The Meaning of Life (1983)
Graham Chapman: Chairman, Fish #1, Doctor, Harry Blackitt, Wymer, Hordern, General, Coles, Narrator #2, Dr. Livingstone, Transvestite, Eric, Guest #1, Arthur Jarrett, Geoffrey, Tony Bennett
Photos
Quotes
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Mrs. Moore : Is it a boy or a girl?
Obstretrician : I think it's a bit early to start imposing roles on it, don't you?
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[Large corporate boardroom filled with suited executives]
Exec #1 : Item six on the agenda: "The Meaning of Life" Now uh, Harry, you've had some thoughts on this.
Exec #2 : Yeah, I've had a team working on this over the past few weeks, and what we've come up with can be reduced to two fundamental concepts. One: People aren't wearing enough hats. Two: Matter is energy. In the universe there are many energy fields which we cannot normally perceive. Some energies have a spiritual source which act upon a person's soul. However, this "soul" does not exist ab initio as orthodox Christianity teaches; it has to be brought into existence by a process of guided self-observation. However, this is rarely achieved owing to man's unique ability to be distracted from spiritual matters by everyday trivia.
Exec #3 : What was that about hats again?
Exec #2 : Oh, Uh... people aren't wearing enough.
Exec #1 : Is this true?
Exec #4 : Certainly. Hat sales have increased but not pari passu, as our research...
Exec #3 : [Interrupting] "Not wearing enough"? enough for what purpose?
Exec #5 : Can I just ask, with reference to your second point, when you say souls don't develop because people become distracted...
[looking out window]
Exec #5 : Has anyone noticed that building there before?
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Humphrey : So, just listen. Now, did I or did I not... do... vaginal... juices?
Pupils : Mmm. Mmm. Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Humphrey : Name two ways of getting them flowing, Watson.
Watson : R - rubbing the clitoris, sir?
Humphrey : What's wrong with a kiss, boy? Hmm? Why not start her off with a nice kiss? You don't have to go leaping straight for the clitoris like a bull at a gate. Give her a kiss, boy.
Wymer : Suck the nipple, sir?
Humphrey : Good. Good. Well done, Wymer.
Pupil : Uh, stroking the thighs, sir.
Humphrey : Yes. Yes, I suppose so. Hmm?
Pupil : Oh, sir. Biting the neck.
Humphrey : Yes. Good. Nibbling the earlobe, uhh, kneading the buttocks, and so on and so forth. So, we have all these possibilities before we stampede towards the clitoris, Watson.
Watson : Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
Humphrey : Now, all these forms of stimulation can now take place and, of course, tongueing will give you the best idea of how the juices are coming along.
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Grim Reaper : Shut up! Shut up, you American. You always talk, you Americans. You talk and you talk and say 'let me tell you something' and 'I just wanna say this'. Well, you're dead now, so shut up!
Howard Katzenberg : Dead?
Grim Reaper : Dead!
Angela : All of us?
Grim Reaper : All of you.
Geoffrey : Now, look here. You barge in here, quite uninvited, break glasses, and then announce, quite casually, that we're all dead. Well, I would remind you that you are a guest in this house.
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Hospital Administrator : And what are you doing this morning?
Obstetrician : It's a birth.
Hospital Administrator : Ah. And what sort of thing is that?
Dr. Spenser : Well, that's where we take a new baby out of a lady's tummy.
Hospital Administrator : Wonderful what we can do nowdays.
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Humphrey : All right, settle down. Settle down... Now, before I begin the lesson, will those of you who are playing in the match this afternoon move your clothes down onto the lower peg immediately after lunch, before you write your letter home, if you're not getting your hair cut, unless you've got a younger brother who is going out this weekend as the guest of another boy, in which case, collect his note before lunch, put it in your letter after you've had your hair cut, and make sure he moves your clothes down onto the lower peg for you. Now...
Wymer : Sir?
Humphrey : Yes, Wymer?
Wymer : My younger brother's going out with Dibble this weekend, sir, but I'm not having my hair cut today, sir.
Pupils : [chuckling]
Wymer : So, do I move my clothes down, or...
