Roger Ebert's I HATED, HATED, HATED THIS MOVIE
The movies listed in Ebert's first compilation of bad films from 2000. -- https://amzn.to/2JaKRb6
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- DirectorTom ShadyacStarsJim CarreyCourteney CoxSean YoungA goofy detective specializing in animals goes in search of the missing mascot of the Miami Dolphins."The movie basically has one joke, which is Ace Ventura's weird nerdy strangeness. If you laugh at this joke, chances are you laugh at Jerry Lewis, too, and I can sympathize with you even if I can't understand you. I found the movie a long, unfunny slog through an impenetrable plot. Kids might like it.
Real little kids." - DirectorSteve OedekerkStarsJim CarreyIan McNeiceSimon CallowAce Ventura, Pet Detective, returns from a spiritual quest to investigate the disappearance of a rare white bat, the sacred animal of a tribe in Africa."I knew a guy once who had an amazing party trick. He could tilt his head back and stick a straw all the way up his nose. I hesitate to recount this memory, because if my review falls into the hands of Jim Carrey, we'll see that trick in the next Ace Ventura movie and, believe me, it's not the kind of trick you want to see again."
- DirectorArthur HillerStarsRyan O'NealCoolioChuck DWhen a rookie filmmaker with the unfortunate name Alan Smithee realizes he's an unwitting studio puppet, being forced to make a big-budget action movie he knows is horrible, he steals the master reels and tries to make a deal."One is accustomed to seeing bad movies, but not incompetent ones. Sophomores in a film class could make a better film than this. Hell, I have a movie here by Les Brown, a kid who looks about 12 and filmed a thriller in his mother's basement, faking a fight scene by wrestling with a dummy. If I locked you in a room with both movies, you'd end up looking at the kid's."
- DirectorJean-Pierre JeunetStarsSigourney WeaverWinona RyderDominique PinonTwo centuries after her death, a powerful human/alien hybrid clone of Ellen Ripley aids a crew of space pirates in stopping the aliens from reaching Earth."This is a series whose inspiration has come, gone, and been forgotten."
- DirectorLewis TeagueStarsRobert ForsterRobin RikerMichael V. GazzoA pet baby alligator is flushed down a toilet and survives in the city sewers. Twelve years later, it grows to an enormous size thanks to a diet of discarded laboratory dogs injected with growth hormones. Now, humans have entered the menu."These early scenes in the movie are probably the best, because they work on the dumb fundamental level where we're all afraid of being eaten by an alligator in a sewer. (Show me a man who is not afraid of being eaten by an alligator in a sewer, and I'll show you a fool.)"
- DirectorAlbert MagnoliStarsMitchell GaylordTiny WellsJanet JonesSteve has given up on football and gymnastics after breaking an arm. Julie comes to town to train for the U.S. gymnastics championship, the first step to the Olympics. They meet and she motivates him to return to the gym."Skilled moviemakers know that, in sports movies, you don't create suspense by making something look easy, but by making it look difficult. Yet Gaylord's competitive routines in "American Anthem" are the equivalent of a "Rocky" movie where Rocky knocks his opponent unconscious with the first swing."
- DirectorAnthony WallerStarsTom Everett ScottJulie DelpyVince VielufAn American man unwittingly gets involved with French werewolves who have developed a serum allowing them to transform at will."I was not one of the big fans of John Landis' original 1981 film, "An American Werewolf in London,'' but, glancing over my old review, I find such phrases as "spectacular set pieces,'' "genuinely funny moments'' and "sequences that are spellbinding.'' My review of the Paris werewolves will not require any of those phrases."
- DirectorRoger VadimStarsRebecca De MornayVincent SpanoFrank LangellaAspiring and incarcerated rock singer, Robin Shea (Rebecca De Mornay) seduces hardworking carpenter Billy Moran (Vincent Spano). Robin marries Billy to get out of jail, but Robin's concerns are on politician James Tiernan (Frank Langella)."Movies like this frustrate me because they do not have enough ambition to match their imagination."
- DirectorAndy TennantStarsJodie FosterChow Yun-FatBai LingThe story of the romance between the King of Siam and widowed British schoolteacher, Anna Leonowens, during the 1860s."Now here is a straight dramatic version of the material, named "Anna and the King," starring Jodie Foster opposite the Hong Kong action star Chow Yun-Fat. It is long and mostly told in the same flat monotone, but has one enormous advantage over the musical: It does not contain "I Whistle a Happy Tune.""
- DirectorMichael BayStarsBruce WillisBilly Bob ThorntonBen AffleckAfter discovering that an asteroid the size of Texas will impact Earth in less than a month, NASA recruits a misfit team of deep-core drillers to save the planet."Here it is at last, the first 150-minute trailer. "Armageddon" is cut together like its own highlights. Take almost any 30 seconds at random, and you'd have a TV ad. The movie is an assault on the eyes, the ears, the brain, common sense and the human desire to be entertained. No matter what they're charging to get in, it's worth more to get out."
- DirectorLarry PeerceStarsElizabeth TaylorHenry FondaHelmut BergerAfter getting plastic surgery in Switzerland to help rejuvenate her shaky marriage, Barbara Sawyer has an affair with a younger man while waiting for her husband's arrival from the U.S."The movie's story is not really very interesting, but we're intrigued because the star is Taylor. Weak as the role is, she was nevertheless just about the inevitable choice to play it."
- DirectorRichard DonnerStarsSylvester StalloneAntonio BanderasJulianne MooreProfessional hit-man Robert Rath wants to fulfill a few more contracts before retiring but unscrupulous ambitious newcomer hit-man Miguel Bain keeps killing Rath's targets."Believe me, I know how to believe stuff when it happens in the movies. I believe bicycles can fly. I believe sharks can eat boats. I even believe pigs can talk. But I do not believe "Assassins," because this movie is filled with such preposterous impossibilities that Forrest Gump could have improved it with a quick rewrite."
- DirectorAnita RosenbergStarsElizabeth KaitanChristina WhitakerTammara SouzaTwo go-go dancers, Lulu and Peaches, are framed for the murder of their employer by the real killer, sleazy gangster Vinnie. Picking up waitress Darlene along the way, the three are involved in wild car chases with cops as they head south to cross the border into Mexico, where they unexpectedly encounter Vinnie in a fleabag Mexican motel."The title is, of course, the best thing about it. I saw this film advertised at last year's Cannes Film Festival, where it was a finalist, along with "Space Sluts in the Slammer" and "Surf Nazis Must Die!" in my annual search for the most unforgettable bad-movie title since "Blood-Sucking Monkeys of Forest Lawn." The amazing thing about the title is that it does, indeed, accurately describe the movie."
