Five the Hard Way (1969) User Reviews

"And They All Died Miserably Ever After!"

[lemon_magic · 2/10 · 28 May 2005]

This movie has a weird existentialist/nihilist/outlaw biker theme to it that could have made for a vigorously depressing romp like "Easy Rider", or "Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry", two GOOD nihilist/outlaw movies that this bad movie was trying to emulate.However, the director had no idea how to get the performances he needed out of his actors, or about pacing, timing, blocking, or story arcs..so the movie just sucks in a leaden, energy-sapping way.

The movie starts out with some white trash losers (I can call them that,since I'm 1/4 Shanty Irish myself) competing in a new 'underground' sport called "Side Hacking". Side Hacking is apparently the Special Olympics version of dirt track motorcycle racing because they slow down the motorcycles by welding sidecars onto them and requiring two men to work carefully in tandem in order to travel 1/2 as fast as an ordinary dirt track motorcycle race. It's like having a sailboat race that requires the boats to drag rowboats full of anchors behind them at all times. So the whole sport is pointless, and silly, and a complete waste of time. Not unlike this movie. Anyway...

Ross Hagen, Wooden Leading Man Extraordinare, plays "Rommel", an up-and-coming Side Hacker who gets involved with a megalomaniac named "JC" (played by character actor Micheal Pataki back before he made a name for himself) and JC's merry band of misfits (or else they're his cult). JC's girlfriend makes a pass at Rommel, Rommel turns her down, and the girlfriend tries to get petty, childish revenge by making JC think that Rommel raped her. Hilarity ensues, and everybody eventually ends up dead, and the movie just stops.

I think the director was trying to make a point about the emptiness of modern lives, the chaotic, confused nature of real violence between human beings, but he ended up filming a dull, blurry, grainy, badly paced mess, which is what happens when your vision outstrips your talent and you don't have real actors to carry off your 'stellar' lines.

Joel and the Bots covered this one (under the title "Side Hackers"),and there is a hilarious theme song in one of the bumpers that makes the whole thing worth watching once.

"It's a sport that attracts a lot of racing fools

It's easy to learn, cause there are no rules

All you need is a toxic landfill,

A cycle and a side-car and an urge to kill!

Better check it out, 'cause it won't last long,

The founders of the sport are laid in Forest Lawn,

Yeah...!"

Sidehacking: the gritty truth!

[bat-5 · 1/10 · 27 June 2000]

The Sidehackers, what can be said about this movie? After viewing it, not much. I would like to know whose bright idea it was to make a movie about motorcycle racing, and then ditch that idea altogether. Things start out bad, and it all goes down hill. Rommel (that magnificent SOB) enjoys the sport of sidehacking. Along comes J.C. who asks Rommel to ride with him on the circuit. Rommel declines and J.C. goes nuts. Starts talking about how he loved him, and how he treated Rommel like a brother. J.C.'s girlfriend comes on to Rommel, and after he turns her down, she calls him an SOB. Rommel's girlfriend is killed by J.C. and Rommel enlists the aid of a strong man, a bad joke telling hick, and Nero former emperor of Rome to find J.C. Well, they find him, Rommel and J.C. tussle and finally someone dies. The end. Now, why couldn't this have happened about fifty minutes earlier?

Completely terrible

[Jared G. · 1/10 · 5 September 1999]

Is there any purpose to this wretched film? The long drown-out sidehacking scenes? When Rommel visits the artist? When Rommel hits Big Jake?

If Ross Hagen was attempting some profound message, he's completely lost me. Bad acting, bad ending. But beyond bad is the acting we get from three guys: Big Jake, Crap out, and Cooch/Gooch. I don't know where Ross Hagen found these guys and I don't WANT to know.

Is there any significance to J.C.'s name (Jesus Christ)? Perhaps I'm giving Mr. Hagen a bit too much credit. Extra demerits for an overly brutal rape scene.

"Number 9!"

A movie with no redeeming qualities

[Mike Sh. · 21 March 2000]

Some movies are badly made but somehow charming in their incompetence. Some movies are disturbing but thought-provoking. Some movies just plain stink, but are good for a laugh if you're sitting around with your buddies altering your brain chemistry with substances of varying degrees of legality.

