Yellowbeard (1983)
Graham Chapman: Yellowbeard
Photos
Quotes
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Yellowbeard : Dying's the easy way out. You won't catch me dying. They'll have to kill me before I die!
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Yellowbeard : She couldn't be your mother. No woman ever slept with me and lived.
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Commander Clement : Twenty years ago today you were sentenced to jail.
Yellowbeard : Yes, and now I'm due to released.
Commander Clement : Yes. Or rather, no. You see, twenty years ago, no one was expected to live in jail for twenty years.
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Dan : Look, if you cut my head off it'll start to putrify!
Yellowbeard : Do what?
Dan : Putrify, go rotten!
Yellowbeard : Yeah, it would ooze a lot, heads do. But I could live with that.
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Betty : When little Dan was two minutes old I tattooed it on his head.
Yellowbeard : Does he know about this?
Betty : Oh, no no no, that's why I kept him in the cupboard for three years. That may be why he's a bit odd with all these books, and reading, and stuff like that.
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Yellowbeard : Where's the map?
Betty : What map?
Yellowbeard : If you say you don't know where it is, I'll nail your tits to the table!
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Dan : Everyone will be following you and if they catch you they'll have the map.
Yellowbeard : Bugger them! I'll eat it first. Won't be the first head I've eaten.
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Troila : What's happened to Daddy?
Yellowbeard : I killed him!
Dan : He's gone to heaven.
Troila : Aw, that's nice! He sent all his friends there.
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Yellowbeard : I'll kill anyone who get's in the way of me killing anyone.
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Betty : That's Yellowbeard.
Yellowbeard : I'm in disguise, you stupid tart!
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Yellowbeard : Betrayin's all part of piratin'. If you don't know that you're not even close to being a pirate, "Prawn of my loins", my foot!
Dan : What?
Yellowbeard : You're either born a pirate or not! It's in the blood Dan, and it's not in your blood or you'd have betrayed me long ago!
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Betty : Well, it's been awhile since we had a little cuddle.
Yellowbeard : I raped ya, if that's what you mean.
Betty : Okay. It was half-cuddle, half-rape.
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Yellowbeard : I'm sure I killed the last one I raped, it can't have been you.
Betty : Well, the afterplay was a bit on the rough side, but not fatal dear.
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Yellowbeard : Oh, been out raping, lad?
[sees Troila]
Yellowbeard : Nice work lad.
Dan : No, I haven't raped her!
Yellowbeard : [disappointed] No, you wouldn't have you poncy little git! You're not the prawn of my loins, your mother's a bloody liar!
[grins]
Yellowbeard : That's what I liked about her!
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Yellowbeard : With your head on my shoulders we could wreck civilization!
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Yellowbeard : When they stretched me on the rack for a couple of years, I didn't go around dyin' all over the place!
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Gilbert : Where did you hide the treasure, exactly?
Yellowbeard : You won't catch me with those trick questions.
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Yellowbeard : Who're you talkin' about?
Betty : The fruit of your loins, sugar drawers.
Yellowbeard : Are you mad, woman? I haven't got fruit in my loins! Lice, yes, and proud of 'em!
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Betty : When little Dan came along...
Yellowbeard : Who's Dan?
Betty : [indignantly] My and probably your son!
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Yellowbeard : Where's my pirating outfit?
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Yellowbeard : Alright, Dan, if you're my son, prove it. Kill this stupid old bugger!
Lord Lambourn : Hold your horses...
Dan : I can't kill him! He brought me up! Just like a father.
Yellowbeard : Oh, you mean he's beat ya and kicked ya and smashed ya in the teeth?
Lord Lambourn : Yes...
Dan : No!
Lord Lambourn : No.
Dan : He's been kind and gentle.
Yellowbeard : What kind of a father is that? Kill him!
Dan : No!
Yellowbeard : Alright, I'll do it!
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Betty : You're all going after the treasure!
Dan , Lord Lambourn , Yellowbeard , Dr. Gilpin : No!
Lord Lambourn : Uh, botanical...
Yellowbeard : Killing plants!
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Dan : Father! We thought you were dead.
Yellowbeard : Us Yellowbeards are never more dangerous than when we're dead. How are you gettin' on pirating?
Dan : Um, well...
Yellowbeard : How many men have you killed so far?
Dan : One. Two, I think.
Yellowbeard : You think? You'll never kill anyone if you go around thinkin'.
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Yellowbeard : Oh, bugger me, you've sodded the whole thing up like the stupid little twerp that you are. I was recreating what happened to me twenty years ago, man and boy.
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Yellowbeard : You are a Yellowbeard!
Dan : What?
Yellowbeard : Killin' your father as I killed my father before me.
Dan : Dad, the blood...
Yellowbeard : That's what I like to hear! You are my son!
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Betty : I'm talking about the fruit of your loins.
Yellowbeard : Fruit of me loins? I haven't got fruit in me loins! Lice, yes, and proud of 'em, but no fruit!
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Yellowbeard : She's yours, is she then, Dan? Let me have a bit of a prod at her first.
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Yellowbeard : [a knock at the door] KILL!
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Yellowbeard : Never trust a woman or a government.