The Lonely Guy (1984)

Steve Martin: Larry

Photos 

Quotes 

• Warren Evans : I don't like to take naps. I don't like to wake up more than once a day. 'Cause when I first wake up I get that shock of who I am and everything. I... I really don't like to do that more than once a day.

  Larry Hubbard : Ya.

• Lonely Cop : Listen, I really don't have to use the can I just want to ask you, where do you get these things?

  [the cardboard people] 

  Lonely Cop : They're fantastic?

  Larry Hubbard : You mean you're a...

  Lonely Cop : Yeah, a lonely cop.

  Larry Hubbard : A lonely cop? Aww. You get them at The Lonely Guy's store at 81st and Lex.

  Lonely Cop : Do they have Gene Hackman?

  Larry Hubbard : Uh,

  [to Warren who's in the kitchen] 

  Larry Hubbard : Hey Warren! Does The Lonely Guy's store have Gene Hackman?

  Warren Evans : Yeah, but you have to order him one week before shipping!

• Larry Hubbard : [Larry meets a woman at a singles bar]  Oh, I hate these places. Don't you? It's like, most of these guys are just here for one thing. I guess I want to meet someone I can talk to, just get to know. And go to dinners with, and museums, art galleries. I think what I'm looking for is more of a *real* relationship.

  Brenda, Girl in Bar : Oh, that's great, Larry. But I just came here to get laid.

• Larry Hubbard : You know, the guys who always keep their hair are the guys who have no use for it at all, they're not trying to impress anybody.

  Warren Evans : Who's that?

  Larry Hubbard : Like bums. You ever seen a bald bum? They always have a beautiful head of hair.

  Warren Evans : Why is that?

  Larry Hubbard : I think it's because they never wash it. It's the only time you ever see your hair fall out is after you take your shower and you wash your hair, there's a bunch of hair laying there.

  Warren Evans : You mean if I'd never washed my hair, I'd have a full head of hair?

  Larry Hubbard : Of course, they could lose their hair, too. Maybe it just stays in.

  Warren Evans : It's just locked in there. If they ever washed it, they could be bald bums.

• Jack Fenwick : I heard about you and Danielle breaking up.

  Larry Hubbard : You heard? It just happened fifteen minutes ago.

  Jack Fenwick : Yeah, well, I just spoke to her. We were very close, you know. We had an affair and everything.

  Larry Hubbard : When was that?

  Jack Fenwick : Oh, about four weeks ago. Every morning after you'd go to work. Oh, but you knew about that, didn't you?

  Larry Hubbard : [lying]  Oh, sure, we had an understanding. We were very today people.

• Jack Fenwick : Hey, say hello to my wife, Verna.

  Verna Fenwick : Hello.

  Larry Hubbard : Hi.

  Jack Fenwick : And this is my girlfriend Frieda.

  Frieda, Jack's Mistress : Hi, nice to meet you.

  Larry Hubbard : Nice to meet you.

  Jack Fenwick : We got a little apartment here on the West Side. One big room, and a 40-foot mattress.

• Warren Evans : My girl Melanie just left me.

  Larry Hubbard : What'd she leave you for?

  Warren Evans : She came home last night, found some guy robbing her apartment. They just hit it off.

  Larry Hubbard : Gee, that sounds tough.

  Warren Evans : It *was* tough. It's probably for the best. She's really started to let herself go. Drank a lot, never bathed, fat.

  Larry Hubbard : Hey, don't worry. You'll meet another girl.

  Warren Evans : Not like Melanie.

• Larry Hubbard : I mean, this is really getting drastic. I don't have anything in my place, I just left with a suitcase. I lost my comb. This morning, I had to brush my hair with my toothbrush. I mean, I cleaned it out really good so I feel more comfortable, but it takes about twenty minutes. Does it look okay?

  Warren Evans : No, it looks good, I was just thinking about how good it looks.

  Larry Hubbard : I think it looks good... I should get a comb.

• Larry Hubbard : [Larry is out jogging, his clothes soaked in sweat]  I'm not really jogging. I only ran about fifty yards. This is not real sweat, either. I sprayed it on. They sell this at sporting goods stores. It's made from the actual sweat of professional athletes. This was taken from a Boston Celtics basketball player immediately after a double overtime game.

• Iris : How long have you been a lonely guy?

  Larry Hubbard : Is it *that* noticeable? What is it that gave me away?

  Iris : I know phony sweat when I smell it. When you first came in, I thought you were Larry Bird.

• Larry Hubbard : [narrating]  If you like to play fetch don't get a fast dog. All they want to do is show off and they don't care about your stick. If they don't comeback by sundown you're out three hundred dollars.

• Jack Fenwick : [on answering machine]  Hey Larry, you're fantastic! Carson wants you on the west side and Letterman wants you on the east side and Playboy called. They want you to pose with the bunny of the month! Boy what a looker she is!