Then there's "Sidehackers", starring Ross Hagen, the Budget Steve McQueen, who wears a ridiculous little hat, and races a motorcycle with a funny side car (the "sidehacking" of the title). Budget Steve also likes to frolic in the tall grass and grunt and gurgle and murmur with his adoring fiancee, the lovely Rita. But when B.S. gets on the wrong side of J.C. (Michael Pataki, who usually plays Cold-War-era Soviet bad guys of various types), he gets the beating of his life. As for Rita, ... well, I just would rather not talk about that. Anyway, Budget Steve vows revenge, and....

Oh, what's the point! This movie is so devoid of any meaning, it doesn't really even matter what happens next. Suffice to say that I've seen sick films, violent films, and gruesome films, but I've never seen anything as pointlessly nihilistic as this one. Sartre would be bummed out watching this movie!

Incredibly, Joel & the 'bots managed to make a side-splittingly funny MST300 episode out of this one. Guess it just goes to show you - existential nausea makes for great comedy!

No movie ever became a cult classic by being boring

[Ace_of_Sevens · 1/10 · 30 September 2003]

I've seen almost all the bad movie classics. Most of the classics of bad cinema are bad because of low production values, bad acting and silly plots. No such luck here. The production values are adequate for the subject matter and the plot is fairly standard. Unfortunately, these are the things that make the classics entertaining.

What we're left with is a meandering script with a very standard plot, bad acting, and worst of all, incompetent direction. The movie is filled with long sequences, such as the sidehacking race from which it gets one of its titles, that add nothing to the plot or characters that couldn't have been accomplished in one tenth the time.

If that weren't enough, what little plot is stuck between these sequences is either difficult to follow or just doesn't make sense. For instance, at one point a character is killed and it took me a while to figure it out. Not that it was supposed to be a secret, the point just wasn't conveyed the way it was apparently intended. And throughout the whole movie, up to and including the end, I couldn't understand why the characters were doing the things they were doing. In the few places I did understand, I didn't get why they were going about it the way they were.

In short, this movie is incredibly bad, and not in any fun way. It's quite probably the worst movie I've ever seen. I would not recommend this to anyone for a straight viewing. The only way anyone will get any fun out of it is by ripping into it with friends or letting the professionals do it for them via the excellent MST3K treatment, which is available on DVD.

Exquisitely Horrible

[ddgartner · 1/10 · 20 November 2015]

It has been more than 45 years since I was first ambushed by Sidehackers at our local drive-in theater while also attempting better living through chemistry (reference a Jimi Hendrix tune for specifics). Still, after all these years, I cannot pass up the chance to write a review of the worst movie ever made. I am now not a young man, mind you. I've seen hundreds, perhaps a thousand movies. None comes close to Sidehackers (as it was titled when I saw it). Senseless, disgusting violence. You got it. Misogyny, check. Zero redeeming social value. Absolutely. If you must watch this gawdawful monstrosity, I recommend only the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version. And even Tom Servo and Crow can't make this worth your time. You'll feel better eating pistachio shells or pulling out hang nails. Trust me.

styx water needed to forget this movie

[sketchyninja · 1/10 · 10 November 2004]

This is on my 10 all-time bad movie list.

Definitely in the Manos: hand of fate pile of hard to watch movies. The sidehacking racing scenes are as boring as the driving scenes in Manos. This movie is terrible and should not be watched unless under the influence of heavy painkillers. Lighthearted scenes of playing in the grass, followed by sleeping pill racing with a sick story of revenge and loss. Very bad combo that does not work. The psycho (JC) does make you hate him though because he is so vile. Avoid unless you have a memory like 50 first dates or Clean Slate.

Sidehackers!

[BandSAboutMovies · 2/10 · 7 March 2020]

What the hell is a sidehacker?

