Trading Places (1983)

Don Ameche: Mortimer Duke

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Quotes 

• Randolph Duke : Ezra. Right on time. I'll bet you thought I'd forgotten your Christmas bonus. There you are.

  Ezra : Five dollars. Maybe I'll go to the movies... by myself.

  Mortimer Duke : Half of it is from me.

  Ezra : Thank you, Mr. Mortimer.

  [mouthing silently] 

  Ezra : Asshole.

• Official #2 : [Randolph Duke has just collapsed with shock]  Mortimer, your brother is not well. We better call an ambulance.

  Mortimer Duke : Fuck him! Now, you listen to me! I want trading reopened right now. Get those brokers back in here! Turn those machines back on!

  [shouts - it echoes pathetically throughout the trading hall] 

  Mortimer Duke : Turn those machines back on!

• Randolph Duke : [Valentine overhears the Dukes talking in the bathroom]  Pay up, Mortimer. I've won the bet.

  Mortimer Duke : Here, one dollar.

  Randolph Duke : [chuckling]  We took a perfectly useless psychopath like Valentine, and turned him into a successful executive. And during the same time, we turned an honest, hard-working man into a violently, deranged, would-be killer!

  [laughs] 

  Randolph Duke : Now, what are we going to do about taking Winthorpe back and returning Valentine to the ghetto?

  Mortimer Duke : I don't want Winthorpe back, after what he's done.

  Randolph Duke : You mean, keep *Valentine* on as managing director?

  Mortimer Duke : Do you really believe I would have a *nigger* run our family business, Randolph?

  Mortimer Duke : [Valentine's eyes widen with outrage]  Of course not. Neither would I.

• Billy Ray : No thanks, guys, I already had breakfast this morning.

  Mortimer Duke : This is NOT a *meal,* Valentine. We are here to TRY to explain to you what it is we DO here.

  Randolph Duke : We are 'commodities brokers,' William. Now, what are commodities? Commodities are agricultural products... like coffee that you had for breakfast... wheat, which is used to make bread... pork bellies, which is used to make bacon, which you might find in a 'bacon, lettuce and tomato' sandwich.

  [Billy Ray turns and gives a long look at the camera] 

  Randolph Duke : Randolph

  [continuing] 

  Randolph Duke : And then there are other commodities, like frozen orange juice... and GOLD. Though, of course, gold doesn't grow on trees like oranges.

  [chuckles] 

  Randolph Duke : Clear so far?

  Billy Ray : [nodding and smiling, even though it ISN'T clear to him]  Yeah.

  Randolph Duke : Good, William! Now, some of our clients are speculating that the price of gold will rise in the future. And we have other clients who are speculating that the price of gold will fall. They place their orders with us, and we buy or sell their gold for them.

  Mortimer Duke : Tell him the good part.

  Randolph Duke : The good part, William, is that, no matter whether our clients make money or lose money, Duke & Duke get the commissions.

  Mortimer Duke : Well? What do you think, Valentine?

  Billy Ray : Sounds to me like you guys a couple of bookies.

  Randolph Duke : [chuckling, patting Billy Ray on the back]  I told you he'd understand.

• Randolph Duke : We want to help you, Mr. Valentine. My brother and I run a privately-funded program to rehabilitate culturally disadvantaged people. We'd like to supply you with a home of your own, a car, a generous bank account, and employment with our company.

  Mortimer Duke : We're going to start you at $80,000 a year.

  Billy Ray Valentine : $80,000?

  Mortimer Duke : Mmm-hmm.

  Billy Ray Valentine : Excuse me.

  [Leans forward and addresses the chauffeur] 

  Billy Ray Valentine : This is a practical joke, right, brother?

  [the chauffeur shakes his head] 

  Billy Ray Valentine : Then these dudes are a couple of faggots then, huh?

  [the chauffeur shakes his head again] 

  Billy Ray Valentine : What's my next move, man?

  [the chauffeur shrugs] 

  Billy Ray Valentine : Thank you, you've been helpful.

• Louis Winthorpe III : [after trading ends on FCOJ, he and Billy Ray are quickly finalizing up some last minute sales. Once they're finished, they both look up to see the cost at 29. They then look at one another and scream in celebration and hug. After they're finished, they see the Dukes looking at them]  Happy New Year!

  Randolph Duke : [He drops their now-worthless sales papers on the floor] 

  [hoarsely] 

  Randolph Duke : Winthorpe.

  Mortimer Duke : [stunned]  Valentine.

  Billy Ray Valentine : Hey! How'd y'all make out today?

  Mortimer Duke : How could you do this to us after everything we've done for you?

  Billy Ray Valentine : Oh, see, I made Louis a bet here. See, Louis bet me that we couldn't both get rich and put y'all in the poor house at the same time. He didn't think we could do it. I won.

  Louis Winthorpe III : [grinning]  I lost.

  [Pulls it out of his breast pocket and shows it] 

  Louis Winthorpe III : One dollar.

  Billy Ray Valentine : [Accepting it]  Thank you, Louis.

  Louis Winthorpe III : After you.

  Billy Ray Valentine : Certainly.

  [They both leave with Billy Ray doing Eddie's "laugh" and Lewis giving the Dukes the Aykroyd "stare"] 

• Randolph Duke : Exactly why do you think the price of pork bellies is going to keep going down, William?

  Billy Ray Valentine : Okay. Pork belly prices have been dropping all morning, which means that everybody's waiting for it to hit rock bottom so they can buy cheap and go long. Which means that the people who own the pork belly contracts are goin' bat-shit. They're saying, "Hey, we're losing all our goddamn money, and Christmas is just around the corner, and I ain't gonna have no money to buy my son the G.I. Joe with the kung-fu grip, right? And my wife won't f... my wife won't make love to me 'cuz I ain't got no money, right?" So they're panicking right now, they're screaming "SELL! SELL!" to get out before the price keeps dropping. They're panicking out there right now! I can feel it! They out there!

