My Fair Lady (1964)

Rex Harrison: Professor Henry Higgins

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Quotes 

• Professor Henry Higgins : There even are places where English completely disappears; in America they haven't used it for years.

• Professor Henry Higgins : She's so deliciously low. So horribly dirty.

• Colonel Hugh Pickering : I'll have you know, Doolittle, that Mr. Higgins' intentions are entirely honorable!

  Alfred P. Doolittle : Oh, 'course they are, guv'nor. If I thought they wasn't, I'd ask fifty.

  Professor Henry Higgins : [shocked]  You mean to say you'd sell your daughter for fifty pounds?

  Colonel Hugh Pickering : Have you NO morals, man?

  Alfred P. Doolittle : Nah. Nah, can't afford 'em, guv'nor. Neither could you, if you was as poor as me.

• Professor Henry Higgins : The French don't care what they do actually, as long as they pronounce it properly.

• [last lines] 

  Professor Henry Higgins : Eliza? Where the devil are my slippers?

• Professor Henry Higgins : You see, the great secret, Eliza, is not a question of good manners or bad manners, or any particular sort of manners, but having the same manner for all human souls. The question is not whether I treat you rudely, but whether you've ever heard me treat anyone else better.

  Eliza Doolittle : I don't care how you treat me. I don't mind your swearing at me. I shouldn't mind a black eye; I've had one before this. But I won't be passed over!

  Professor Henry Higgins : Well then, get out of my way, for I won't stop for you. You talk about me as though I were a motor bus.

  Eliza Doolittle : So you are a motor bus! All bounce and go, and no consideration for anybody. But I can get along without you. Don't you think I can't!

  Professor Henry Higgins : I know you can. I told you you could.

  [pause] 

  Professor Henry Higgins : [quietly]  You've never wondered, I suppose, whether... whether I could get along without you.

  Eliza Doolittle : Well, you have my voice on your phonograph. When you feel lonesome without me you can turn it on. It has no feelings to hurt.

  Professor Henry Higgins : I... I can't turn your soul on.

  Eliza Doolittle : Ooh, you are a *devil*. You can twist the heart in a girl the same way some fellows twist her arms to hurt her!

• Colonel Hugh Pickering : Are you a man of good character where women are concerned?

  Professor Henry Higgins : Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?

  Colonel Hugh Pickering : Yes, very frequently.

  Professor Henry Higgins : Well, I haven't. I find that the moment a woman makes friends with me she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance. And I find that the moment I make friends with a woman I become selfish and tyrannical. So here I am, a confirmed old bachelor and likely to remain so.

• Professor Henry Higgins : Why can't a woman be more like a man?

• Professor Henry Higgins : All right, Eliza, say it again.

  Eliza Doolittle : The rine in spine sties minely in the pline.

  Professor Henry Higgins : [sighs]  The *rain* in *Spain* stays *mainly* in the *plain*.

  Eliza Doolittle : Didn't ah sy that?

  Professor Henry Higgins : No, Eliza, you didn't "sy" that, you didn't even "say" that. Now every night before you get into bed, where you used to say your prayers, I want you to say "The rain in Spain stays mainly in the plain" fifty times. You'll get much further with the Lord if you learn not to offend His ears.

• Professor Henry Higgins : Eliza, you are to stay here for the next six months, learning to speak beautifully, like a lady in a florist's shop. If you work hard and do as you're told, you shall sleep in a proper bedroom, have lots to eat, and money to buy chocolates and go for rides in taxis. But if you are naughty and idle, you shall sleep in the back kitchen amongst the black beetles, and be walloped by Mrs. Pearce with a broomstick. At the end of six months you will be taken to Buckingham Palace, in a carriage, beautifully dressed. If the king finds out you are not a lady, you will be taken to the Tower of London, where your head will be cut off as a warning to other presumptuous flower girls! But if you are not found out, you shall have a present... of, ah... seven and six to start life with as a lady in a shop. If you refuse this offer, you will be the most ungrateful, wicked girl, and the angels will weep for you.

