- Lord Dicky Lendale: My sister Lettice likes to light small fires on the buildings. Specially when they are full of people. She tried it at Buckingham Palace once during the garden party. Luckily, it always rains on that day.
- Lord Dicky Lendale: You think that money corrupts, don't you? It specially corrupts those who don't have any. People like you.
- Lord Dicky Lendale: Life is sometime exquisite in its choice of punishments. And what better punishment for you, that your son should one day be a Duke.
- Armand Denis: A Duke! Never!
- Louise: Thank you. It's a good career for a boy.
- Inspector Mercier: Never tamper with a policeman's dignity, Lacoeur. He's as sensitive about his dignity as a crook is about his honor.
- Lord Dicky Lendale: I deliberately led you to temptation. But then, after all, I am a Duke. You know what that means. My family started stealing earlier than most others, that's all.
- Lord Dicky Lendale: Are you accusing me of lying?
- Inspector Mercier: A duke is incapable of lying, Your Grace. He has... lapses of memory.
- Louise: You can't write my story, Percy, precisely because it's too moral to be accepted by society.
- Sir Percy: I have no time for those who pretend to dislike appearances. Society couldn't exist without them.
- Louise: My people came to Paris when I was a baby. They were very poor. I worked from my earliest youth delivering laundry, much of it to a house.
- Sir Percy: Laundry is usually delivered to houses, if I'm not mistaken.
- Louise: This was not so much a house - as a *house*.
- Sir Percy: I don't follow you?
- Louise: A house full of girls or all shapes and sizes and of every nationality.
- Sir Percy: Oh, I see. A kind of finishing school.
- Louise: Oh, is that what they call them in England?
- Ambroise Gérôme: Mademoiselle, I should congratulate you on your beauty; but, I feel I must congratulate nature even more.
- Louise: Is this by you?
- Lord Dicky Lendale: No, that is a Rembrandt. Not a very good one; so, your mistake is understandable... Now, this - this is a Boucher!
- [shows a painting of bare bottomed woman laying on a bed]
- Lord Dicky Lendale: A minor master painting, but, a major master of the erotic. Just look at that glorious - I don't know, it has something!
- Louise: We had many such paintings in our - house in Paris.
- Lord Dicky Lendale: Now, these - these are very interesting. These are Egyptian scarabs of the third millennium. My late father stole them from various temples while he was liberating Egypt from the Turks. Their size makes them very easy to steal.
- Louise: Why do you say that?
- Lord Dicky Lendale: Because my father stole them.
- Louise: How can you afford it?
- Lord Dicky Lendale: Well, how can I put this, I have - independent means.
- Louise: And no wife? I thought you said...
- Lord Dicky Lendale: I had, alas, I had a wife. A magnificent figure of a woman. But, I couldn't take her home. Her Majesty wouldn't hear of a gypsy at the Court of St. James. Maybe she was right. England would have killed Dolores. All that soap and chlorinated water and no rhythm in the whole wretched country - except for the snoring in the clubs.
- Lord Dicky Lendale: I think you're exactly what you thought I was: a liar, a confidence trickster, a thief.
- Louise: [stands up] How dare you!
- [faints]
- Louise: Oh, my God.
- Lord Dicky Lendale: You're pregnant, are you? My dear, Countess, you simply must marry me.
- Armand Denis: I suppose she forgot to tell you that she's carrying my child?
- Lord Dicky Lendale: Not at all. It was I that suggested the child might need a father instead of an overgrown schoolboy.
- Lord Dicky Lendale: Louise, the world is not divided into the rich and the poor; it's divided into the helpers and the helped. You and I are both helpers.
- Lord Dicky Lendale: He may come back.
- Louise: Who?
- Lord Dicky Lendale: Oh, that good-looking, incompetent, muddle-headed, jackass. He may.
- Ambroise Gérôme: Mademoiselle, I fought a duel this morning.
- Louise: Indeed?
- Ambroise Gérôme: Because my wife's lover insulted my mistress, who happens to be his wife. You can see that I will stop at nothing to satisfy honor.
- Ambroise Gérôme: [sneezes] If Lacoueur should hurt your feelings after I have gone, do not hesitate to communicate with me at -at this address. In fact, do not hesitate to communicate with me even if Lacoeur *fails* to hurt your feelings.
- Inspector Mercier: If you really are the Minister, "Your Excellency," can you explain why your coat reeks of gunpowder?
- Louise: His Excellency fought a duel at dawn this morning.
- Policeman: The Prime Minister, five o'clock, in the woods.
- Inspector Mercier: The Prime Minis - Again?
- Policeman: Every week, at least once. It's a coalition government.
- Krajewski: [Armand aims a gun at him] You are agents of the Russian government. Do it quickly if you have charity. Long live Poland!
- Armand Denis: What hotel are you staying in?
- Krajewski: Hotel? No, no, no.
- Krajewski: [puts the gun's cannon in his own chest] Do it here. It is a quite respectable hotel where they hate noise.
- Louise: Duke, are you telling me the truth?
- Lord Dicky Lendale: Countess, would you recognize the truth if you heard it?
- Sir Percy: Great news. My publisher is ecstatic. He wants me to start on your biography without delay. "Lady L.: The Portrait of a Very Great Lady" is the title already chosen for the work.
- Brigitte, Red-Headed Prostitute: You see, ladies, we shall always be victimized until we've organized ourselves into a union!
- Lecoeur: That's enough. Go into your rooms!
- Brigitte, Red-Headed Prostitute: Long live socialized love!
- Ambroise Gérôme: The best wines are those which try our patience. It is a sin to drink them too soon; but, when they are ready...
- Lord Dicky Lendale: [jokingly to Louise not knowing that there is a bomb in the bag] What have you got in that bag? A bomb?
- Louise: Are you a professional painter?
- Lord Dicky Lendale: No, I'm a professional Duke. Which means that I'm an amateur at everything else. Lendale's the name, Dicky Lendale.
- Louise: Enchanted. I am the Countess of Camõens.
- Lord Dicky Lendale: Camõens! Ah, the great Portuguese poet!
- Louise: He was my husband.
- Lord Dicky Lendale: And you're still in mourning? What devotion. He died in 1580.
- Louise: How long haven't you seen your mother, Dicky?
- Lord Dicky Lendale: Oh, eighteen years?
- Louise: And you don't kiss her?
- British Nanny: Bath time, my Lord.
- Louise: [playing with her son] Another five minutes, Nanny.
- British Nanny: If we break the routine, Your Grace, it may have incalculable affects on his Lordship in later life. A rolling stone gathers no moss, remember, Your Grace. Come, sir.
- Louise: Don't you think you bathe him too often?
- British Nanny: There's nothing like cold water to harden the lad. After all, we don't want him a faint heart, do we?
- Louise: In France, we don't take a bath every day.
- British Nanny: That explains a great deal, if you don't mind my saying so.
- Louise: What do you mean?
- British Nanny: India, Africa, Canada! Come on, my Lord, mind over matter. Grin and bear it. Grin and bear it!
- Louise: Come, my dear, the car will be here presently to take us into London. I had tickets for a new play about the gunpowder plot. The critics have hailed as "explosive"!