Christina (1984) User Reviews

Awful made-in-Europe softcore skin flick

[SuperDevilDoctor · 3/10 · 19 August 2009]

I actually watched this at least twice on Cinemax over twenty years ago, but was rather inebriated both times and thus couldn't remember anything except the ending. (At a public disco, the titular heroine slips out of her fur coat — she's stark naked otherwise — and starts boogying.) I must've been really toasted, it seems, because otherwise I'd have recalled just how awful this made-in-Europe softcore skin flick is.

Christina von Belle (American B-movie bimbo Jewel Shepard) is a filthy rich heiress with a thirst for hedonistic adventures. After orgying at a seaside villa with her boyfriend (Ian Serra, the guy from PIECES) and another couple, she's kidnapped and held for ransom by a gang of lesbian terrorists called, for no explained reason, the 10th of November Group. The leader of the terrorists is played by "mature" porn star Karin Schubert, whose dubbed accent sounds like Zsa Zsa Gabor channeling Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS; Josephine Jacqueline Jones (BLACK VENUS) has a small role as one of the amorous amazons. Thus we're treated to a super-lame catfight, a bit of girl-on-girl petting and Christina's erotic dream-fantasies, in which she lolls naked in a cloud of dry ice vapor as black-gloved hands push toy cars and tanks across her body. (???) Christina eventually escapes from the island of sapphic militants only to fall into the clutches of a handsome Mediterranean smuggler, whom she naturally shags even though he, too, is holding her for ransom. Yet another escape is engineered with the help of a lovestruck teenage lad. (She boinks him, too.) Mr. Smuggler's goons take off after her, so the flick is climaxed by a dopey slapstick chase sequence in which a stunt driver on a motorcycle is almost killed.

I suppose fans of Shepard (RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD) will want to see this, but can't imagine anyone else getting much out of it. I certainly didn't. Christina is strangely dull and restrained despite the ample nudity and potentially exploitable situations. Shepard, while nice enough to look at, has zero screen presence in the title role. (She does get naked every ten minutes or so, at least.) The script is ludicrous — not, for the most part, in a good way. An annoying techno-disco score that positively screams "mid-'80s!" just makes things worse. Still, I'm feeling generous at the moment, so I'll give it a few Brownie points for Shepard's lovely derrière and the scattered unintentional laughs amid the dialog.

T&A and F all else

[neil-476 · 4/10 · 30 December 2012]

Heiress Christina has the misfortune to fall prey to multiple kidnappings while on holiday to exotic Mediterranean locations.

During World War II, the English Daily Mirror had a daily comic strip called Jane in which the eponymous heroine lost her clothes with alarming regularity (it kept the spirits of the troops up don't y'know?). There is no such rationale for Christina (B actress Jewel Shepard) to mislay her togs so frequently, yet that doesn't stop her. The innocence of Jane is replaced by a mildly salacious series of sexual encounters with partners ranging from nubile young women to repellent senior citizens.

Miss Shepard's bouffantly back-combed and undeniably attractively unclad persona is the only reason for watching this film, The story is risible, the script pathetic, and the photography dim, unsaturated, and pin sharp (assuming that the pin is as sharp as a button). Somehow, all the gorgeous Mediterranean locations have been filmed on dark overcast days, and look as unattractive as it is possible to make them look. And let's not mention the "acting."

It's the Plan 9 of Softcore Sex Films

[benande · 25 November 2006]

It has the worst story, the worst dialog, the worst dubbing, the worst action scenes, but it features the best B-movie babe: Jewel Shepard. Jewel plays Christina Von Belle, the world's richest playgirl, who gets kidnapped an all female all lesbian terrorist group. She escapes from the lesbians only to be captured by some smugglers / gourmet chefs. Yes that's right... gourmet chefs! You have to see it to believe it! Fortunately Jewel never keeps her clothes on for more than five minutes. Check out Jewel in her prime taking a shower, taking a bath, taking a sauna, dancing totally nude while everyone else is clothed, and making sweet beautiful love to the world's ugliest male costars. And then there are the infamous toy car scenes... This movie is a definite 10 out of 10 and it's finally available on DVD.

