Week-End at the Waldorf (1945)

Chip Collyer : [walks into hotel room] Pretty nice foxhole.

Chip Collyer : Boy, you're hotter than a firecracker on the fifth of July.

Irene Malvern : You're not very clever, now.

Chip Collyer : No. I-I, I have my off moments and this is one.

Chip Collyer : The fact is, for ten years, I've been looking for you and not even knowing it. And when I saw you, well I, had to stay.

Irene Malvern : I think you better go - and get your hotcakes.

Hi Johns : That a boy, Chip. I want you fresh and rested and rarin' to go.

Chip Collyer : Yeah, I know. Rarin' to go, back there. Hi, have you ever seen men die - slowly?

Hi Johns : Now, wait a minute.

Chip Collyer : Well, I have - wholesale. Spain. London. France. Germany. It ain't pretty.

Hi Johns : So long, Chip.

Chip Collyer : Bye, Hi.

Chip Collyer : Well, well, Irene Melvern. It's a long way from Italy! You know, you gave a swell performance for me, one night at Sovana, me and 5,000 GIs. The film broke a couple of times, but, it was swell. You'll never know what you did to me that night.

Irene Malvern : Let me assure you that there's a detective standing outside that door.

Chip Collyer : Perry Mason, Peter Wimsey or Sherlock Holmes?

Irene Malvern : So, you're a sensation seeker. Is that it?

Chip Collyer : That's it! If I weren't a jewel thief, would I be sitting here with one of the loveliest woman in America? Watching her green-flecked eyes change from fear to scorn to anger to pity. Oh, yes, I saw some pity in those eyes. And, while we're on the subject, if you don't mind my saying so, that's the nicest hank of hair I've seen in many a lonesome month. And, the nose. It isn't bad, either. But, you know what gets me? The voice. There's music in it.

Chip Collyer : You're a pretty lonely soul, aren't you?

Irene Malvern : What makes you say that?

Chip Collyer : And frightened too.

Irene Malvern : Of you?

Chip Collyer : Oh, no, not of me - of life.

Irene Malvern : I'm not afraid of anything or anybody.

Chip Collyer : I am. Most people with any sense are at one time or another.

Chip Collyer : What is it you're after anyway? You've got looks, success, a dizzy amount of it, from what I can make out. A hundred million women would trample each other to pieces to change places with you. And, yet, coming back to your eyes, which incidentally fascinate me, there's something missing?

Irene Malvern : I'm very happy. What's more, we're not here to discuss me.

Chip Collyer : Oh, sorry.

Irene Malvern : I realize that's a subtle form of flattery, but, I assure you, I'm on to it.

Chip Collyer : Can't get around you, can I, huh?

Irene Malvern : Not very easily.

Irene Malvern : What are you going to tell them, uh, the Syndicate, if I should let you go?

Chip Collyer : That I couldn't pull the job. Met my intended uh, victim. She was beautiful, she was warm, she was gentle and sincere. I still had a little spark of decency left, so, I returned the necklace.

Irene Malvern : What necklace?

Chip Collyer : The uh, the Grand Duke's.

Irene Malvern : "Grand Hotel"! Why that's straight out of the picture, "Grand Hotel!"

Chip Collyer : That's right! I am the Baron, you are the ballerina, and we're off to see the wizard.

Irene Malvern : I'm really not angry about last night.

Chip Collyer : No?

Irene Malvern : In a way, I suppose, I'm to blame.

Irene Malvern : I'd really like to know what goes on in that mighty brain of yours.

Chip Collyer : Ah, sweet mystery of life.

Irene Malvern : What would lead a man to take a lady's key, tell the clerk that he's her husband and, then, plop himself down in her living room? I'm just curious.

Chip Collyer : Think, woman. Think. I'm in the market for a wife. I told you that. You won't have me. You ought to know a good second choice. Someone, eh, oh, not as attractive as you are, but, fairly attractive; not as warm hearted, but, fairly warm hearted; not as, not as exciting, but, fairly exciting. Think.

Irene Malvern : Well, I don't know many women, except actresses.

Chip Collyer : Nice thing about picture actresses, though, you can look them over on the screen before you meet 'em. Who did you have in mind?

Irene Malvern : Well, I have one or two stand-ins.

Chip Collyer : No. No substitutes won't do. It's, eh, it's you or nobody. I can't have you so, well, it was just a crazy notion anyhow. Sort of a weekend mirage.

Chip Collyer : Imagine two people like us - getting together. Ridiculous, isn't it.

Irene Malvern : Ridiculous.

Chip Collyer : Oil and water don't mix.

Irene Malvern : Oil and - water don't mix.

Chip Collyer : The law of Physics.

Irene Malvern : The law of Physics.

Chip Collyer : Common sense.

Irene Malvern : Common sense.

Chip Collyer : East is East.

Irene Malvern : West is West.

Chip Collyer : Simple arithmetic it - doesn't add up.

Irene Malvern : It doesn't - add up.

[kiss]

Chip Collyer : Shades of peace and prosperity! If it isn't my old friend, Martin X. Edley.

Martin X. Edley : Chip Collyer! What are you doing back in New York?

Chip Collyer : How was life in the penitentiary?

Martin X. Edley : You wrote a lot of lies about me. You know very well I was acquitted.

Chip Collyer : Yeah, that's because I went off to war.

Chip Collyer : You know, if I wasn't bent on sleeping, I'd look into that gentleman's activity.

Chip Collyer : Pretty nice foxhole, Hi.

Hi Johns : Yep. Eat, sleep, read and relax. That's all you have until Monday, and the paper pays for the works.

Chip Collyer : Yeah, well sleep is all I want. Just sleep.

Chip Collyer : Hello, Emile. I haven't seen you since you put me to bed at the, uh, publisher's convention.