• Professor Henry Higgins : How poignant it will be on that inevitable night, when she shows up on my door in tears and rags! Miserable and lonely, repentant and contrite! Shall I take her in, or hurl her to the wolves? Give her kindness, or the treatment she deserves? Will I take her back, or THROW THE BAGGAGE OUT? Well, I'm a most forgiving man. The sort who never could, ever would, take a position and staunchly never budge. A *most* forgiving man... But, I shall NEVER take her back! If she were crawling on her KNEES! Let her promise to atone, let her shiver, let her moan, I'll slam the door and let the hellcat FREEZE! Marry Freddy! HA!

  [turns to unlock the door, but stops in despair] 

  Professor Henry Higgins : But I'm so used to hear her say, "Good morning" every day... Her joys, her woes, her highs, her lows, are second nature to me now, like breathing out and breathing in... I'm very grateful she's a woman, and so easy to forget! Rather like a habit one can always break... And yet... I've grown accustomed to the trace... of something in the air... Accustomed... to her... face.

• Professor Henry Higgins : Mother!

  Mrs. Higgins : What is it, Henry? What's happened?

  Professor Henry Higgins : [quietly, bewildered]  She's gone.

  Mrs. Higgins : Well, of course, dear, what did you expect?

  Professor Henry Higgins : What... what am I to do?

  Mrs. Higgins : Do without, I suppose.

  [pause] 

  Professor Henry Higgins : And so I shall! If the Higgins oxygen burns up her little lungs, let her seek some stuffiness that suits her. She's an owl sickened by a few days of my sunshine. Very well, let her go, I can do without her. I can do without anyone. I have my own soul! My own spark of divine fire!

  [storms outs] 

  Mrs. Higgins : Bravo, Eliza.

• Eliza Doolittle : [singing]  I shall not feel alone without you, I can stand on my own without you. So go back in your shell, I can do bloody well without...

  Professor Henry Higgins : [singing]  By George, I really did it, I did it, I did it! I said I'd make a woman and indeed, I did. I knew that I could do it, I knew it, I knew it! I said I'd make a woman and succeed, I did!

  [speaking] 

  Professor Henry Higgins : Eliza, you're magnificent. Five minutes ago, you were a millstone around my neck, and now you're a tower of strength, a consort battleship. I like you this way.

  [pause] 

  Eliza Doolittle : Goodbye, Professor Higgins. You shall not be seeing me again.

• Professor Henry Higgins : The question is not whether I've treated you rudely but whether you've ever heard me treat anyone else better.

• Professor Henry Higgins : You impudent hussy!

• Professor Henry Higgins : Damn Mrs. Pearce, damn the coffee, and damn you!

• Professor Henry Higgins : By George, she's got it! By George, she's got it! Now once again, where does it rain?

  Eliza Doolittle : [sings]  On the plain, on the plain.

  Professor Henry Higgins : And where's that soggy plain?

  Eliza Doolittle : [sings]  In Spain, in Spain!

• Professor Henry Higgins : Damn, damn, damn, DAMN!

  [astonished] 

  Professor Henry Higgins : I've grown accustomed to her face! She almost makes the day begin! I've grown accustomed to the tune that she whistles night and noon. Her smiles, her frowns, her ups, her downs, are second nature to me now, like breathing out and breathing in... I was serenely independent and content before we met! Surely I could always be that way again... And yet... I've grown accustomed to her looks, accustomed to her voice, accustomed... to her... face.

• Professor Henry Higgins : By George, Eliza, the streets will be strewn with the bodies of men shooting themselves for your sake before I'm done with you.

• Professor Henry Higgins : Marry Freddy! What an infantile idea, what a heartless, wicked, brainless thing to do. She'll regret it. She'll regret it! It's doomed before they even take the vow.

  [sings] 

  Professor Henry Higgins : I can see her now, "Mrs. Freddy Einsford-Hill," in a wretched little flat above a store. I can see her now! Not a penny in the till, and a bill-collector beating at the door! She'll try to teach the things *I* taught her... and end up selling flowers instead! Begging for her bread and water! While her husband has his breakfast in bed! In a year or so, when she's prematurely gray, and the blossom in her cheek has turned to chalk, she'll come home, and lo! He'll have upped and run away with a social-climbing heiress from New York! Poor Eliza! How simply frightful! How humiliating! How *delightful*!