Other films of this genre are much more enjoyable.

[bbhlthph · 2/10 · 28 August 2004]

This is a Spanish film from which it appears that Christina is an extremely affluent young lady who fancies herself as a private eye. We are told that there are a large collection of novels about her that are extremely popular in Europe. We are also told this is the first of them which has been filmed, but that many more are on their way and should be appearing soon. However this film was released some time ago (1984), and as far as I know we have so far been spared from any second offering. May this happy state long continue. Similar films to Christina have appeared many times in the past but have usually been significantly better in quality. For example, one need only think of the 1970's Ginger series which, even though they did not score very heavily with either the critics or regular filmgoers, were far more polished and enjoyable to watch than Christina.

I saw this film listed as a late night offering on a local TV channel and guessed that it would be in Spanish with English sub-titles. Such films can be very valuable in helping to learn the language concerned, and so I decided to tape it. Unfortunately I guessed wrong, it was dubbed in English, and I did not even receive this limited return for the time I wasted watching it. The screenplay was farcical and the acting almost non-existent. Since it is now 20 years since Christina was released, we may perhaps assume that this film "bombed" and the threat of any similar follow up films is lifting. But should this ever again be considered, its perpetrators should be forced to watch "The Avengers" or even "Charlie's Angels" until they have some concept of what can make a featherweight film of this genre enjoyable to watch..

Erotic film about pretty young American heiress being kidnapped.

[sain2002 · 9/10 · 22 April 2006]

This film reminded me somewhat of "Autumn Born," an earlier Lloyd A. Simandl film about another pretty young woman being held against her will. In both films the kidnappers include at least one dominant lesbian woman who wants the pretty girl for her own pleasures.

In Christina, I recall a scene in which two women battle each other for the right to possess Jewel Shepard. The winner takes her into a room, gives her a bath, and then seduces her. It was a very erotic, if not particularly explicit scene.

Later, after trying to escape, another woman captures and forcibly takes Christina. Jewel Shepard might not have been the greatest actress of her day, but she certainly had a hot body, one that could even attract other women!

When She's Bad, She's Awesome !

[Nodriesrespect · 6/10 · 8 January 2011]

His worldwide production career spanning half a century and highlighted by his late '60s collaborations with Jess Franco, the late Harry Alan Towers certainly knew the sideways and by-ways of international movie-making. This presumably accounts for his brief affiliation some decade and a half down the line with skin mag pioneer Playboy which resulted in half a dozen features tailor-made for their fledgling cable channel and released theatrically in various European countries. A war horse in the world of publishing, Playboy has occasionally strayed into film-funding since the dawn of the '70s with projects as singularly diverse as Roman Polanski's MACBETH and Donald Driver's THE NAKED APE, primarily remembered today for its Victoria Principal nude scenes. Harry was never a prude when it came to unveiling the physical charms of his leading ladies (often his stunning spouse Maria Rohm), making this union of man and corporation seem like a match made in heaven. Following a few well-received costume capers like BLACK VENUS and LADY LIBERTINE, both parties decided to up the ante and coax one of Playboy's personal projects to glorious cinematic fruition.

The Christina series of paperbacks had been a license to print money for the company since it kicked off with Christina's Quest in 1976. Routinely attributed to allegedly female author "Blakely St. James" but actually the work of a variety of pseudonymous penmen including M*A*S*H writer William E. Butterworth and science fiction sensation Charles Platt, the novels told the ongoing adventures of jet set heiress Christina Van Bell, deeply immersed in international intrigue while bedding every man not to mention an occasional woman who crosses her path. With titles ranging from Christina's Hunger to Rapture, Surrender, Torment, Ecstasy, Obsession and what have you, the sexually sophisticated saga eventually ground to a halt hitting its 50th installment ! Blatantly derivative of the European Emmanuelle cycle, not so much the books as their screen adaptations (Joe D'Amato's BLACK EMANUELLE spin-off series in particular), the character's outrageous ordeals should by all accounts have inspired a similarly successful run.