Humphrey : I do wish you'd listen, Wymer. It's perfectly simple. If you're not getting your hair cut, you don't have to move your brother's clothes down to the lower peg. You simply collect his note before lunch, after you've done your scripture prep, when you've written your letter home, before rest, move your own clothes onto the lower peg, greet the visitors, and report to Mr. Viney that you've had your chit signed.
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Grim Reaper : Take you away. That is my purpose. I am death.
Geoffrey : Well, that's cast rather a gloom over the evening, hasn't it?
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Harry Blackitt : Look at them, bloody Catholics, filling the bloody world up with bloody people they can't afford to bloody feed.
Mrs. Blackitt : What are we dear?
Harry Blackitt : Protestant, and fiercely proud of it.
Mrs. Blackitt : Hmm. Well, why do they have so many children?
Harry Blackitt : Because... every time they have sexual intercourse, they have to have a baby.
Mrs. Blackitt : But it's the same with us, Harry.
Harry Blackitt : What do you mean?
Mrs. Blackitt : Well, I mean, we've got two children, and we've had sexual intercourse twice.
Harry Blackitt : That's not the point. We could have it any time we wanted.
Mrs. Blackitt : Really?
Harry Blackitt : Oh, yes, and, what's more, because we don't believe in all that Papist claptrap, we can take precautions.
Mrs. Blackitt : What, you mean... lock the door?
Harry Blackitt : No, no. I mean, because we are members of the Protestant Reformed Church, which successfully challenged the autocratic power of the Papacy in the mid-sixteenth century, we can wear little rubber devices to prevent issue.
Mrs. Blackitt : What d'you mean?
Harry Blackitt : I could, if I wanted, have sexual intercourse with you...
Mrs. Blackitt : Oh, yes, Harry.
Harry Blackitt : ...and, by wearing a rubber sheath over my old feller, I could insure... that, when I came off, you would not be impregnated.
Mrs. Blackitt : Ooh.
Harry Blackitt : That's what being a Protestant's all about. That's why it's the church for me. That's why it's the church for anyone who respects the individual and the individual's right to decide for him or herself. When Martin Luther nailed his protest up to the church door in fifteen-seventeen, he may not have realised the full significance of what he was doing, but four hundred years later, thanks to him, my dear, I can wear whatever I want on my John Thomas...
[sniff]
Harry Blackitt : ... and, Protestantism doesn't stop at the simple condom. Oh, no. I can wear French Ticklers if I want.
Mrs. Blackitt : You what?
Harry Blackitt : French Ticklers. Black Mambos. Crocodile Ribs. Sheaths that are designed not only to protect, but also to enhance the stimulation of sexual congress.
Mrs. Blackitt : Have you got one?
Harry Blackitt : Have I got one? Uh, well, no, but I can go down the road any time I want and walk into Harry's and hold my head up high and say in a loud, steady voice, 'Harry, I want you to sell me a condom. In fact, today, I think I'll have a French Tickler, for I am a Protestant.'
Mrs. Blackitt : Well, why don't you?
Harry Blackitt : But they - Well, they cannot, 'cause their church never made the great leap out of the Middle Ages and the domination of alien Episcopal supremacy.
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Ainsworth : During the night, old Perkins got his leg bitten sort of... off.
Dr. Livingstone : Ah, been in the wars, have we?
Perkins : Yes.
Dr. Livingstone : Ah, any headache? Bowels all right? Hm. Well, let's have a look at this "one leg" of yours, then, eh? Yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes...
[Pokes the stump with his pipe]
Dr. Livingstone : Yes yes. Yes, well, this is nothing to worry about.
Perkins : Oh, good.
Dr. Livingstone : Yes, there's a lot of it around, probably a virus. Keep warm, plenty of rest, and if you're playing football or anything, try and favor the other leg.
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Strange Man : I wonder where that fish has gone!
Transvestite : You did love it so! You looked after it like a son!
Strange Man : [Bends perplexingly long arms]
Strange Man : And it went... where-ever I... did go!
Transvestite : Is it in the cupboard?
Audience : Yes! Yes!
Transvestite : Wouldn't you like to know? It was a lovely little fish!
Transvestite : And it went... where-ever I... did go!
Audience : It's behind the sofa!
