- Paula Rigsby: I should have known it would come to this the day you flunked out of medical school.
- Victor Rigsby: I did not flunk out! I withdrew for health reasons.
- Paula Rigsby: Right. Insufficient brain.
- Gus Barrett: Son, you could be a doctor, or a lawyer, or even the president of the United States. Me, all I know how to do is fix things.
- [the toaster he has been working on bursts into flames. Gus hurries to put out the fire]
- Gus Barrett: So... uh, what's for dinner?
- Leo Kohlmeyer: [singing] On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball when somebody sneezed.
- [sighs]
- Leo Kohlmeyer: Aw, Oscar... it's just not the same without the harmony.
- [press conference at his house]
- Victor Rigsby: It's alright. Anything Uncle Oscar wanted is okay by us. And besides, there's nothing we can do about it.
- [cut to attorney's office]
- Victor Rigsby: What do you mean, there's nothing we can do about it?
- Bart: [learning to read, so going very slow] in... the... days... of... the... pioneers... the ma, ma, Mississippi, was... trav... eled... on by many steam, steam, steambaths!
- Leo Kohlmeyer: Steamboats for crying out loud!
- Bart: Oh yeah, steamboats! Thanks! Wait, who said that?
- [looks around, then back to the cat]
- Bart: . Mr. Leo?
- Leo Kohlmeyer: Yes, yes. In the days of the pioneers the Mississippi was traveled on by many steamBOATS!
- Bart: You can read!
- Leo Kohlmeyer: Of course I can read! And you could too, if you would only pay attention and learn to concentrate better!
- Bart: You can talk, but ah...!
- Leo Kohlmeyer: [interrupts] That's right! And I can see, and hear, and taste, and touch. Just like you! Correct that, better than you! Now bring that book over to the table before you drive me bananas!
- Bart: [Bart picks up the book and follows Leo]
- Leo Kohlmeyer: Now, sit down. We're going to go over a few simple, easy steps that will help you. Number 1. Put the book on the table, and sit facing it.
- Bart: [Bart is wriggling in his chair trying to get comfortable]
- Leo Kohlmeyer: Hey. Number 2. Stop wriggling around.
- [Bart sits still]
- Leo Kohlmeyer: . Number 3. Start off with a few words, read them slowly and sound them out, then move on.
- Bart: But that's so slow!
- Leo Kohlmeyer: Trust me, kid. If you practice, it will get faster. And Number 4. If you're stumped, ask for help. You must have known steambaths was the wrong word.
- Bart: Yeah, but sometimes these books are so weird, you can't even tell!
- Leo Kohlmeyer: Ask anyway.
- Bart: OK, should I start over?
- Leo Kohlmeyer: Yes. But later. Right now, you and I need to discuss something that we need to fix, right away!
- [Leo jumps off the table]
- Leo Kohlmeyer: Howard, don't take another step.
- [Howard stops walking, looks around the room, confused]
- Howard Piggans: Either I'm hearing things or that liver's a little *too* fresh.
- Leo Kohlmeyer: Your hearing is fine, Howard.
- [Howard stares at Leo, then drops the liver and grabs his head in panic]
- Howard Piggans: Oh no! Oh no! I've finally lost it! I've gone off the deep end! I knew I couldn't stay well for long!
- Leo Kohlmeyer: Yes, but now that you've hit bottom, there's no place to go but up.
- Howard Piggans: The cat. I'm listening to a talking cat. Well, I'm hallucinating. I should've listened to the doc!
- Leo Kohlmeyer: Nah, Rigsby's a phony. Work with me.
- Howard Piggans: [stares] You?
- Leo Kohlmeyer: Absolutely. You know, I've studied a great deal of psychology. I'm really quite an expert. Now, lie down.
- [Howard hesitates, then slowly moves toward the bed]
- Howard Piggans: [muttering] "Lie down"... eh, why not? He studied psychology.
- Minister's Wife: [Victor and Paula are meeting with the Minister and his wife, Paula is serving oer d'oeuvres] Oh, those look yummy!
- [loud knock at the door, Paula has pulled back the tray from in front of the minister's wife]
- Paula Rigsby: Excuse us a moment!
- [Paula and Victor walk toward the door]
- Paula Rigsby: [whispering] Who do you think it is?
- Victor Rigsby: Howard?
- Paula Rigsby: [whispering] Or the police!
- Victor Rigsby: [opens the door, Howard rushes in]
- Howard Piggans: Doc! Doc! You were right! For the first time in my life, I feel so relieved! All my troubles, are just... caged away!
- [Howard has kidnapped Leo as instructed via hypnotic suggestion by Victor in a therapy session]
- Victor Rigsby: That's great Howard! Now, where's the cat?
- Howard Piggans: In the car.
- Victor Rigsby: Great! Well, let's go get him!
- Howard Piggans: No No No! Wait, No No! You see, I can't do that! See? I'm going to keep the cat. That way, when I have a problem, I can just put it... in the cage with the cat!
- Paula Rigsby: [loud whisper] VICTOR!
- Victor Rigsby: Howard, you don't need the cat! You're fine!
- Howard Piggans: No! And as long as I have it, I'll never need you again!
- [pushes Victor over, knocking him into the small table by the door, which breaks a vase, and his back]
- Victor Rigsby: Ahhhh! My back!
- Paula Rigsby, Minister's Wife: [both move to stand over Victor] Great plan, Victor!
- Victor Rigsby: Uhhhhhhh.
- [passes out from the pain]
- Nurse: Doctor, something very odd just happened. It's probably nothing...
- Doctor: Yes, what is it?
- Nurse: Well, I was just walking past Mr. Kohlmeyer's room and I heard two people talking. Two distinct voices. But when I looked inside, there wasn't anyone else there, just Mr. Kohlmeyer.
- Doctor: Nurse Roper, the mind plays strange tricks as the end draws near.
- Nurse: But... Doctor, I'm not dying, he is.
- Doctor: Yes, dear, I know. I'm a doctor, remember? And the doctor says, if a man wants to talk to himself in his final hours... let him.
- Leo Kohlmeyer: Oh, boy! At last! Suppertime. What'd you bring me? Shrimp scampi? Chicken cacciatore?
- Bart: Not exactly. I couldn't find anything on your list, so I brought you this.
- [opens his backpack and takes out a bag of fast food]
- Bart: Cheeseburger and some French fries!
- Leo Kohlmeyer: Oh. How, uh... unassuming.
- Leo Kohlmeyer: [giving Bart a list of acceptable meals] So, have you got all of it?
- Bart: I think so.
- [reading]
- Bart: French champagne. Dover fillet... of sole. Veal corduroy.
- Leo Kohlmeyer: Cordon bleu. Cordon bleu. Please, no mistakes. You'll have me eating somebody's pants legs.