- DirectorKevin ConnorStarsDoug McClurePeter CushingCaroline MunroA Victorian era scientist and his assistant take a test run in their Iron Mole drilling machine and end up in a strange underground labyrinth ruled by a species of giant telepathic bird and full of prehistoric monsters and cavemen."David is played by Doug McClure. You remember Doug McClure. Good. I don't."
- DirectorMike NewellStarsCharlton HestonSusannah YorkJill TownsendAn archeologist discovers his daughter is possessed by the spirit of an Egyptian queen. To save mankind he must destroy her."The Awakening is bad in so many ways that I'll just have space to name a few. It is, for example, completely implausible in its approach to the science of archaeology-- so hilariously inaccurate, indeed, that I can recommend the move to archeologists without any reservations whatsoever. They'll bust a gut."
- DirectorArthur HillerStarsJohn GoodmanKelly McGillisTrini AlvaradoBabe Ruth becomes a baseball legend but is unheroic to those who know him."Spending these 115 minutes with the Babe is a little like being jammed into the window seat on a long-distance bus, next to a big guy with beer and cigars on his breath and nothing to talk about but his next meal and his last broad."
- DirectorBob ClarkStarsKathleen TurnerChristopher LloydKim CattrallScientists hold super intelligent talking babies captive, but things take a turn for the worse when a mix-up occurs between a baby genius and its twin."This is not right."
- DirectorRobert TownsendStarsHalle BerryNatalie Desselle ReidMartin LandauTwo tacky homegirls move to L.A. to become dancers; instead they scam a dying millionaire but eventually become B*A*P*S (Black American Princesses)."There is a thin line between satire and offensiveness, and this crosses it. Its portraits of these two working-class black women have been painted with snobbery and scorn. The actresses don't inhabit the caricatures with conviction. The result is a hurtful stereotype, because the comedy doesn't work to redeem it.
We should sense some affection for them from the filmmakers, but we don't--not until they receive a magic Hollywood makeover in the later scenes of the movie, and miraculously lose their gold teeth. The movie invites us to laugh at them, not with them, but that's a moot point since the audience I joined did not laugh at all, except incredulously." - DirectorAlfonso BresciaStarsLincoln TateLucretia LovePaola TedescoA tribe of vicious female warriors terrorizes the countryside, and especially the males, until one day the men and some local villagers decide to fight back."One thing is for sure: No movie in the last 20 years has been dubbed more ineptly. No, not even "Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster." In one scene, a man has his head split open with a ferocious blow from a sword. On the screen we see his lips opening in an anguished scream. On the soundtrack we hear him say, in English: "Oh, no!" It is possible to respect his opinion while questioning his sincerity."
- DirectorKen KwapisStarsFran DrescherTimothy DaltonIan McNeiceA New York City cosmetologist, mistakenly thought to be a science teacher, is offered a job to teach the children of an Eastern European dictator."The direction is by Ken Kwapis, whose "He Said, She Said" (1992) is invaluable for getting you from John Tesh to the Addams Family in the Kevin Bacon game. Kwapis tries to build suspense where none can possibly exist, which is always an annoyance; is it a crime for a movie to know as much about its story as the audience does?"
- DirectorRod DanielStarsCharles GrodinBonnie HuntNicholle TomBeethoven, the St. Bernard dog, becomes a father, but his girlfriend Missy is dognapped, and his puppies are in danger of the same fate."There is a scene in "Beethoven's 2nd" in which Beethoven, who is a large St. Bernard dog, takes his girlfriend, Missy, also a large St. Bernard, to a drive-in theater for the movies. They sit on a hill above the parking lot, where they have a good view of the screen.
This much I was prepared to believe. Some dogs are very clever. But when Beethoven came back with a box of popcorn for Missy, I realized these were not ordinary dogs but two of amazing intelligence, and when it was revealed that Missy got pregnant later that night, I found myself asking if they'd never heard of taking precautions." - DirectorJohn SchlesingerStarsMartin SheenHelen ShaverHarley CrossCal Jamison, a police psychologist, is forced to deal with a series of ritualistic murders and a malevolent cult."There are lots of shots of ashes and blood and weird little voodoo charms, but no real explanations of what's going on-- possibly because it doesn't matter."
- DirectorPhil KarlsonStarsLee MontgomeryJoseph CampanellaArthur O'ConnellA lonely boy befriends Ben, the leader of a violent swarm of killer rats."You know what a geek is, or at least you do if you grew up near a county fairgrounds like I did. He's the guy who bites the head off a living chicken. I used to hate the geek show, but I sat through it manfully because that was a test of your courage. If you passed it, you got to pay the extra quarter and see the lady who was tattooed all over. Also the Half-Man, Half-Woman, who, to my intense disappointment, turned out to be the wrong half of each."
- DirectorBernardo BertolucciStarsThandiwe NewtonDavid ThewlisClaudio SantamariaWhile in exile in Italy, an African woman finds herself trying to get back home and free her imprisoned husband. But the only man that can help her do so is in love with her."Bernardo Bertolucci's "Besieged" is a movie about whether two people with nothing in common, who have no meaningful conversations, will have sex--even if that means dismissing everything we have learned about the woman. It is also about whether we will see her breasts. How can a director of such sophistication, in a film of such stylistic grace, tell such a shallow and evasive story?"
- DirectorLucio FulciStarsCatriona MacCollDavid WarbeckCinzia MonrealeA young woman inherits an old hotel in Louisiana where, following a series of supernatural "accidents", she learns that the building was built over one of the entrances to Hell."In a film filled with bad dialogue, it is hard to choose the most quotable line, but I think it may occur in Liza's conversations with Martin, the architect hired to renovate the hotel. "You have carte blanche," she tells him, "but not a blank check!" The movie is being revived around the country for midnight cult showings. Midnight is not late enough."