It's racing motorcycles with sidehacks, which is a sidecar with a rail but no sidewalls or seat. As the bikes race, the passenger rides and tilts around curves. Sidehacking is also known as sidecarcross or sidecar motocross racing. The fact that it has a movie made about it doesn't astound me. After all, I've watched movies about arm wrestling (Over the Top, Hands of Steel) and even games that don't really exist like BASKetball and The Game from The Blood of Heroes.

Surely I can make it through a movie about side hacking, I thought. But man - what a ride. I nearly wiped out.

Ross Hagen, who was in Supercock, The Devil's Eight and Alienator (amongst many others), plays Rommel, who is a bike mechanic who dreams of sidehacking stardom. That's a thing, I guess.

He runs into JC (Michael Pataki!), another sidehacker who is abusive to everyone in his gang, including his girl Paisely, who promptly tries to seduce our hero. Or protagonist. Or guy we're supposed to get behind. He turns her down, JC beats her up and blames Rommel and then the gang all descends on our man and his lady Rita (Diane McBain, Wicked Wicked).

Robert Tessler, a stuntman who formed Stunts Unlimited with Hal Needham, is in this, as is the writer of the film Tony Huston (he also would write The Hellcats) and Hoke Howell (Humanoids from the Deep).

This was directed by former Broadway dancer - and husband of Goldie Hawn - Gus Trikonis, who also brought The Evil, Moonshine County Express, Nashville Girl, Take This Job and Shove It and Supercock to the big screen.

It ends as all biker movies must, with the hero killed for no good reason. Ah 1969, when the kids had given up on life.

One of the worst.

[ofpsmith · 1/10 · 19 July 2017]

It should be said that I watch a lot of Mystery Science Theater 3000. I think almost every film buff does. If you don't know, the movies are typically cheesy, low budget b-movies from the 1950s-1970s. They're not good movies (though a few make the exception), they're just laughably bad. This is what I thought would be the case with Sidehackers otherwise known as Five the Hard Way. I didn't expect it to be that good. But what I saw was probably one of the worst movies I've ever seen. I'm not even kidding. It was horrible. Not even the riffs could save it, and I've never seen a movie like that before. Even with something wretched like Manos: The Hands of Fate, Joel and the bots could still make it funny. With this, that almost doesn't happen. I'm not even saying that the riffs are bad. The biggest problem is that the movie takes itself way to seriously. Coleman Francis movies also took themselves too seriously, but whereas those movies would annoy you with their pretentiousness at the 10 minute mark, this film does it immediately. I don't know how to describe it. It tries to shove senseless violence into the plot without anything that even makes a good movie. So the best way to describe this movie is that it feels uncomfortable. Unsurprisingly the violence doesn't make it enjoyable because it's not done well and there's nothing of any substance to even it out. And I watched a censored television version so it was probably worse than that. Overall the movie is just depressing throughout. I really don't recommend it on any format but if you do watch it make it the MST3K.

Sidehackers..aren't those the guys that spit out of the side of their mouths?

[Oosterhartbabe · 1/10 · 30 January 2005]

100% pure garbage. This film purports to be about guys who practice the 'sport' of Sidehacking, which involves welding the back deck of a commuter train to a motorcycle and putting wheels on it, so that a guy can either hang off of it like a monkey during the race, or lean FAR too suggestively into the guy riding the bike part. According to one of the characters, this helps to stabilize the bike in turns. It also makes the race a lot slower, because the go kart and its passenger add a good deal of weight to the bike. And this sport never caught on for some reason, huh?

Anyway, the main character here is a guy named Rommel(the Desert Fox?) and his girlfriend Rita, who like to roll in pastures(over cow flops and such) and lay on blankets that appear out of thin air. She gives him a LOCK to wear on a chain around his neck as a symbol of their love! Why didn't she just buy him a decorative ball and chain while she was at it?

Rommel and his partner(Gerring, Goebels, Hesse?)meet up with a whack job named JC, who likes to slap his girlfriend around in between doing stunt shows at carnivals. This guy is nuttier than a Stuckey's log, but for some reason has a large crowd of men following him around like he's the next Messiah. Was this a biopic of Charlie Manson, perhaps?

