- President Manfred Link: Try to handle this situation in the usual way, Bunny.
- Press Secretary Bunthorne: Can I leak something?
- President Manfred Link: Yes.
- Press Secretary Bunthorne: Can I confirm something?
- President Manfred Link: Yes.
- Press Secretary Bunthorne: Can I deny something?
- President Manfred Link: Yes, yes, yes. Try to make it look as though we're glad to have a lot of black people in the White House. Like we're-ah...
- Press Secretary Bunthorne: Comfortable?
- President Manfred Link: Exactly.
- President Mazai Kalundra: We have a healthy, hard working, population. We have ancient, noble religious traditions. Strong economy. Splendid climate. In fact, we have all the requirements of the super state, but, one.
- President Manfred Link: And what is that?
- President Mazai Kalundra: Oh, can't you guess what it is?
- President Manfred Link: No.
- President Mazai Kalundra: A repressed minority.
- President Manfred Link: What?
- President Mazai Kalundra: We are prepared to purchase from you, at a reasonable price, 700 middle class white Americans of various religions and occupations - as you might say in your country: a mixed bag of honkies. We would see to it that they were comfortably settled here. Then, subject them to the proper amount of division and contempt, deny them certain basic rights, and, in general, give them the dirty end of the stick.
- Gloria Link: I wish Dad were a street car conductor or something.
- Mrs. Constance Link: Well of course you do. Millions and millions of people do, dear. But he's not. And we have to be happy with that.
- Senator William 'Wild Bill' Hubley: Uh, yes, but that victory must be weighed against the fact that his opponents, the presidential and vice presidential candidates of my party were killed in that tragic automobile accident three days before the election.
- TV Commentator Howard: And it must be remembered that nearly 30 million Americans actually voted for the two corpses.
- President Manfred Link: Chappelle Chardonnay 76.
- Ambassador Longo: [converses with Grade]
- Dr. Alexander Grade: Donkey blood, and cow urine. August.
- Senator William 'Wild Bill' Hubley: Well, frankly speaking, in terms of implementing any of the programs that he's outlined, I think, and I mean this as no disrespect for our fine citizens of Oriental extraction, that the President hasn't got a Chinaman's chance.
- Mrs. Constance Link: Don't you see, dear, that the commander in chief of the greatest armed force in the entire free world cannot have the people saying that his daughter is a nymphomaniac.
- Gloria Link: For gosh sake, Mom, how can you say I'm a nymphomaniac when I've never even done it.
- Mrs. Constance Link: Dear, it's not what you've done that counts, dear, it's what people will think you've done.
- Gloria Link: Yeah, well, I've never even been alone with a boy for more than 10 minutes.
- Gloria Link: Now, he's been President for four years and I haven't even had a real date.
- Mrs. Constance Link: That's right dear; because, someone like yourself must set an example.
- Gloria Link: Mom, I am 28 years old!
- Mrs. Constance Link: Now, you want the respect and admiration of the people, don't you?
- Gloria Link: Yeah.
- Mrs. Constance Link: Yes, of course, you do.
- Gloria Link: But, not as much as I want to do it. Just once. Just to see what it feels like.
- Gloria Link: Do you and Dad still, um, you know, do it?
- Mrs. Constance Link: We do. We - we do it - now and then. We do it - when our busy schedule permits.
- Mrs. Constance Link: What about that nice young man who came to dinner last week with his parents? What was he? He was the son of the Secretary of something or other.
- Gloria Link: He looks like a turnip.
- Mrs. Constance Link: He looks like a turnip, dear, that's right; because, his mother looks like a turnip. But! Looks are not everything. He seemed like a very intelligent boy.
- Gloria Link: He's a fairy!
- Mrs. Constance Link: He is a fairy, my dear. Well, that's because his father's a fairy. But, that does not mean that you cannot have a very nice relationship with him.
- Gloria Link: Well, Mom, that's not the kind of relationship I want!
- Gloria Link: I want to be like real people. I mean, I just want to put on old comfortable clothes and stuff and drive a nice sports car down to the beach and run along the sand and maybe meet a nice, tall, average, blond guy. Or, maybe three or four. And lie down on a blanket and they like rip my clothes off and start grabbing at me everywhere and I moan and scream dirty words and then I'm carried off into a pitch of ecstasy and then we start performing every kind of bizarre, physical act, rolling over and over, until we're smothered and I'm just trapped in hot male flesh and...
- General G. E. Dumpston: Now, what's to keep him from throwin' in with the rest of his buddies and givin' us the well known African shaft?
- Vice-President William Shockley: Well, sir, do you want to know what I think?
- President Manfred Link: Does anyone want to know what a Vice President thinks?
- President Manfred Link: Which one of them is the head boogie man?
- President Mazai Kalundra: I am the head boogie man. Which one of you is the chief turkey?
