Monty Python's Flying Circus (1969–1974)
Eric Idle: Various, Clerk, BBC Announcer, Eddie Waring, Eric, Interviewer, Mr. Badger, Mr. Johnson, Newsreader, Philip Jenkinson, Professor, Registrar, Second Assistant, Vicar, Voice Over #1, Voice Over #2, Voice Over #3, Voiceover #1, 'International Wife-Swapping' Voice Over, 'It's' Announcer, 'No Time to Lose Advice Centre' Consultant, 'Prawn Salad Accidents' Man, 'Probe' Presenter, 'Spot the Loony Presenter, 'Storage Jars' Presenter, Absent-Minded Woman, Adman, Admiral Nelson, Adrian, Advert Voice, Advertisement Announcer, Alan Whicker #1, Announcer, Announcer eating a yoghurt, Archbishop Arthur Nudge, Arrested Newsreader, Arthur Crackpot, Arthur Huntingdon, Arthur Lemming, Arthur Name, Arthur Tree, Arthur Waring, Arthur Wilson, Assistant, BALPA Spokesman, BBC Man, Book at Bedtime' Voice Over, Boxer, Brian, Brian MacThighbone, Brigadier N. F. Marwood-Git (retired), Brooky, Butcher who is alternately rude and polite, Camel spotter, Captain Carpenter, Carl Vernon, Chairman, Charles, Chief Superintendent Lookout, Chris, Chris Quinn, Commentator, 'Hide-and-Seek' Finals, Compere, Compère, Continuity Announcer, Continuity Voice, Corporal, Customer, Cyril, Detective Inspector, Dickie Attenborough, Disc Jockey Voice, Doctor, Dorian Williams, Dr. Lewis Hoad, Dr. Natal, Dr. Walters, Elizabethan Gent, Encyclopedia salesman (burglar), Enid, Eurovision Girl, Face the Press' Interviewer, Fairy, Fairy Godmother, Female tennis player, First Booth, First Bruce, First Groupie, First Interviewer, First Knight, First Major, First Man, First Poofy Judge, First Presenter, First Program Planner, First Undertaker, Foreman, Fourth Gas Man, Fourth Man who is Interested in Pointed Sticks, Francesco...
Photos
Quotes
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BBC Announcer : We interrupt this program to annoy you and make things generally irritating.
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Mr Smoke-Too-Much : I saw your add in the "Bolour" Supplement.
Bounder : The what?
Mr Smoke-Too-Much : The Bolour Suppliment.
Bounder : The Colour Supplement.
Mr Smoke-Too-Much : Yes, I'm sorry, I can't say the letter B.
Bounder : C?
Mr Smoke-Too-Much : Yes, that's right. It's all due to a trauma I suffered when I was a "sbool" boy. I was attacked by a bat.
Bounder : A cat?
Mr Smoke-Too-Much : No, a bat.
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Mr Boniface : ["It's the Mind: A Weekly Magazine of Things Psychiatric"] Good evening. Tonight on "It's the Mind", we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange feeling we sometimes get that we've lived through something before, that what is happening now has already happened tonight on "It's the Mind" we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange feeling we sometimes get that we've...
[looks puzzled]
Mr Boniface : Anyway, tonight on "It's the Mind", we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange -
["It's the Mind" opening titles again, then back to Mr Boniface, shaken]
Mr Boniface : Good evening. Tonight on "It's the Mind", we examine the phenomenon of déjà vu, that strange feeling we someti... mes get... that... we've lived through something -
["It's the Mind" opening titles again, then back to Mr Boniface, visibly shaken]
Mr Boniface : Good... good evening. Tonight on "It's the Mind", we examine the phenomenon of d-d-d-d-d-déjà v-v-v-v-v-vu. That extraordinary feeling... quite extraordinary...
[trails off; the phone rings and he picks it up]
Mr Boniface : No, fine thanks, fine.
[a hand reaches in and sets a glass on the desk; Boniface drinks and the hand exits]
Mr Boniface : Oh thank you. That strange feeling we sometimes get that we've lived through something before.
[phone; he picks it up]
Mr Boniface : No, fine thank you, fine.