  Larry Hubbard : Woo! Woo! Woo!

• Larry Hubbard : How long were you and Marty married?

  Iris : Oh, not long. I found out he was having an affair with a ballet dancer.

  Larry Hubbard : A dancer. Now this may sound silly, but by any chance that dancer wasn't named Danielle?

  Iris : No, no. *Raul*.

• Warren Evans : You know what gets me? I go to get a haircut, they charge me, like, four bucks, which is the same amount of money they would charge anybody to come in. But say a guy like Michael Landon goes into the shop where I go, they would charge him four bucks, yet he's got, like, a hundred times more hair than I do. By rights, they should be charging Michael Landon like four hundred dollars.

  Larry Hubbard : Yeah, but they don't charge you by how much hair you've got. They're paid to make it look good with what you've got.

  Warren Evans : Well, I don't even know if they've done *that*.

• Larry Hubbard : Did you ever try, like, maybe swooping if over? You know how some guys grow their hair real long and then swoop it over. You can do a lot like that. You can get a pompadour and everything.

  Warren Evans : My hair doesn't grow long enough to swoop it over. Besides, I think when you see a guy with his hair swooped over, you know he's doing it to cover up something.

  Larry Hubbard : Yeah, if a guy has a lot of hair, he's not gonna swoop it over.

• Larry Hubbard : Iris, how old are you?

  Iris : Thirty.

  Larry Hubbard : And you've had *six* husbands?

  Iris : That's a lot, isn't it?

  Larry Hubbard : No, no, not really. When you think about it, it's just one every five years.

• Larry Hubbard : [Reading what he's written for his novel]  "Soon the primal fire began to burn in Lady Hookstraten's body. Her hips twitched and trembled as each fireball from Oliver's powerful cannon erupted like molten lava into the quivering mouth of her ever-fluttering love purse."

• Larry Hubbard : What'd you have for lunch?

  Warren Evans : Toast.

  Larry Hubbard : White?

  Warren Evans : Rye.

  Larry Hubbard : Good?

  Warren Evans : Yeah.

  Larry Hubbard : Sounds good.

• Larry Hubbard : I just wanted to meet anybody.

  Allison the Bride : I know. It can be rough. Did you try a fern?

  Larry Hubbard : Yeah.

  Allison the Bride : Did you try a dog?

  Larry Hubbard : Yeah, but they don't seem to really help that much.

• Warren Evans : Ever think of getting a dog?

  Larry Hubbard : A dog!

  Warren Evans : Dogs are great. They leap all over you. They lick your face. They don't even have to like you. It's their instinct. Hitler had a dog. That dog went crazy over him.

  Larry Hubbard : ADOLF Hitler?

  Warren Evans : Yeah.

• Larry Hubbard : You're making a big mistake! This man is not for you!

  [bride and groom turn around and Larry realizes it's not Iris and Jack] 

  Allison the Bride : He's right!

  [throws down flowers] 

  Groom : Allison!

  Larry Hubbard : [to man]  Isn't this First Presbyterian?

  Guest in Church : No, Third Methodist.

  Larry Hubbard : Grrrr!

• Warren Evans : First time lonely guy?

  Larry Hubbard : What's a lonely guy?

• Narrator : ...and Larry Hubbard.

  Larry Hubbard : That's me, fifth one back. I can't take it over now.

  Narrator : Oh, all right.

• Iris : I'm crazy about you Larry.

  Larry Hubbard : I'm crazy about you too Iris.

• Larry Hubbard : Want to go out some time?

  Rental Agent : I'm a man.

• Subway Gang Member : Man you are one bad backwards writer.

  Larry Hubbard : Thanks.

  [tosses can back] 

• Jimmy Carter Look Alike : Could you just sign it, "To Jimmy"?

  Larry Hubbard : Sure.

• Warren Evans : That was your dog's poop. I saw him do it.

  Larry Hubbard : Oh Warren!

• Jack Fenwick : Don't be so broken up about Danielle. She already dumped Raul, you know.

  Larry Hubbard : She has?

  Jack Fenwick : Yeah, she's living with a rock group now.

• Larry : You're not gonna stay lonely forever, are ya? I'm not.

• Danielle : I don't believe you! You come home, you find me in bed with another man, you act as if nothing's going on. Larry, this is my lover, Raoul. We're lovers. Understand?

  Larry : Hi, Raoul. Larry Hubbard. Nice to meet you.

  Raul : Yeah, hi.

  Larry : Have you known Danielle long?

  Raul : Yes, we're dancers in the same company.

  Larry : Dancer?

  Raul : Yes.

  Larry : I thought they were all...

