Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974)

John Cleese: Announcer, Various, The Announcer, Voice Over #1, Interviewer, Voiceover #1, Chartered Accountant, Doctor, General, Mr. Eric Praline, Officer, Peter, Sergeant, Stockbroker, Viking, Voice Over, 'Ethel the Frog' Presenter, 'How Not to Be Seen' Narrator, 'Life and Death Struggles' Narrator, 'Mosquito Hunters' Narrator, 'Penguins' Presenter, A Scottsman on a Horse, A Scottsman on a horse, A man in the street, A.J.P. Taylor, Advertising Boss, Alan, Alan Whicker #5, Albatross Seller, American Commentator, American Voice, Anne Elk, Armless Padre, Arthur Briggs' Bedmate, Arthur Figgis, Attila the Hun, Auctioneer, BBC Man, Beryl, Board Member, Brian Equator, Brian Trubshawe, Brigadier, Brigadier Arthur Gormanstrop (Mrs.), Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong (Mrs.), Bruce Beer, Bus Hijacker, Captain, Captain R. H. Pretty, City Gent, Colonel Type, Counsel, Cricketer, Customer, David, Defence, Dennis Moore, Derek Hart, Doris, Douglas, Dr. E. Henry Thripshaw, Dr. Larch, Driver, East Midlands Poet Board Sales Manager, Eric Praline, Fifth Doctor, Fifth Groupie, Fifth Sailor, First 'Probe-Around' Host, First Businessman, First City Idiot, First Doctor, First Explorer, First Frenchman, First Interviewer, First Officer, First Producer, First Radio Voice, First Sergeant, First Superman, Flight Lieutenant Ken Frankenstein (Mrs.), Fourth Bruce, Fourth City Gent, Fourth Knight, Fourth Man, Fourth Old Idiot, Fourth Writer, Frankenstein's Monster, Game Show Presenter, Gavin Millarrrrrrrrrr, General #2, Gladys, Gloria, Gumby, Gumby #2, Gumby Specialist, Gumby Standing on Water, Head of Drama, Highlander, Hungarian Citizen...

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Announcer : And now for something completely different.

• 'Thrust' Presenter : Good evening. I have with me tonight Anne Elk. Mrs. Anne Elk.

  Miss Anne Elk : Miss.

  'Thrust' Presenter : You say you have a new theory about the brontosaurus

  Miss Anne Elk : Can I just say here Chris for one moment that I have a new theory about the brontosaurus.

  'Thrust' Presenter : Exactly.

  [long pause] 

  'Thrust' Presenter : Well, what is it?

  Miss Anne Elk : [looks around, concerned]  Where?

  'Thrust' Presenter : No, no, your new theory.

  Miss Anne Elk : Oh, what is my theory?

  'Thrust' Presenter : Yes.

  Miss Anne Elk : Oh, what is my theory that it is. Well, Chris, you may well ask me what is my theory.

  'Thrust' Presenter : I am asking.

  Miss Anne Elk : Good for you. My word yes. Well, Chris, what it is that it is - this theory of mine. Well, this is what it is - my theory that I have, that is to say, which is mine, is mine.

  'Thrust' Presenter : Yes, I know it's yours, what is it?

  Miss Anne Elk : [looks round again]  Where? Oh, what is my theory? This is it.

  [clears her throat at length] 

  Miss Anne Elk : My theory that belongs to me is as follows.

  [clears her throat very noisily and violently] 

  Miss Anne Elk : This is how it goes. The next thing I'm going to say is my theory. Ready?

  'Thrust' Presenter : [exasperated]  Yes.

  Miss Anne Elk : My theory by A. Elk, brackets, Miss, brackets. This theory goes as follows and begins now. All brontosauruses are thin at one end, much much thicker in the middle, and the thin again at the far end. That is my theory, it is mine, and it belongs to me, and I own it, and what it is, too.

  'Thrust' Presenter : That's it, is it?

  Miss Anne Elk : Spot on, Chris.

  'Thrust' Presenter : Well, uh, this theory of yours appears to have hit the nail on the head.

  Miss Anne Elk : And it's mine.

• Hungarian : [reading from a English-Hungarian dictionary]  I vill not buy this record, it is scratched.