[hand comes in as before; he jumps]
Mr Boniface : Thank you. That strange feeling we...
[phone]
Mr Boniface : No, fine thank you, fine.
[hand with glass]
Mr Boniface : Thank you.
[jumps and yelps]
Mr Boniface : Look, something's happening to me. I-I-um, I think I'd better go and see someone. Good night.
[exits and boards the psychiatrist milk float outside]
Milkman : Oi, haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Mr Boniface : No, doctor, no. Something very funny's happening to me.
["It's the Mind" opening titles again, then back to Boniface in the studio, nervously biting his nails. He sees the camera, screams with terror, and runs outside to the float]
Milkman : Oi, haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Mr Boniface : No, doctor, no. Something very funny's happening to me.
[a few minutes later, outside Dr Cream's office, Boniface jumps off and runs inside]
Dr Cream : Ah, come in. Now what seems to be the matter?
Mr Boniface : I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu.
[outside, he jumps off the float, looks about, puzzled, and runs inside]
Dr Cream : Ah, come in. Now, what seems to be the matter?
Mr Boniface : I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu.
[outside, he jumps off the float, more shaken, and runs in]
Dr Cream : Ah, come in. Now what seems to be the matter?
Mr Boniface : I have this terrible feeling of déjà vu.
[outside, he jumps off the float, looks about, scared, and runs inside as the show ends]
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Alan : Well last week, we showed you how to become a gynaecologist. And this week on "How to Do It" we're going to show you how to play the flute, how to split an atom, how to construct a box girder bridge, how to irrigate the Sahara Desert and make vast new areas of land cultivatable, but first, here's Jackie to tell you all how to rid the world of all known diseases.
Jackie : Hello, Alan.
Alan : Hello, Jackie.
Jackie : Well, first of all, become a doctor and discover a marvellous cure for something, and then, when the medical profession really starts to take notice of you, you can jolly well tell them what to do and make sure they get everything right so there'll never be any diseases ever again.
Alan : Thanks, Jackie, great idea. How to play the flute.
[produces a flute]
Alan : Well here we are. You blow there and you move your fingers up and down here.
Noel : Great, great, Alan. Well, next week we'll be showing you how black and white people can live together in peace and harmony, and Alan will be over in Moscow showing us how to reconcile the Russians and the Chinese. So until next week, cheerio!
All : Bye!
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Clerk : You are Alexander Yalt?
Alexander Yalt : [in a Derek Nimmo voice] Oh I am.
Clerk : Skip the impersonations.
Alexander Yalt : I am.
Clerk : Mr Yalt you are charged that on the second day of January 1970 you wilfully, deliberately and with malice aforethought published an English-Hungarian Phrasebook with intent to cause a breach of the peace. How do you plead?
Alexander Yalt : Not guilty.
Clerk : You live at 46 Horton Terrace?
Alexander Yalt : I do live at 46 Horton Terrace.
Clerk : You are the president of a publishing company?
Alexander Yalt : I am the president of a publishing company.
Clerk : Your company publishes phrasebooks?
Alexander Yalt : My company does publish phrasebooks.
Clerk : You did say 46 Horton Terrace?
Alexander Yalt : Yes
Clerk : [bangs gong à la Michael Miles] Aha! Got him!
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Alan Whicker : Father Pierre, why did you stay on in this colonial Campari-land, where the clink of glasses mingles with the murmur of a million mosquitoes, where waterfalls and whiskey wash away the worries of a world-weary whicker, where gin and tonics jingle in a gyroscopic jubilee of something beginning with J?
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[Interview with a lady friend of the notorious Dinsdale Piranha]
Interviewer : Was there anything unusual about Dinsdale?
Lady Friend : I should say not! Dinsdale was a perfectly normal person in every way. Except inasmuch as he was convinced that he was being watched by a giant hedgehog he referred to as Spiny Norman.
[Later]
Lady Friend : Lately, Dinsdale had become increasingly worried about Spiny Norman. He had come to the conclusion that Norman slept in an aeroplane hangar at Luton Airport.
