spoiler alert!
set in 1919 during the Russian Civil War between Reds and Whites, a detachment of Baltic fleet sailors is organized to help the Red Army defend Petrograd against Gen. Yudenich's White Army. a Soviet version of the typical American war movie, with emphasis on personality types rather than names(2 of the main characters aren't even given names).first you have Jerkface, the initially unsympathetic hero. then you have Blondie, the mysterious female lead. next you have Nemesis, the Red Army man who clashes with the Jerkface over the woman. as lesser characters you have Guitarman as comic relief, always quick with a joke or a song, the Commisar for leadership inspiration, and the Kid as unit mascot.
as the detachment is organized everyone is vetted by the other men for inclusion. the Commissar is in for though only on his first day in the navy, he had a long Party record dating back to 1901. Guitarman is accepted because even though his dad was an officer, at least he turned dad in to the cops! the Kid gets in because he has more revo cred than some of the adults. Jerkface barely gets in because he is a non-Party man("for my own reasons") and a general pain in the butt.
next comes a little last minute R&R in town Jerkface spies a good looking woman, Blondie. he is smitten and it is starting to look like a gang-rape is going to happen. then Nemesis and some of his Red Army buddies show up and they fight the sailors off. Jerkface vows revenge.
night comes and the Army and Navy boys are billeted together in an orphanage based on a confiscated White estate. Jerkface is surprised to see that Blondie is running the place. he tries to turn on the charm but she isn't having it. everybody tries to get some shut-eye all over each other while Blondie serenades them and the orphans run amok. morning comes and Jerkface and Nemesis wake up face to face with each other! a battle breaks out before they can duke it out.
everyone goes out to block a chokepoint on the road to Petrograd. they capture a White soldier. everyone assumes he is one of the foreign imperialists they have been told about, but he is just a poor dumb local kid drafted by the Whites. during the ensuing battles he is torn between hanging with his captors or getting ready to rejoin his own side, thus is constantly taking his epaulettes on and off, depending on the tempo of the battle.
a huge White tank shows up causing the sailors to bug out temporarily. the army boys stop and capture the tank. the peasant soldiers admire the tank and agree that it would be a fine machine for ploughing! during White counter-attacks the Commissar mans a Maxim machine gun and repels them. "Mr. Maxim has the floor" he says. afterwards: "that was a fine speech!" new attacks come in and a wild melee erupts in the trench. guitarman gets some good lines. asked to surrender, he says "Just a sec!" and whips out a pistol and blows the guy away. then, carefully putting the guitar out of harms way, jumps into the scrimmage. face to face to a White soldier he says"Welcome home!" and then "who's surrendered to whom? we'll soon find out!"
soon after the Red sailors are captured, and all, even Jerkface, claim to be Party members, a sure death sentence. they all get rocks tied around their necks and are pushed off a cliff into the sea. Guitarman makes sure to kick his guitar off first to keep it out of White hands. Jerkface is the last one to go, jumping rather than be pushed. he has palmed a knife however and is able to cut the rope to be the only survivor. makes it back to the orphanage which has been reclaimed by the Whites. he runs into Blondie again in the place she and the orphans have relocated. she gives him her dress to disguise himself as a woman and try a break for Kronstadt. he is followed by a horny White soldier who gets a fatal surprise. he gets a boat and rows for Kronstadt while the Whites try and get Blondie to induce the remaining Red Army men to surrender. she makes a break for it and disappears into no mans land.
back at Kronstadt Jerkface tells the tale of the cliff, helps organize a relief force and gives a rousing speech before leading it in a low-rent amphibious assault in the White's rear. at the front, the rmy boys are down to a few able-bodied men, the walking wounded and the marching band-and Blondie. dire straits leads to bravado like in American movies(e.g. "Come on, i haven't got all day!"). they throw rocks at the Whites: "come get your piece of land!" "Where are you going? we're not stingy, we'll give you more!"
Jerkface and the sailors show up to save the day. he and Nemesis meet cute as J. is kissing and hugging him before he realizes who it is. buddies now, they go off arm in arm to push the Whites off the same cliff. they see Blondie arm in arm with the commander, and Nemeisis lets Jerkface know that she is the commander's wife! Jerkface has "D'oh!" moment. his last line as he looks at the drowned Whites below is "Anybody else want Petrograd?" people who like this should see "Red and White."
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