Movies I hate.
'Hate' is a strong word, but these are films that I just can't stand and see pretty much no redeeming factor in.
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36 titles
- DirectorJohn CarpenterStarsDan O'BannonDre PahichBrian NarelleIn the far reaches of space, a small crew, 20 years into their solitary mission, find things beginning to go hilariously wrong.Before he wrote "Alien" [1979], Dan O'Bannon wrote another sci-fi satire about a bunch of miserable twats moping around a depressing spaceship. This time it was "Dark Star", an ugly, badly-produced, profoundly unfunny attempt to set "Dr. Strangelove" [1964] against the backdrop of "2001: A Space Odyssey" [1968], starring a cast of four irritating man-children that look kind of like the Beatles. That one scene with Powell in cryostasis is actually pretty eerie though.
- DirectorGeorge MihalkaStarsPaul KelmanLori HallierNeil AffleckA decades-old folk tale surrounding a deranged murderer killing those who celebrate Valentine's Day turns out to be true to legend when a group defies the killer's order and people start turning up dead.Unbearable characters, boring dialogue, a couple of okay kills, and a really stupid final twist that I saw coming.
- DirectorMarcus NispelStarsJessica BielJonathan TuckerAndrew BryniarskiAfter picking up a traumatized young hitchhiker, five friends find themselves stalked and hunted by a deformed chainsaw-wielding loon and his family of equally psychopathic killers.Insulting, lazy, and unimaginative.
- DirectorChristopher SmithStarsFranka PotenteSean HarrisVas BlackwoodTrapped in a London subway station, a woman who's being pursued by a potential attacker heads into the unknown labyrinth of tunnels beneath the city's streets.Unlikeable characters, a rape-for-drama scene, and some kind of ham-fisted moral about homelessness.
- DirectorRenny HarlinStarsStellan SkarsgårdIzabella ScorupcoJames D'ArcyIn 1947, having abandoned his faith, Father Merrin joins an archaeological excavation in Kenya, where an ancient church has been unearthed and something much older waits to be awoken.Classless and unsubtle, shamelessly derivative and pandering. Aside from the scene with David Bradley (who's always brilliant), the final scene ("it's 'Father' Merrin") and some nice images, it's just awful and insulting.
- DirectorJeff WadlowStarsJulian MorrisLindy BoothJared PadaleckiEight unsuspecting high school seniors at a posh boarding school, who delight themselves on playing games of lies, come face-to-face with terror and learn that nobody believes a liar - even when they're telling the truth.A forgettable slasher movie that tries to pull a BIG TWIST and reveal that the whole film has been one convoluted plot by Becky to kill Walker, setting up staged murders as pranks to lead Owen to shoot him.
- DirectorMarcus NispelStarsJared PadaleckiAmanda RighettiDerek MearsA group of young adults visit a boarded up campsite named Crystal Lake where they soon encounter the mysterious Jason Voorhees and his deadly intentions.I'm no fan of the original, but this movie's reliance on tits and weed humour was insulting.
- DirectorJon WrightStarsAlex PettyferApril PearsonDimitri LeonidasA bullied teenager comes back from the dead to take revenge on his classmates.It's a movie about bullying that clearly wants to have a poignant message and tug at your heartstrings, but the bullies come across more like caricatures than real people. It's like an episode of a kids' show.
- DirectorZack SnyderStarsJackie Earle HaleyPatrick WilsonCarla GuginoIn a version of 1985 where superheroes exist, the murder of a colleague sends active vigilante Rorschach on the trail of a conspiracy that will change the course of history.I didn't finish this one, but I hated the first 45 minutes or so. It's incredibly self-indulgent and really just wants you to feel shit - there's rape, mass murder, a pregnant woman being shot. It's just miserable and really self-important.
- DirectorQuentin DupieuxStarsStephen SpinellaRoxane MesquidaWings HauserA homicidal car tire, discovering it has destructive psionic power, sets its sights on a desert town once a mysterious woman becomes its obsession.I genuinely wanted to watch a film about a rubber tire that flops people to death. What I got was a pretentious and unfunny art statement that ends with the tire assembling an army of tires and marching (rolling?) on Hollywood. The tire kills people with psychic powers, so you don't even get the satisfaction of it flopping people to death!
- DirectorGeoff MeedStarsJason WilliamsAmy Van HorneDevin ClarkIn disregard of the shocking DeFeo murders, an unsuspecting family moves into the infamous house on 112 Ocean Avenue. Now, ghostly apparitions start to appear in their video surveillance system. Can they survive the Amityville haunting?One of the worst movies I've ever watched. Everything about it is pathetic.
- DirectorDrew GoddardStarsKristen ConnollyChris HemsworthAnna HutchisonFive college friends head out to a remote cabin for a getaway, but things don't go as planned when they start getting killed. They soon discover that there is more to the cabin than it seems.A "super-meta" and "game-changing" horror movie that draws attention to horror rules and clichés but still finds itself relying on them. So full of itself.