Transvestite : Where can that fish be?
Audience : Have you searched the drawers in the bureau?
Transvestite : [a strange, half-elephant/half-man creature wanders up out of nowhere holding a drinks tray]
Transvestite : It was a most elusive fish.
Strange Man : [twists the brass handles on the transvestite's corset]
Strange Man : And it went... where-ever I... did go!
Transvestite : Ohhh! Fishy, fishy, fishy, fish!
Strange Man : A fish, a fish, a fish, a fishy, ohhh!
Transvestite : Ohhh, fishy, fishy, fishy, fish!
Strange Man : [Pulls the plug attached on the transvestite's corset]
Strange Man : That went... where-ever I... did go!
Audience : Look up his trunks! Yes, in his trousers!
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General : But of course warfare isn't all fun. Right, stop that! It's all very well to laugh at the military, but when one considers the meaning of life, it is a struggle between alternative viewpoints of life itself. And without the ability to defend one's own viewpoint against other, perhaps more aggresive ideologies, then reasonableness and moderation could quite simply disappear. That is why we'll always need an Army, and may God strike me down were it to be otherwise.
Sergeant-Major : Don't stand there gawping! Like you've never seen the hand o' God before!
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Humphrey : Now, sex. Sex, sex, sex. Where were we?
[pupils can't remember]
Humphrey : Well, had I got as far as the penis entering the vagina?
Pupils : Uh, no, sir. No, sir.
Humphrey : Well, had I done foreplay?
Pupils : Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
Humphrey : Ah. Well, as we all know all about foreplay, no doubt you can tell me what the purpose of foreplay is. Biggs.
Biggs : Um, don't know. Sorry, sir.
Humphrey : Carter?
Carter : Oh. Uh, was it taking your clothes off, sir?
Humphrey : Well, a-and after that?
Wymer : [Misunderstanding] Oh! Putting them on a lower peg, sir.
[Humphrey chucks an object at Wymer for his stupidity]
Humphrey : The purpose of foreplay is to cause the vagina to lubricate so that the penis can penetrate more easily.
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Obstetrician : More apparatus, please, nurse: the E.E.G., the B.P. monitor, and the A.V.V.
Nurse #1 : Yes. Certainly, Doctor.
Dr. Spencer : And, uh, get the machine that goes 'ping'.
Obstetrician : And get the most expensive machines, in case the administrator comes.
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Mrs. Moore : What's that for?
Obstetrician : That's the machine that goes 'ping'. It lets us know that your baby is STILL ALIVE!
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Grim Reaper : I am the Grim Reaper.
Geoffrey : Who?
Grim Reaper : The Grim Reaper.
Geoffrey : Yes, I see.
Grim Reaper : I am death.
Geoffrey : Yes, well, the thing is, we've got some people from America for dinner tonight, and...
Angela : Who is it, darling?
Geoffrey : It's a 'Mr. Death' or something. He's come about the reaping? I don't think we need any at the moment.
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Dr. Livingstone : What we're looking for here for is, I think - and this is no more than an educated guess, I'd like to make that clear - is some multicellular life form with stripes, huge razor-sharp teeth, about eleven feet long, and of the genus felis horribilis - what we doctors, in fact, call a 'tiger'.
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Debbie Katzenberg : How can we all have died at the same time?
Grim Reaper : The salmon mousse.
Geoffrey : Darling, you didn't use canned salmon, did you?
Angela : I'm most dreadfully embarrassed.
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Maître D' : Monsieur, is there something wrong with the food?
Guest #1 : No, the food was excellent.
Maître D' : Perhaps you're not happy with the service?
Guest #1 : No, no. No complaints.
Wife of Guest #1 : It's just that we have to go. I'm having rather a heavy period.
Guest #1 : And - we have a train to catch.
Maître D' : Ah.
Wife of Guest #1 : Oh. Yes. Yes, of course. We have a train to catch, and I don't want to start bleeding all over the seats.
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Obstetrician : Now, a word of advice. You may find that you suffer for some time a totally irrational feeling of depression: 'P.N.D.', as we doctors call it. So, it's lots of happy pills for you, and you can find out all about the birth when you get home. It's available on Betamax, VHS, and Super 8.