JC wants Rommel to use his side hacking 'skills' in his carnival act, but Rommel, showing the only brains exhibited in the film by ANYBODY, refuses. JC's white trash girlfriend tries to seduce Rommel, hoping to go at least a step up in boy friends(only one step, mind you). Rommel throws her out, thus proving that he has at least two brains cells to rub together. In retaliation for her humiliation, the transvestite girlfriend tells JC that Rommel raped her.

JC, with his characteristic good sense and good manners, kidnaps Rommel and Rita, brutally kills the girl, and leaves Rommel tied up on a bed in a cabin. We're left to guess what he did to Rommel, but the bondage scenario is pretty clear. Rommel escapes somehow(he got out of the ropes off screen, making you wonder if he had laser eyesight to burn through the ropes like Superman) and staggers home. This takes him at least a month, or at least that's what it feels like. After that, he spends days wandering moodily through an oil field, perhaps hoping to strike Black Gold or something. Then he decides to find JC and kill him, which kills all the points you gave him earlier for having some brainpower.

The crew Rommel recruits are the dumbest bunch of guys ever. One of them joins because Rommel punched him! He then punched Rommel back, and so that bit of male bonding sealed their fates. This loser insists on telling one of the lamest jokes ever, laughing hysterically all the while like he's the funniest guy in the world. Funny, I wasn't upset at all when one of JC's thugs shot him in the face during the climactic fight scene. Of course, it looked more like the guy hit him with a pellet full of tomato ketchup that burst and splattered on his face, but who am I to quibble?

Looney Tunes JC had already offed his own girlfriend by strangling her, then crooning to her and telling her to wake up. Not that she was a loss to the world, mind you, but this guy is definitely ten bundles short of a load. Then he sets up an ambush for Rommel and company, which they walk into even though they know that it's an ambush. There goes the last of my respect for Rommel's brain power, which wasn't very high anyway. AND he tells his guys they can't use guns, even though JC's crew are all toting firearms! If this is how the guy fought the English, no wonder he eventually lost the African campaign.

JC and Rommel duke it out after JC shoots Rommel once. The fight is confusing and rather stupid, and the ending is anti-climactic and dumb. JC kills Rommel, shooting him in the chest, just as the police pull up. We see flashbacks to his roll in the hay with Rita, and that's it. Lame with a capital L.

five the hard-to-watch movie

[lee_eisenberg · 1/10 · 19 May 2005]

"Five the Hard Way" (aka "The Sidehackers") doesn't know whether it wants to be a sports movie or a revenge story. Sidehacking is apparently a sport in which a motorcycle is affixed with a side-cart so that a person can hang off and help the rider steer. In the movie, a group of hoodlums tries to get in on the action, but the main sidehacker (Ross Hagen) tells them off. When the girlfriend of the lead hoodlum comes on to him, he tells her off, prompting the hoodlums to murder his girlfriend Rita (Diane McBain). From then on, the movie is all about revenge. About the only redeeming aspect of the whole movie is that Rita is quite hot. The "MST3K" version of this movie makes it watchable.

Sidehackin is the thing to do

[funkyfry · 10/10 · 11 December 1998]

Oh yeah! Let's hear it for this bomb! Cooch! Did I not love him? MY OWN FLESH I DIDN'T LOVE BETTER!!!! But he had to say "Noooooooo".

Misteeophiles will surely know this one as one of the best films that joel and the bots did. It probably never would have been seen by any human being again after its release if not for their recycling cinematic madness. Thankee-sai!

BTW, I have a friend who's spent a lot of time in the Orient. He claims that sidehacking is alive and well in the Phillipine Islands. Long live the sport that never lived!

A woman scorned... many viewers bored...?

[punishmentpark · 6/10 · 20 December 2013]

Once upon a time (a few years ago) I saw this movie and liked it quite a bit, I even gave it a positive rating (first 7, later 6 out of 10). This early morning I wanted to try it again, since the reviews here on IMDb are pretty much all mercilessly negative...

