- Moe: [Shemp and Larry are pretending to be a couple] Good morning what is your name please?
- Shemp: Shempena Howard.
- Moe: Well married or single?
- Shemp: Married and this is my husband, the rat.
- Larry: Cut it out.
- Moe: Tell me Sir, have you any children?
- Larry: [Larry counts his fingers] No children.
- Moe: Where were you born, madam?
- Shemp: In the hospital.
- Moe: Hospital?
- Shemp: Yes, I want to be near my mother.
- Larry: What does your husband do?
- Lucy Wyckoff: He's an expert in legerdemain.
- Larry: Legerdemain. Oh, a bookkeeper.
- Lucy Wyckoff: No, he's a prestidigitator.
- Shemp: Oh, a pants presser?
- Moe: Are you guys ignorant? Didn't you hear the lady say? He presses refrigerators.
- Shemp, Larry: Oh!
- Lucy Wyckoff: No, no, no. We do an illusion act in vaudeville. He's a magician. He makes things disappear.
- Shemp: I got an uncle who can make things disappear.
- Moe: Is he a magician?
- Shemp: No, he's a kleptomaniac.
- Larry: [through an empty TV screen to Mr. Wycoff, who's about to throw knives at Moe and Shemp] Ah, ah, ah! Don't you dare! Don't you dare do anything to endanger the lives of others! When you drive, drive carefully!
- Mr. Wycoff: [thinking that he's talking to his wife under the bed covers when really it's Shemp] I'm sorry I suspected you. You know how much I love you. Won't you just tell me you forgive me?
- Shemp: [in a feminine voice] I forgive you, dear.
- Mr. Wycoff: How about giving daddy a little kiss. Come on, honey, give me a little kiss.
- [kisses Shemp's arm, then noticing the hairs on Shemp's arm, he plucks some of them out]
- Shemp: OUCH!
- [in a feminine voice]
- Shemp: Ouch! Darling, you're rough. You hurt little me.