Host : And so, on February the 22nd, 1966, at Luton Airport...
[Footage of a mushroom cloud]
Host : Even the police began to sit up and take notice.
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Ludovic : ['The Great Debate Number 31: TV4 Or Not TV4?'] Hello. Should there be another television channel or not? On tonight's programme, the Minister for Broadcasting, The Right Honourable Mr Ian Throat MP.
Mr Ian Throat : Good evening.
Ludovic : The chairman of the Amalgamated Money TV, Sir Abe Sappenheim.
Sir Abe Sappenheim : Good evening.
Ludovic : The Shadow Spokesman for Television, Lord Kinwoodie.
Lord Kinwoodie : Hello.
Ludovic : And a television critic, Mr Patrick Loone.
Mr Patrick Loone : Hello.
Ludovic : Gentlemen, should there be a fourth television channel or not? Ian?
Mr Ian Throat : Yes.
Ludovic : Francis?
Lord Kinwoodie : No.
Ludovic : Sir Abe?
Sir Abe Sappenheim : Yes.
Ludovic : Patrick?
Mr Patrick Loone : No.
Ludovic : Well there you have it, two say will, two say won't. We'll be back again next week, and next week's "Great Debate' will be about government interference in broadcasting and will be cancelled mysteriously.
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Interviewer : Good evening. Well, we have in the studio tonight a man who says things in a very roundabout way. Isn't that so, Mr Pudifoot?
Mr. Pudifoot : Yes.
Interviewer : Have you always said things in a very roundabout way?
Mr. Pudifoot : Yes.
Interviewer : Well, I can't help noticing that, for someone who claims to say things in a very roundabout way, your last two answers have had very little of the discursive quality about them.
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Jacques Montgolfier : Don't forget we have a special guest coming this evening.
Joseph Montgolfier : Huh?
Jacques Montgolfier : Don't tell me you have forgotten already. The man who is giving us thousands of francs for our experiments.
Joseph Montgolfier : What man?
Jacques Montgolfier : Louis XIV!
Joseph Montgolfier : Isn't he dead?
Jacques Montgolfier : Evidently not.
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Chief Superintendent Lookout : [Inspector Tiger has been murdered] This house is surrounded. I must ask that no-one leave the room. I'm Chief Superintendent Lookout.
Lady Velloper : Lookout?
Chief Superintendent Lookout : [jumps] What, where? Oh, me, Lookout. Lookout of the Yard.
Lady Velloper : Why, what would we see?
Chief Superintendent Lookout : I'm sorry?
Lady Velloper : What would we see if we look out of the yard?
Chief Superintendent Lookout : ...I'm afraid I don't follow that at all. Aha. The body. So the murderer must be somebody in this room. Unless he had very long arms. Say thirty or forty feet. I think we can discount that one.
[starts laughing]
Chief Superintendent Lookout : Lookout of the Yard! Very good. Right, now we'll reconstruct the crime. I'll sit down here. Constable, you turn off the lights.
[lights out]
Chief Superintendent Lookout : Good. Now then, there was a scream, aaahhhhhhhhhh! Then just before the lights went up, there was a shot.
[a shot, lights on. Lookout has an arrow through his neck, poison in his lap, and bullet in his head]
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer : All right... all right, the house is surrounded and nobody leave the room and all the rest of it. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Assistnat Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer.
All : Theresamanbehindyer?
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer : Ah, you're not going to catch me with an old one like that. Right, let's reconstruct the crime. Constable, you be Inspector Tiger.
Policeman : Right, sir. Nobody leave the room ask shall. Somebody I leave nobody in the room body shall. Take the tablets Tigerbody.
[clapping from the others]
Policeman : Alself me to myduce introlow left body in the roomself.
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer : Good, very good. Just sit down there. Right, now we'll pretend the lights have gone out. Constable, you scream.
[constable screams]
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer : Somebody shoots you...
[shoots constable point-blank]
Assistant Chief Constable Theresamanbehindyer : and the door opens...
Chief Constable Fire : Nobody move. I'm Chief Constable Fire.
All : Fire?
Chief Constable Fire : [jumps] Where? Where?