Ross Hagen's white hat is something I had deliberately overlooked in an earlier review elsewhere, but that just isn't fair; it simply destroys any decent attempt to make Rommel a credible character. Otherwise there's plenty of campy cult revenge fun in here, with some nasty, but well done flashbacks instead of straightforward storytelling. The scenes with the motor racing with the side-hackers are fun bonus stuff (though the second one went on a little too long), and the 'happy couple in love carelessly wandering though the fields in the sun' scenes were very corny, yet strangely satisfactory. Bad guy JC (yes, with all that's implied here, he must have been the suggested second coming) delivers some top notch psychopath behavior and throughout the film there are various colorful characters to entertain the audience. The finale is crappy, but still fun - how does one explain such a thing...? Let's not; just try it yourself, if you dare.

Not really a good film, no, but at times it comes close. And as a campy cult flick, it will just about do. I'm just not getting over that hat, though...

A very, very small 6 out of 10, then.

The film introduces us to a new sport before plunging us into a revenge piece

[Aaron1375 · 3/10 · 7 February 2004]

I saw this film on the cult riffing show Mystery Science Theater 3000 under the title of "The Sidehackers" which was not a very good title as the movie does start out as kind of an advertisement for this awesome new sport, but less than halfway in it changes over to a film about a guy trying to get revenge. Though, other than when it is on Mystery Science Theater it is probably more well known under the "Five the Hard Way" title. Not all that great of a film, but it is not as terrible as some of the films that were featured on the show.

The story starts off being kind of cheesy as it introduces us to the exciting new sport of Sidehacking, which has become so popular that most people have never heard of it unless they are fans of MST3K. Basically, you have a motorcycle with a sort of passenger cart, but instead of said passenger sitting he stands and leans into curves and such. Funny, as I do not really see how it is any more helpful than just simply just racing motorcycles as most motorcycles take turns better without the side hack. In fact, it looks like it slows down the race immensely rather than do anything exciting. About the only positive to say about the sport is that you may get to watch a person have his butt grounded up! Well, a man named Rommel is awesome at this rather bland sport and he runs a motorcycle repair shop where a man named JC comes in one day and takes an interest in the new sport and Rommel. Unfortunately for Rommel, JC's girlfriend also takes an interest in Rommel which is the cause of all the problems. Rommel and JC get along pretty good, but Rommel refuses to go on the road with JC and then to make matters worse, Rommel refuses to take the girlfriend away in a manner that ticks her off. He could have rejected her so much better by telling her she was great and all, but he had a fiancé. So the rejected girlfriend tells JC that Rommel put the moves on her and he beats down Rommel and kills Rommel's fiancé and thus Rommel tries to round up a bunch of guys to go after JC!

It made for a rather funny episode of MST3K; however, it was also kind of depressing. As bad as the movie was for the most part, you still felt bad for Rommel and wanted to see him get his revenge. At least I did. The jokes about the side hacking portion of the movie are funny and I love it when they were making fun of JC's henchman Cooch. I would almost like to see an uncut edition of the film as they had to have left out a couple of scenes as they show Rommel recruiting several men to take his revenge, but they also show a painter that did not join, but then had some kind of redneck type who did.

So a film that begins as an advertisement for a new sport that turns into a movie about getting revenge. Neither portion is particularly good; however, I would say the revenge portion is a bit better done as the parts with the motorcycles going around the track is about as exciting as seeing it in real life, which is to say, not very. At least the second portion had a groovy villain in JC and awesome henchmen that go, "I will do it". It also ends with a rather well done gunshot wound that looks rather good for the time, but it also makes this film rather depressing as the credits roll.

**Contains Spoilers**

[intelligiser · 5 June 2004]

Since so many others have pointed out the bad points of this movie (and lets face it, there are loads), i'll try to pick out some of the better points.

The bad guy is *bad*. Too many films show you someone, and just tell you he's a bad guy without actually showing him doing anything worse than shouting at someone. In this movie, though, the bad guy (J.C) beats women, hits people needlessly, is quite obviously insane, shouts at people and shoots his own men for no real reason. Plus he kills two women, one for no reason other than she's the girlfriend of someone who annoyed him, and the other one because she stood up to him (it was his girlfriend).