- DirectorJames L. ConwayStarsBrad CrandallVern AdixLinda BishopA documentary that explores the subject of near death experiences."The movie's another one of those pseudo-scientific laundry lines of half-baked psychic theories. There may be something to the theories, all right, but there's never anything to the movies. They're booked into half the theaters in town and promoted with a hard-sell TV campaign, on the theory that enough suckers . . . ah, victims will be parted from their money before the word gets out that it's a turkey.
"Beyond and Back," however, gives turkeys a bad name. It exists on about the same cinematic level as an Army training film or one of those junior high chemistry movies in which the experiments never quite worked. To be sure, the narrator is presented as a genuine authentic intellectual; we can tell because he's got a beard and glasses and stands in front of bookshelves and learnedly caresses bound volumes of the Journal of the American Psychical Society." - DirectorOvidio G. AssonitisRoberto D'Ettorre PiazzoliStarsJuliet MillsRichard JohnsonGabriele LaviaJuliet Mills plays a young pregnant woman in San Francisco who is going to have the devil's baby during her strange possession. Richard Johnson shows up to help her... but what does he really want?"And yet "Beyond the Door" is one of the topgrossing movies in the country right now.
Why? Maybe because at some dumb, fundamental level, it really does live it up to, or down to, its promise. It's not well acted, its "Possessound" sounds routed through the ventilation system and the print looks like it was left out too long in monic possession." - DirectorIrwin AllenStarsMichael CaineSally FieldTelly SavalasAn extension of the previous film, wherein a group of adventurers return to the overturned ship to seek several fortunes."But what do you do for a sequel?
I posed this question to Irwin Allen, creator of the Poseidon movies and "The Swarm" and "The Towering Inferno," during one sunny afternoon in Southern California when disasters were the last thing on his mind. He said he had an idea. It was, in all candor, he said, a great idea. The survivors of the Poseidon would be rescued and taken to land in Italy and be placed on a train which would go through a tunnel in the Alps, and the tunnel would collapse and everyone would be trapped under the mountain.
Irwin Allen cleared his throat modestly. What, he asked, did I think about his idea?
It was, I said, a great idea, terrific if not actually stupendous.
But I had a better idea.
Allen didn't seem too enthralled, but I told it to him anyway. There is, by the way, nothing quite so glazed as the eyes of a movie producer who has just seen his interviewer put his Pentel Rolling Marker away, but I persisted.
Here's what happens, I said. After everybody fights his or her way to the top and/or bottom of the boat, surviving fires and floods and explosions, another big tidal wave comes along and turns the great ship over again. And so the hapless survivors have to retrace their steps.
It makes no sense, said Allen, because (a) he probably wouldn't be able to reassemble the original cast, and (b) lots of the original cast members, like Shelley Winters and Gene Hackman, were killed in the original movie -- so who you gonna topline?
Hackman's gone for sure, I conceded. He lost his grip and fell into the flaming oil. But in the case of Winters -- well, she says in the movie that she won the underwater swimming competition at the Young Womens' Hebrew Assn., and so maybe at the beginning of the sequel she comes up gasping, and you go on from there.
Irwin Allen mulled over that for a fraction of a second, and then, almost inevitably, probably, our interview was over." - DirectorRobert F. SlatzerStarsJohn CarradineJoi LansingJudith JordanBigfoot kidnaps some women and some bikers decide to go on a rescue mission to save them."Why, you are asking, did I decide to see "Big Foot"? Why am I taking your time -- time you could spend trimming your toenails and talking to your indoor plants, telling them what nice plants they are -- to review "Big Foot"? What strange light in the sky, what weird whistling in my ear, what blood-soaked note tied to a rock and thrown through my window, sent me to see "Big Foot"? These are good questions.
The cast alone convinced me. Let me put it as simply as I can: If you have ever wanted to see a movie starring John Carradine, Joi Lansing, Lindsay Crosby, Chris Mitchum, and Ken Maynard, then "Big Foot" is almost certainly going to be your only chance. Not since Joan Crawford starred in "Trog!" there been such an opportunity." - DirectorKirk WongStarsMark WahlbergLou Diamond PhillipsChristina ApplegateSocially anxious hitman Melvin Smiley, an expert in his lucrative field, goes on a job and falls in love with his kidnapping victim, turning his world upside down."The characters in these movies exist in a Twilight Zone where thousands of rounds of ammunition are fired, but no one ever gets shot unless the plot requires him to. The bullets have read the screenplay."
- DirectorRomain GaryStarsJean SebergMaurice RonetPierre BrasseurOn a beach, a group of sailors have sex with a depressed young woman. Madam of a nearby brothel takes her in but she leaves with an artist who lives close by. Meanwhile, her old rich husband and his sinister chauffeur are looking for her."The story goes that Gary wanted to direct this movie because he was so displeased by the two previous movies made from his books: "Lady L" and "Roots of Heaven." Those were stinkers, yes. So Gary took his short story "Birds in Peru" and directed it himself this time. Now there are three stinkers made from his work."
- DirectorJohn LafiaStarsDylan McDermottJessica HarperJames RussoTwo overzealous psychopathic US tax collectors blackmail bounty hunter Vince Holloway into stopping an illegal transfer of 20 Mio. dollars from a Mexican tax paradise into the USA. So he arrives in Diablo, where life isn't worth a penny. It seems impossible to raid the heavily guarded bank. He has to assure himself of help of the barwoman Dakota and a little boy."I have no idea why this movie was made."
- DirectorDavid LynchStarsIsabella RosselliniKyle MacLachlanDennis HopperThe discovery of a severed human ear found in a field leads a young man on an investigation related to a beautiful, mysterious nightclub singer and a group of psychopathic criminals who have kidnapped her child.""Blue Velvet" contains scenes of such raw emotional energy that it's easy to understand why some critics have hailed it as a masterpiece. A film this painful and wounding has to be given special consideration.
And yet those very scenes of stark sexual despair are the tipoff to what's wrong with the movie. They're so strong that they deserve to be in a movie that is sincere, honest and true. But "Blue Velvet" surrounds them with a story that's marred by sophomoric satire and cheap shots. The director is either denying the strength of his material or trying to defuse it by pretending it's all part of a campy in-joke." - DirectorUli EdelStarsMadonnaWillem DafoeJoe MantegnaA lawyer defends a woman accused of killing her older lover by having sex with him."I've seen comedies with fewer laughs than "Body of Evidence," and this is a movie that isn't even trying to be funny. It's an excruciatingly incompetent entry in the "Basic Instinct" genre, filled with lines that only a screenwriter could love, and burdened with a plot that confuses mystery with confusion."
