The April Fools (1969)

Jack Lemmon: Howard Brubaker

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Catherine Gunther : I would like to live in a castle.

  Howard Brubaker : All alone?

  Catherine Gunther : No, with a prince.

• Howard Brubaker : [to Catherine, after kissing her]  That's the first time in years I've kissed a woman without saying "Goodbye," "Good Night" or "Happy Birthday."

• Howard Brubaker : You don't understand. It was nothing like that. See, she's... she's a princess and I'm a frog who got changed into a prince.

  Ted Gunther : Brubaker...

  Howard Brubaker : Now I was a prince at first.

  Ted Gunther : That's enough, Brubaker...

  Howard Brubaker : But then I got changed into a frog until her kiss.

  Ted Gunther : Brubaker, you're not a frog.

  Howard Brubaker : Right.

  Ted Gunther : As cruel as that may seem in your current state, I want you to recognize that as the truth.

  Howard Brubaker : I'm not a frog now. I'm a prince. But I was a frog.

  Ted Gunther : Brubaker, repeat this simple sentence after me. "I am not now nor have I ever been a frog."

  Howard Brubaker : No.

  Ted Gunther : Repeat, Brubaker. "I am not now nor have I ever been a frog."

  Howard Brubaker : [Shakes his head and starts to leave] 

  Ted Gunther : Brubaker. You need some rest. You also need to consult a doctor. Either a psychiatrist... or a veterinarian.

• Andre Greenlaw : I found out long ago that all of the most unpleasant things in life occurred during the day.

  Andre Greenlaw : The sun beats down, women wear curlers.

  Andre Greenlaw : Men jam subways to get to offices where they cheat each other in business, or borrow and lend money at exorbitant rates.

  Andre Greenlaw : Say, I hope I'm not stepping on any toes. What line are you in?

  Howard Brubaker : I'm on "The Street"

  Andre Greenlaw : Oh.

  Andre Greenlaw : Oh, well, I'm sure you'll find something soon.

• Howard Brubaker : You mean... you're married too?

  Catherine Gunther : Yes.

  Howard Brubaker : Well, I'll be... can you beat... you know you don't look married.

  Catherine Gunther : Thank you.

• Howard Brubaker : I never was very good with animals. I got this dog that barks at me when I come home. Well, that isn't as strange as it sounds. He came with the house. He belonged to the former owner. And he doesn't know that I'm his master. He thinks I'm a prowler... so he barks.

• Catherine Gunther : [In the elevator]  I don't mean to sound too forward. My name is Catherine.

  Howard Brubaker : Oh, ah, Brubaker... Howard...

  Catherine Gunther : Brubaker?

  Howard Brubaker : How do you do.

  [Awkward pause] 

  Howard Brubaker : I never know what to say in an elevator.

  [Nervously laughs and another pause] 

  Howard Brubaker : Some party, huh?

  Catherine Gunther : Some party good, or some party bad?

  Howard Brubaker : Ah... some good and some bad. On the average for that type of party, I'd say it was... average.

• Ted Gunther : [Looking at his piece of sculpture]  What does it say to you?

  Howard Brubaker : Oh, it's... shouldn't there be something on it?

  Ted Gunther : The less that's on it, the more that's in it. That's art today. In any case, the safest response is, "It makes its own quiet statement." And you can bet your ass it cost me a bundle.

• Naomi Jackson : [Walks sexily into Howard's office]  Hi.

  Howard Brubaker : [Puzzled]  Hi?

  Naomi Jackson : I'm supposed to be your new... secretary.

  [pause] 

  Naomi Jackson : We met last night.

  [He doesn't get it] 

  Naomi Jackson : At the party?

  Howard Brubaker : Oh, sure. You're the one with... How are you?

  Naomi Jackson : Tired.

  Howard Brubaker : Me too!

  [Nervously laughs] 

  Naomi Jackson : [Leans towards him]  You want a pill?

  Howard Brubaker : What's in the pill?

  Naomi Jackson : You tell me.

  Howard Brubaker : No. Thank you. Would you get my wife... on the phone?

  Naomi Jackson : Sure. What's your name?

  Howard Brubaker : Oh, Brubaker... Howard.

  Naomi Jackson : Is that what you want me to call you?

  Howard Brubaker : Well, yeah. Or you can call me Mr. Brubaker or Howard or actually whatever you want.

  Naomi Jackson : Good. I'm used to working for swingers.

• Howard Brubaker : Any children?

  Catherine Gunther : No. My husband doesn't like children.

  Howard Brubaker : Oh?

  Catherine Gunther : He thinks they're too... too childish.

• Howard Brubaker : I feel wonderful. I met a girl last night and we're going to Paris.

  Potter Shrader : What are you talking about? What about Phyllis?

  Howard Brubaker : She's not coming. I want you to handle it. That's what I wanted to see you about. Give her anything she wants... the car, the house...

  Potter Shrader : A divorce?

  Howard Brubaker : Yeah.

• Howard Brubaker : Ha-ka-SAY-a-wa!

• Howard Brubaker : What ah, would you you like to drink?

  Catherine Gunther : A double... . a double anything.