• Professor Henry Higgins : She's an owl, sickened by a few days of *my* sunshine.

• Professor Henry Higgins : I've learned something from your idiotic notions, I confess that; humbly and gratefully.

• Professor Henry Higgins : Have some chocolates, Eliza.

  Eliza Doolittle : [halting, tempted]  'Ow do I know what might be in 'em? I've 'eard o' girls bein' drugged by the likes o' you.

  Professor Henry Higgins : [Takes a chocolate and breaks it in half]  Pledge of good faith. I'll take one half...

  [puts one half into his mouth and bolts it, then pops the other half into Eliza's mouth] 

  Professor Henry Higgins : And you take the other. You'll have boxes of them, barrels of them. You'll live on them, eh?

  Eliza Doolittle : [Eliza chews hesitatingly]  I wouldn't've et it, only I'm too ladylike to take it out o' me mouth.

  Professor Henry Higgins : Think of it, Eliza. Think of chocolates. And taxis! And gold! And diamonds!

  Eliza Doolittle : Ah-ah-ah-ow-ow-oo! I don't want no gold and no diamonds! I'm a good girl, I am!

• Mrs. Pearce : Here's the mail, sir.

  Professor Henry Higgins : Well, pay the bills, and say "no" to the invitations.

• Professor Henry Higgins : *You* won my bet? You presumptuous insect, *I* won it.

• Professor Henry Higgins : [singing]  Women are irrational, that's all there is to that! Their heads are full of cotton, hay, and rags. They're nothing but exasperating, irritating, vacillating, calculating, agitating, maddening and infuriating hags!

• Professor Henry Higgins : May I ask, do you complain of your treatment here?

  Eliza Doolittle : No.

  Professor Henry Higgins : Has anyone behaved badly? Colonel Pickering, Mrs. Pearce?

  Eliza Doolittle : No.

  Professor Henry Higgins : You certainly don't pretend that I have treated you badly?

  Eliza Doolittle : No.

• Mrs. Higgins : Where's the girl now?

  Professor Henry Higgins : She's being pinned. Some of the clothes we bought her didn't quite fit. I told Pickering we should have taken her with us.

• Professor Henry Higgins : Damn, damn, damn, damn!

• Professor Henry Higgins : You might marry, you know. You see, Eliza, all men are not confirmed old bachelors like myself and the Colonel. Most men are the marrying sort, poor devils. And you're not bad-looking; you're really quite a pleasure to look at sometimes. Not now, of course, when you've been crying, you look like the very devil; but when you're all right, and quite yourself, you're what I would call... attractive.

• Professor Henry Higgins : Oh, Pickering, for God's sake stop being dashed and do something!

• Professor Henry Higgins : Would I run off and never tell me where I'm going?

• Professor Henry Higgins : I paid five pounds for her. She's mine!

• Professor Henry Higgins : By George, she's got it! BY GEORGE, SHE'S GOT IT!

• Eliza Doolittle : Uuuuuhoooooooow!

  Professor Henry Higgins : Look at her, a prisoner of the gutters, condemned by every syllable she utters. By right she should be taken out and hung for the cold-blooded murder of the English tongue!

• Professor Henry Higgins : Mother, the most confounded thing. Do you...

  [surprised to see Eliza] 

  Professor Henry Higgins : You?

  Eliza Doolittle : Good afternoon, Professor Higgins. Are you quite well?

  Professor Henry Higgins : Am I...

  Eliza Doolittle : Of course you are. You are never ill. Would you care for some tea?

  Professor Henry Higgins : Don't you dare try that game on me. I taught it to you. Now, you get up and come home and stop being a fool. You've caused me enough trouble for one morning.

  Mrs. Higgins : Very nicely put indeed, Henry. No woman could resist such an invitation.

  Professor Henry Higgins : How did this baggage get here in the first place?

  Mrs. Higgins : Eliza came to see me this morning and I was delighted to have her. And if you don't promise to behave yourself, I must ask you to leave.

  Professor Henry Higgins : What, do you mean to say I'm to put on my Sunday manners for this thing that I created out of the squashed cabbage leaves of Covent Garden?