- DirectorJohn DerekStarsBo DerekGeorge KennedyAndrea OcchipintiSet in the 1920s, a young woman sets out to lose her virginity. Her mission leads her to a Moroccan sheikh and a Spanish bullfighter."Let's face it. Nobody is going to "Bolero" for the plot anyway. They're going for the Good Parts. There are two Good Parts, not counting her naked ride on horseback, which was the only scene in the movie that had me wondering how she did it. The real future of "Bolero" is in home cassette rentals, where your fast forward and instant replay controls will supply the editing job the movie so desperately needs."
- DirectorNeal IsraelStarsJason BatemanC. Thomas HowellJonathan SilvermanTwo friends take their dying buddy on one last road trip.""Breaking the Rules" is a movie about a guy who finds out he has a month to live, and decides to spend it in the worst buddy movie ever made.
The movie has to be seen to be believed. It is a long, painful lapse of taste, tone, and ordinary human feeling. Perhaps it was made by beings from another planet, who were able to watch our television in order to absorb key concepts such as cars, sex, leukemia and casinos, but formed an imperfect view of how to fit them together." - DirectorFranco ZeffirelliStarsGraham FaulknerJudi BowkerLeigh LawsonDramatization of events in the life of St. Francis of Assisi from before his conversion experience through his audience with the pope, including his friendship with St. Clare."But is it true, as Zeffirelli seems to believe, that the birds had more to say than Francis did? He hardly gives us six lines of intelligent or perceptive dialog in the movie; the rest is empty, pretty phrasing. After a while we long for a cynic to wander into the movie and ask Francis a few pointed questions."
- DirectorTinto BrassStarsMalcolm McDowellPeter O'TooleHelen MirrenA dramatization of the ascent to Caesar and subsequent reign of Caligula, one of the most notorious leaders of ancient Rome. We see his ambition, his scheming, his perversion and decadence, his brutality and his lunacy.""Caligula" is sickening, utterly worthless, shameful trash. If it is not the worst film I have ever seen, that makes it all the more shameful: People with talent allowed themselves to participate in this travesty. Disgusted and unspeakably depressed, I walked out of the film after two hours of its 170-minute length. That was on Saturday night, as a line of hundreds of people stretched down Lincoln Ave., waiting to pay $7.50 apiece to become eyewitnesses to shame.
I wanted to tell them ... what did I want to tell them? What I'm telling you now. That this film is not only garbage on an artistic level, but that it is also garbage on the crude and base level where it no doubt hopes to find its audience. "Caligula" is not good art, It is not good cinema, and it is not good porn." - DirectorRadley MetzgerStarsDanièle GaubertNino CastelnuovoEleonora Rossi DragoIn Rome, a drug-addicted courtesan falls in love with a man who insists that she gives up her lavish, orgiastic lifestyle for fidelity, but tragedy soon ensures."It is said that Orson Welles saw John Ford's "Stagecoach" 200 times before directing "Citizen Kane." According to a press release here on my desk, Radley Metzger has seen John Huston's "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre" 103 times. That was not enough.
I think Metzger was better -- or worse, that is -- back when he had only seen it maybe 20 times. Blinking his eyes as he emerged into the sunlight, he directed "I, A Woman," which was the worst movie of all time (up until then).
Then he went back to see "Sierra Madre" another, say, two dozen times, and after that he directed "Carmen, Baby," which was almost as bad as "I, A Woman" but made less money. Then, a glutton for culture, he saw "Sierra Madre" 41 more times, and made "Therese and Isabelle," which was even worse than ''I, A Woman."
So that made 85 times he had seen "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre." Eighteen times to go. I wonder if he was the guy who sat behind me the last time I saw it at the Clark. He was reciting the dialog under his breath and when the usher protested, he flashed a card with the name Fred C. Dobbs on it.
Anyway, after seeing "Sierra Madre" 103 times, Metzger was ready for the big time. "Camille 2000" is shot in color. It is dubbed into English instead of subtitled. It is wide screen. It has a pretty girl in it. Her name is Daniele Gaubert. Whoever painted that big sign in front of the theater has an accurate critical sense. The sign says: "See Daniele Gaubert presented in the nude ... and with great frequency." That captures the essence of Metzger's art." - DirectorBill CondonStarsTony ToddKelly RowanCaroline BarclayThe Candyman arrives in New Orleans and sets his sights on a young woman whose family was ruined by the immortal killer years before."The movie also pulls the old "It's only a cat" routine, where a shrieking, snarling presence from out of frame turns out, yes, to only be a cat. There is even an "it's only a raven" sequence, no doubt in honor of Clive Barker's predecessor in the macabre, Edgar Allan Poe."
- DirectorHal NeedhamRalph BakshiStarsBurt ReynoldsDom DeLuiseDean MartinThe original characters from The Cannonball Run (1981) race across the country once more in various cars and trucks."This is the movie equivalent to phoning it in. You can't blame Sinatra. Everybody else is walking through this movie, so why shouldn't he? Refusing to appear in a scene with your fellow actors is no worse than agreeing to appear in a scene that nobody has bothered to write. "Cannonball Run II" is one of the laziest insults to the intelligence of moviegoers that I can remember. Sheer arrogance made this picture."
- DirectorCarl GottliebStarsRingo StarrDennis QuaidShelley LongA caveman seeks revenge on a much larger competitor for the hand of a beautiful cavewoman."There are a few good moments, mostly involving the giant prehistoric dinosaurs and other machas, especially during zug-zug. But the movie is mostly fech, nya, and pooka, if you ask me."
- DirectorJohn GlenStarsMarlon BrandoTom SelleckGeorges CorrafaceGenoese navigator overcomes intrigue in the court of King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of Spain and gains financing for his expedition to the East Indies."(I believe the chief's daughter is chosen by cup size.)"
- DirectorMichael ChapmanStarsDaryl HannahPamela ReedJames RemarA young Cro-Magnon woman is raised by Neanderthals."She can't understand why the men get to have all the fun, and use all the weapons, and make all the decisions. One day she sneaks out and practices on the slingshot. On another day, she challenges the tribe's attitudes about sex, seniority and even about self-defense. In her spare time, she invents arithme tic and becomes chief adviser to the medicine man. This isn't the first Cro-Magnon, it's the first Rhodes Scholar."
