- Mr. Nelson Pennypacker: I agree with you. Barrymore's a great actor.
- Lulu Monahan: Oh, you can say that again. And when he's on the air for you, he'll sell more of your Vitamin L tablets...
- Mr. Nelson Pennypacker: Not Vitamin L, Vitamin A!
- Lulu Monahan: Well, they taste like L to me. Ha ha ha! Some joke, huh?
- Kay Kyser: Does that kind of noise go with Shakespeare? How do you expect me to get in the mood with that dirty ole jazz poundin' at my ear?
- Sully Mason - Band Member: [holding out his recorder] We're just getting acquainted with these sixteenth-century bazookas.
- John Barrymore: Kay Kyser. Kay Kyser! What Machiavellian mental gymnastics led you to associate me with an ether polluting, ear drum destroying, mob haranguing, buffoon - like Kay Kyser!
- Lulu Monahan: Will you stop screaming and listen for a minute.
- John Barrymore: Get away from me! Foul harpy! I have played "Hamlet" before Kings and Queens. Had them groveling at me feet in abject worship.
- Lulu Monahan: Yes, I know that...
- John Barrymore: And you sacrilegiously affiliate me magic name with a barefoot bumpkin, a bifocal billy goat, from the hills of North Carolina! Where to this day, civilization has not yet penetrated.
- Mrs. Penelope Pennypacker: [to John Barrymore] Do sit down.
- Grandma Kyser: My, my! Have an accident?
- John Barrymore: No, thanks. I just had one.
- [hollers as he sits down]
- Mrs. Penelope Pennypacker: Oh, he must have sprained his back! I hope I have some liniments in the house!
- Grandma Kyser: Have you ever tried rubbing alcohol?
- John Barrymore: Not since prohibition.
- Lulu Monahan: Hey, Mister, want to dance?
- Peter Lindsay: Well, call me a Zulu, if it isn't LuLu. Hello, Irish. How are you?
- Lulu Monahan: Still, punchy, Pete.
- Mr. Nelson Pennypacker: Kay Kyser, now, if I could get him for my radio program...
- Lulu Monahan: Well, you can't, so relax. But, you can get Barrymore!
- Mr. Nelson Pennypacker: So you've been telling me.
- Lulu Monahan: Ah, look, Mr. Pennypacker, if you wanna make your vitamin tablets a class product, you need an artist like my client. Why, you should have seen him in Shakespeare's "Thirteenth Night."
- Mr. Nelson Pennypacker: That's "Twelfth Night."
- Lulu Monahan: Well, he was so good they held him over.
- Lulu Monahan: That guy burns me up.
- Peter Lindsay: Well, what you need is something to cool you off. Give her a Tom Collins, Pee Wee.
- Lulu Monahan: And drop an aspirin in it.
- Peter Lindsay: They eat up copy about Kay; but, the guy doesn't do anything! So help me, Lu, I'm off my nut trying to think of new things to write about him.
- Kay Kyser: There's so much to be thankful for these days. But, come on, gang, you tell 'em! Tell 'em what I mean.
- The Guardsmen: [singing] If you live right, If you get to sleep at night, You can thank your lucky stars and stripes. If you feel free, If there's sugar in your tea, You can thank your lucky stars and stripes...
- Ginny Simms - Band Singer: [singing] Life is gay, And its full on dollar day, You can thank your lucky stars and stripes...
- Lulu Monahan: Look, Pennypacker wants to sign you for two years at big dough. You have got to get back in the public eye!
- John Barrymore: I have been in the public eye so long, it is permanently bloodshot!
- John Barrymore: Don't mind my secretary, Mr. Tremble, she is a thyroid patient.
- Philip Tremble: I hope I haven't upset her.
- John Barrymore: Oh, no. Not at all. Not at all. She loves getting hysterical!
- Lulu Monahan: You help me build up this gag with Kyser and you'll have a nice, juicy, big radio deal and your worries'll be over!
- John Barrymore: But, why Kyser? I would rather be found lying on a flop house floor getting stiff with rigor mortis.
- Lulu Monahan: You can get stiff with anybody you want; but, Kyser has news value. And we're gonna cash in on it if I have to bust a girdle trying!
- John Barrymore: It's not right! I am being persecuted by a successful hill-billy. The name of Barrymore linked with that of a corn-fed dialectician. How could I ever - face me public - again?
- Prince Maharoohu: The clouds are lifting now. Yes. I am peering into your future.
- John Barrymore: What do you see?
- Prince Maharoohu: There are many beautiful women. Much trouble.
- John Barrymore: Are you sure that isn't my past?
- Lulu Monahan: Mr. Pennypacker, you want a name. Well, two months from now, Barrymore's name will be hotter than July in St. Louis!
- Mr. Nelson Pennypacker: Newport! Shakespeare! I was born in Brooklyn.
- Mrs. Penelope Pennypacker: But, I wasn't, Nelson.
- Mr. Nelson Pennypacker: Well, The Bronx isn't any better! Why you're so anxious to hobnob with these stuff shirts, I'll never know.
- John Barrymore: Under no conditions will I ever appear on the same stage with that nurse maid to a bass tuba.
- Kay Kyser: This is my grandmother from Rocky Mount, North Carolina. Grandma, Mr. John Barrymore.
- Grandma Kyser: How do you do, Mr. Barrymore?
- John Barrymore: My dear, dear lady. I am honored to meet the glorious fountainhead from which spring this sparkling brook of wit, your grandson, came.
- Kay Kyser: I think I better stick to comedy.
- John Barrymore: The line between comedy and tragedy is thinner than a hair. When you play the Professor of the College of Musical Knowledge, that is comedy. When you play Hamlet or Macbeth, that, me dear lad, is tragedy.