In my opinion, Michael Pataki does a good job acting his part. Sure, he's the only real talent in the film, but he's there. He does give quite a strong performance as a completely mad, kill-happy nutcase.

Well.... that's it for the good points, really. The plot is bad, bad, bad. And it doesn't even make sense. For one, Rommel (main good guy) does not let his team use weapons against the guys he knows to be armed and insane enough to use them. What J.C actually does is never made quite clear, either. He seems to be a stunt-guy of some sort, who tours around. But his people follow him like brainwashed zombies, so he could be some sort of motorcycling priest for all we know.

The "Sidehacking" scenes go on for way too long. There is a mainstream sport that is basically "Sidehacking" but with race bikes on tarmac. These are dirt bikes, and it's very, very boring to watch. And there's plenty of it.

All in all, a pretty bad film, but still an interesting watch, especially with friends (so you can laugh).

Redneck life should not be filmed

[InzyWimzy · 1/10 · 3 November 2000]

This movie shocked me. It shocked me over the time I wasted watching it, the very realistic trash performances, and of course...sidehacking. I have never heard of this sport. Plus, the beating of women, rape scene, and all out violence makes this a wonder to comprehend. Rommel is a grease monkey sidehacker and JC is the beatnik, alcohol swigging hepcat who puts on the trailer park performance in cinematic history. I think my favorite character was Jake. "He hit big Jake!!" Regardless of the dark ending, I'm glad I formed no rapport with anyone in this flop.

Not as Bad as the Overall Rating Suggests

[Uriah43 · 4/10 · 17 October 2016]

"Vince Rommel" (Ross Hagen) is a motorcycle mechanic who enjoys racing and is soon to be married to his fiancé "Rita" (Diane McBain). Then one morning a man named "J.C." (Michael Pataki) comes to his shop and asks if he can repair his motorcycle within a certain time-frame. After Rommel's business partner, "Luke" (Dick Merrifield) examines it he replies that they can fix it within a week or so which leaves J.C. quite impressed. At the same time J.C.'s girlfriend "Paisley" (Claire Polan) becomes attracted to Rommel and quickly becomes more and more infatuated with him as time passes. Rommel, on the other hand, is deeply committed to Rita and this creates a huge problem when Paisley comes on to him and is rejected. Now rather than reveal any more I will just say that I am somewhat puzzled as to the extremely low rating this picture has received on IMDb. While it certainly isn't a great movie by any means I have personally seen many other films in this particular sub-genre which were much worse. That aside, although I didn't especially care for the rather extended opening scene, I thought that the plot was interesting enough and all of the previously mentioned actors performed in an adequate manner. Likewise, while I also didn't quite care for the ending, at least it had some surprise value which I believe should also merit some recognition. In any case, although this movie definitely isn't Academy Award winning material, I still don't consider this movie to be as bad as some have stated and because of that I have rated it accordingly. Slightly below average.

Perris Pride

[mschmidt-7 · 2/10 · 22 February 2006]

This is a horrible movie that can only be watched with the MST3K shadows going along with it. This movie would have received a 1 out of 10 but it was actually filmed in Perris, California, where I teach high school English. To my knowledge, it is the only movie ever filmed here. With horrific acting, a stupid plot, and an unnecessary rape scene, this film absolutely reeks. If you were to play a drinking game in which you took a shot for ever strained line of dialogue you would be hammered in 5 minutes... and dead in 10. The director clearly needed to pad the film as there are several unneeded scenes and the races take far too long to move the story forward.

Not as terrible as you are led to believe.

[planktonrules · 3/10 · 2 May 2021]

Why would an obscure biker film like "Five the Hard Way" (also known as "The Side Hackers") make it to the old Bottom 100 list* on IMDB? Well, a ton of movies made it there mostly because they were featured on "MSTK3000"....and truly deserving films like "Plan 9 From Outer Space" and "The Room" never made the list. Now I am not saying these are good films, but the show often took poor films and made you think they were terrible films...and I assume that's the case with this film. Who knows? Perhaps it is Bottom 100 worthy....and I had to find out for myself if it was really that incompetent.