  Tobacconist : Sorry?

  Hungarian : I vill not buy this record, it is scratched.

  Tobacconist : Uh, no, no, this... uh... tobacconist.

  Hungarian : Ah! I vill not buy this *tobacconist*, it is sratched.

  Tobacconist : Uh, no, no, tobacco... um... cigarettes.

  Hungarian : Ja! "Ci-ga-ret-ta"! Uh... My hovercraft if full of eels.

  [pause] 

  Hungarian : My hovercraft

  [motions "cigarettes"] 

  Hungarian : is full of eels.

  [motions "matches"] 

  Tobacconist : Oh! Matches! Matches.

  Hungarian : Ja! Ja, ja. Uh... do you *WA*nt... do you *WA*nt to come back to my place? Bouncy, bouncy!

  Tobacconist : I don't think you're using that right.

  Hungarian : You great poohft.

  Tobacconist : Uh, that will be 66 please.

  Hungarian : If I said you had beautiful body, vould you hold it against me? I... I am no longer infected.

  Tobacconist : M-may I?

  Hungarian : Ja! Ja!

  [gives book to Tobacconist] 

  Tobacconist : Costs 6 and 6... costs 6 and... ah, here we are!

  [Tobacconist says something in Hungarian, causing the Hungarian to punch him in the face. A police officer comes rushing into the store] 

  Police Officer : What's going on here then?

  Hungarian : [to police officer]  You have beautiful thighs.

  Police Officer : What?

  Tobacconist : He hit me!

  Hungarian : Drop your panties, Sir William, I cannot wait till lunch time.

  Police Officer : [angry]  RIGHT!

  [Hungarian dragged away by police officer] 

  Hungarian : My nipples explode with delight!

• Customer : Hello? I wish to register a complaint. Hello, miss?

  Pet Shop Owner : [coming up from the desk]  What do you mean, "miss"?

  Customer : I'm sorry, I have a cold.

• Mr. Praline : Excuse me, I would like to buy a fish licence, please.

  [the attendant indicates the next grille; to camera] 

  Mr. Praline : The man's sign is incorrect. I have in the past noticed a marked discrepancy between these post office signs and the activities carried on beneath. But soft. let us see how Dame Fortune smiles upon my next postal adventure.

• Mr. Vibrating : Come in.

  Man : Um, is this the right room for an argument?

  Mr. Vibrating : I've told you once.

  Man : No you haven't.

  Mr. Vibrating : Yes I have.

  Man : When?

  Mr. Vibrating : Just now.

  Man : No you didn't.

  Mr. Vibrating : I did.

  Man : Didn't.

  Mr. Vibrating : Did.

  Man : Didn't.

  Mr. Vibrating : I'm telling you I did.

  Man : You did not.

  Mr. Vibrating : Oh I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?

  Man : Oh, just the five minutes.

  Mr. Vibrating : Ah, thank you. Anyway I did.

  Man : You most certainly did not.

  Mr. Vibrating : Look, let's get this thing quite clear. I most definitely told you.

• TV Presenter : And now a precision display of bad temper.

  [soldiers all yell in unison] 

  Soldiers : My goodness me! I am in a bad temper today, two three! Damn damn, two three! I am vexed and ratty, two three! And hopping mad!

  [soldiers stamp feet on ground angrily] 

  TV Presenter : And now, the men of the Second Armored Division with their famous close order swanning about.

  Sergeant : Squad... *Camp* it *up*!

  [soldiers all chant in unison while mincing] 

  Soldiers : Ooh, get her! Whoops, I've got your number ducky, you couldn't afford me dear, two three. I'll scratch your eyes out! Don't come the Brigadier bit with us, dear, we all know where you've been, you military fairy. Two, three, one, two, three, four, five, six. Whoops! Don't look now girls, the man has just minced in with that jolly colour Sergeant, two three. Oooh!

• [BBC rolling globe logo on screen] 

  Announcer : And now... one more minute of "Monty Python's Flying Circus".

