The Shakiest Gun in the West (1968)

Don Knotts: Jesse W. Heywood

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jesse Heywood : I'm in teeth. And I came out here all the way from Philadelphia, single-handed, to fight oral ignorance.

• Jesse Heywood : [very drunk and slurring]  I got on a romance track. Then I got on a gunslinger's track. I gotta get back on that dentist's track!

  [looks at the saloon girl, who is passed out with her head on the table] 

  Jesse Heywood : Go ahead and laugh! Laugh all you like! I'm not a failure. I'm a dentist, a REAL dentist! And I'll tell you what I'm gonna do, I'm gonna spread dental health through the West like a plague!

  [throws his arm out and falls down drunk] 

• Jesse Heywood : I can't believe it. Tonight's our wedding night. In a few hours we'll stop, make camp, have a little supper, then... beddy-bye.

• Rev. Zachary Gant : Reverend Zachary Grant and my minion Matthew Basch.

  Jesse Heywood : Lovely couple.

• Jesse Heywood : [drunk]  Failure, failure, failure, failure, failure, failure, failure. That's the story of my life, you know. Two things have always been my downfall - I have always been the most failure of anybody, and I'm too thin.

  Saloon Girl : [drunk]  But I don't think you're too thin.

  Jesse Heywood : Ah, it's all bloat. Bloated thin failure! That's me.

  [waggles both of his thumbs at himself] 

  Saloon Girl : I think you're wonderful. I just love a man that can't make his mark in life.

  Jesse Heywood : Uhuh Penny, uhuh Penny, she's really something, you know that?

  [looks at saloon girl questioningly] 

  Saloon Girl : [nods affirmatively]  Uhuh.

  Jesse Heywood : You know she used me. She tricked me.

  [tearfully] 

  Jesse Heywood : She made me think that she loved me.

  Saloon Girl : [shakes her head sympathetically]  Ohhh...

  Jesse Heywood : I should have known better.

  [tearfully] 

  Jesse Heywood : Nobody ever loved me. Did you know I had to take my own cousin to the graduation dance?

  Saloon Girl : [shakes her head sympathetically and tearfully]  Ohhhhhhhhhh...

  Jesse Heywood : I threw up on her dress.

  Saloon Girl : [slurring]  You are really my kind of guy.

• Penelope 'Bad Penny' Cushings : You know something? You're a lot spunkier than I thought you were.

  Jesse Heywood : I get that from my mother.

• [drunk] 

  Jesse Heywood : [to the barkeep]  Brush your dentist twice a day, visit your toothbrush once a year.

• Jesse Heywood : [Jesse, stretched out on the bed in his nightshirt, is waiting breathlessly for gorgeous Penny, who is changing clothes behind a folding screen, and who has already suggested to Jesse that he "go to bed." Penny emerges from behind the screen in her cute cowgirl outfit, and begins to buckle on her gunbelt, ready to depart on government business]  You can't sleep like THAT - those spurs'll KILL me!

• Jesse Heywood : I shot two at the can, two at the sign, one at the skillet, and one in the pants.

• Jesse Heywood : [Jesse, stretched out on the bed in his nightshirt, is waiting breathlessly for gorgeous Penny, who is changing clothes behind a folding screen, and who has already suggested to Jesse that he "go to bed." Penny emerges from behind the screen in her cute cowgirl outfit, and begins to buckle on her gunbelt, ready to depart on government business]  You can't sleep like THAT-- those spurs'll KILL me!

• [Jesse complains to the priest in the midst of a fast-paced marriage with Penelope] 

  Jesse Heywood : Now that's not Episcopalian!

• Jesse Heywood : I show two at the can, two at the sign, one at the skillet, and one in the pants.