- DirectorPaul FlahertyStarsMartin ShortCharles GrodinMary SteenburgenA bratty 10-year-old boy is obsessed with visiting a dinosaur-themed amusement park. His uptight uncle takes the wily tyke in for a week, and barely lives to regret it."If Clifford is not a real little boy, then what is he? The movie doesn't know and neither does the audience, and for much of the running time we sit there staring stupefied at the screen, trying to figure out what the hell we're supposed to be thinking."
- DirectorRichard RushStarsBruce WillisJane MarchRubén BladesA color-blind psychoanalyst is stalked by an unknown killer after taking over his murdered friend's therapy group, all of whom have a connection to a mysterious young woman that he begins having intense sexual encounters with."By the end of "Color of Night" I was, frankly, stupefied. To call it absurd would be missing the point, since any shred of credibility was obviously the first thing thrown overboard. The movie has ambitions to belong to the genre of "Jagged Edge," "Fatal Attraction," "Basic Instinct," "Single White Female" and other twisto-thrillers, but why did it aim so low? It's so lurid in its melodrama and so goofy in its plotting that with just a bit more trouble it could have been a comedy."
- DirectorDavid Lowell RichStarsAlain DelonSusan BlakelyRobert WagnerA supersonic airborne disaster. In order to survive a flight headed for the Moscow Olympics, passengers of the Concorde must endure aerial acrobatics to dodge missiles and survive a device that decompresses the plane.
- DirectorMick GarrisStarsScott GrimesLiane CurtisTerrence MannEggs of the small but voracious alien creatures called Crites are left behind on earth and, after hatching, set their appetites on the small farm town of Grover's Bend."The makers of this film could not generate a single idea that was not provided for them by the makers of the original film. They went into the project with a ripoff on their mind. Since there is inevitably going to be a "Critters 3," I offer my story ideas free of charge to whoever is condemned to make it. My payment will come on the day when I do not have to sit through yet another remake of this exhausted material. If you want to dedicate the film to me, that would be nice."
- DirectorAlbert PyunStarsJean-Claude Van DammeDeborah RichterVincent KlynA martial artist hunts a killer in a plague-infested urban dump of the future."(If you look at the names "Fender Tremolo" and "Gibson Rickenbacker" and wonder why they set off strange stirrings in your subconscious, it is because both characters, according to the movie's press book, "are named after equipment and techniques associated with electric guitars." This rule presumably also applies to the characters Furman Vox, Nady Simmons and Roland Pick.)"
- DirectorHerbert RossStarsMikhail BaryshnikovAlessandra FerriLeslie BrowneA successful aging dancer takes a young female protegee."So far, the story's not implausible. I know a lot of people who would go to bed for an ice cream cake."
- DirectorJohn 'Bud' CardosTobe HooperStarsWilliam DevaneCathy Lee CrosbyRichard JaeckelSomeone, or something, is on an indiscriminate killing and mutilation spree during night-time. Frustrated by the clueless police, the father of the first victim is looking for answers, no matter how far fetched they are."Movie critics aren't supposed to give away the plots of thrillers. That's part of the unwritten agreement with their makers. The other part of the unwritten agreement, though, is that thrillers should have plots. Since "The Dark" breaks its side of the deal, I feel blameless in forging ahead."
- DirectorGeorge A. RomeroStarsLori CardilleTerry AlexanderJoseph PilatoAs the world is overrun by zombies, a group of scientists and military personnel sheltering in an underground bunker in Florida must decide on how they should deal with the undead horde."In the earlier films, we really identified with the small cadre of surviving humans. They were seen as positive characters, and we cared about them. This time, the humans are mostly unpleasant, violent, insane or so noble that we can predict with utter certainty that they will survive. According to the mad scientist in "Day of the Dead," the zombies keep moving because of primitive impulses buried deep within their spinal columns - impulses that create the appearance of life long after consciousness and intelligence have departed. I hope the same fate doesn't befall Romero's zombie movies. He should quit while he's ahead."
- DirectorJim JarmuschStarsJohnny DeppGary FarmerCrispin GloverOn the run after murdering a man, accountant William Blake encounters a strange Native American man named Nobody who prepares him for his journey into the spiritual world."I once traveled for two days from Windhoek to Swakopmund through the Kalahari Desert, on a train without air conditioning, sleeping at night on a hard leather bench that swung down from the ceiling. That journey seemed a little shorter than the one that opens "Dead Man," the new film by Jim Jarmusch."
- DirectorPeter WeirStarsRobin WilliamsRobert Sean LeonardEthan HawkeMaverick teacher John Keating returns in 1959 to the prestigious New England boys' boarding school where he was once a star student, using poetry to embolden his pupils to new heights of self-expression."Peter Weir's film makes much noise about poetry, and there are brief quotations from Tennyson, Herrick, Whitman and even Vachel Lindsay, as well as a brave excursion into prose that takes us as far as Thoreau's Walden. None of these writers are studied, however, in a spirit that would lend respect to their language; they're simply plundered for slogans to exort the students toward more personal freedom. At the end of a great teacher's course in poetry, the students would love poetry; at the end of this teacher's semester, all they really love is the teacher."
- DirectorTerry LeonardStarsFred DryerBrian KeithJoseph GianGunnery Sergeant Burns reports for duty to an American Embassy in the Middle East. However due to the 'enlightened' views of the Ambassador, the marine security detachment he is in charge of is severely restricted in their functions and presence to avoid upsetting the host government. As a result, when terrorists attack the compound, they are able to kidnap hostages and escape with little opposition. Burns ignores the Ambassador's restrictions, and throws the rule books out the window, as he becomes a one man army in an attempt to rescue the hostages, and wipe out the terrorists."Is there anything at all to recommend this movie?