  [BBC rolling globe logo continues for 60 seconds in silence] 

• Voice Over : Dear Sir, I am glad to hear that your studio audience disapproves of the last skit as strongly as I. As a naval officer I abhor the implication that the Royal Navy is a haven for cannibalism. It is well known that we now have the problem relatively under control, and that it is the RAF who now suffer the largest casualties in this area. And what do you think the Argylls ate in Aden. Arabs? Yours etc. Captain B.J. Smethwick in a white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic.

• Mr Mousebender : Tell me, have you in fact got any cheese here at all?

  Henry Wenslydale : Yes, sir.

  Mr Mousebender : Really?

  Henry Wenslydale : No, not really, sir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

  Mr Mousebender : Well I'm sorry but I'm afraid I'm going to have to shoot you.

  Henry Wenslydale : Right-o then.

  [Mousebender draws a gun and shoots Wenslydale dead] 

  Mr Mousebender : What a senseless waste of human life.

• T.F. Gumby : Doctor? Doctor? DOCTOR!

  [he bangs on a bell violently, eventually smashing it, as well as the desk and everything on it] 

  T.F. Gumby : DOCTOR! DOCTOR! DOCTOR!

  Dr. Gumby : [enter Dr. Gumby]  Hello!

  T.F. Gumby : Are you the brain specialist?

  Dr. Gumby : [thinks for a moment]  Hello!

  T.F. Gumby : Are you the brain specialist?

  Dr. Gumby : No. No, I am not the brain specialist. No I am not. Yes! Yes I am!

  T.F. Gumby : My brain hurts!

  Dr. Gumby : Well, let's take a look at it, Mr. Gumby.

  [begins to lift Gumby's sweater] 

  T.F. Gumby : No, no, no, my brain in my head.

  Dr. Gumby : [thumps him on the head]  It will have to come out.

  T.F. Gumby : What? Out of my head?

  Dr. Gumby : Yes. All the bits of it.

• Man : That was not five minutes just now.

  Mr. Vibrating : I told you I'm not allowed to argue with you unless you've paid.

  Man : I just paid.

  Mr. Vibrating : No you haven't.

  Man : Yes I have.

  Mr. Vibrating : No you haven't.

  Man : Look, I don't want to argue about this.

  Mr. Vibrating : Well you didn't pay.

  Man : Aha! If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? See, I've got you.

  Mr. Vibrating : Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.

  Man : I've had enough of this.

  Mr. Vibrating : No you haven't.

• Alan : Well last week, we showed you how to become a gynaecologist. And this week on "How to Do It" we're going to show you how to play the flute, how to split an atom, how to construct a box girder bridge, how to irrigate the Sahara Desert and make vast new areas of land cultivatable, but first, here's Jackie to tell you all how to rid the world of all known diseases.

  Jackie : Hello, Alan.

  Alan : Hello, Jackie.

  Jackie : Well, first of all, become a doctor and discover a marvellous cure for something, and then, when the medical profession really starts to take notice of you, you can jolly well tell them what to do and make sure they get everything right so there'll never be any diseases ever again.

  Alan : Thanks, Jackie, great idea. How to play the flute.

  [produces a flute] 

  Alan : Well here we are. You blow there and you move your fingers up and down here.

  Noel : Great, great, Alan. Well, next week we'll be showing you how black and white people can live together in peace and harmony, and Alan will be over in Moscow showing us how to reconcile the Russians and the Chinese. So until next week, cheerio!

  All : Bye!

• Inspector Tiger : Now, alduce me to introlow myself. I'm sorry. Alself me to myduce introlow. Introme tolose mylow alself. Alme to you introself mylowduce. Excuse me a moment.

  [bangs himself on the head] 

  Inspector Tiger : Allow me to introduce myself. I'm afried I must ask that no-one leave the room. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Inspector Tiger.

  All : Tiger?

  Inspector Tiger : [jumps]  Where? Where? What? Ah. Me Tiger. You Jane.

  [growl] 

  Inspector Tiger : Beg your pardon, allow me to introduce myself, I'm afraid I must ask that no-one leave the room.

  Lady Velloper : Why not?

  Inspector Tiger : Elementary. Since the body was found in this room, and no-one has left it. Therefore... the murderer must be somebody in this room.

  Colonel Pickering : What body?