  Mrs. Higgins : That's precisely what I mean.

  Professor Henry Higgins : Well, I'll see her damned first.

• Colonel Hugh Pickering : How do you do it, may I ask?

  Professor Henry Higgins : Simple phonetics. The science of speech. That's my profession. Also my hobby. Anyone can spot an Irishman or a Yorkshireman by his brogue, but I can place a man within six miles. I can place him within two miles in London. Sometimes within two streets.

  Eliza Doolittle : Ought to be ashamed of himself, unmanly coward.

  Colonel Hugh Pickering : Is there a living in that?

  Professor Henry Higgins : Oh, yes, quite a fat one.

  Eliza Doolittle : Let him mind his own business and leave a poor girl.

  Professor Henry Higgins : Woman! Cease this detestable boohooing instantly, or else seek the shelter of some other place of worship.

  Eliza Doolittle : I have a right to be here if I like, same as you.

  Professor Henry Higgins : A woman who utters such disgusting and depressing noises has no right to be anywhere. No right to live. Remember that you're a human being with a soul and the divine gift of articulate speech. That your native language is the language of Shakespeare and Milton and the Bible. Don't sit there crooning like a bilious pigeon.

• Professor Henry Higgins : There even are places where English completely disappears. Why, in America, they haven't used it for years!

• Professor Henry Higgins : I know your head aches; I know you're tired; I know your nerves are as raw as meat in a butcher's window. But think what you're trying to accomplish. Think what you're dealing with. The majesty and grandeur of the English language, it's the greatest possession we have. The noblest thoughts that ever flowed through the hearts of men are contained in its extraordinary, imaginative, and musical mixtures of sounds. And that's what you've set yourself out to conquer Eliza. And conquer it you will.

• Professor Henry Higgins : Shall we ask this baggage to sit down or shall we just throw her out of the window?

• Professor Henry Higgins : I promise you, you'll say your vowels correctly before this day is out, or there'll be no lunch, no dinner, and no chocolates.

  [he goes upstairs to his study] 

  Eliza Doolittle : [singing]  Just you wait, 'Enry 'Iggins, just you wait. You'll be sorry, but your tears'll be too late. You'll be broke and I'll 'ave money. Will I 'elp you, don't be funny. Just you wait, 'Enry 'Iggins, just you wait. Just you wait, 'Enry 'Iggins, 'til you're sick and you screams to fetch a doctor double-quick. I'll be off a second later and go straight to the theater. Ho, ho, 'Enry 'Iggins, just you wait. Ooh, 'Enry 'Iggins. Just you wait until we're swimming in the sea. Ooh, 'Enry 'Iggins, and you gets a cramp a little ways from me. When you yell, you're gonna drown, I'll get dressed and go to town. Ho, ho, ho, 'Enry 'Iggins. Ho, ho, ho, 'Enry 'Iggins, just you wait.

• Eliza Doolittle : [suspicious about her father showing up at Higgins' residence]  'Ere, what did 'e come for?

  Professor Henry Higgins : Say your vowels.

  Eliza Doolittle : I know me vowels. I knew 'em before I come.

  Professor Henry Higgins : Well, if you know them, say them.

  Eliza Doolittle : [with her thick accent]  Ai, Eh, Aye, Ow, U.

  Professor Henry Higgins : Stop!

  [enunciating clearly] 

  Professor Henry Higgins : A, E, I, O, U.

  Eliza Doolittle : That's what I said, Ai, Eh, Aye, Ow, U. That's what I've been sayin' for three days and I won't say 'em no more.

  Colonel Hugh Pickering : I know it's difficult, Miss Doolittle, but try to understand.

  Professor Henry Higgins : There's no use explaining, Pickering. As a military man, you ought to know that. Drilling is what she needs. Now, you leave her alone or she'll be turning to you for sympathy.

• Zoltan Karpathy : Don't you remember me?

  Professor Henry Higgins : No. Who the devil are you?

  Zoltan Karpathy : I'm your pupil. Your first, your greatest, your best pupil. I'm Zoltan Karpathy. That marvelous boy.

  Professor Henry Higgins : [recognizing him]  Oh.

  Zoltan Karpathy : Ah. I made your name famous throughout Europe. You teach me phonetics, you cannot forget me.

