedding and crashing a stolen limousine.A woman is forced to go to re-hab for drug and alcohol addiction, where she falls in love with Aragorn.
Oh Lord, thou hast givest us seldom a more boring & utterly pointless film than this. 100% dreary, a dull affair, real torture to sit through. Bullock's movies are always total crap, but this one really takes the cake (and shoves it down the viewer's throat). The story is one big fat dull cliché, with Bullock ridiculously miscast and very unconvincing as a free spirit and recovering junkie/alcoholic. At the beginning I thought the film would be a comedy, but I was stunned when I realized that this was an actual attempt at a "socially relevant" drama. TV drama-of-the-week moron-fodder, actually...
The film really did feel like 28 days. A small tip to those who want to watch this in spite of all warnings: watch it over a period of 28 days, 3-4 minutes a day, and you might just survive it without breaking something or falling into a permanent coma. Hollywood at its 90s worst. - DirectorJohn TurturroStarsLeo BassiHenri BéharMaurizio BenazzoA turn-of-the-20th-century theatre repertory company rejects the latest project of their beloved playwright Tuccio, kicking off a saga of intrigue surrounding the influential critic Bevalaqua and star Celimene.Best around the middle, when most characters get horny and go after someone they haven't had before. It is around this point that we get to see Susan Sarandon's majestic breasts (even if through a veil). Strangely enough, Beverly D'Angelo who isn't shy about nudity doesn't show any at all, while Aida Turturro – of all people – does. On the other end of the spectrum, the less said about Walken playing a homosexual the better. The film itself has little plot; the dialogs from the theater play and the "normal" dialogs cross over often and that's not the sort of thing I'd consider a good idea. Life in the theater: who cares? Occasionally the dialog has something going for it, but the film drags far too often.
- DirectorDavid SapersteinStarsMartin SheenChristian SlaterRobert FoxworthEric moves to his dad in Oregon after accidentally firing a rocket into his high school. He befriends Mara and a retired astronaut.
- DirectorBaz LuhrmannStarsNicole KidmanEwan McGregorJohn LeguizamoA poor Bohemian poet in 1890s Paris falls for a beautiful courtesan and nightclub star coveted by a jealous duke.Visually impressive - though unfortunately over reliant on red - musical that seems to drift in a Netherworld between very broad comedy and romantic drama. Too long, and quite full of dull dialogues with most supporting characters overacting their asses off. The musical numbers are mostly forgettable, occasionally even awful - like the rape of "Roxanne", the idiotic version of "Smells Like Teen Spirit", the dried up and never-has-been-good, tedious "Madame Chocolat" (or whatever the hell it's called), and the utterly hopeless choice of one or two Madonna(!) songs. Talk about bad taste.
Another musical problem is Nicole Kidman's voice, which is clearly quite inferior to McGregor's surprisingly solid voice; she doesn't so much sing as she whispers - a true mark of someone with a weak voice.
The "whisper cop-out" is often used by women who try to disguise the fact that their voice doesn't measure up. This never becomes more obvious than when the two leads sing together; she simply pales by comparison.
Also, the two have been mismatched: 1) she is older than him, 2) he is charismatic, she isn't, and 3) most importantly, she is a head taller. McGregor is solid, but he can't help this movie much. And how's that last "message" we get at the very end of the end-credits: "truth", "beauty", and "above all... love". How profound and how friggin' touching'. Come on everybody, let's all sing bad 80s/90s hits (or 80s/90s hits covered badly) and pull out our handkerchiefs and whimper a lot. Still, it could be worse: it could be "Chicago". - DirectorRobert Z. LeonardStarsWilliam PowellMyrna LoyLuise RainerThe ups and downs of Florenz Ziegfeld Jr., famed producer of extravagant stage revues, are portrayed.
- DirectorMichael LehmannStarsJosh HartnettShannyn SossamonPaulo CostanzoAfter a brutal break-up, a young man vows to stay celibate during the forty days of Lent, but finds the girl of his dreams and is unable to do anything about it.
- DirectorOren PeliStarsKatie FeatherstonMicah SloatMark FredrichsAfter moving into a suburban home, a couple becomes increasingly disturbed by a nightly demonic presence.Plenty of "Normal Activity" for a (home-)movie claiming to offer the paranormal.