  Inspector Tiger : Somebody. In this room. Must the murderer be. The murderer of the body is somebody in this room, which nobody must leave... leave the body in the room not to be left by anybody. Nobody leaves anybody or the body with somebody. Everybody who is anybody shall leave the body in the roombody. Take the tablets Tiger. Anybody with a body but not the body is nobody. Nobody leaves the body in the...

  [takes a tablet] 

  Inspector Tiger : Albody me introbody albodyduce.

  [a surgeon and two nurses enter with saws and lay Tiger down on the table. The same drawing room, one lobotomy later, Tiger's head is bandaged] 

  Surgeon : Now for Sir Gerald.

  [exit] 

  Inspector Tiger : That's better. Now I'm Inspector Tiger and I must ask that nobody leave the room.

  [gives thumbs up to the surgeon] 

  Inspector Tiger : Now someone has committed a murder here, and that murderer is someone in this room. The question is... who?

  Colonel Pickering : Look, there hasn't been a murder.

  Inspector Tiger : No murder?

  All : No.

  Inspector Tiger : Oh, I don't like it. It's too simple, too clear cut. I'd better wait.

  [sits] 

  Inspector Tiger : No, too simple, too clear cut.

  [lights out, a scream, and a shot. Tiger is dead with a poison bottle in his hand, an arrow through his neck, and a bullet in his head] 

  Colonel Pickering : By jove, he was right!

• Mr Mousebender : And I thought to myself, "A little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activities, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles.

  Henry Wenslydale : Come again?

  Mr Mousebender : I want to buy some cheese.

  Henry Wenslydale : Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player.

  Mr Mousebender : Certainly not. I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse.

  Henry Wenslydale : Sorry?

  Mr Mousebender : [in a silly Northern accent]  Ooh, I like a nice dance - you're forced to.

• [Interview with a lady friend of the notorious Dinsdale Piranha] 

  Interviewer : Was there anything unusual about Dinsdale?

  Lady Friend : I should say not! Dinsdale was a perfectly normal person in every way. Except inasmuch as he was convinced that he was being watched by a giant hedgehog he referred to as Spiny Norman.

  [Later] 

  Lady Friend : Lately, Dinsdale had become increasingly worried about Spiny Norman. He had come to the conclusion that Norman slept in an aeroplane hangar at Luton Airport.

  Host : And so, on February the 22nd, 1966, at Luton Airport...

  [Footage of a mushroom cloud] 

  Host : Even the police began to sit up and take notice.

• Ludovic : ['The Great Debate Number 31: TV4 Or Not TV4?']  Hello. Should there be another television channel or not? On tonight's programme, the Minister for Broadcasting, The Right Honourable Mr Ian Throat MP.

  Mr Ian Throat : Good evening.

  Ludovic : The chairman of the Amalgamated Money TV, Sir Abe Sappenheim.

  Sir Abe Sappenheim : Good evening.

  Ludovic : The Shadow Spokesman for Television, Lord Kinwoodie.

  Lord Kinwoodie : Hello.

  Ludovic : And a television critic, Mr Patrick Loone.

  Mr Patrick Loone : Hello.

  Ludovic : Gentlemen, should there be a fourth television channel or not? Ian?

  Mr Ian Throat : Yes.

  Ludovic : Francis?

  Lord Kinwoodie : No.

  Ludovic : Sir Abe?

  Sir Abe Sappenheim : Yes.

  Ludovic : Patrick?

  Mr Patrick Loone : No.

  Ludovic : Well there you have it, two say will, two say won't. We'll be back again next week, and next week's "Great Debate' will be about government interference in broadcasting and will be cancelled mysteriously.

• Mr Mousebender : Tell me, do you have any cheese at all?

  Henry Wenslydale : Yes.

  Mr Mousebender : Now I'm going to ask you the same question again, and if you say "No", I'm going to shot you in the head. Do you have any cheese?

  Henry Wenslydale : [contemplates]  Um, no.

  Mr Mousebender : [shots Henry Wenslydale through the head]  What a senseless waste of human life.

• Victor : Look, get out, all of you. Go on. Get out! Get out!

  Mr. Equator : I beg your pardon?

  Victor : I'm turning you all out! I'm not having my house filled with filthy perverts. Now look, I'm giving you just half a minute then I'm going to call the police, so get out!