- DirectorChris CrowStarsScarlett Alice JohnsonJack GordonMichael JibsonJo, Max, Gwen and Dave win the competition.Then they head off on an all expenses paid trip to New York, courtesy of the social network. As they board the private jet, they are asked to relinquish their mobile phones and take part in the in-flight entertainment - a new online gaming experience.A parable about social media that feels dated and naive, is full of awkward silences, and forcibly shifts emotional and character dynamics. All of the characters turn out to be despicable people that just love judging one other, and you come out of the film feeling miserable.
- DirectorMichael J. GallagherStarsCaitlin GerardMelanie PapaliaShane DawsonAfter discovering an urban legend of a demented serial killer, who has nothing but a carved "smiley" on his face, a mentally fragile teenager must figure out if she is going insane - or if she could be the next victim.After 90 minutes of horror movie clichés (the awkward love interest, disinterested police, protagonist playing the villain at his own game, philosophy class scenes filled with lofty dialogue that has nothing to do with the film), it's finally revealed that Smiley was never real, just an elaborate prank played by ALL the protagonist's classmates to immortalise themselves on the internet.
- DirectorLevan GabriadzeStarsHeather SossamanMatthew BohrerCourtney HalversonA group of online chatroom friends find themselves haunted by a mysterious, supernatural force using the account of their dead friend.It's like the clumsy bullying and social media parables from, respectively, "Tormented" [2009] and "Panic Button" [2011] had a baby. It takes the former's ghost-of-a-bullying-victim and the latter's feel-bad message that everyone on social media is a terrible, judgmental person and repackages them as a hip, up-to-date found footage film whose footage is captured from someone's laptop screen. At least they had the sense to get the internet right (Facebook, Skype, LiveLeak, etc.).
- DirectorOren PeliStarsReid WarnerDarrin BraggBen RovnerThree young conspiracy theorists attempt to uncover the mysteries of Area 51, the government's secret location rumored to have hosted encounters with alien beings. What they find at this hidden facility exposes unimaginable secrets.Laaaaaaazyyyyyy - nothing happens for the first hour.
- DirectorDarren Lynn BousmanAxelle CarolynAdam GieraschStarsAdrienne BarbeauHunter SmitCameron EastonTen stories are woven together by their shared theme of Halloween night in an American suburb, where ghouls, imps, aliens and axe murderers appear for one night only to terrorize unsuspecting residents.I can only assume the remaining SEVEN segments were just as bad as the first three, cos those were just awful.
- DirectorChris PeckoverStarsOlivia DeJongeLevi MillerEd OxenbouldOn a quiet suburban street, a babysitter must defend a twelve-year-old boy from intruders, only to discover it's far from a normal home invasion.A super-edgy horror-comedy in the vein of "Scream" [1996] with silly twists and this over-sentimental attitude towards slashers.
- DirectorTravis ZariwnyStarsGage GolightlyMatthew DaddarioSamuel DavisWhile staying at a remote cabin for a week-long vacation, a group of five college friends succumb to an infectious, flesh-eating disease.Endlessly trashy and hilariously stupid. It actually feels like it was written by a hormonal teenager.
- DirectorPaul FeigStarsMelissa McCarthyKristen WiigKate McKinnonFollowing a ghost invasion of Manhattan, paranormal enthusiasts Erin Gilbert and Abby Yates, nuclear engineer Jillian Holtzmann, and subway worker Patty Tolan band together to stop the otherworldly threat.Two hours of unfunny ad-libbing.
- DirectorJim HoskingStarsMichael St. MichaelsSky ElobarElizabeth De RazzoRonnie runs a Disco walking tour with his son, Brayden. When a sexy woman takes the tour, it begins a competition between father and son for her love. It also signals the arrival of an oily strangler who stalks the streets at night.I was transfixed for the first hour, but then I came to my senses. It might be the most off-putting thing in existence, and that was probably the point.
- DirectorCarles TorrensStarsDominic MonaghanKsenia SoloJennette McCurdyA man bumps into an old crush and holds her captive underneath the animal shelter where he works.There's too much set-up in the beginning, and when Seth finally kidnaps Holly it's just lame shock!-moments and try-hard 'crazy' performances.
- DirectorPaul W.S. AndersonStarsMilla JovovichIain GlenAli LarterAlice returns to where the nightmare began: The Hive in Raccoon City, where the Umbrella Corporation is gathering its forces for a final strike against the only remaining survivors of the apocalypse.A frustratingly self-indulgent piece of shit that doesn't even have the nerve to kill off its main character - after six crappy (but mostly enjoyable, on some base level) movies that couldn't decide whether Alice was an amnesiac, an eco-terrorist, a superhuman or the clone of a woman we've never heard of, they couldn't even finally put her to rest.