Yeah, sort of. For one thing, this is the only movie I have ever seen where an Arab leader is played by an actor named Rockne Tarkington. For another, it sets a modern-day record for the Fruit Cart Rule. That's the rule that says that whenever there is a chase scene in a Third World nation, a speeding car will sooner or later overturn a fruit cart, leaving melons and oranges rolling in its wake. The chase scene in this movie takes out two fruit stands and one fruit cart in less than two minutes." - DirectorPaul BartelStarsDavid CarradineSylvester StalloneSimone GriffethIn a dystopian future, a cross country automobile race requires contestants to run down innocent pedestrians to gain points that are tallied based on each kill's brutality."Well, folks, the theater was up for grabs. The audience was at least half small children, and they loved it. They'd never seen anything so funny, I guess, and I was torn between walking out immediately and staying to witness a spectacle more dismaying than anything on the screen: the way small children were digging gratuitous bloodshed."
- DirectorGiulio PetroniStarsLee Van CleefJohn Phillip LawMario BregaA young gunfighter forms a tenuous alliance with an aging ex-outlaw to track down and eliminate the bandits who killed his family, till the surprising end."But in the meantime, sitting there in the dark, watching this bad Western on a Saturday afternoon, you get an autobiographical feedback. You reestablish contact with yourself at the age of 10, when you sat through dozens of exactly such bad Westerns (only not so violent, although they seemed violent enough). And contemplation of this sort, the mystics assure us, is necessary for psychic well-being."
- DirectorRay DantonStarsRobert QuarryBill EwingBrenda DicksonQuarry is a mysterious, articulate stranger who draws a cult like following of local hippies. Rather than showing them peace and love, he has more sinister plans for them, as he is a vampire.""The Deathmaster," a vampire movie that has moved into neighborhood theaters under cover of darkness (naturally) looks like two Corman specials that ran into one another. Judging by the internal evidence, I'd say the producers were into Robert Quarry for about two weeks of work. They also must have had a batch of unexpired contracts with a team of unemployed beach-party extras. How else to explain the most schizo horror movie since..."Schizo"?"
- DirectorStephen SommersStarsTreat WilliamsFamke JanssenAnthony HealdA group of heavily armed hijackers board a luxury ocean liner in the South Pacific Ocean to loot it, only to do battle with a series of large-sized, tentacled, man-eating sea creatures who had already invaded the ship." "They eat you?" asks one of the survivors. "No--they drink you." The mechanics for a movie like this were well established in the "Alien" pictures, and "Deep Rising" clones the formula. Survivors are trapped inside giant vessel. Creature finds its way around air ducts and sewer pipes, popping out of shaft openings to gobble up minor characters (the first victim is sucked down the toilet)."
- DirectorKen RussellStarsVanessa RedgraveOliver ReedDudley SuttonIn 17th-century France, Father Urbain Grandier's protection of the city of Loudun from the corrupt Cardinal Richelieu is undermined by a sexually repressed nun's accusation of witchcraft."Now they spoke quietly among themselves of the atrocities they had witnessed, or hoped to witness soon. Listening to them, I felt we could all sleep a little sounder from now on. If the movie industry had more hard-nosed, tell-it-like-it-is artists like Ken Russell, Loudon might never happen again."
- DirectorRobert FuestStarsErnest BorgnineEddie AlbertIda LupinoA satanist cult leader is burnt alive by the local church. He vows to come back to hunt down and enslave every descendant of his congregation, by the power of the book of blood contracts, in which they sold their souls to the devil."But . . . what IS the Devil's Rain? This is a question frequently asked in "The Devil's Rain" and, believe me, frequently answered. Picture it this way: All the good things of life are on one side of a sheet of plate glass, and you're on the other, and it's raining on your side, bunky. You pass the time by scratching the glass and pleading to be allowed back in.
All of this would be good silly fun if the movie weren't so painfully dull. The problem is that the material's stretched too thin. There's not enough here to fill a feature-length film. No doubt that's why we get so many barren landscapes filled with lonely music and ennui." - DirectorRoman PolanskiStarsMarcello MastroianniSydne RomeHugh GriffithDuring her Italian vacation, a young and beautiful American tourist finds herself as a guest in a coastal villa inhabited by some odd people."I wonder how much Carlo Ponti gave Roman Polanski to make Diary of Forbidden Dream. Ten cents would have been excessive."
- DirectorJay DubinStarsAndrew Dice ClayEddie GriffinSylvia HarmanOutrageous, misogynistic and vulgar-to-the-max comedian Andrew Dice Clay does his stuff in this combination of a stand-up concert video, in a filled-to-capacity performance at Madison Square Gardens, and a series of comedy sketches."[Dice Rules] could not be more damaging to the career of Andrew Dice Clay if it had been made as a documentary by someone who hated him."
- DirectorBurt KennedyStarsFrank SinatraGeorge KennedyAnne JacksonDirty Dingus Magee and his old rival Hoke Birdsill take turns at being either lawman or outlaw and being rivals or partners in crime, depending of the circumstances."Dirty Dingus Magee is as shabby a piece of goods as has masqueraded as a Western since, oh, A Stranger Returns."
- DirectorGregg ArakiStarsJames DuvalRose McGowanJohnathon SchaechJordan White and Amy Blue, two troubled teens, pick up an adolescent drifter, Xavier Red. Together, the threesome embark on a sex-and-violence-filled journey through an America of psychos and quickie marts."[Gregg Araki] is like the sideshow impresario whose taste is too good to enter his own tent."
- DirectorAlan GibsonStarsChristopher LeePeter CushingStephanie BeachamIn 1972 London - a century after his final battle with Professor Van Helsing - Count Dracula is resurrected by occultist Johnny Alucard, and goes after his archenemy's descendants."On leaving the theater, I was given an honorary membership card in the Count Dracula society, and a lapel pin that I inadvertently stuck myself with. And not a vial in sight."
- DirectorFrancis GiacobettiStarsSylvia KristelUmberto OrsiniFrédéric LagacheAfter two months of separation, Emmanuelle must find her husband Jean in Hong Kong. She goes there by boat. Once in Thailand, she finds her husband and meets Christopher, a mysterious airplane pilot. At a dinner, she also meets Laura, Jean's mistress and her troubling stepdaughter Anna Maria. She proceeds to have several extramarital affairs -- with Jean's knowledge, of course."We wait in vain for her to discover the missionary position, but such relief is denied her."
- DirectorPeter HyamsStarsArnold SchwarzeneggerGabriel ByrneRobin TunneyAt the end of the century, Satan visits New York in search of a bride. It's up to an ex-cop who now runs an elite security outfit to stop him."End of Days involves a head-on collision between the ludicrous and the absurd[.]"