  Randolph Duke : [on the ticker machine, the price keeps dropping]  He's right, Mortimer! My God, look at it!

  Billy Ray Valentine : I'd wait until you get to around sixty-four, THEN I'd buy. You'll have cleared out all the suckers by then.

  Randolph Duke : This is Randolph Duke. Advise our clients interested in bellies to buy at sixty-four. Mr. Valentine has set the price.

  [He punches up the numbers on his calculator] 

  Randolph Duke : Do you realize how much money he just saved us?

  Mortimer Duke : Money isn't everything, Randolph!

• Billy Ray Valentine : [after breaking a vase]  Hey, sorry about that.

  Randolph Duke : It's perfectly all right William. It was your vase.

  Billy Ray Valentine : That was a cheap vase, right? That was a fake? Right?

  Randolph Duke : I believe we paid $35,000. But if I remember correctly, we valued it for the insurance company at $50,000. You see, Mortimer? William has already made us $15,000.

  [Coleman, Mortimer, Randolph, and Billy Ray start laughing] 

  Billy Ray Valentine : You want me to break something else?

  Randolph Duke , Mortimer Duke , Coleman : NO!

• Official #1 : [the President of the Exchange and two officials come over to the Duke brothers, with one looking at them like "We got you now, assholes!", after they realized they just been had by Billy Ray and Lewis]  Margin call, gentlemen.

  Mortimer Duke : [Frantically]  Oh, you can't expect us to...

  President of Exchange : [Cuts him off]  You KNOW the rules of the Exchange, Mr. Duke! All accounts are to be settled at the end of the day's trading, WITHOUT exceptions.

  Randolph Duke : You know perfectly WELL we don't have three hundred and ninety-four million dollars in CASH!

  Official #2 : I'm sorry, boys. Put the--Dukes's seats on the Exchange up for sale at once, and seize all holdings of Duke & Duke Commodities Brokers as well as all personal holdings of Randolph and Mortimer Duke.

  Randolph Duke : My God. We're RUINED.

  [clutches his chest] 

  Mortimer Duke : This is an outrage! I DEMAND an investigation! YOU can't sell our seats! A Duke has been SITTING on this Exchange since it was FOUNDED! We FOUNDED this Exchange! It's OURS! It belongs to US!

  Randolph Duke : My God...

  [collapses in shock] 

  Official #2 : Mortimer, your brother's not well! We'd better call an ambulance!

  Mortimer Duke : *FUCK HIM!* Now you listen to me. I want trading reopened *right now.* Get those brokers back in here! Turn those machines back on!

  [shouting, in a pathetic echo throughout the Exchange trading floor and hall] 

  Mortimer Duke : TURN THOSE MACHINES BACK ON!

• Louis Winthorpe III : Randolph. Mortimer.

  Mortimer Duke : Winthorpe, my boy, what have you got for us?

  Louis Winthorpe III : Well, it's that time of the month again. Payroll checks for our employees, which require your signatures. And no forgetting to sign the big ones!

  Mortimer Duke : We seem to be paying some of our employees an awful lot of money.

  Louis Winthorpe III : [laughs]  Can't get around the old minimum wage, Mortimer.

• Randolph Duke : Money isn't everything, Mortimer.

  Mortimer Duke : Oh, grow up.

  Randolph Duke : Mother always said you were greedy.

  Mortimer Duke : She meant it as a compliment.

• Mortimer Duke : [after Louis and Billy Ray turn the people towards him and the price starts dropping from their short selling]  That's not right. How can the price be going down?

  Randolph Duke : Something's wrong. Where's Wilson?

  Billy Ray Valentine : [On the floor]  SELL! SELL! SELL! SELL!

  Mortimer Duke : [Sees him and Lewis]  What are *they* doing here?

  Randolph Duke : They're *selling*, Mortimer!

  Mortimer Duke : Why, that's ridiculous!

  [Then a look of shock washes over him] 

  Mortimer Duke : Unless that crop report...

  Randolph Duke : [They both look at one another, then start heading to the pit]  God help us!

• Randolph Duke : That man is a product of a poor environment. There's nothing wrong with him, I can prove it.

  Mortimer Duke : Of course there's something wrong with him... he's a Negro!

• Mortimer Duke : You and your Nobel Prize! You IDIOT!

  Randolph Duke : [being wheeled out on a stretcher]  Where's Beeks? Where in the hell is Beeks?

  Louis Winthorpe III : [sardonically]  Beeks!

  Billy Ray Valentine : [to Winthorpe]  Yeah, I forgot all about THAT guy.

• Mortimer Duke : This is an outrage! I demand an investigation! You can't sell our seats! A Duke has been sitting on this exchange since it was FOUNDED! WE FOUNDED THIS EXCHANGE! IT'S OURS! IT BELONGS TO US!

• Mortimer Duke : I have no money to give you!

• Mortimer Duke : [Running to the pit after realizing the crop report was fake]  I TOLD YOU WE SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT EVERYTHING IN, YOU ASSHOLE!

  Randolph Duke : We gotta find Wilson, and tell him to sell!

• Mortimer Duke : [as he is carried out of the pit after passing out]  Wilson? Where are you going?

  Randolph Duke : You idiot! Get back in there at one and sell! SELL!

  Wilson : [Dazed]  I was... I... I tri..I could...

  [as he is taken away by the guy who pulled him out, they take his papers and try to get in there to sell, but the buzzer ending trading goes off] 

• Mortimer Duke : [8:30]  We just made an extra $347,000!