The Private Eyes (1980)
Don Knotts: Inspector Winship
Photos
Quotes
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Dr. Tart : You want another glass of pus?
Inspector Winship : No I don't want another glass of pus!
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Inspector Winship : You know, I have an idea: whoever wrote that letter must have read about us in the newspaper.
Dr. Tart : What is it?
Inspector Winship : What's what?
Dr. Tart : The idea you have?
Inspector Winship : I just told you!
Dr. Tart : What was it?
Inspector Winship : Whoever wrote that letter must have read about us in the newspaper!
Dr. Tart : Right. Now that letter was signed 'Lord Morley'. So he must have read about us in the newspaper and called us in to solve his murder.
Inspector Winship : How could Lord Morley write us after he was already dead?
Dr. Tart : Right. You know what? Maybe whoever killed Lord Morley wrote that letter.
Inspector Winship : If you killed Lord Morley, would you write and ask someone to find the killer?
Dr. Tart : Are you saying *I* killed Lord Morley?
Inspector Winship : [aggravated] No, I'm saying you kill me!
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Justin : [introducing Mistress Phyllis to the detectives] These two gentlemen are here to see you; this is Inspector Winship and this is Dr. Tart. They were in the yard.
Inspector Winship : [correcting him] *From* the Yard.
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Dr. Tart : [after a pigeon gets shot] You know what I think? I think there's someone here who doesn't want anyone to know that there's someone here who might be someone that's a killer.
Inspector Winship : You know what I think? For a short person, you have long sentences.
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Mr. Uwatsum : Ah... So.
Inspector Winship : What'd you call me?
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Inspector Winship : This isn't one of your better inventions. Who ever heard of a gun that went off every hour?
Dr. Tart : Might save your life someday.
Inspector Winship : Yeah, if you have to shoot someone every hour.
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Inspector Winship : You better get a pigeon in case we have to contact the Yard.
Dr. Tart : Right. I'm gonna take Judy. Harold's been a little under the weather lately; stool's been a little loose.
Inspector Winship : That's too bad. I'll have to put a "Get Well" card on the bottom of his cage.
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Mr. Uwatsum : How about a nice bowl of fish eyes?
Inspector Winship : [sickened] Uh, will you pardon me, please?
Mr. Uwatsum : Ah... Do you like hummingbird cookies?
Dr. Tart : No... thank you.
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[the staff are introducing themselves to Winship and Tart]
Jock : [in a slurred and garbled speech] My name is Jock. I'm the groom. I was under Lord Morley's command in India. He had my tongue cut out...
Inspector Winship : Just a second. What did you say?
Dr. Tart : He said,
[imitating Jock's speech, only more garbled]
Dr. Tart : He said that his name is Jock. He was under Lord Morley's command...
Inspector Winship : Will you shut up?
Dr. Tart : [still imitating Jock's speech] That's what he said!
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Dr. Tart : [the detectives are driving up to the manor] Boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy-oh-boy, look at that house. Boy, that's bigger than that hometown I grew up in.
Inspector Winship : Don't remind me. If it hadn't been for your hair-brained inventions, we wouldn't have had to leave the states.
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Nanny : [about Lord Morley] He claimed to have the power to return from the dead.
Dr. Tart : They say that Wookalars have the power to return from the dead, too, and they only have a brain the size of a pea.
Inspector Winship : In that case, you'd have a tough time getting into the group.
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Gas Station Attendant : [to Dr. Tart] Oh say, do you know you got stuff all over your face?
Dr. Tart : Huh?
Gas Station Attendant : You got stuff all over your face.
Inspector Winship : He's oiling his brain.