- DirectorBruce BrownStarsPatrick O'ConnellRobert 'Wingnut' WeaverRobert AugustTwo famous surfers, Patrick O' Connell and Robert "Wingnut" Weaver, set out for an international worldwide surfing safari adventure with documentary filmmaker Bruce Brown."There is such a harmless innocence about all of this that it's seductive. Surfers, like all hobbyists, have a certain madness."
- DirectorTerry JonesStarsTim RobbinsJohn CleeseMickey RooneyErik the Viking and his men travel across the sea to find Valhalla to ask the gods to end the Age of Ragnarok."Every once in a while a movie comes along that makes me feel like a human dialysis machine. The film goes into my mind, which removes its impurities, and then it evaporates into thin air. Erik the Viking is a movie like that, an utterly worthless exercise in waste and wretched excess, uninformed by the slightest spark of humor, wit, or coherence."
- DirectorRobert HarlingStarsShirley MacLaineBill PaxtonJuliette LewisAfter the death of her daughter, Aurora struggled to keep her family together, but she has a grandson in jail, a rebellious granddaughter and another grandson living almost on the poverty line."You know you're in trouble when the most upbeat scene in a comedy is the scattering of the ashes."
- DirectorGarry MarshallStarsDana DelanyDan AykroydRosie O'DonnellElliot heads for the sexual fantasy island, Eden. He takes some photos of diamond smugglers. They and undercover cops want the photos and follow him to Eden."I was reminded of the old nudist camp movies that pretended to be documentaries about volleyball."
- DirectorIvan ReitmanStarsRobin WilliamsBilly CrystalJulia Louis-DreyfusA woman cons two old boyfriends into searching for her runaway son by convincing both that they are the boy's father."Father's Day is a brainless feature-length sitcom with too much sit and no com."
- DirectorJ. Lee ThompsonStarsChuck NorrisLouis Gossett Jr.Melody AndersonA pair of adventurers try to track down an ancient Aztec/Mayan/Egyptian/Apache hoard of gold."Consumer note: nobody walks on fire in this movie."
- DirectorBert I. GordonStarsMarjoe GortnerPamela FranklinRalph MeekerA group of friends travel to a remote Canadian island to hunt, only to be attacked by giant killer animals which have populated the place."He found some of this funny stuff oozing up out of the ground on the back forty, you see. Creamy-like, and about the color of skimmed milk. For some fool reason he mixed it with the chicken feed and fed it to the chickens. It made the baby chicks grow taller than a man. It also had an effect on the adult chickens: their babies ate them."
- DirectorTom GriesStarsJason RobardsKatharine RossScott HylandsAn aging actor finds himself falling for the beautiful, and much younger, wife of an attorney."The only way to fully understand how transcendentally bad this movie is would be to see it for yourself-- an extreme measure I hope, for your sake, you'll avoid."
- DirectorBronwen HughesStarsSandra BullockBen AffleckMaura TierneyA soon-to-be-married man encounters an exciting stranger after his plane suffers an accident on takeoff."If this is how the movie ends, then what was it about? [...] It gives us the *wrong* happy ending."
- DirectorSteve MinerStarsBetsy PalmerAmy SteelJohn FureyFive years after the events of the first film, a summer camp next to the infamous Camp Crystal Lake is preparing to open, but the legend of Jason is weighing heavy on the proceedings."[A]bout two dozen movies a year feature a mad killer going berserk, and they're all about as bad as this one. Some have a little more plot, some have a little less. It doesn't matter."
- DirectorGeorge HaasStarsStephen BaldwinDanny NucciGeorge NewbernFeaturing an all-star cast including Academy Award nominee Robert Downey Jr., Stephen Baldwin, and super model Claudia Schiffer, FRIENDS & LOVERS is a sexy comedy about best friends who pair up in unexpected ways over a memorable weekend."I don't want to review Friends & Lovers, I want to flunk it. This movie is not merely bad, but incompetent. I get tapes in the mail from tenth graders that are better made than this. [...] I have often asked myself, 'What would it look like if the characters in a movie were animatronic puppets created by aliens with an imperfect mastery of human behavior?' Now I know."
- DirectorAmos PoeStarsJosé Rafael ArangoNicole ArlynDavid CaleEva is a legit actress who does debt-collecting jobs on the side for her ex-husband, loan shark Al. She doesn't want to go on with collecting, but Al asks her to do one last job: finding a missing $600,000 stolen from him by Flav."Not a single one of the characters is even slightly convincing as anything other than an artificial theatrical construction. Is that the point? I haven't a clue."
- DirectorGeorge MillerStarsShelley LongCorbin BernsenLarry MillerA man is hired to run a bank which turns out to be a sperm bank."I didn't feel like a viewer during Frozen Assets. I felt like an eyewitness at a disaster. If I were more of a hero, I would spend the next couple of weeks breaking into theaters where this movie is being shown, and leading the audience to safety."
- DirectorBurt ReynoldsStarsBurt ReynoldsJack WestonLauren HuttonAgents force a former con man to help them nab a corrupt politician."But it never quite connects, even though a summary of its key scenes is like a laundry list of action-'n'-romance cliches."
- DirectorStephen HopkinsStarsMichael DouglasVal KilmerTom WilkinsonA bridge engineer and an experienced old hunter begin a hunt for two lions after they start attacking local construction workers."The Ghost and the Darkness is an African adventure that makes the Tarzan movies look subtle and realistic."
- DirectorLarry CohenStarsTony Lo BiancoDeborah RaffinSandy DennisA New York detective investigates a series of murders committed by random New Yorkers who claim that "God told them to.""It had been too long, I decided, since I'd seen a film in which the leading character was, and I quote, 'the only man alive who can make the choice to help or destroy a mysterious force which has begun to unleash its dread power upon the earth.' Not since Godzilla vs the Smog Monster had a press release promised so much. The movie, alas, doesn't quite live up to the billing. [...] The movie is so random, indeed, that by the time Sandy Dennis made her second appearance, I'd forgotten she was in the film."
- DirectorRoland EmmerichStarsMatthew BroderickJean RenoMaria PitilloFrench nuclear tests irradiate an iguana into a giant monster that heads off to New York City. The American military must chase the monster across the city to stop it before it reproduces."Going to see Godzilla at the Palais of the Cannes Film Festival is like attending a satanic ritual in St. Peter's basilica. It is a rebuke to the faith that the building represents."