- Kay Kyser: That's what I'm afraid of.
- Grandma Kyser: Oh, Kay, don't be so namby-pamby! One would think you'd never been on the stage before.
- Kay Kyser: Yes, but, Shakespeare!
- Grandma Kyser: Acting is acting!
- John Barrymore: It has been a long time: "To be, or not to be, that is the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer, The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, And by opposing end them. To die-to sleep, No more; and by a sleep to say we end, The heart-ache and thousand natural shocks, That flesh is heir to: 'tis a consummation, Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; Perchance to dream-ay, there's the rub."
- Lulu Monahan: Incidentally, you're supposed to be playing up to Kyser, not his girl.
- John Barrymore: An occasional tête-à-tête with Miss Simms is nothing that should arouse your evangelistic fervor. I am entitled to some compensation for associating with this Dixieland Macbeth.
- Lulu Monahan: Hmm. Love finds Andy hardening of the arteries.
- Lulu Monahan: If you must play Romeo, pick out a Juliet in your own division. Canvas his grandma.
- John Barrymore: You would have me encourage that Confederate Mother Machree?
- John Barrymore: You are looking at man, at peace with the world, me little jellybean, at peace with the world.
- Carmen del Toro: I'm sorry, baby. But, you know how it is with a bullfighter. I lose my temper sometimes.
- John Barrymore: I am glad I'm not a bull.
- Carmen del Toro: Oh, I wouldn't let anybody in the world hurt you, angel. Except me!
- Carmen del Toro: What can I do to help you?
- John Barrymore: Well, it's this Kyser fellow, Enchilada. If you could wear him down a bit. A sort of jangle his nerves.
- Carmen del Toro: You want Carmen to make him suffer?
- John Barrymore: Could you?
- Carmen del Toro: The man never live that I cannot make suffer. And because I love you, I will make Kyser suffer - even more than I made you suffer.
- Kay Kyser: And now we climax our entertainment with this beautiful song to be sung by a lovely lady. It's - Ginny Simms!
- Ginny Simms - Band Singer: [singing] I better watch myself, I'm acting strange, I can't believe the things I see, Did you just touch my hand? Did you just sigh? My mind is playing funny tricks on me, You with your arms around me, That's more than I would dare to scheme, It must have been a mere illusion, How long did I dream?
- Kay Kyser: Eddie, conga. Play "Que Chica" boys.
- The Guardsmen: [singing] Que, Que, Que, Que Chica, They would say in Havana, Or Costa Rica, Or at Peru, That means, How fascinating you are, So very few are, Like you are, Que, Que, Que, Que Chica, They would say in Chihuahua, But in Topeka, They would say, Oh, Gee!
- Carmen del Toro: I want to thank you for playing for me so beautifully.
- Kay Kyser: Do you? I mean, did I? We did?
- Carmen del Toro: Did you tell him to get in the mud with Shakespeare?
- John Barrymore: Not, mud. Mood!
- Ish Kabibble: What did the Mama Bullet say to the Papa Bullet?
- John Barrymore: What did the Mama Bullet say to the Papa Bullet?
- Ish Kabibble: I think we're gonna have a BB.
- John Barrymore: If I have to take desperate measures, I will.
- Lulu Monahan: Now, don't do anything that might get you in trouble later.
- John Barrymore: What could get me in more trouble than playing Shakespeare with that syncopated cotton picker?
- John Barrymore: Contract or no contract. I will not appear on the stage with that detour from Tobacco Road.
- Ish Kabibble: "Two households, both alike in dignity. In fair Verona, where we lay our scene. From ancient grudge break new mutiny. Where civil blood makes civil hands unclean." Well, strike me silly. What does that mean? This guy Shakespeare is certainly quaint. Sounds like English; but, I know it ain't.
- Phonograph Renting Co. Girl: What record please?
- Telephone Caller: Have you got "Shoot the Juice to me Bruce" played by Splash Morgan and his Nine Musical Drips?
- Pee Wee: [Peter starts to leave the bar] Say, what about this drink?
- Peter Lindsay: Pour it in an envelop and mail it to me.
- Pee Wee: Okay, I'll - hey, I don't know your address.
- Kay Kyser: Isn't that romantic, Ginny? Why can't I think of things like that to say?
- Ginny Simms - Band Singer: You, Kay? Oh, no!
- [laughs]
- Kay Kyser: Why the hilarity?
- Ginny Simms - Band Singer: I don't know. I just can't picture you being romantic. That's all. You've always seem to me like - well, Kay, you're not a glamour boy!
- Kay Kyser: Oh, I see.
- Ginny Simms - Band Singer: Now, don't tell me you're going to pout.
- Ginny Simms - Band Singer: Whatever would make a girl like that want to fight with bulls?
- John Barrymore: Probably, a sense of fairness, my dear child. Any animal smaller than a bull would be outmatched.
- John Barrymore: [Carmen kicks Barrymore in the behind] What was that for?
- Carmen del Toro: That's to remind you not to make any goo-goo eyes at that Simms dame.
- John Barrymore: Carmen, I never laid a finger on Ginny.
- Carmen del Toro: Well, see that you don't, baby. You wouldn't look so good playing Hamlet with no head! Vamonos!
- Harry Babbitt - Band Member: [singing] You'll still take a chance, won't you?
- Ginny Simms - Band Singer: You sure want romance, don't you?
- Ginny Simms - Band Singer, Harry Babbitt - Band Member: Hope you're lucky, Humpty Dumpty heart.
- Harry Babbitt - Band Member: You're a crazy Humpty Dumpty heart.
- Ginny Simms - Band Singer: You're a silly Humpty Dumpty heart...