- Lt. Mauser: [Mauser and Proctor are spying on Lassard greeting the new recruits in his office] So... these academy rats are going to save the precinct?
- Proctor: Hey, personally, lieutenant, I hope they fall flat on their asses.
- Lt. Mauser: That can be arranged, you know?
- Proctor: What do you mean?
- Lt. Mauser: Well, if they fail, I take over as commander of the precinct.
- Lt. Mauser: So?
- Lt. Mauser: So... we make sure they fail.
- Proctor: Who?
- Lt. Mauser: The new recruits.
- Proctor: Why?
- Lt. Mauser: If they fail, Lassard's out, I'm in. And I'm gonna need somebody to be the new watch commander. And you know who that's gonna be.
- Proctor: [confused] Who?
- Lt. Mauser: [annoyed] You, dickhead, you!
- Proctor: Oh... oh... well, good idea.
- Lt. Mauser: You're not playing with a full deck, are you?
- Proctor: Oh, I don't play cards.
- Lt. Mauser: Any day now, Mahoney, and your little ass is mine.
- Carey Mahoney: You wanted to see me, sir?
- Lt. Mauser: Mahoney, didn't your mother teach you how to knock?
- Carey Mahoney: It depends. Sir? I hope this isn't going to be too personal? I heard what you said about my little butt and I don't know how to break this to you, sir, but I'm straight.
- Tackleberry: [softly] Mahoney... I'm a virgin!
- [Everyone in the bar stops and looks at Tackleberry in shock]
- Tackleberry: YOU PEOPLE GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS OR I'LL CRACK SOME HEADS!
- Lt. Mauser: That's it. Thank you for oyur patience.
- Laverne Hooks: What about me, sir? Don't I get a car?
- Lt. Mauser: [imitating Hooks] "Oh, what about me sir? Don't I get a car?" No, you don't get a car. You get a nice little chair and a nice little desk and a nice little office for your nice little voice!
- [he starts to leave the room, chuckling]
- Laverne Hooks: Asshole!
- Lt. Mauser: [as he exits the room and holds up two fingers] That's two!
- [Cmdt. Lassard's water in his fishbowl is boiling on the hibachi]
- Pete Lassard: This fish is boiling.
- Japanese Chef: Oh, you want stir fry?
- Lt. Mauser: Let me see your piece. There's no round in the chamber.
- Laverne Hooks: I was afraid it might go off.
- Lt. Mauser: Oh, heavens to be, it might go off.
- [to Proctor, holding a clipboard]
- Lt. Mauser: That's one for Hooks.
- Pete Lassard: [over the CB radio] Come on, guys! Step on it!
- [Vinnie's dog steps on Captain Lassard's lap]
- Pete Lassard: [in pain] Not you, Lou!
- Proctor: Hightower!
- Hightower: Yo!
- Lt. Mauser: Yo?
- Hightower: Yo, sir!
- Lt. Mauser: Yo, sir... You must be from the south! That's "Yes, sir." You got foot patrol.
- Chief Hurst: Mauser, you're the most incredible ass-kisser I have ever seen.
- Lt. Mauser: Thank you very much, sir. I do my best.
- [Sargent Vinnie picks up a chocolate bar out of a rubbish bin]
- Vinnie Schtulman: Hey, Carey, look at this, huh? Geez. A Nestle Crunch bar. It's hardly been touched.
- [Notices the state of the candy]
- Vinnie Schtulman: Ah, no wonder. It's got ants all over it.
- [Brushes and blows the ants off]
- Carey Mahoney: Vinnie, you're not gonna eat that are you?
- Vinnie Schtulman: Well, you wanna split it?
- Carey Mahoney: [horrified] No!
- [Mahoney wears a microphone while infiltrating Zed's gang]
- Carey Mahoney: So what is this place? It smells like animals.
- Vinnie Schtulman: They took him to my place?
- Chief Hurst: It's official, Captain Lassard. This is now the worst precinct in the entire city! Burglary up 25%, armed robbery up 30%, vandalism up 44%!
- Lt. Mauser: Sir, I think if you'll check, burglary is actually up 48%.
- Chief Hurst: [to Lassard] There? You hear that?
- [to Mauser]
- Chief Hurst: Who are you?
- Lt. Mauser: Mauser, sir. M as in man A-U, S as in Sam.
- Pete Lassard: Oh, shut up and sit down, Mauser. He didn't ask for your biography.
- Lt. Mauser: E-R, sir.
- Carey Mahoney: You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to a court appointed attorney. You have the right to sing the blues. You have the right to cable TV... that's very important. You have the right to sublet. You have the right to paint the walls... no loud colors.
- Lt. Mauser: [in the squad room where Mauser is seen wearing a horrible-looking wig] Well, it seems that yours truly was the object of a malicious prank. Now, can anybody in here tell me...
