Eddie Murphy: Raw (1987)

Eddie Murphy: Self

Photos 

Quotes 

• Eddie Murphy : Richard said, "The next time the motherfucker call, tell him I said, "Suck *my* dick." I don't give a fuck. Whatever the fuck make the people laugh, say that shit. Do the people laugh when you say what you say?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Do you get paid?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Well, tell Bill I said have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up. Jello pudding-eating motherfucker."

• [Bill Cosby has called Eddie to complain about bad language in Eddie's act] 

  Eddie Murphy : Now I can't have no 'curse' show, I mean I gotta throw in a few jokes in between the curses, I can't come out and go "Hello! Filth flar'n filth, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot, and shit. Good night! Suck my dick!"

• Eddie Murphy : Hey, don't mind the cameras, everyone. They're filming a movie up in here. And

  [shouts] 

  Eddie Murphy : y'all gonna be in it! Only *I'm* the only one gonna get paid, the motherfucker.

• Eddie Murphy : I'm sadistic. I go to the supermarkets to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.

• Eddie Murphy : [as Bill Cosby]  Yoouuu cannot say filth flarn filth flarn filth in front of people!

  Eddie Murphy : And I said, "I never said no filth flarn filth! I don't know what you're talking about! I'm offended that you called! Fuck you!" And that's when Bill got raw on me!

  Eddie Murphy : [as Bill Cosby]  That's what I'm talking about! Yoouuuuu cannot say... fuck!

• Eddie Murphy : [Talking about a fight that happened at a club he was at]  And at the end, everybody sued me. Claiming I whipped they ass. I'm 5ft 10in, I weigh 180lbs. I cannot whip a disco's ass by myself.

• Eddie Murphy : White people can't dance. I'm not being racist; it's true. Just like when white people say black people have big lips, it's not racist; it's true. Black people have big lips, white people can't dance. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, "What are those niggers doing in here?" They watchin' y'all dance. And they're like, "Look at these crazy muthafuckas." Y'all be stepping on people's feet and hitting one another.

• Eddie Murphy : She whined, "What have you done for me *lately*, Eddie?" I was like..."*Bitch*! You was butt-naked on a zebra last month!"

• Eddie Murphy : [imitating Richard Pryor]  You ever get like sometimes ye get on that toilet and ye shit, that water splash up on yo' ass? Don't that make ye mad, right? You know what really make mad is when the shit is halfway out, then go back up in that mothafocka. Why do shit be teasin' yo' ass? Just get the fuck out, right? You know what really make me mad is when yo' ass don' cooperate whicha then clinch up and break the shit in half? You be mad like a motherfucker too coz you gotta whip yo' ass for 5 hours. Use 12 roles o' toilet paper on that mothafocka. You know what really bother me is when you be strainin' for a long time and one lil' pebble shit comes out? Y' want some shit this big right? Stick yo' head up your ass and say: That all the shit I'm gonn' get mothafocka? And it's afterwards right, when you done with shit, you done all the shittin' you gonna do for the whole day and you flush that toilet and one chunk come back... WHAT DOES THAT CHUNK WANT?

• Eddie Murphy : There's a song out now called "Ain't Nothin' Goin' on But the Rent." So when a man asks a woman "Hey, baby! What's going on?" The woman will say, "The rent, motherfucker!"

• Eddie Murphy : [imitating his father who is singing Motown songs but messing up the lyrics]  If I have to beg and plead to the symphony...

  ["If I have to beg and plead for your sympathy"] 

• Eddie Murphy : The brothers went to court and got educated on the judge. All of a sudden, it was like, "Can you state your case?"

  [gangsta voice] 

  Eddie Murphy : "Uh, yes, Your Honor. On the evening in question, per se, Your Honor... yo, check it out, Your Honor. I was just out the disco, right? Coolin', right? I went in with my girl, right, and my girl starts illin', says "There go Eddie Murphy." Started actin' all tipsy and shit. I said, "Where, where?" She go, "Over there." I say, "Fuck that big-nosed motherfucker!" I make my money just like him, right, Your Honor, cuz I don't give a fuck, I ain't gittin on nobody's jobs, you know? So, Your Honor, check it out, right? What happened, what happened then, right? I said, "Yo, what you want me go get the motherfucker's autograph?" I got the autograph for my girl, walked over and said, "Yo, Ed? Sign this autograph."