- DirectorDennis CabellaJavier ChillonTodd CoberyStarsGabriele AngieriBela B.Olli BanjoTrapped in a damaged cryogenic pod, a man is forced to watch a series of horrific science-fiction tales while his life support systems run out. Featuring eight intense stories of the unknown and other-worldly, equally wonderful and terrifying. Visit the GALAXY OF HORRORS, if you dare! Curated from Rue Morgue & Unstable Ground's Little Terrors Festival.Jerk-off sci-fi - it's simplistic, masturbatory and a waste of time.
- DirectorJames GunnStarsChris PrattZoe SaldanaDave BautistaThe Guardians struggle to keep together as a team while dealing with their personal family issues, notably Star-Lord's encounter with his father, the ambitious celestial being Ego."You shouldn't have killed my mom and squished my Walkman" - I didn't think it could be worse than the first film, but I was wrong. Extra hate points for being such a gorgeous-looking sci-fi film - all those colours, effects and backgrounds wasted on this awful script.
- DirectorMartin McDonaghStarsFrances McDormandWoody HarrelsonSam RockwellA mother personally challenges the local authorities to solve her daughter's murder when they fail to catch the culprit.An angry, tantrum-like film full of stereotypes, emotional immaturity, childish swearing, and angst. The backlash also misses the point - this film isn't racist, sexist or ableist, it's just shite.
- DirectorRoxanne BenjaminSofìa CarrilloKaryn KusamaStarsNatalie BrownJonathan WattonPeter DaCunhaThis all-female horror anthology features four dark tales from four fiercely talented women.Four shitty, boring segments that served only to reinforce my wariness of horror anthologies. "The Birthday Party" was easily the worst.
- DirectorClint EastwoodStarsAlek SkarlatosAnthony SadlerSpencer StoneThree courageous young Americans prevent a terrorist attack on a train bound for Paris.The worst high-school am-dram I've ever seen. But it's directed by Clint Eastwood!?
- DirectorJeremy Kenyon Lockyer CorbellStarsBob LazarGeorge KnappJeremy Kenyon Lockyer CorbellIn 1989, physicist Bob Lazar broke the story of Area 51 and the US government's work on alien spacecrafts. He blew the whistle, shocked the world, then went silent - until now.Soooooo deep man... sooooo deep.
- DirectorPanos CosmatosStarsNicolas CageAndrea RiseboroughLinus RoacheThe enchanted lives of a couple in a secluded forest are brutally shattered by a nightmarish hippie cult and their demon-biker henchmen, propelling a man into a spiraling, surreal rampage of vengeance.One of the most painfully retro/old-school films I've ever seen - this hipster 80s trend needs to just stop.
It's got the hipstery dialogue of a Charlie Kaufman film, the ugly colour-graded cinematography of a music video, and a schlocky action movie ending. It's clearly tongue-in-cheek, but that doesn't vindicate it. - DirectorJustin DecStarsElizabeth LailJordan CallowayTalitha Eliana BatemanWhen a nurse downloads an app that claims to predict the moment a person will die, it tells her she only has three days to live. With the clock ticking and a figure haunting her, she must find a way to save her life before time runs out.Just awful.
- DirectorJim CarrollStarsMorgan RobertsIlsa LevineDonny BoazWhile doing research, a group of young geniuses accidentally stumbles upon a secret terrorist plot to create a time machine to go back in time and change history.It'd be funny-bad if it wasn't so pathetic and dated.
- DirectorAl CampbellAlice MathiasStarsSamuel L. JacksonHugh GrantLisa KudrowIn mockumentary format, characters discuss events of 2020 with a mixture of true information and satire. The overarching topic is the COVID-19 pandemic, particularly in the US and UK.The limpest satire ever made.
- DirectorAdam WingardStarsAlexander SkarsgårdMillie Bobby BrownRebecca HallThe epic next chapter in the cinematic Monsterverse pits two of the greatest icons in motion picture history against each other--the fearsome Godzilla and the mighty Kong--with humanity caught in the balance.Unbearably lazy, treats the audience like idiots. Even the fights aren't fun. The cinematography and colouring is terribly ugly, and the human characters are unbearable.
- DirectorTimo VuorensolaStarsGary GrahamDee WallaceTimo VuorensolaForced to travel with her boyfriend, Laine begins to experience premonitions associated with the urban myth of The Creeper. She believes that something supernatural has been summoned - and that she is at the center of it all.A noughties movie made in 2022, complete with awful CG gore, terrible and unnecessary green-screen backgrounds, and dated "Scream" [1996]-esque dialogue.
- DirectorDavid Blue GarciaStarsSarah YarkinElsie FisherMark BurnhamAfter 48 years of hiding, Leatherface returns to terrorize a group of idealistic young friends who accidentally disrupt his carefully shielded world in a remote Texas town.Looks pretty good. Other than that, cheapo CG gore effects, awful story and writing, and a poor knock-off of "Halloween" [2018].