  Professor Henry Higgins : Why don't you have your hair cut?

  Zoltan Karpathy : Ah, well, I don't have your imposing appearance, your figure, your brow. If I had my hair cut, nobody would notice me.

  Professor Henry Higgins : [looking at the row of medals on his lapel]  Where did you get all these old coins?

  Zoltan Karpathy : These are decorations for language. The Queen of Transylvania is here this evening. I'm indispensable to her at these official, international parties. I speak 32 languages, I know everyone in Europe. No imposter can escape my detection.

  Greek Ambassador : [passing by]  Professor Karpathy.

  Zoltan Karpathy : [bowing, then turning back to Higgins]  The Greek ambassador. Greek my foot. He pretends not to know any English, but he cannot deceive me. He's the son of a Yorkshire watchmaker. He speaks English so villainously that he cannot utter a word without betraying his origin. I help him pretend, but I make him pay through the nose. I make them all pay.

• Colonel Hugh Pickering : Higgins, forgive the bluntness, but if I'm to be in this business, I shall feel responsible for the girl. I hope it's clearly understood that no advantage is to be taken of her position.

  Professor Henry Higgins : What, that thing?

  [chuckling] 

  Professor Henry Higgins : Sacred, I assure you.

• Professor Henry Higgins : How do you come to be so far east? You were born in Lisson Grove.

  Eliza Doolittle : Oh, what 'arm is there my leaving Lisson Grove? It weren't fit for a pig to live in and I had to pay four and six a week...

  Professor Henry Higgins : Oh, live where you like, but stop that noise.

• Professor Henry Higgins : Who's hurting you, you silly girl? What do you take me for?

  Eliza Doolittle : On my Bible oath, I never spoke a word.

  Professor Henry Higgins : Oh, shut up, shut up. Do I look like a policeman?

  Eliza Doolittle : Then what did you take down me words for? How I do know you took me down right? You just show me what you wrote about me.

  [Higgins shows her his notebook, which looks like an indecipherable code to her] 

  Eliza Doolittle : Oh. What's that? That ain't proper writing. I can't read it.

• Colonel Hugh Pickering : Higgins, if there's any mishap at the embassy tonight, if Miss Doolittle suffers any embarrassment, whatever, it'll be on your head alone.

  Professor Henry Higgins : Oh, Eliza can do anything.

  Colonel Hugh Pickering : Suppose she's discovered? Remember Ascot? Suppose she makes another ghastly mistake?

  Professor Henry Higgins : There'll be no horses at the ball, Pickering.

  Colonel Hugh Pickering : Think how agonizing it would be. Oh, if anything happened tonight, I don't know what I'd do.

  Professor Henry Higgins : Well, you could always re-join your regiment.

  Colonel Hugh Pickering : This is no time for flippancy, Higgins. The way you've driven the girl the last six weeks has exceeded all bounds of common decency. For God's sake, can you stop pacing up and down? Can't you settle somewhere?

  Professor Henry Higgins : Have some port. It'll quieten your nerves.

  Colonel Hugh Pickering : I'm not nervous. Where is it?

  Professor Henry Higgins : On the piano.

• Professor Henry Higgins : Take her away, Mrs. Pearce, and clean her. Sandpaper, if it won't come off any other way.

• Mrs. Pearce : What's to become of her when you've finished your teaching. You must look ahead a little, sir.

  Professor Henry Higgins : What's to become of her if we leave her in the gutter? Answer me that, Mrs. Pearce.

  Mrs. Pearce : That's her own business, not yours, Mr. Higgins.

  Professor Henry Higgins : When I'm done with her, we'll throw her back in the gutter and then it will be her own business again.

• Professor Henry Higgins : I'd be equally as willing for a dentist to be drilling than to ever let a woman in my life.

• Professor Henry Higgins : Well, be off with you to the sort of people you like. Marry some sentimental hog or other with lots of money, and a thick pair of lips to kiss you with, and a big pair of boots to kick you with. If you can't appreciate what you've got, you'd better get what you can appreciate.

• Colonel Hugh Pickering : Higgins!

  Professor Henry Higgins : Pickering!