Amazon Women on the Moon (1987)
Steve Guttenberg: Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s")
Photos
Quotes
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Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : [blind date, he knocks at her apartment door, she opens] Karen?
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Hi.
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Hi. I'm Jerry Stone.
[enters]
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Hi, Jerry, nice meeting you. I'm sorry, I'm running a little bit late.
[closes the door]
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Oh, don't worry about it. You look nice
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Thank you.
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : [looking around] This is a great apartment.
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : [off to bathroom mirror to check up on how she looks] Thanks.
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : [uses breath spray, stands mesmerized by the sight of the lovely girl preening herself] Uh, I hope you like sushi. I made reservations at, uh, Tokyo Rose on Columbus.
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Great. I hear it's terrific.
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Normally there's a waiting list, but I know the maitre d'.
[she emerges from bathroom, goes to hall closet]
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : You know, I gotta tell you, I never go on blind dates, but, uh, I just have a feeling that this might be special.
[she is putting on a leather coat]
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Jerry, before we leave, do me one small favor, will you?
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Sure. What?
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Would you mind showing me a credit card and a valid driver's license?
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : You're kidding. Why?
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Well, I'd like to run a couple's compatibility check.
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : What... what the heck is that?
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : You know, Jerry, it's tough being a single girl in the big city. You meet all kinds of phonies and creeps. That's why this machine comes in handy. I just enter your I.D., and the central computer will tell me all about your background.
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : [chuckles] I don't want a bank loan. I just wanna take you out.
[laughs]
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : I know, but I'd feel better running a security check. Two I.D.'s please.
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : You're serious.
[she nods, machine beeps, and he takes out his wallet]
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : It'll just take a minute.
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : This is ridiculous, but, uh...
[hands over the cards, as she punches number pad]
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : here's, uh...
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : [speaking on phone] Three-one-six.
[smiling at him]
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : That's a cute picture.
[soft laugh]
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Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : [handing back his cards as machine scans his dating records] I don't know how I ever got along without one or these. Changed my life.
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Feel the same way about my VCR. Ooh,
[checks watch]
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : hey, right now, I'm taping Sophie's Choice with Meryl Streep.
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : I love Meryl Streep.
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : [piously] Oh, I am so into her.
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Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : [reading his personal data printouts, giggling] This is great!
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : What? What?
[laughs]
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : [giggles] Oh.
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : What you got there?
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : [roguish smile, but then:] Uh-oh.
[her bubble bursts, and she sighs]
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Uh-oh. What's... what's uh-oh?
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Jerry...
[sits down]
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Does the name Debbie Rothenberg mean anything to you?
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Uh... Debbie Rothenberg... uh, oh yeah... I think I went out with her once or twice.
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : [snaps] You had sex with her on the second date, and then you never called her again.
[turns away]
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : I hate it when guys do that.
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : [wide-eyed] It says all that?
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Does the phrase "You're not only beautiful, but you're someone I feel I can open up to" mean anything to you?
[he chuckles guiltily]
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : I'm not surprised. You've used that line on your last sixteen dates.
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Okay, this is ridiculous. Debbie, uh, Karen... I think we have something very special here. You're not like the other women you...
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : ...you meet in the city. See what I mean? And, Jerry, I could never get serious about someone who's selfish in bed.
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : [repeating, dumbfounded] "Who's selfish in bed"?
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Well,
[gets up]
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : how would you describe a man who... satisfies his own needs and rolls over and goes to sleep?
[walks off to go put away her coat]
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : [indignated] I never did that in my life!
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : [jumps back] Eleven times! You want names and dates?
[she has the info]
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : No, no, I do not! Look, hey, hold it! Anyway, that is just a small fraction of the hundreds of times I've been intimate with women.
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : [the coat is back in the closet] We're exaggerating a little, aren't we, Jerry?
[scoffs, consults info]
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : I mean, the record only shows twenty-one sexual intimacies.
[hands it to him]
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : There you are.
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Look, look, hey, this doesn't jibe with my figures.
[impatient now]
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Okay, sweetie?
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Jerry, the statistics don't paint the picture of a mature man. Twelve times, you ignored your date at a party to flirt with a more attractive woman. A hundred-and-sixty-nine times, you feigned interest when a woman was talking about her career. On seventeen occasions, you lied to women telling them you were really into sushi and Meryl Streep movies.
[he's really wide-eyed]
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Make that eighteen times.
[walks away in disgust]
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Wh-wh-where do they get these figures?
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : [holds the door open for him] As you can see, Jerry, it would be pointless for you and I to go out.
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Oh, yeah?
[starts leaving]
Jerry (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Well, I'm gonna get one of these machines and see how well you come off! Okay?
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Good night, Jerry.
[sarcastic]
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : It's early yet. Maybe you can still get lucky in a bar.
[closes door, then peers out again]
Karen (segment "Two I.D.'s") : Like you did last Thursday!
[slams door shut]