The film is like two films put together. One is pretty neat....and that is the racing they do with a 'hack'...a sidecar like rig on a motorcycle. Watching these races was actually pretty exciting and I enjoyed this. The other is not so neat...in fact, it's boring. And this would be every time there is plot. The dialog and acting are very poor and the film is big on showing women being slapped around and molested...a big reason NOT to watch. But NONE of it is bad enough to make it even approach a Bottom 100 or possibly even Bottom 1000 list. No, this is ONLY due to its being featured on "MSTK3000"...which gives many the mistaken idea that just because a film made fun of means it's one of the worst films made. No...it means that it was a film they could get rights to show...and thousands of godawful films never got the "MSTK3000" treatment due to rights issues. I'd give this film a 3...which is bad but certainly NOT horrible. It isn't so much bad as very boring and limp. Plus, considering how cheaply it was made, it's actually still better than you'd expect.

*Some time ago, IMDB revamped the criteria for the list. Instead of just a few hundred votes, now a film needs a minimum of 10,000 votes...meaning obscure films were no longer on the list. As a result, most, if not all, of the "MSTK3000" entries were no longer eligible.

Bad Max.

[icehole4 · 1/10 · 7 September 2001]

After seeing this film, I have to wonder what people saw in sidehacking. Many people watch racing to see someone crash, but that doesn't happen in this movie. The sidehacking footage is just so repetitious that you have to wonder if it was the same scene shot from different camera angles. Ross Hagen, trying to be the anti-hero (even before the term was coined, mind you) fails miserably at it. The ending was appalling. Avoid this one unless you're watching MST3K.

Pointless ending

[wierzbowskie · 2/10 · 20 August 2000]

SPOILER ALERT The movie itself was rather dull and repetitive, but I could've lived with it. The characters were naive and stupid, but that was okay. But I have to draw the line at the ending. The good guy has a chance to royally KILL the J.C., but instead he walks away, allowing himself to be shot. I'm assuming he died, because as he lay in the mud with his eyes closed, he had flashbacks of him rolling around in a field with his dead girlfriend. Then it ends. The movie has effected me. I will never drink Moxie again.

Watch only if you have no love for the human race.

[Igor-18 · 1/10 · 16 January 1999]

Only, repeat, only watch this movie if you are a masochist. This is not a "so bad it's good" kind of movie. This is a "so bad it will make you feel dirty and ashamed" kind of movie. Thank you, Ross Hagen, for having the courage to put your sadistic fantasies of rape and torture on the silver screen.

Ross Hagen works his magic once again

[Woodyanders · 10/10 · 18 June 2012]

Easygoing motorcycle racer Vince Rommel (legendary B-movie tough guy Ross Hagen in sterling rugged form) vows to exact revenge on hostile and unstable psycho biker J.C. (expertly essayed to the hateful slimy hilt by veteran bad guy thespian Michael Pataki) after J.C. and his odious minions savagely rape and murder Rommel's girlfriend Rita (a sweet and appealing portrayal by pretty'n'perky blonde Diane McBain). Director Gus Trikonis, working from a brilliant and incisive script by Tony Huston, masterfully crafts a profound, bracing, and penetrating meditation on man's deep-seated need to race cool motorbikes, romance hot chicks, and get vengeance on anyone who dares wrong them. The side hacker race set pieces crackle with tremendous heart-pounding tension and excitement. While Hagen clearly dominates the screen with his bravura acting, he nonetheless receives exceptional support from Dick Merrifield as Rommel's amiable mechanic buddy Luke, Claire Polan as lovely and enticing motorcycle mama Paisley, Michael Graham as the duplicitous Cooch, Hoke Howell as rowdy redneck Crapout, and Robert Tessier as brawny brute Jake. The startling moments of raw'n'ugly violence pack a ferocious kick to the gut. The major climactic confrontation between J.C. and Rommel rates highly as one of the single most thrilling and suspenseful things to ever explode onto celluloid. The surprise bummer ending is simply devastating. Jon Hall's gorgeous cinematography makes amazing use of funky freeze frames. The groovy rocking score by Mike Curb and Jerry Styner likewise smokes in no uncertain terms (the swinging theme song in particular is a beaut). A true work of awe-inspiring cinematic art.