- Mrs. Constance Link: One of the things that I have always regretted is that I do not see more black people in the White House. I mean, we, we, we see them; but, we do not see them, if you know what I mean. But, the ones that we do see, are so, they are so well mannered. They are pleasant and they're so appreciative. And when they get dressed up, my, my, the look so, so, nice!
- Gloria Link: Don't you ever wish you could throw off all your clothes, run on all fours through the woods with nothing but your hot, hot blood rushing through all your arteries?
- Dr. Alexander Grade: Well, not on all fours.
- Ambassador Spender: Can't the CIA - do anything?
- C.I.A. Director Willie O'Malley: We certainly don't want to do anything illegal?
- TV Anchor: Although the subject of the speech has been kept in secrecy, it will include, according to our White House sources, one of the most dramatic announcements to come out of the government since last year, when Supreme Court Justice, Benjamin Barstow, President LInk's only high court appointee, revealed that he had undergone a sex change operation at the Dobermeyer Clinic, taken the first name of Beatrice, and given up his widely publicized hobby of mountain climbing for macrame, which the nation's first semi-female Supreme Court justice explained...
- Ambassador Spender: Gentlemen, let us not forget, that whatever happens out there on that field on Sunday, the eyes of the country will be upon us. Our party's at stake, our government, our nation. Even more important...
- Press Secretary Bunthorne, Presidential Assistant Feebleman, C.I.A. Director Willie O'Malley: Our jobs.
- President Manfred Link: My fellow Americans, in my inaugural address to you, almost four long, hard, work-filled years ago, I made a solemn promise. That promise was that I would commit every ounce of my time and energy to gain for our country the biggest and the best of everything! My administration has had to bear the burden of the past decade of shrinking resources, shrinking supplies of energy, shrinking productivity, shrinking - shrink - shrank - shrunk.
- President Manfred Link: Because I was a little boy, like all little boys, and all little girls too, I guess, everything seemed so big. Buildings were big, furniture, silver dollars, and the cigar my dad used to smoke, and clouds, and womens' breasts were big.
- Ambassador Spender: [listening to the President's public address on the radio] Breasts? Why is he talking about breasts, for pity's sake?
- Chief Justice McDonald: Mr. Spender, I'm sure you are familiar with the provisions of the Constitution for removal of the President from office.
- Ambassador Spender: Well, not in any great detail, sir. You see, by profession, I am a history teacher.
- Chief Justice McDonald: A professor.
- Ambassador Spender: No, a associate professor.
- Chief Justice McDonald: Well, Mr. Feebleman, being a lawyer, perhaps you have some opinion?
- Presidential Assistant Feebleman: Mr. Chief Justice, I'm afraid that the bulk of my legal experience has been in insurance law, traffic accidents, things like that. I have worked mainly with ambulance drivers.
- Chief Justice McDonald: I see. I see. Thank you. What about you Mr. Bunthorne?
- Press Secretary Bunthorne: I was in Public Relations, sir, for the...
- Chief Justice McDonald: For what?
- Press Secretary Bunthorne: For the Fun House, sir, in Coney Island.
- Chief Justice McDonald: Mr. President, it is the decision of this body, that in order to save this nation of the embarrassment of a long and painful impeachment and in the interests of preserving the good name of your office, out of protecting all of us from the scorn and the derision of the outside world, we now pronounce you - dead.
- Longo's Left Hand Man: Would you raise your right. Would you raise your right hand. You may lower your left hand.
- Vice-President William Shockley: I can see a Nobel prize in your future.
- Press Secretary Bunthorne: Mr. President. Mr. President, sir, I can predict an overwhelming majority to the polls.
- Ambassador Spender: Manny, we've already opened negotiations with the upper Ghormese for an exclusive trade agreement.
- President Manfred Link: I want a lot more vacations.
- Vice-President William Shockley, Press Secretary Bunthorne, Ambassador Spender: Yes!
- Vice-President William Shockley: Naturally, sir!
- President Manfred Link: Wait a minute. They think I'm dead.
- Vice-President William Shockley: Yes! Yes. Yes! This will be the greatest sales pitch in the history of American political campaigns! Once, every 2,000 years or so, a man of vision, a man who can work miracles, returns to lead his people.
- President Manfred Link: You don't really think that - that anyone would believe that?
- President Manfred Link: How exactly did she get away?
- Gloria's Secret Service Agent #1: We lost her in the crowd, sir, at the Kennedy Center. It was after the annual "Oldies But Goodies" concert.
- President Manfred Link: Okay. No more "Oldies But Goodies." No more concerts of at all... If you can't do your job, I'll find someone who can and you'll be back patrolling the toilets in the State Department. Is that clear?
- Gloria's Secret Service Agent #1, Gloria's Secret Service Agent #2, Gloria's Secret Service Agent #3: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes.
- President Manfred Link: Alright, now, get out of here and go protect someone or whatever it is you do.