People continually going upstairs downstairs is rather normal activity. People sleeping between midnight and morning I hear is quite common behavior too. Not to mention the exciting arguments over whether the movie's main camera should be recording the trivial proceedings or not. But I guess the movie's title must be referring to the inexplicable hence supernatural effect the movie had of people screaming in theaters as they watched it, their Neanderthal jaws dropping in horror. Only black magic can account for this turkey raking in as much dough as it did.
Just because a dozen or so little ol' ladies shrieked in horror while watching PA (they were probably given free tickets by the cunning producers) and then ran out of the theater gasping for air, doesn't mean that the rest of the audience were shaking in terror too. I refuse to believe all those idiotic hype-reports of people fainting while watching this 35-cent crap-o-rama. Or are today's audiences truly that stupid? Have years of viewing Nicholas Cage action flicks and Meryl Streep dramas so exhausted/drained the viewers's collective brains?
The entire comment:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1179904/usercomments-916 - DirectorTerry GilliamStarsJeff BridgesJennifer TillyJodelle FerlandBecause of the actions of her irresponsible parents, a young girl is left alone on a decrepit country estate and survives inside her fantastic imagination.
- DirectorHenry KosterStarsJames StewartWallace FordWilliam H. LynnDue to his insistence that he has an invisible six foot-tall rabbit for a best friend, a whimsical middle-aged man is thought by his family to be insane - but he may be wiser than anyone knows.Jimmy Stewart sees a giant rabbit, and it's just HILARIOUS.
Without an iota of doubt one of the worst comedies ever made, held high in the cinematic sky - for unfathomable reasons - by all the critics. There is also no doubt about another thing: if a movie were made today with this idiotic/sophomoric script, and with this kind of bad acting, for sure it would be dismissed by every critic as the unfunny crap that it is. The humour is juvenile, obvious, and predictable, the jokes are pathetic, and the characterizations have less credibility than a 5-cent Mickey Mouse comic. The movie seems to plow through with difficulty; bad plot-devices are constantly used to make the plot go one way or another. This is forgivable when a comedy is funny, but when it's this bad, it just stinks. Half-way through the movie I lost all interest in the proceedings. I could literally go through the whole movie, scene be scene, and explain in detail why the scenes or the "gags" bomb (we're talking hydrogen bombs here), but doing that with an unfunny comedy is tiresome and depressing...
The entire comment:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0042546/usercomments-137 - DirectorDennis HopperStarsPeter FondaDennis HopperJack NicholsonTwo bikers head from L.A. to New Orleans through the open country and desert lands, and along the way they meet a man who bridges a counter-culture gap of which they had been unaware.
- DirectorMichael AlmereydaStarsEthan HawkeKyle MacLachlanDiane VenoraModern-day New York City adaptation of Shakespeare's immortal story about Hamlet's plight to avenge his father's murder.Yet another modernistic Shakespeare adaptation.
Is this a major piece of pretentious garbage or what? First of all, a Shakespeare play set in the modern world: how original!!! It was original when "Richard III" (with McKellen) was done a few years back. But it was already unoriginal when Luhrman copied this idea and filmed his utterly idiotic version of "Romeo & Juliet", with everyone armed with machine guns, for what is probably one of the worst movies ever made. It was not original when "Titus" was made, even if in "Titus" they sort of played back-and-forth with the past and present. But at least "Titus" was okay - and it's never been filmed before, as far as I know.
But "Hamlet"...?? First of all, there have been so many versions of this play, especially in recent years, that there is no excuse or reason for anyone to film another version, and I don't care how much new energy they want to inject into it, or try a new approach to the whole thing, bla bla bla. Isn't it bad enough that Branagh made a 4-hour version of it?! When that piece of crap came out I thought that no one could ever "top" that in sheer self-indulgence.
Entire review:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0171359/usercomments-143 - DirectorMike FiggisStarsJulian SandsSaffron BurrowsStefano DionisiNic's life in glimpses at ages 5, 12, 16 and later film director and husband/dad.
- DirectorBrad SilberlingStarsJim CarreyJude LawMeryl StreepWhen a massive fire kills their parents, three children are delivered to the custody of cousin and stage actor Count Olaf, who is secretly plotting to steal their parents' vast fortune.
- DirectorBlake EdwardsStarsRoberto BenigniHerbert LomClaudia CardinaleCharles Dreyfus encounters Jacques Gambrelli, who reminds him painfully of Inspector Clouseau, the man who drove him insane. With good reason: Gambrelli is Clouseau's son.