Art Metrano: Lt. Mauser
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Quotes
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Lt. Mauser : [Mauser and Proctor are spying on Lassard greeting the new recruits in his office] So... these academy rats are going to save the precinct?
Proctor : Hey, personally, lieutenant, I hope they fall flat on their asses.
Lt. Mauser : That can be arranged, you know?
Proctor : What do you mean?
Lt. Mauser : Well, if they fail, I take over as commander of the precinct.
Lt. Mauser : So?
Lt. Mauser : So... we make sure they fail.
Proctor : Who?
Lt. Mauser : The new recruits.
Proctor : Why?
Lt. Mauser : If they fail, Lassard's out, I'm in. And I'm gonna need somebody to be the new watch commander. And you know who that's gonna be.
Proctor : [confused] Who?
Lt. Mauser : [annoyed] You, dickhead, you!
Proctor : Oh... oh... well, good idea.
Lt. Mauser : You're not playing with a full deck, are you?
Proctor : Oh, I don't play cards.
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Lt. Mauser : Any day now, Mahoney, and your little ass is mine.
Carey Mahoney : You wanted to see me, sir?
Lt. Mauser : Mahoney, didn't your mother teach you how to knock?
Carey Mahoney : It depends. Sir? I hope this isn't going to be too personal? I heard what you said about my little butt and I don't know how to break this to you, sir, but I'm straight.
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Lt. Mauser : Hey, wait a minute! My hands are stuck with my head! What the fuck?
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Lt. Mauser : That's it. Thank you for oyur patience.
Laverne Hooks : What about me, sir? Don't I get a car?
Lt. Mauser : [imitating Hooks] "Oh, what about me sir? Don't I get a car?" No, you don't get a car. You get a nice little chair and a nice little desk and a nice little office for your nice little voice!
[he starts to leave the room, chuckling]
Laverne Hooks : Asshole!
Lt. Mauser : [as he exits the room and holds up two fingers] That's two!
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Lt. Mauser : Let me see your piece. There's no round in the chamber.
Laverne Hooks : I was afraid it might go off.
Lt. Mauser : Oh, heavens to be, it might go off.
[to Proctor, holding a clipboard]
Lt. Mauser : That's one for Hooks.
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Proctor : Hightower!
Hightower : Yo!
Lt. Mauser : Yo?
Hightower : Yo, sir!
Lt. Mauser : Yo, sir... You must be from the south! That's "Yes, sir." You got foot patrol.
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Chief Hurst : Mauser, you're the most incredible ass-kisser I have ever seen.
Lt. Mauser : Thank you very much, sir. I do my best.
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Chief Hurst : It's official, Captain Lassard. This is now the worst precinct in the entire city! Burglary up 25%, armed robbery up 30%, vandalism up 44%!
Lt. Mauser : Sir, I think if you'll check, burglary is actually up 48%.
Chief Hurst : [to Lassard] There? You hear that?
[to Mauser]
Chief Hurst : Who are you?
Lt. Mauser : Mauser, sir. M as in man A-U, S as in Sam.
Pete Lassard : Oh, shut up and sit down, Mauser. He didn't ask for your biography.
Lt. Mauser : E-R, sir.
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Lt. Mauser : [in the squad room where Mauser is seen wearing a horrible-looking wig] Well, it seems that yours truly was the object of a malicious prank. Now, can anybody in here tell me...
[exposes his hands covered in black glue residue]
Lt. Mauser : How this happened?
Carey Mahoney : I can, sir, and if you don't stop that, you could go blind.
[the other officers start chuckling as Mauser and Proctor react in fury]
Lt. Mauser : You think you're funny, don't you, Mahoney? Well, you're on report.
[to Proctor]
Lt. Mauser : Put him on report.
[Proctor immediately gets out his notepad as an angry Captain Lassard enters the room covered in spray-paint graffiti]
Lt. Mauser : We are not going to leave this room until we find out what happened!
[Lassard angrily slams his coat on the table as he looks at Lassard]
Lt. Mauser : What happened?
Pete Lassard : [annoyed] What's going on here?
Lt. Mauser : Oh, nothing, sir. I was just reprimanding your men.
Pete Lassard : Oh, the hell with your goddamn reprimands.
Lt. Mauser : No, sir, you don't understand.
Pete Lassard : Shut up, Lieutenant, I have something to say!
Lt. Mauser : [shows Lassard his hands] Sir, would you take a look at my hands?
Pete Lassard : I think it's a matter of personal hygiene. I am talking about public safety!
Lt. Mauser : [under his breath] Yes, sir.
Pete Lassard : [to the officers] Now, listen up, everybody. This is serious. We've got to do something. This is war! Now, we didn't start it, but we are going to finish it. I don't care if we have to work time in a half, I don't care if we have to work double-time, but mark my words, we are going to nail these punks, starting now!
[everybody jumps from their chairs waving their batons in glory]
Sistrunk : Let's kick ass!
[fires gun in the air, alarming everybody in the room]
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Lt. Mauser : [now the commanding officer of the precinct and is grilling the rookies in the squad room] From this moment on, I am the commanding de facto of this precinct. My name is Lieutenant Mauser. Mauser. On Thursday last, yours truly was the object of a disgusting, personal attack and I would like to hear some names. Just some names.
[everybody sits silently]
Lt. Mauser : Okay. Have it your way...
[walks over to Sistrunk]
Lt. Mauser : ... but I will suspend EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!
Carey Mahoney : [stands up] Sir... I did it.
[Sistrunk points to Mahoney for Mauser and he walks over to him]
Lt. Mauser : Mahoney, what--what kind of clown do you think I am?
Carey Mahoney : A juggling clown?
[everybody starts stifling their laughter as Mauser's left eye begins to twitch in anger]
Lt. Mauser : You're suspended... INDEFINITELY! SIT DOWN!
Pete Lassard : [stands up, much to Mahoney's shock] You can't do that!
Lt. Mauser : What?
Pete Lassard : You suspend him, you suspend me!
Lt. Mauser : My pleasure! Sit down, smelly!
