Not the Nine O'Clock News (1979–1982)

Mel Smith: Various Roles

Quotes 

• Doctor : I've got your results back from the lab, and you have the highest level of cholesterol they've ever seen.

  Man : Oh.

  Doctor : I know this is premature, but when you die, would you consider leaving your body to me?

  Man : Well, obviously, if I can be of any help. For research purposes?

  Doctor : No, I want to hang you in the garden so the blue-tits can peck at you.

• Ronnie Barker : This is a family show, and I will not allow smut into your home!

• Man : [Slavic Accent]  There's no going back, you know?

  Various roles : Yes. But don't worry! I'm sure I'm going to be the Best Spy you've ever had!

  Man : Spy? No Boyfriend of mine goes out to Work...

• Surgeon : Don't worry, Sir! We were able to save your Testicles! And here they are...

• [a ticket tout solicits a man in a theatre lobby] 

  Scalper : Psst... here... want a couple of tickets for the Osmonds concert tonight?

  Man : Osmonds concert? No.

  Scalper : Yeah...! Best seats, no rubbish, front stalls.

  Man : How much?

  Scalper : Fiver each?

  Man : Alright.

  Scalper : Two front stalls...

  [hand the man two tickets] 

  Scalper : and five and five...

  [hands the man two five pound notes]