All in the Family (1971–1979)
Rob Reiner: Michael 'Meathead' Stivic, Teen Mike
Photos
Quotes
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Mike Stivic : Why couldn't they say "Buddha, bless you" in Chinese?
Archie Bunker : Because they don't say that, that's why. If they say... Well, if they say anything at all, it's "Sayonara".
Mike Stivic : That's Japanese.
Archie Bunker : Same thing.
Mike Stivic : It's not the same thing!
Archie Bunker : What are you talking about? You put a Jap and a Chink together, you gonna tell me which is which?
Mike Stivic : That's right, because I find out about them. I talk to them as individuals.
Archie Bunker : Sure you talk to them. You say, "Which one of you guys is the Chink?"
Mike Stivic : [yells] I don't believe this. He's making me crazy!
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Mike Stivic : We're going to see something you know nothing about: culture.
[Shows him the art exhibit book]
Archie Bunker : Oh ho ho, look at this. No wonder he's getting himself so excited, it's one of his own here: A Polack art exhibit.
Mike Stivic : That's 'Pollock'. Jackson Pollock. He happens to be a great American artist.
Archie Bunker : Well he sure paints Polish. Look at this: he splashes and smears the paint over everything here. What do you mean? A monkey could do that. A great American artist? There ain't a tree or a flag or a president in the whole damn book.
Mike Stivic : I'd explain it to you, Arch, but first you'd have to move your brain ahead two centuries.
Archie Bunker : Why don't you go take a short walk on a long pier?
Mike Stivic : Ha, you can't even get that right! It's take a long walk off a short pier.
Archie Bunker : Then do that.
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Mike Stivic : In today's society, people throw things out because they don't work.
Archie Bunker : Well you don't work, maybe we should throw you out.
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Archie : Where's my grandson?
Mike Stivic : He's asleep.
Archie : Well wake him up.
Mike Stivic : He's tired.
Archie : But every time I come over here the kid is either in bed, in the bath tub or on the pot.
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Mike Stivic : What were you saying about colored families having no love?
Archie Bunker : Why is it you can remember everything except how to work?
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Mike Stivic : I just thank God I'm an atheist.
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Mike Stivic : That's what's wrong with this country; nobody asks questions any more!
Archie Bunker : Can I ask *you* a question?
Mike Stivic : Sure.
Archie Bunker : Why don't you shut up?
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Mike Stivic : You know, you are totally incomprehensible.
Archie Bunker : Maybe so, but I make a lot of sense.
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Mike Stivic : You eat my heart out. Little by little, bit by bit, you eat my heart out.
Archie Bunker : I don't care.
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Edith Bunker : What are you fighting about?
Mike Stivic : The Star-Spangled Banner.
Edith Bunker : Did the singer forget the words again?
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Mike Stivic : Archie, if there *is* a God, how come there's so much unhappiness in the world?
Archie Bunker : If there is a God how come there's so much unhappiness in the world? Uh... uh... hey, Edith... If there *is* a God, how come there's so much unhappiness in the world?
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Mike Stivic : I'll drive a truck, pump gas, collect garbage.
Archie : Bingo. Start collecting the garbage off of the table.
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Edith : Why don't you go out and finish dinner.
Mike Stivic : Nah, I ain't hungry.
Edith : Ya can't depend on nothing no more.
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Mike Stivic : You can't do that, Archie! That's largesse!
Archie Bunker : I don't care if it's largesse, smallesse or any kind of esse!