  Mr. Equator : I don't much like the tone of your voice.

• [man whispers into Doctor's ear] 

  Blood Bank Doctor : No. I'm sorry, but, no.

  [man whispers again] 

  Blood Bank Doctor : No, you may not give urine instead of blood.

• [a letter following a British Navy presentation by pepperpots] 

  Voice Over : As an admiral who came up through the ranks more times than you've had hot dinners, I wish to join my husband O.W.A. Giveaway in condemning this shoddy misrepresentation of our modern navy. The British Navy is one of the finest and most attractive and butchest fighting forces in the world. I love those white flared trousers and the feel of rough blue serge on those pert little buttocks...

  Presenter : I'm afraid we are unable to show you any more of that letter.

• Announcer : You probably noticed that I didn't say, "And now for something completely different," just now. This is simply because, I am unable to appear in the show this week. Sorry to interrupt.

• High Court Offical : [first juror is imitating a fish swimming]  Bird?

  Lawyer : Swimmer!

  High Court Offical : Breast stroke!

  Prosecuting Counsel : Brian Phelps!

  High Court Offical : No, no, no! He was a diver!

  Lawyer : Esther Williams, then!

  High Court Offical : No, no! Don't be silly! How can you find someone *not* Esther Williams?

• Dr. Gumby : [normal voice]  Glasses.

  [nurse gives him glasses] 

  Dr. Gumby : Moustache.

  [nurse gives him moustache] 

  Dr. Gumby : Handkerchief.

  [nurse puts Gumby handkerchief on his head] 

  Dr. Gumby : [in Gumby voice]  I'm going to operater, I'm going to operate...

  [the other Gumbys join in] 

  T.F. Gumby : [waking up]  Hello?

  Dr. Gumby : We forgot the anaesthetic!

  [Gumby comes crashing through the wall] 

  Gumby : [to T. F. Gumby]  I'm going to anaesthetize you!

  [Gumby hits T. F. Gumby in the head with his anaesthetic tube] 

• Doctor : Now I know some hospitals where you get the patients lying around in beds.

• Investment Banker : Now,

  [looks through a dictionary] 

  Investment Banker : Inner Life. Inner Life... It's not in there!

• Vocational Guidance Counselloooor : [just scared off a wannabe Lion-Tamer]  Time enough, I think, for a piece of wood!

• Announcer : I wanted to go into Programme Planning, but unfortunately I have a Degree...

• Announcer : Well, be that as it may...

• Vocational Guidance Counselloooor : This is just one of the many cases we have on our Books of Chartered Accountancy. We believe that young people should be made aware of this debilitating social disease so that they know... that it's just not worth it.

• Mountaineer : Well, they said Crippen was crazy, didn't they?

  Announcer : Crippen was crazy.

• BBC Announcer : And now it's just three minutes until the Big Green Thing!

  Announcer : You're a Loony!

  BBC Announcer : Oh, I just get so Bored! I get so Bloody Bored!

• Announcer : I subscribe to the Borgossian theory of laughter as a social sanction against inflexible behavior.

• Announcer : Here is Mrs B. J. Smegma...

• Various : [Mnemonic]  My third is in tea but not in rain, my whole is in the Luggage Compartment on the Plane. I'll tell you where the Bomb is for a Pound.

  BALPA-Registered Pilot : It's in the Luggage Compartment.

• Dinsdale : [attempted Nuking of Spiny Norman footage] 

  Announcer : Even the Police began to sit up and take notice...

• Dull-Witted Footballer : Well, Brian... I'm opening a Boutique!

• Dull-Witted Footballer : I kicked the ball first time, and there it was in the back of the Net!

• Announcer : It's a bit zany, but the kids seem to like it.

• Sergeant : When someone pops a nice choccy in their mouths they don't want their cheeks pierced! Anyway, "Spring Surprise" is an inaccurate description of the sweetmeat. I'm afraid I shall have to ask you to accompany me to the Station.

  Chocolatier : [Aside]  It's a Fair Cop!

  Sergeant : Stop talking to the camera!

• Announcer : We apologise for that last joke, it was naughty and in very bad taste. Please remember that they all come from Broken Homes, especially Eric.