"Got a cigarette?" "Got a dopey hat?"

[ngobleus · 3/10 · 7 December 2008]

Wow...I saw this in its MST3K form, so I missed out on the rape/murder scene. The film is terrible, even with that part cut out.

Let's see...it's about love....no, it's about feeling good...what is it about? I don't know myself. But the plot is that Rommel (the Desert Fox) is an upcoming participant of an upcoming sport called sidehacking (racing with a hastily-built and -welded sidecar).

One day in his feel-good life (a great job, a loving fiancée, who could ask for anything more?), a beatnik jerkoff named J.C. (stands for Jerked Chicken?) comes into town and after seeing Rommel race, decides he wants the magnificent bastard in his stunt group. Rommel doesn't wanna, and then sees J.C.'s other side--one of instability and womanizing. J.C.'s slutty, Nancy Sinatra-like girlfriend Paisley tries to get Rommy to take her away from the psycho, but he smartly says no. She gets upset and tries to make it look like he raped her. So, J.C. goes nuts again and kills and rapes Rommel's fiancée and beats him up.

After a long, boring recollection of the dead fiancée, Rommel decides to go get revenge. Unable to get the help of his co-worker, he hires the following (apparently the best he could do)--Nero, some former J.C. gang member who trusts nobody, Gooch (or is it Cooch?), another former J.C. compadre who is really a spy, Big Jake (a big lug who agrees to working after receiving a weak punch to his impenetrable abs), and Crapout--a stereotypical hick who makes terrible jokes ("Nuuuuumber 8!") and comes up with stupid ideas--like a large battering ram.

Anyway, Gooch arranges a meet between J.C.'s and Rommel's gang and after a brief interrogation of the spy, Rommel uses his great thinking and decides to go in anyway--with no guns! So, the battle ensues. Big Jake manages some henchmanlike kills then gets hit with a tomato gun. Cooch fails to bring Rommel in on his knees and J.C. kills him. Then Nero and Crapout ride around on a sidehack vehicle and (despite Rommel's orders) Crapout pulls out a revolver and manages to shoot all of J.C.'s goons.

Then, it's just between J.C. and Rommel...the fight rages on boringly and at the end, J.C. kills Rommel as the police arrive.

Wow...exciting? No? I didn't think so either...definitely MST3K-worthy.

Update--I have seen another edition of this film. The rape scene (more like flashbacks) is a bit brutal. Some of the other stuff removed from the MST3K episode was probably cut for time (like how Crapout gets involved in this--apparently he's an old friend of Rommel's and sometime jailbird). Another thing to note is MST3K's censors worked wonders in removing the 'n' word from one scene where J.C. blows up on Nero.

does anyone out there have any soap??

[gch-5 · 2 October 2004]

Here comes your spoiler warning right in the first line: I won't reveal any important plot points, because this dreck of a movie has a pointless plot! This movie will make you feel dirty for watching it. Not the good kind of "Debbie does Dallas" dirty, but the "gee-I-wanna-take-a-shower-that-was-the-most-disgusting-thing-I've-ever-seen" dirty.

Here's your plot. Russ Hagen has goofy taste in hats, and J.C. is a baaaad,baad man. Oh, and if you weld the monkey bars from school onto the side of a motorcycle, your life will come to rape, murder and pain.

What I could'nt help but think the whole time this filth violated my screen was; did Coleman Francis have a fourth "missing" movie? Because here it is!! All the elements are there. Bad acting, Godawful plot, pointless,depressing story. All we need is coffee (I like coffee), Tony Cardoza and small aircraft. For all of you who pick on "Red Zone Cuba" and the others, here's an example of just how bad Coleman could have made a picture if he had only had the money.

If you still feel you must wade through this sewage, by all means do it the MST way. You'll miss a couple of graphic, wretched scenes, that would be important to a movie with a plot, but in this case it won't matter much. Then, just run yourself a nice, long hot bath and try to get "Sidehackers" off of you...