Harry had been savvy enough to entrust the reins on previous Playboy productions to filmmakers who had honed their craft in the cost-effective environment of hardcore pornography, allowing a career rehabilitation of sorts for the likes of Claude Mulot (a/k/a "Frédéric Lansac") and Gérard Kikoïne. Spain putting up part of the production capital meant he had to settle for a Spanish director and Franco was no longer taking his calls. As befits a Catholic country, Spain had been slow in relaxing its censorship laws but did possess a flourishing simulated sex industry. Already a seasoned mainstay within those circles, Francisco Lara Polop (a/k/a "Paco Lara") had done second unit on Franco's Red Lips duet (KISS ME MONSTER & SADISTEROTICA) prior to making his maiden voyage with the effective Gothic chiller MANIAC MANSION in 1972. Most of his further forays, with self-explanatory titles like BEDROOM SECRETS and NATIONAL ADULTERY, fell squarely into sexploitation territory however. A filmmaker most comfortable within well-worn templates, he proved way out of his depth on a venture that was not only supposed to have wall to wall skin but several ambitiously intricate action set pieces to boot. These turn out to be some of the funniest ever captured on film out of sheer ineptitude.

Bad movie lovers should have a field day with this one, no small thanks to Towers's outrageously over the top screenplay (attributed to his author alter ego "Peter Welbeck") subjecting the hot pants heroine to not one but two successive kidnappings ! First by a band of lascivious lesbian terrorists in matching outfits calling themselves, for reasons never clarified, the 10th of November group (headed by an unflatteringly photographed Karin Schubert, remaining fully clothed even though only a year away from doing the dirty for real in Andrea Bianchi's MORBOSAMENTE VOSTRA). Believing a band of fishermen to come to her rescue, Christina's snatched anew by suave smuggler slash gourmet chef Alain, smugly portrayed by dashing Emilio Linder from Franco's LILIAN THE PERVERTED VIRGIN whose subsequent stardom in telenovela territory probably means he would rather not be reminded of his humble beginnings. Dialog is some of the most innuendo-laden this side of a phone sex conversation and qualifies as ludicrous throughout. Sex scenes, while frequent and fairly graphic, don't fare much better. Christina's recourse to fantasy of being stimulated by disembodied gloved hands wielding toy cars across her exposed curves whenever experiencing intense physical pleasure has rightfully achieved instant classic status among trash flick fans for all the wrong reasons ! Camera work by veteran DoP Alejandro Ulloa, who graduated from Spaghetti westerns to Paul Naschy's surprisingly solid NIGHT OF THE WEREWOLF and Lucio Fulci's oddly compelling "erotic thriller" THE DEVIL'S HONEY, stays well within Playboy's prudish parameters by shooting sex in blinding back-light or otherwise shrouding it in shadows.

Leaving the ladies. B-girl Jewel Sheppard built up a loyal fan-base playing the quintessential Valley girl Crystal Landers on Chuck Vincent's cable favorite Hollywood HOT TUBS, leading to her taking center stage in its inferior 1990 sequel. An okay actress at the best of times, she does about as well as can be reasonably expected playing this wildly implausible playgirl of the Western world, able to turn any precarious situation to her sexual advantage. Former Miss Bahamas Josephine Jacqueline Jones had cut an impressive figure essaying the title role in BLACK VENUS but is reduced to ridicule here as Schubert's hot to trot henchwoman Antoinette who takes a shine to Christina. Poor girl seems to get caught in pathetically staged cat fights whenever appearing on screen ! Near constant nudity apparently could not prevent any of the threatened sequels from failing to materialize. Whether that's good or bad, I will leave entirely up to you. Personally, I could have done with another helping of this endearingly nutty nonsense.