- DirectorJoseph RubenStarsMacaulay CulkinElijah WoodWendy CrewsonA young boy stays with his aunt and uncle and becomes friends with his cousin, a boy of the same age who shows increasing signs of violent and psychopathic behavior."Who in the world would want to see this movie?"
- DirectorKen CameronStarsRachel WardBryan BrownSteven VidlerIn pre-WWII Australia, a love triangle develops between a man, his wife and the man's brother."But this material is so dead that maybe having fun with it was the only hope; it needed a David Lynch or a John Cleese to make it work."
- DirectorRoland JofféStarsPatricia ArquetteDermot MulroneyMary-Louise ParkerSandra is married to Jake, an alcoholic executive, but has a secret relationship with her brother-in-law Ben, who is attracted to Peggy, a woman who hides a dark side known to few. When Sandra finds out, Ben mysteriously disappears."Goodbye, Lover is not so much a story as some kind of a board game, with too many pieces and not enough rules."
- DirectorWilliam FriedkinStarsJenny SeagroveDwier BrownCarey LowellA young couple with a newborn baby don't realize that the nanny they hired is a magical nymph who sacrifices infants to an evil tree."What, after all, can a Druid really do to you, apart from dropping fast-food wrappers on the lawn while worshiping your trees?"
- DirectorDeran SarafianStarsChristopher LambertMario Van PeeblesDenis LearyUSD400,000,000 is stolen and a drug lord wants it back. The killed thief's brother is broken out of prison by a DEA bounty hunter to help find the money boat. The body count continues in Latin America."The idea is that these two men will have a love-hate relationship throughout the movie, and we will find it amusing. I can't argue with the first half of the idea."
- DirectorRené Cardona Jr.StarsStuart WhitmanGene BarryJohn IrelandReverend Jim Jones, the priest of an independent church in the South American country Guyana, orders his followers to commit suicide. But not all of them follow him blindly and begin to think on their own."Guyana - Cult of the Damned has crawled out from under a rock and into local theaters, and will do nicely as this week's example of the depths to which people will plunge in search of a dollar. [...] All of this is disgusting, and all of it is sad. [...] It is a geek show. Universal and its exhibitors should be ashamed."
- DirectorRobert ClouseStarsKurt ThomasTetchie AgbayaniRichard NortonAn American gymnast travels to a foreign country to compete in a deadly game not won by anyone other than a native in more than 900 years."You know you're in trouble when you get to the big scene and the audience is supposed to scream and it laughs. This is is one of the most ridiculous movies I've seen i na while, but make of this what you will: I heard more genuine laughter during the screening than at three or four so-called comedies I've seen lately. I was even toying with praising the movie as a comedy, but I'm not sure the filmmakers would take that as a compliment."
- DirectorSteve MinerStarsJamie Lee CurtisJosh HartnettAdam ArkinLaurie Strode, now the dean of a Northern California private school with an assumed name, must battle the Shape one last time, as the life of her own son hangs in the balance."How does Michael Myers support himself in the long years between his slashing outbreaks? I picture him working in a fast-food joint. 'He never had much to say, but boy, could he dice those onions!'"
- DirectorDennis DuganStarsAdam SandlerChristopher McDonaldJulie BowenAfter his grandmothers house is repossessed by the IRS, bad tempered hockey player takes his talents to golf to earn the big bucks and get his grandmothers house back."Happy Gilmore tells the story of a violent sociopath. since it's about golf, that makes it a comedy."
- DirectorNicholas SgarroStarsLynn RedgraveJean-Pierre AumontLovelady PowellIn the first of three films on the life of Xaviera Hollander, the famous hooker from Holland traces her career as madam of the biggest and most profitable bordellos in New York."If Horatio Alger were alive today, he would no doubt be appalled by The Happy Hooker, the story of a girl who gets started off on the right foot in life but, through pluck and endurance, makes bad."
- DirectorMikael SalomonStarsMorgan FreemanChristian SlaterRandy QuaidThe partner and nephew of an armored-truck driver tries to prevent three million dollars from being taken by a gang during a catastrophic flooding caused by a severe storm."From beginning to end, I was acutely aware of actors being paid to stand in cold water. Suspension of my disbelief in this case would have require psychotropic medications."
- DirectorChristopher Scott CherotStarsChristopher Scott CherotChenoa MaxwellHill HarperLee Plenty is a flailing, wannabe writer, homeless and apartment-sitting for his friend, the wealthy Havilland Savage, while she is off visiting family. So Lee jumps at the chance to see Havilland, whom he has secretly loved for years."But Hav Plenty is more of a first draft than a finished product."
- DirectorChris ColumbusStarsDavid KeithTuesday WeldCharlie SchlatterA teen tries to set up a band at his school, when his mother, who was a big fan of Elvis Presley, gets in a wreck. He and his band members decide to kidnap Elvis to meet her."Here it is, the goofiest movie of the year, a movie so bad in so many different and endearing ways that I'm darned if I don't feel genuine affection for it."
- DirectorMichael CiminoStarsKris KristoffersonChristopher WalkenJohn HurtDuring the Johnson County War in 1890 Wyoming, a sheriff born into wealth does his best to protect immigrant farmers from rich cattle interests."Why is Heaven's Gate so painful and unpleasant to look at? [...] But this movie is a study in wretched excess. It is so smoky, so dusty, so foggy, so unfocused, and so brownish-yellow that you want to try Windex on the screen. A director is in deep trouble when we do not even enjoy the primary act of looking at his picture. [...] This movie is a $36 million thrown to the winds. It is the most scandalous cinmatic waste I have ever seen, and remember, I've seen Paint Your Wagon."
- DirectorTom DeSimoneStarsLinda BlairVincent Van PattenPeter BartonFour college pledges are forced to spend the night in a deserted old mansion, where they are stalked by the monstrous survivor of a family massacre years earlier."It was legendary Chicago film exhibitor Oscar Oscar Brotman who gave me one of my most useful lessons in the art of film watching. 'In ninety-nine films out of a hundred,' Brotman told me, 'if nothing has happened by the end of the first reel... nothing is going to happen.' This rule, he said, had saved him countless hours over the years because he had walked out of movies after the first uneventful reel. [...] I was running this conversation through my memory while watching Hell Night."