  Danielle : Well, Raoul's not! Raoul's all man. And he's moving in tonight. After the Nutcracker.

• Greeting Card Supervisor : What are you working on, Hubbard?

  Larry : It's an idea I had for a new kind of sympathy card, sir.

  Greeting Card Supervisor : [reading]  "I know how much your loss must grieve you, But here's a thought I'd like to leave you: Although you're sad remember that, now God is petting your pussycat."

• Rental Agent : All right, fine, but before you can sign the lease, there are a few questions I'd like to ask.

  Larry : Well, what?

  Rental Agent : Do you have any dogs, cats, children, or relations or friends of ethnic extraction? Do you ever wear loud sports jackets? Do you ever get personal phone calls after midnight? Do you go to discos or have dinner with people who want to be in show business? Do you ever put disgusting substances up your nose or any other open bodily passage? Do you own any records or albums featuring the Rolling Stones? Is there anyone in your personal acquaintance who has now or ever had a sexually communicable infectious disease?

  Larry : No dogs, no cats, no children, no foreign friends or relations. No loud jackets. No late phone calls, no show business dinners, no disgusting substances in bodily orifices. No Rolling Stones albums. No acquaintances with sexually communicable infectious diseases; except my Uncle Harry who once developed a rash after an affair with a waitress at the World of Pancakes - but he covered it with a tattoo of a Chinese dragon so nobody would notice.

  Rental Agent : Thank you very much. That seems all satisfactory. I'll have the lease made out immediately. You can move in the day after tomorrow. I think you'll fit in here very well.

• Iris : It just wasn't meant to be, Larry. But there's one thing I want you to know. Even though we didn't do it, you're the best I ever had.

  Larry : The best what?

• Larry : Warren, come down from there. You have too much to live for.

  Warren : Give me three things.

  [Larry thinks] 

  Warren : Two things?

  [Larry thinks some more] 

  Warren : One thing?

  Larry : Not dying! Not dying is something to live for.

• Larry : When I was in high school, I went to a movie theater with a girl. And I was sitting there, and about 20 minutes into the picture, I slowly put my arm around her. Slowly, slowly, I put it on her breast. And she didn't say a word. And I thought, "This is great!" And I sat through the whole picture and didn't move. It was just - right there. Then when the lights came up, I realized it was on her purse.

  Warren : Ohhh.

  Larry : It was still fun, though.

  Warren : Because you didn't know.

• Larry : You and I have something special. I mean, sure, we have a few problems... like, like not having sex, but we don't have to have sex. There's plenty of other things we can do. We can go to motels and listen to other people have sex!

• Larry : I'd gotten some furniture, but the big news was the phone. I had to give them a $500 deposit and a sperm sample, but they finally put it in.

• Maitre D' : Would you care for a cocktail, sir?

  Larry : Yes, I'd like a Todka and Vonic.

  Maitre D' : A Todka and Vonic?

  Larry : Yes.

• Iris : It's not going to work, Larry. You're wrong for me.

  Larry : Why?

  Iris : Because you're so right for me!

• Larry : [in bed, alone, cuddling his pillow]  I love the way your nose crinkles up when you smile. Ugly? They are not. I love your freckles. What's the best movie you ever saw in your whole life? You're kidding! I don't believe it. Me too. Favorite food? With or without walnuts? I knew it! I knew it! What's the saddest thing that ever happened to you? Oh, my God! Really? That's awful. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry. There, there. Just cry right into my arms. It's gonna be all right. Everything's all right. I'm here. I'm never gonna leave you.

• Larry : Danielle.

  Danielle : Larry.

  Larry : Danielle.

  Iris : Larry?

  Larry : Oh, Iris. Danielle. Danielle. Iris.

  Danielle : Larry.

  Larry : Danielle?

  Iris : Larry?

  Larry : Iris.

  Danielle : [flashes her boob]  Larry!

  Larry : Danielle.

  Iris : Larry?

  Larry : Iris! Danielle.

  Danielle : Iris.

• Larry : Do you think you're the only one who's afraid of falling in love or afraid of being hurt? Do you think I'm not? I'm terrified. But you've got to be willing to feel a little pain or you'll never feel any joy.

• Iris : Oh, it feels so good next to your body. Your feet are so warm.

  Larry : Can I take my socks off now?

  Iris : Please.

  Larry : Sure. I just didn't know if you wanted to go all the way or not.

• Iris : I'm sorry. I'm inexperienced. I know that sounds crazy with six husbands, but, you see, I've never had a... you-know-what.

  Larry : You mean an orgasm?

  Iris : I didn't want to talk dirty. None of 'em ever seemed to care if I had 'em or not.

  Larry : I care. Look, um, I'll let you know. Whenever you have one, I'll let you know about it.

  Iris : Oh, you are so sweet, Larry. I appreciate that.