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Milkman : Pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake, baker's man. Good morning, madam, I'm a psychiatrist.
Mrs. Pim : You look like a milkman to me.
Milkman : [ticks a box on his clipboard] Good, I am in fact dressed as a milkman... you spotted that. Well done.
Mrs. Pim : Go away.
Milkman : Now then, madam, I'm going to show you three numbers and I want you to tell me if you notice any similarity between them.
[holds up a card with the number "3' on it three times]
Mrs. Pim : They're all number three.
Milkman : No. Try again.
Mrs. Pim : They're *all* number three?
Milkman : No. They're *all* number three.
[writes]
Milkman : Right. Now, I'm going to say a word and I want you to say the first thing that comes into yout head. How many pints do you want?
Mrs. Pim : Er... three?
Milkman : Yoghurt?
Mrs. Pim : Er... no.
Milkman : Cream?
Mrs. Pim : No.
Milkman : Eggs?
Mrs. Pim : No.
Milkman : [writes] Right. Well, you're quite clearly suffering from a repressive libido complex, probably the product of an unhappy childhood, coupledwith acute insecurity in adolescence, which has resulted in an attenuation of the libido complex.
Mrs. Pim : You *are* a bloody milkman!
Milkman : Don't you shout at me, madam, don't come that tone. Now then, I must ask you to accompany me down to the dairy and do some aptitude tests.
Mrs. Pim : I've got better things to do than come down to the dairy!
Milkman : Mrs. Ratbag! If you don't mind my saying so, you are badly in need of an expensive course of psychiatric treatment. Now I'm not going to say that a trip down to our dairy will cure you, but it will give hundreds of lower-paid workers a good laugh.
Mrs. Pim : All right... but how am I going to get home?
Milkman : I'll run you there and back in my psychiatrist's float.
Mrs. Pim : ...All right.
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High Court Offical : [first juror is imitating a fish swimming] Bird?
Lawyer : Swimmer!
High Court Offical : Breast stroke!
Prosecuting Counsel : Brian Phelps!
High Court Offical : No, no, no! He was a diver!
Lawyer : Esther Williams, then!
High Court Offical : No, no! Don't be silly! How can you find someone *not* Esther Williams?
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Dr. Gumby : [normal voice] Glasses.
[nurse gives him glasses]
Dr. Gumby : Moustache.
[nurse gives him moustache]
Dr. Gumby : Handkerchief.
[nurse puts Gumby handkerchief on his head]
Dr. Gumby : [in Gumby voice] I'm going to operater, I'm going to operate...
[the other Gumbys join in]
T.F. Gumby : [waking up] Hello?
Dr. Gumby : We forgot the anaesthetic!
[Gumby comes crashing through the wall]
Gumby : [to T. F. Gumby] I'm going to anaesthetize you!
[Gumby hits T. F. Gumby in the head with his anaesthetic tube]
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Clerk : I'm afraid this is worse than even I had at first been imagining. What a strange, strange line...
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Host : [Sam Peckinpah] In his earliest films, Major Dundee, the Wild Bunch, and Straw Dogs, he showed his predilection for the very truthful and sexually arousing portrayal of violence in its starkest form.
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BBC Announcer : And now it's just three minutes until the Big Green Thing!
Announcer : You're a Loony!
BBC Announcer : Oh, I just get so Bored! I get so Bloody Bored!
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Bounder : 'Morning, I'm Bounder-Of-Adventure.
Mr Smoke-Too-Much : Hello, I'm Smoke-Too-Much.
Bounder : Well you'd better cut down a little then.
Mr Smoke-Too-Much : I'm sorry?
Bounder : You'd better cut down a little then.
Mr Smoke-Too-Much : Oh oh, I see. Smoke too much, so I better cut down a little then.
Bounder : Yes. I expect you get people making jokes about your name all the time, eh?
Mr Smoke-Too-Much : No. I've never noticed it before.
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Various : [Mnemonic] My third is in tea but not in rain, my whole is in the Luggage Compartment on the Plane. I'll tell you where the Bomb is for a Pound.
BALPA-Registered Pilot : It's in the Luggage Compartment.
