The Lonely Guy (1984)
Charles Grodin: Warren
Quotes
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Warren Evans : I don't like to take naps. I don't like to wake up more than once a day. 'Cause when I first wake up I get that shock of who I am and everything. I... I really don't like to do that more than once a day.
Larry Hubbard : Ya.
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Warren Evans : I remember after I saw Rocky, I ran out in the park jogging, shadow boxing. Some guy came up to me and punched me right in the face.
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Lonely Cop : Listen, I really don't have to use the can I just want to ask you, where do you get these things?
[the cardboard people]
Lonely Cop : They're fantastic?
Larry Hubbard : You mean you're a...
Lonely Cop : Yeah, a lonely cop.
Larry Hubbard : A lonely cop? Aww. You get them at The Lonely Guy's store at 81st and Lex.
Lonely Cop : Do they have Gene Hackman?
Larry Hubbard : Uh,
[to Warren who's in the kitchen]
Larry Hubbard : Hey Warren! Does The Lonely Guy's store have Gene Hackman?
Warren Evans : Yeah, but you have to order him one week before shipping!
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Larry Hubbard : You know, the guys who always keep their hair are the guys who have no use for it at all, they're not trying to impress anybody.
Warren Evans : Who's that?
Larry Hubbard : Like bums. You ever seen a bald bum? They always have a beautiful head of hair.
Warren Evans : Why is that?
Larry Hubbard : I think it's because they never wash it. It's the only time you ever see your hair fall out is after you take your shower and you wash your hair, there's a bunch of hair laying there.
Warren Evans : You mean if I'd never washed my hair, I'd have a full head of hair?
Larry Hubbard : Of course, they could lose their hair, too. Maybe it just stays in.
Warren Evans : It's just locked in there. If they ever washed it, they could be bald bums.
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Warren Evans : My girl Melanie just left me.
Larry Hubbard : What'd she leave you for?
Warren Evans : She came home last night, found some guy robbing her apartment. They just hit it off.
Larry Hubbard : Gee, that sounds tough.
Warren Evans : It *was* tough. It's probably for the best. She's really started to let herself go. Drank a lot, never bathed, fat.
Larry Hubbard : Hey, don't worry. You'll meet another girl.
Warren Evans : Not like Melanie.
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Larry Hubbard : I mean, this is really getting drastic. I don't have anything in my place, I just left with a suitcase. I lost my comb. This morning, I had to brush my hair with my toothbrush. I mean, I cleaned it out really good so I feel more comfortable, but it takes about twenty minutes. Does it look okay?
Warren Evans : No, it looks good, I was just thinking about how good it looks.
Larry Hubbard : I think it looks good... I should get a comb.
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Warren Evans : You know what gets me? I go to get a haircut, they charge me, like, four bucks, which is the same amount of money they would charge anybody to come in. But say a guy like Michael Landon goes into the shop where I go, they would charge him four bucks, yet he's got, like, a hundred times more hair than I do. By rights, they should be charging Michael Landon like four hundred dollars.
Larry Hubbard : Yeah, but they don't charge you by how much hair you've got. They're paid to make it look good with what you've got.
Warren Evans : Well, I don't even know if they've done *that*.
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Larry Hubbard : Did you ever try, like, maybe swooping if over? You know how some guys grow their hair real long and then swoop it over. You can do a lot like that. You can get a pompadour and everything.
Warren Evans : My hair doesn't grow long enough to swoop it over. Besides, I think when you see a guy with his hair swooped over, you know he's doing it to cover up something.
Larry Hubbard : Yeah, if a guy has a lot of hair, he's not gonna swoop it over.
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Warren Evans : [Larry and Iris are trying to talk Warren out of killing himself] You want to know the place I'll have in your life? You'll have a beautiful wife, great kids, lovely home, and I'll be your bachelor friend who you feel you have to invite to your dinner party because you haven't seen me in ages. But Iris has run out of single women to fix me up with as a dinner date, so she wracks her brain and comes up with this widow who's fifteen years older than me, overweight with rotten teeth... You know, it doesn't sound all that bad. I mean, I like a full-figured woman. Teeth you can always fix. And what does age matter if you've got a good personality, right?
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Larry Hubbard : What'd you have for lunch?
Warren Evans : Toast.
Larry Hubbard : White?
Warren Evans : Rye.
Larry Hubbard : Good?
Warren Evans : Yeah.
Larry Hubbard : Sounds good.
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Warren Evans : Ever think of getting a dog?
Larry Hubbard : A dog!
Warren Evans : Dogs are great. They leap all over you. They lick your face. They don't even have to like you. It's their instinct. Hitler had a dog. That dog went crazy over him.
Larry Hubbard : ADOLF Hitler?
Warren Evans : Yeah.
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Warren Evans : First time lonely guy?
Larry Hubbard : What's a lonely guy?
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Bridge Jumper #2 : Excuse me, are you using this railing?
Warren Evans : No, go ahead.
Bridge Jumper #2 : Thanks.
[gets on railing and jumps off bridge]
Bridge Jumper #2 : Ahhhhhhhhh!
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Warren Evans : That was your dog's poop. I saw him do it.
Larry Hubbard : Oh Warren!
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Larry : When I was in high school, I went to a movie theater with a girl. And I was sitting there, and about 20 minutes into the picture, I slowly put my arm around her. Slowly, slowly, I put it on her breast. And she didn't say a word. And I thought, "This is great!" And I sat through the whole picture and didn't move. It was just - right there. Then when the lights came up, I realized it was on her purse.
Warren : Ohhh.
Larry : It was still fun, though.
Warren : Because you didn't know.
