Spies Like Us (1985)

Dan Aykroyd: Austin Millbarge

Photos 

2 more photos

Quotes 

• [Milbarge and Fitz-Hume hear a sound] 

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Did you hear that?

  Austin Millbarge : Yeah. It's a dickfer.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : What's a dickfer?

  Austin Millbarge : To pee with.

• Captain Hefling : [Talking about an encrypted transmission from the Chinese]  That was a static-filled, triple-scrambled microwave transmission between 2 soldiers talking in mandarin Chinese.

  Austin Millbarge : The Chinese were only using a simple polyphonetically grouped 20-square-digit key transposed in boustrophedonic form with multiple nulls. I broke it with this...

  [Holds up a kid's cipher disk] 

  Captain Hefling : A drogan's decoder wheel? They put these into cereal boxes for kids.

  Austin Millbarge : Yeah, I found it in a box of "lucky charms".

  Captain Hefling : Break it down again with the machines!

  Austin Millbarge : I already did.

  [Shows him the decoded message] 

  Captain Hefling : Well... Then clean up your desk!

• Dr. Imhaus : Doctor.

  Austin Millbarge : Doctor.

  Dr. Imhaus : Doctor.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Doctor.

  [Imhaus exits] 

  Dr. Marston : Doctor.

  Austin Millbarge : Doctor.

  Dr. Marston : Doctor.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Doctor.

  [Marston exits] 

  Karen Boyer : Doctor.

  Austin Millbarge : Doctor.

  Karen Boyer : Doctor.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : [amorously]  Doctor!

  [Boyer exits] 

  Jerry Hadley : Doctor.

  Austin Millbarge : Doctor.

  Jerry Hadley : Doctor.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Doctor.

  [Hadley exits] 

  Austin Millbarge : We're not doctors!

• Austin Millbarge : They do seem to be headed in that general direction. Maybe your dick's not so dumb.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : It got me through high school.

• [Emmett Fitz-Hume and Austin Millbarge are surrounded by Ninja warriors] 

  Austin Millbarge : For God's sake, show some balls!

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : I think it's too late to try and impress them.

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : What's she saying?

  Austin Millbarge : H... hair... hairbrush... headrest...

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Jesus, where did you learn your Russian? JCPenney?

• Austin Millbarge : I gotta take a leak. You should go too.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : What are you my mother? Don't you think I'm capable of determining my own time to go to the bathroom?

  Austin Millbarge : So, isn't now one of those times?

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : No.

  Austin Millbarge : You mean you don't feel a certain degree of urgent pressure on the inner wall of your bladder, now, right at this moment?

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : No, I'm fine!

  Austin Millbarge : Well... wouldn't you feel more comfortable being fully relieved of any excess fluids that might be building up immediately, now?

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : I gotta take a whiz?

  Austin Millbarge : [Nods triumphantly] 

• Col. Rhumbus : It is my job to evaluate your character types.

  [looking at his clipboard] 

  Col. Rhumbus : I have finished my evaluations.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : What does it say?

  Austin Millbarge : [glancing at the clipboard]  Pussies.

• Austin Millbarge : Hard to believe its been only 15 minutes since I destroyed the world. In another 15 minutes, it'll all be over. Such a short time to destroy a world. And to think my high school guidance counselor said I'd never amount to anything.

• Austin Millbarge : For once I'm completely in agreement with my partner. I'm not going down there. Do you know what those things can do? Suck the paint off your house and give your family a permanent orange afro.

• Austin Millbarge : They're saying it'll be 28 minutes before the rocket detonates above it's target, somewhere inside the continental United States. Let's see, 28 minutes, that's 18 until it's inside the US radar cup, figure 2 for our response, say 20 until total commitment, I figure, 20-22 until the first impact of our retaliatory strike. I figure we have 42 minutes until the end of civilization as we know it.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : [to Karen]  You a - want to go out with a bang?

  Karen Boyer : I beg your pardon?

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : It was just an idea.

  Karen Boyer : You know, if we were sitting in a bar, I'd throw a drink right in your face. But, under the circumstances, its not such a bad idea.

• Austin Millbarge : [Listening to faint music]  It's... "Soul Finger" by the Bar Kays

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : They must be havin' a hard time getting gigs.

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : What did she say?

  Austin Millbarge : She wants to know why we'd do such a thing.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Tell her so do we.

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : [catches a live grenade]  Hey! What's this?

  Austin Millbarge : You don't want it!

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : [stands up and casually throws the grenade back] 

• Austin Millbarge : These are the Yusufzai. They're Afghani freedom fighters! They're our allies!

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Oh! We're Americans!

• Austin Millbarge : Find a rock! Go the the SatScram terminal! Smash that thing!

  [Fitz-Hume smashes terminal] 

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : It's broken.

  Austin Millbarge : Bring it here.

  [Fitz-Hume shrugs and walks towards Milbarge holding rock instead of the terminal] 

  Austin Millbarge : Not the rock.

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : Well, what are you saying? That they're Spies Like Us?

  Austin Millbarge : They're spies - but, not necessarily on our side.

• Austin Millbarge : I think we can recall it.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : What do you mean recall it? You mean, like a defective Pinto?

• Austin Millbarge : [selects a Trivial Pursuit card]  Comrade, okay, what Little Richard song was the title of a 1950s movie starring Jayne Mansfield?

  Russian Rocket Crew #1 : Guud Golly, Miss Molly?

  Russian Rocket Crew #2 : Great Balls of Fire?

  Austin Millbarge : Wrong! It was "The Girl Can't Help It."

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Sorry! You lose.

  Karen Boyer : Eastern Europe?

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Eastern Europe.

• [Ninjas emerge and surround Millbarge and Fitz-Hume] 

  Austin Millbarge : We need a plan.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Let's play dead.

• [Arguing surgical techniques] 

  Austin Millbarge : We mock what we don't understand.

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : Feet!

  Austin Millbarge : Hat!

• Austin Millbarge : They aren't doctors.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : What do you mean?

  Austin Millbarge : That metal case she was packing on her horse.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Well, what about it?

  Austin Millbarge : It's a Sat Scrambler Terminal - sophisticated system for sending, scrambling, receiving and unscrambling satellite messages.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : So, she's a sophisticated woman.

  Austin Millbarge : It's a highly classified piece of intelligence hardware.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : So, she's a high class, intelligent piece!

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : I think it's our duty as American operatives to follow her and find out what she's up to.

  Austin Millbarge : You just want to follow her.

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : No.

  Austin Millbarge : You're thinkin' with your dick!

• Austin Millbarge : No wonder neither of you could do that appendix operation. You're Spies Like Us!

  Karen Boyer : You mean you're...

  Austin Millbarge : Austin Milbarge. I'm a GLG-20.

• Austin Millbarge : [while rescuing Fitz-Hume]  You know, I must really like you, because I don't like horses and I hate guns!

• Austin Millbarge : And now, the first incision. - - - And now, I will incise...

  Emmett Fitz-Hume : Cut the sucker!

• Austin Millbarge : Listen, Fitz-Hume is in the custody of the Tajik Highway Patrol because of you.

• Emmett Fitz-Hume : Okay, Dostoevsky, what does it say?

  Austin Millbarge : It says: approach SS-50, source programmable rocket.