  [pause] 

  Eddie Murphy : Then Ed said, "I ain't signing a *motherfuckin'* thing! Fuck you and your ugly bitch!" I said, "Yo, Ed, I'll bust your ass for sayin' shit like that." He say, "Wh-Where, motherfucker, I'll kill-" And he ran over to my woman and slapped her in the face, Your Honor! Then he slapped me and my man in the face, all three of us like the Three Stooges, Your Honor! 12 million! 12!

  [normal] 

  Eddie Murphy : I was disgusted.

  Man in Audience : Half!

  Eddie Murphy : [gangsta voice]  Yeah, Your Honor, give us half his shit!

• Eddie Murphy : I went out and I went shopping. And I was waiting on the line and I saw the Enquirer magazine while I was waiting on the line and I saw Johnny Carson on the front page. There was a picture of him like this.

  [makes a sad face] 

  Eddie Murphy : Then I said, "What's up with Johnny?" I turned to the inside story and his wife was on the other page and she was like this

  [makes a happy face holding out a hand] 

  Eddie Murphy : . And over her head it said, "Johnny's wife wants half Johnny's money." I turned that shit back to Johnny.

  [makes a sad face again] 

  Eddie Murphy : Then I started thinking about it. Half. If you... If you have $5 and have to give somebody $2.50, you'd be upset. Johnny had to have at least 300 million. And have to give up $150 million? And they wasn't even married but ten years. And $150 million? Get... Give me a fucking break. What...? What...? And ladies... Now, here's a woman right here saying, "Right on." Baby, that's not fair. Not no 150 million. I see a lot of you ladies going: "Get all the money you can, shit. I'm glad she did get all that money. She earned it. She earned it. That... You damn right. She was married to him, she deserved that money." Get the fuck out of my face with that bullshit. No. Stop it. No, don't get me wrong. If you marry somebody and neither one of you have anything and you build 300 million together, you deserve half. But Johnny was 300 million in when they met. And I'm quite sure she knew. Johnny says, "Hey, I'm Johnny." She was like, "I know who you are, motherfucker." And they got married, broke up, shit didn't work out. And then he had to give her $150 million of his money. I know a lot of housewives sitting out there going: "You can't put a price on what I do." But, ladies, if you marry a man with $300 million, you ain't no regular housewife. You ain't got to clean the house no more. You get a maid. You ain't cleaning shit! You marry a man with $300 million, you ain't cooking. You're eating out. You marry... You know how a lot of housewives gotta get jobs on the side to help make ends meet? He got 300 million, the ends are meeting like a motherfucker. What you gonna do, get a job at a boutique on the weekends and shit? And say, "Here, Johnny. I made $70, put that with the rest. Now we have $300 million and 70. Because I want to do my share." No. All you have to do, you marry a man with $300 million, is fuck your husband. That's it! That's your job. Fuck your husband! That's it. That's... Just fuck your husband. You fill out a W-2, they say, "What you do?" You say, "I fuck my husband." That's it. And I've had my share of pussy. I have yet... Even if the pussy was great and sparks shot out the woman's ass and cannons blared and the mountains crumbled and the seas roared, no pussy is worth $150 million! No pussy. I'd like to meet some pussy like that. Put the shit on layaway. That shit scared the shit out of me. Half? I was petrified.

• Eddie Murphy : I got a lot of foreigners that come over. People from other countries have seen my films and come over to the U.S., because New York is a tourist place, and they get HBO and they catch Delirious and they can't speak English and try to do my act and all they got is the curses. I got foreigners from all over walking up, going: "Eddie Murphy! Fuck you!"

  [smiles] 

  Eddie Murphy : "Fuck you, Eddie. I know you. I see you on television. You're the 'fuck you' man, right? I love it. Suck my dick, huh? Suck it, you black motherfucker. I love it. The best motherfucker. The 'fuck you' man." Made me stay in the house, man.

• Eddie Murphy : [Repeated line; imitating a guy who can't answer a question asked to him by a high maintenance woman]  Well I... well I... well I...