- Sara Farley: Oh, I'll - I'll call the police.
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: Good! Tell them I'm not your husband. Don't let me go through life with that blot on my record.
- Attorney Ketchell: Do you mean to imply, sir, that this beautiful specimen of American womanhood, this veritable flower of ravishing femininity, who represents how much? a hundred million? merely claims that she's married to you, and you want to sue her for libel?
- Policeman: [noticing that two pairs of reporters are standing on the marriage license line] Look, I don't know what kind of license you fellas want, but this ain't the place for it!
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: You know it could be worse. Suppose we were really married?
- Sara Farley: Uh-uh. My imagination doesn't stretch that far.
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: Mrs. Whitson, this seems like a wonderful party. I always have wanted to mingle with the filthy rich. But you know, I can't afford one of those monkey suits, and Sara hasn't bought my trousseau yet.
- Sara Farley: Don't tell me beneath that rude exterior lurks the soul of a gentleman?
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: That's not all that lurks there.
- Homer Beggs - Justice of the Peace - Monroe Township: I don't know how you done it, but don't do it again.
- Sara Farley: [to Tom] I don't want you to get hurt for my sake. Then you'll become warped and cynical like the rest. You're too nice for that.
- Sara Farley: Don't print that article.
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: What?
- Sara Farley: It'll only make you look foolish.
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: Me?
- Sara Farley: In the first place, it simply isn't good journalism. I know, Tom. I'm the expert. They started in on me when I was in kindergarten. When I won a prize for deportment, there wasn't a line about it, but it was front page news when I tried to scratch the eyes out of that little beast of a Vandermeer girl. The great reading public isn't interested in normal human beings - they want freaks served up with all the trimmings.
- Sara Farley: Why are you looking at me like that Tom, like you 'd never seen me before?
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's the whiskey, or the crack on the head I took, or maybe it's just you.
- Sara Farley: [There's a knock at the door] I guess we're being rescued.
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: I'm afraid we are.
- Anut Cornelia Farley: He's nice, don't you think.
- Count André de Guyon: I do not. I think he's trying to take the bread right out of my mouth.
- Sara Farley: Darling, you know, you look feverish. I really think you shouldn't stay.
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: Oh, me? I feel like a million dollars... a million do.. heh, heh, heh. That's pretty good, huh? The old bean's working fine.
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: You know, Sara, we'll have to have her come and live with us. She's a wonderful gal. Why, she chews tobacco just like dad, only better. She can drown a beetle at 20 paces. Oh, she's - you'll love her.
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: Well, Uncle Porter - he's my half-wit uncle with the hives. Uncle Porter was heatin' up the mash and starting in to sweat out about a 40 gallon of the prettiest mountain dew that ever invited snakes to a picnic.
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: Why'd you have to slug me.
- Sara Farley: I didn't. You slugged yourself on that tree.
- Sara Farley: Is it true that you've given up your newspaper work.
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: Yes, dear - I'm going in for pigeon hunting.
- Attorney Ketchell: Who're we suing this morning?
- Findlay: Sara Farley.
- Attorney Ketchell: Why? Didn't she give him his allowance.
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: Oh, ho, very funny.
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: Oh, a fine wife you are. Still a bride and already you're out with another man.
- Sara Farley: The great reading public isn't interested in normal human beings. They want freaks, served up with all the trimmings.
- Mrs. Whitson: Has your mother passed on, Mr. Tyler?
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: Oh, no, no, no. She's still up there in the cabin on the mountain. 'The old Widdy of Mount Baldy,' they call her.
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: [Tossing peanuts into the air to catch in his mouth] You know, it's funny. Ma always use to say, 'Marry a rich girl.' Feather your nest, she said. It can't hurt. She was right. Guess she must still be watchin' over me.
- Duffy - Chronicle Editor: How does this strike you.
- Attorney Ketchell: I don't know. Why don't you sue for divorce and get a fat settlement?
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: Because I'm not married to her.
- Marriage License Clerk: I can't be a party to a conspiracy to commit bigamy. You got any proof that you're not married to Sara Farley.
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: Well, you know no one can prove that they're not married Nobody issues certificates of non-marriage.
- Duffy - Chronicle Editor: Now she'll get what's coming to her.
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: What's coming to HER? Maybe you don't know what's happening. This morning an old lady came up to me on the street and hit me one the head with an umbrella.
- Duffy - Chronicle Editor, Thomas Jefferson Tyler: What for?
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: She said she was doing it in the name of womanhood.
- Duffy - Chronicle Editor: Can we win?
- Attorney Ketchell: Well, if he's telling the truth we can. He's been damaged all right --- damaged to the tune of a million dollars.
- Thomas Jefferson Tyler: [On the witness stand, to Sara's attorney] And I resent your attempts to make me appear an idiot. Your honor, do I have to stand for this?
- Judge Parker: Uh, the matter of who is or who is not an idiot has not been brought into this action. The witness will answer the questions.