- [exposes his hands covered in black glue residue]
- Lt. Mauser: How this happened?
- Carey Mahoney: I can, sir, and if you don't stop that, you could go blind.
- [the other officers start chuckling as Mauser and Proctor react in fury]
- Lt. Mauser: You think you're funny, don't you, Mahoney? Well, you're on report.
- [to Proctor]
- Lt. Mauser: Put him on report.
- [Proctor immediately gets out his notepad as an angry Captain Lassard enters the room covered in spray-paint graffiti]
- Lt. Mauser: We are not going to leave this room until we find out what happened!
- [Lassard angrily slams his coat on the table as he looks at Lassard]
- Lt. Mauser: What happened?
- Pete Lassard: [annoyed] What's going on here?
- Lt. Mauser: Oh, nothing, sir. I was just reprimanding your men.
- Pete Lassard: Oh, the hell with your goddamn reprimands.
- Lt. Mauser: No, sir, you don't understand.
- Pete Lassard: Shut up, Lieutenant, I have something to say!
- Lt. Mauser: [shows Lassard his hands] Sir, would you take a look at my hands?
- Pete Lassard: I think it's a matter of personal hygiene. I am talking about public safety!
- Lt. Mauser: [under his breath] Yes, sir.
- Pete Lassard: [to the officers] Now, listen up, everybody. This is serious. We've got to do something. This is war! Now, we didn't start it, but we are going to finish it. I don't care if we have to work time in a half, I don't care if we have to work double-time, but mark my words, we are going to nail these punks, starting now!
- [everybody jumps from their chairs waving their batons in glory]
- Sistrunk: Let's kick ass!
- [fires gun in the air, alarming everybody in the room]
- Vinnie Schtulman: [after seeing his cat pooped in the cereal] You sure you don't want any?
- Carey Mahoney: [uneasy] I'm on a diet.
- Pete Lassard: [he, Mahoney, and Schultman are sitting having dinner at a bar after all of them lose their jobs] We don't know where they come from, where they hide out. We don't even know who their leader is. Oh, I would just love to nail that bunch.
- Carey Mahoney: I'd love to get my job back.
- Vinnie Schtulman: I say we do what Baretta would do.
- Carey Mahoney: Baretta?
- Pete Lassard, Vinnie Schtulman: Yeah. Disguise yourself, go undercover, infiltrate that gang.
- Carey Mahoney: Schultman...
- Pete Lassard: You think YOU could do that?
- Vinnie Schtulman: No.
- [points to Mahoney]
- Vinnie Schtulman: But he could.
- Pete Lassard: [to Mahoney] He's right.
- Carey Mahoney: No.
- Pete Lassard: You're young enough. Hell, you look like one of the little creeps!
- Carey Mahoney: Sir, he's talking about a television show!
- Pete Lassard: All right, Mahoney, here's the deal. I can't pay you your salary, can't even give you expenses, and if you get yourself in a jam, I might not be able to bail you out. It could be dangerous.
- Vinnie Schtulman: You could get killed.
- Pete Lassard: He's right.
- Carey Mahoney: [after a pause] Sounds awfully tempting.
- Lt. Mauser: [now the commanding officer of the precinct and is grilling the rookies in the squad room] From this moment on, I am the commanding de facto of this precinct. My name is Lieutenant Mauser. Mauser. On Thursday last, yours truly was the object of a disgusting, personal attack and I would like to hear some names. Just some names.
- [everybody sits silently]
- Lt. Mauser: Okay. Have it your way...
- [walks over to Sistrunk]
- Lt. Mauser: ... but I will suspend EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU!
- Carey Mahoney: [stands up] Sir... I did it.
- [Sistrunk points to Mahoney for Mauser and he walks over to him]
- Lt. Mauser: Mahoney, what--what kind of clown do you think I am?
- Carey Mahoney: A juggling clown?
- [everybody starts stifling their laughter as Mauser's left eye begins to twitch in anger]
- Lt. Mauser: You're suspended... INDEFINITELY! SIT DOWN!
- Pete Lassard: [stands up, much to Mahoney's shock] You can't do that!
- Lt. Mauser: What?
- Pete Lassard: You suspend him, you suspend me!
- Lt. Mauser: My pleasure! Sit down, smelly!
- Pete Lassard: [after Hurst angrily reads the city's crime statistics] Look, Hurst, what do you expect? You cut my budget, you cut my staff! I got nothing to work with! Look around! These guys are old, they're tired! They just can't cut it anymore.
- Chief Hurst: Well, maybe they need a new captain, Lassard. The mayor wants results. You remember the mayor? She wants something done about this. Now, what do you propose?
- Pete Lassard: I propose you take your nose out of MY business, go back to the mayor's office, and put it where it usually is.