North Dallas Forty (1979)

Mac Davis: Seth Maxwell

Photos 

Quotes 

• Maxwell : You know Hartman, goodie-two-shoes is fidgeting around like a one-legged cat trying to bury shit on a frozen pond, until old Seth fixes him a couple of pink poontang specials. You know, that crazy tourist drink that I fix for stewardesses? Two shots out of that and Hartman is shot to shit, freaked out. I mean, I never saw a guy having so much fun and crying at the same time!

• Maxwell : You had better learn how to play the game, and I don't mean just the game of football.

• Maxwell : Drake, now, takes out a bunch of them fake dicks.

  Phil Elliott : Ah, Max, that's gross!

  Maxwell : It's not gross. Shit, gross is when you go and kiss your grandpa good night, and he sticks his tongue down your throat. That's gross. Anyway, he's got one, man, that is about 8 inches long, and it's pink, and it's got little crinkleties in it, and it's got a grinder that you turn like this, and it goes in and out...

  Phil Elliott : Look, I don't wanna hear any of this. I don't wanna hear no more of this.

  Maxwell : Wait, man. I'm just getting to the weird part.

  Phil Elliott : The weird part? The *weird* part?

  Maxwell : Yeah, it gets weird!

• Maxwell : Hell, Poot, we're all whores; might as well be the best.

• Maxwell : [discussing Joe Bob with Phil]  You may keep me on the sports page, but he keeps me out of the obituary!

• Coach Johnson : The difference between winning and losing is about this much

  [holds his fingers about one inch apart] 

  Coach Johnson : ...

  Maxwell : That's the same size as his pecker!

• Maxwell : [looking at his crotch]  John Henry, the man is just like you. He's never satisfied.

• Maxwell : I'm a star. A gen-u-ine sports personality and legendary folk hero.

  Phil Elliott : Folk hero, have some dexedrine.

  Maxwell : Don't mind if I do.

  Phil Elliott : A little compazine.

  Maxwell : All right.

  Phil Elliott : Would you like codeine?

  Maxwell : Does a shark shit in the sea? Come on, give me some of this.

  Phil Elliott : One for me. Breakfast of champions there. Ah...

  Maxwell : Nectar of the gods.

• Maxwell : [looking down at his crotch]  John Henry, why do we abuse ourselves this way?

• Maxwell : [at a party, arm-and-arm with two young ladies]  Hey, did you girls ever try a quarterback sandwich?

• Maxwell : Hey, did you ever drink a pink poontang?

• Maxwell : These girls know what happens at these parties. That's why they come here.

• Maxwell : What the hell are you trying to prove, man, taking on Jo Bob over some chick?

• Phil Elliott : Do you believe they cut Stallings?

  Maxwell : Who's Stallings?

• Maxwell : How's an old fart like me supposed to keep up with a dedicated young Christian stud like Hartman? It's discouraging.

  Phil Elliott : Well, it's like you told me, Seth, you got to cheat.

• Phil Elliott : Holy shit, I hope I don't look as bad as you look, man.

  Maxwell : You make me look like Cinderella, asshole. If I had a dog like you, I'd shave his butt and make him walk backwards.

• Phil Elliott : It's the tooth fairy.

  Maxwell : Fuck you, tooth fairy!

• Maxwell : You did the right thing, son. Lying can be really good for a relationship.

• Maxwell : Why do we do it, partner?

  Phil Elliott : Well, the only way to find that out, man, is to quit.

• Maxwell : You know Jerry Drake?

  Phil Elliott : Drake?

  Maxwell : Big Tex Automotive Supply.

  Phil Elliott : Oh, I know that asshole, yeah.

  Maxwell : Well, it was his YMCA team that me and Hartman had to talk to last night. I gave them my usual bullshit, you know, football, character development, all that crap. Hartman comes up with this story about Jesus being captain of a football team. And the apostles each played different positions, right?

  Phil Elliott : Whoo! And Judas was the coach.

  Maxwell : Nope, Judas was the one that sold the playbook - to the devil's team.

  Phil Elliott : Oh, my God.

  Phil Elliott : Now, wait till you hear this part. Now, afterwards, Drake invites me and Hartman up to his house for a drink. Now, I got the wheels, so Hartman's stuck with me, right? Anyway, here's the point. It turns out Drake wants to watch while me and Hartman do nasty things to his bouncy-bottomed little wife.

  Phil Elliott : Aw, Maxwell. Really.

  Maxwell : Hey, I know, I know. It's not your type of thing. But I happen to be more of a philosopher. I like to mingle with the little people.

• Maxwell : Jo Bob, you know who that is? That's Alcie Weeks, baby.

  Joe Bob : He's ugly.

  Maxwell : He's the ugliest man I ever seen, and I don't want none of his ugly rubbing off on my pretty face.

  Joe Bob : All right.

  Maxwell : I want you to knock his cock in his watch pocket, Jo Bob.

  Joe Bob : All right.

  Maxwell : I want him walking on his elbows in the morning, Jo Bob.

  Joe Bob : He will.

  Maxwell : What are you gonna do to him, Jo Bob?

  O. W. Shaddock : Come on, eat him up. That's right, eat him up. All night long. All night long, Jo Bob, you'll be eating his stuff right up, just like white on rice.

• Maxwell : All right, God damn it, let's get mean. Let's stick it up their ass.