Jewel Shephard fans might like this ,but it's pretty weak as "Eurotica" goes

[lazarillo · 20 February 2010]

For some reason in the 1980's the makers of "Eurotica" started casting American B-movie bimbos in their films. This never made any sense to me since there have always been PLENTY of beautiful women in Europe--in fact, that's one of their great cinematic resources(it sure isn't well-written English and dialogue and competent dubbing). Moreover, these American actresses really tended to take away a lot of the "exotic" European feel of the movies, especially considering a lot of them were not particularly talented to begin with and were often horribly over-exposed back in America, appearing in countless awful no-budget American movies or MTV videos. Anyway, like Tawny Kitaen in "Gwendoline", Claudia Udy in "Joy", and (worst of all) Monique Gabrielle in "Emmanuelle V", this movie features a perennial B-movie American actress, Jewel Shephard. To be fair though, this one of Shephard's earliest films made BEFORE she started appearing in every bad 80's direct-to-video movie under the sun. And she does look very good here. Besides, I don't think this really would have been any better with a more "exotic" European actress in the lead.

The plot is some nonsense about a rich heiress who is kidnapped (twice) while on vacation with her lover and another swinging couple. She is bound and mistreated (although not nearly enough as far as I'm concerned), but eventually is helped by a Spanish admirer. Oh yeah, she also has A LOT of softcore sex (cue the stereotypical soft-focus and horrid soft jazz music)with both male and female partners.

Francisco Lara Polop was a Spanish director who generally made his living imitating better Italian directors in various Spanish-Italian co-productions. Harry Alan Towers who produce and wrote the screenplay (under the name "Peter Welbeck") was an interesting character who, according to director Jess Franco, spent half in time making movies and the other half in jail. Towers had teamed up with cult director Franco on some of the latter's best films back in the late 60's/early 70's, and he also partnered with the genuinely talented Italian director Massimo Dallamano. Clearly, he had fallen on hard times by the 1980's, but then so had European films in general (Franco sank even lower, eventually making hardcore porn and SOV fanboy-type stuff). As for Shephard, she probably doesn't put this high on her resume either (but then I wonder what movie she does--"Hollywood Hot Tubs" maybe?). I think her fans at least might enjoy this, but it's pretty weak as far as "Eurotica" goes

A Jewel with no crown

[lor_ · 12 February 2023]

My review was written in September 1984 after watching the movie on a video cassette screener copy.

"Chrisitna" is the third, and least interesting, of the European-made featurefilms from producer Harry Alan Towers, created for the Playboy Channel and various overseas theatrical and home video distributors. Softcore opus features plenty of nudity, spotlighting attractive women, but not much more.

Bookended by threats of numerous sequels, pic limns the adventures of Christina (Jewel Shepard), a jetset playgirl and publishing empire heiress, who has a habit of being kidnapped for ransom. In fact, this episodi film consists solely of bad guys (and bad girls) nabbing her, having their way with her and then losing her to another antisocial group.

Along the way, Christina has a run-in with several femme veterans of Towers-Playboy's "Black Venus" film, but the ensuing martial arts fights by women are embarrassingly fake, as are director Paco Lara's cheaply staged action-and-chase sequences. Though pacing is much sprightlier than the average sex film, this exercise in voyeurism remains stillborn.

Having replaced first choice Monique Gabrielle (the memorable dream nude of "Bachelor Party") in the title role, Shepard displays a beautiful body and a toothy grin, but (partly due to weak material) creates no character meriting one's ongoing interest, whether or not the series of additional films materializes.

Pic's oddest touch is the recurring device (a la "Alice in Wonderland") of Christina falling asleep when in danger, cuing goofball dream sequences in which gloved hands roll Tinkertoy-size cars across her nude body. Domestically, pic might have had theatrical chances as a programmer but onde again, Towers has opted for unacceptably haphazard dubbing, even thouth the actors articulate in English.