Emile : That's right. Feb. 15, 1939. Welcome back to America, Mr. Collyer.

Chip Collyer : [Flips a coin] Heads, I take my clothes off; tails, I sleep as is. Tails.

[He spreads out on a big sofa]

Hi Johns : You want me to put a "Do Not Disturb" sign?

Chip Collyer : No, I'll take care of that myself. I, uh, carry my own.

[He sticks a long drop-down list on his door that reads "Do Not Disturb" in several languages]

Oliver Webson : Say, could I have a drink? I've had a tough day.

Chip Collyer : You sure it won't dull the keen edge of that razor-like mind of yours?

Irene Malvern : You took a mean advantage of a poor, devoted soul.

Chip Collyer : Did I?

Chip Collyer : I know it's a bit complicated but if you pay attention, I'll diagram it for you.

Irene Malvern : Anna has already done that.

Chip Collyer : Oh, there's back to Anna again, huh?

Irene Malvern : Yes. She told me everything.

Chip Collyer : She did?

Irene Malvern : Yes. I can better understand her now.

Chip Collyer : You can?

Irene Malvern : I do well understanding.

Irene Malvern : Have you any love for her at all?

Chip Collyer : Oh, uh, you know how it is.

Irene Malvern : She was only a means to an end, huh?

Chip Collyer : Did she say that?

Irene Malvern : Oh, not in those words.

Irene Malvern : As a matter of fact, she didn't make very much sense. She was hysterical. And I can understand that too. After all, you've been using your wiles on her for some time now. And why? To get my jewels.

Chip Collyer : Oh, I see. I see.

Irene Malvern : Oh, let me assure you, my jewels are downstairs in the vault.

Chip Collyer : Oh, well then, in that case...

[He starts to leave]

Irene Malvern : And furthermore, let me assure you that there is a detective standing outside that door.

Chip Collyer : Uh, Perry Mason, Peter Wimsey, or Sherlock Holmes?

Irene Malvern : [after stopping Chip from putting her cigarette lighter in his pocket] You just can't help taking things, can you?

Chip Collyer : Oh, now look, Miss Malvern, you've got me all wrong.

Irene Malvern : Do you want to go to prison?

Chip Collyer : Uh, that's uh... an experience I've never really had.

Chip Collyer : If I weren't a jewel thief, would I be sitting here with one of the loveliest women in America? Watching her green flecked eyes change from fear to scorn to anger to pity? Oh, yes, I saw some pity in those eyes... And, uh, oh, the nose... The voice...

Irene Malvern : Poor Anna. She never had a chance, did she?

Chip Collyer : Not a chance.

Irene Malvern : But what made you a thief?

Chip Collyer : Oh, that's a long story.

Irene Malvern : Is it, uh, hereditary?

Chip Collyer : No. My father was a missionary.

Irene Malvern : Oh, a good man

Chip Collyer : None better.

Irene Malvern : Well, uh, when did you first...

Chip Collyer : Steal?

Irene Malvern : Yes.

Chip Collyer : Um, let's not go into that. Anyway, why are you taking all this trouble over me? You're a movie star. You ought to be at El Morocco or some place.

Chip Collyer : Incidentally, are you engaged, married, divorced?

Irene Malvern : Oh, no, no.

Chip Collyer : How come?

Irene Malvern : I work. That's something I recommend to you - work. The only thing in life.

Chip Collyer : Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Irene Malvern : Well, the only satisfying thing.

Chip Collyer : And I wouldn't say that either.

Irene Malvern : What else is there then?

Chip Collyer : Well, there's, uh, fishing.

Chip Collyer : [He takes a flower from her vase and puts it in his lapel hole] All right, showdown. I'm the parasite. Not a bad fellow. Good manners. A gentleman. They, uh, call me The Baron.

Irene Malvern : Who's they?

Chip Collyer : The gang.

Irene Malvern : You mean you work with a gang?

Chip Collyer : Well, a syndicate, if you prefer.

Irene Malvern : Then this whole thing has been carefully organized?

Chip Collyer : Oh, oh, oh, meticulous.

Chip Collyer : Look, do you still believe I'm a jewel thief?

Irene Malvern : Well, if you aren't, why did you ask Anna for the key?

Chip Collyer : Can't you guess?

Irene Malvern : Why, that's the most outrageous... I think you'd better go.

Irene Malvern : Wait! Will the police know you by sight.

Chip Collyer : There isn't a cop in New York who doesn't.

Irene Malvern : Wait here, then. I'll get rid of the detective.

Chip Collyer : You're quite right about me. But I am not the same man who came in here. Won't you believe that?

Irene Malvern : [Opens the connecting door to see Chip stacking furniture to block it] What are you doing?

Chip Collyer : I once walked in my sleep.

Chip Collyer : Oh, you don't think any lawyer in his right mind would have me as his client, any more than any woman in her right mind would have me as a husband?

Irene Malvern : Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Irene Malvern : [Irene takes Cynthia into the next bedroom where Chip is sitting and eating breakfast. He doesn't know what's going on] Chip, darling?

Chip Collyer : Huh?

Irene Malvern : Precious. Cynthia, this is my husband.

[Chip drops his toast in his coffee]

Irene Malvern : Precious, this is Cynthia Drew. She's marrying Bobby Campbell this afternoon.

Chip Collyer : Huh?

Cynthia Drew : You're Chip Collyer, the war correspondent, aren't you?

Chip Collyer : Yes.

Cynthia Drew : I heard your lecture at the college.

Irene Malvern : And doesn't he tell the most fantastic stories? Some of them true. Go ahead and finish your breakfast, dear.

[She leads Cynthia out of the room]

Oliver Webson : Say, do you know, he's got a goat - he drinks goat's milk. Ugh.

Chip Collyer : Did you see him?