The Great Outdoors (1988)
Dan Aykroyd: Roman Craig
Photos
Quotes
-
Roman : Good evening. How's it going? Listen, girls... uh... as your father, I feel it incumbent upon me to set the record straight on the validity of the tale which Uncle Chet shared with us this evening. I know that a terrifying story like that coming from the mouth of a recognized authority figure could be traumatizing for kids like yourselves; I know that, because I had a similar experience with my uncle Roy and a story he used to tell, about a family who went into the woods and was attacked by a band of escaped Army psychiatric patients who'd been subjected to violent, hellish, torturous behavior-modification experiments. It seems they escaped from the metal boxes the Army kept them in, found his family in the woods, fell upon them, slaughtered them and ate them. Now that story - phew - it gave me nightmares not to be believed. Well I thought that Uncle Chet's story upset you in the same way. I'm here to say that there actually is NO bear, and that all that Uncle Chet was saying was just a yarn... spinning for our... entertainment. And even if there were a bear out there, I'm in the house. To protect you. So uh... no more thinking about bears. Alright? No more thinking about unpleasant things. We're gonna close our eyes and dream about nice things. About cuddly, soft, fluffy things. Okay? Super. Good night. Sleep tight.
-
Roman : [while barbequing lobsters] How about the gourmet here, you know what he wanted? Hotdogs! You know what they make those things out of, Chet? You know? Lips and assholes!
-
Roman : I gotta go to the John, I'll be right back. Gonna introduce Mr Thick Dick to Mr Urinal Cake!
-
[Chet is eating the last bite of the 96 ounce steak]
Roman : I think that just about does it.
Grill Chef : He's not done yet!
Roman : It might take him a moment for that last bite to go down, but it will go down!
Grill Chef : That ain't the last bite!
Roman : Well sure it is, there is nothing on that plate but gristle and fat!
[the Chef raises his eyebrows]
Roman : No Problem. If i can get a dessert down him, think you can throw in a couple of Paul Bunyan hat's for the kids?
-
Roman : Honey?
Kate Craig : [in the shower] Yes?
Roman : How come Chet's kids look at him like he's Zeus and ours look at me like I'm a rack of yard tools at Sears? Why can't they connect with me?
Kate Craig : Well, maybe if you spent less time at work and more time with us, it would...
Roman : Put a cork in it honey, I'm on the phone!
-
Roman : There's no mystery here, Chet. I know how you really feel about me.
Chet : Do you?
Roman : Yeah, and I knew that if I was ever to give you something, you figure there'd be strings attached.
Chet : Is that a fact?
Roman : Yeah, that's a fact. At our wedding, you were in the john, Kate and Connie's dad. You were talking. Do you happen to remember the substance of that conversation?
Chet : No I don't.
Roman : Well, I do, and it's one I'll never forget. I heard you say - and I quote - "that Roman Craig is a crooked son of a bitch". Next time you stab somebody in the back, Chester, you better check under the stalls for feet. You may think I'm made out of armor and nails, man, but when I get cut, it hurts. That cut me, and I hurt.
Chet : Roman, I'm really sorry. I had a lot to drink that night. I really don't remember saying that, but if you said I did, then I must have. I apologize to you both. It was a terrible thing to say.
Roman : Look, I don't hold grudges, and I don't have any hard feelings. To show you I'm the type of guy who can forgive and forget, well, I'd still like to offer you a piece of that investment.
-
Kate Craig : Ahh!
[Kate and Roman run out of their bedroom]
Roman : What?
Kate Craig : It touched me!
Roman : It's been touching you for 12 years, you never freak!
Kate Craig : Not you!
[Kate hits Roman on the arm]
Kate Craig : A thing.
Roman : What thing?
Chet : [Comes out of his bedroom, along with the rest of the family, and turns on the lights] What's going on?
Kate Craig : That thing!
[Points to a bat]
Roman : Oh, it's just a little sparrow.
Kate Craig : C'mon Roman, it's got ears!
Buck Ripley : Jesus!
[Everyone screams and runs out of the cabin]
-
Roman : You wouldn't know a good time if it fell out of the sky and landed on your face and started to wiggle!
-
[the family has just returned from a restaurant where Chet finished a 96oz steak. They find that raccoons have overturned the garbage cans]
Roman : Look at the size of the maggots on that meat!
-
Roman : [the family are all seated in the cabin's living room and Roman notices Chet at the fireplace] Now, what are you up to?
Chet : [irritably] What does it look like I'm up to?
Roman : Well, it looks like you're wanking your crank.
Chet : I'm trying to get a fire going, all right?
Roman : Well, you might as well pour ice cubes in there. You're never gonna get a fire going that way. You don't crumple a newspaper up.
[making jerking motions]
Roman : You twist it! Twist it! Lengthwise to stimulate kindling. That's how you get it going.
Chet : [annoyed] Maybe, Roman, just maybe, I'm trying to heat the flue.
Roman : [to the others, sarcastically] Oh, he's heating the flue. Meanwhile, the human beings in the room are freezing to death.
Connie Ripley : [spiteful] I'm not really cold. Not at all.
Kate Craig : [sarcastic, to Connie] Oh, thank you for sharing that. Thank you.
Chet : [mockingly] I'm SO sorry, Roman, forgive me. Why don't you come over here and show me how it's done? You talk a great game. Come on, let's see a little action. After all, you know everything. You know exactly what to do at any given moment.
Roman : [insulted, to Kate] Katie, you were absolutely right. We should have gone to Europe or maybe even Haiti, or Antartica, or the Dead Sea! Would've had a LOT more fun!
[gets up and walks to the other side of the room]
Chet : Is that a fact? Well, nobody forced you to come up HERE, buddy boy. In fact, I don't remember anyone inviting you up here.
[to Connie]
Chet : Do you remember inviting him? I sure as hell don't.
Roman : [walking towards Chet] And what exactly is that statement supposed to mean?
Chet : You figure it out for yourself.
Roman : No, no, you specify, you clarify Just as a common courtesy, if you don't mind.
Roman : [to Roman, without looking up from her sewing] You know damn well what he means.
Connie Ripley : I think what they're trying to say that we're not welcome!
Chet : [sarcastic] Oh-ho, what did I hear? We've got a bingo! You DID figure it out, Kate!
Roman : [sneers] So, it's all starting to finally ooze out. It's very interesting, though, isn't it, Katie?
Roman : Yeah, VERY!
Roman : Especially, since we threw aside OUR plans, and we had a great European vacation planned, threw aside OUR plans to come up here to show these dead-asses how to start learning to have a good time! Thanks a lot for ruining my vacation, Ripley.
Chet : [while trying to light a match, he breaks it in anger] What WAS that? Ruining your vacation, is that what you said? Oh, come on, I DON'T believe, I don't believe I heard you say THAT.
Chet : [jabs his finger to Chet's chest] You'd BETTER believe it!
Chet : [jabbing his finger hard into Roman's chest] DON'T PUSH IT, ROMAN!
Chet : You ain't even seen PUSHING yet! You know what the trouble is with you, Ripley? You wouldn't know a good time if it fell out of the sky, landed on your face, and started to wiggle!
Roman : [seething] Oh, you got an awful lot of nerve, Roman. A lot of nerve.
Roman : Serves me well. I'M the one with the Mercedes.
Roman : [egging Roman on] Oh! Ah!
Chet : By the way, is it paid for?
Roman : Are you jealous, CHESTER?
Chet : [jabs his finger into Roman's chest] DON'T call me Chester! You call me that one more time, you'll be going home with a dent in your forehead!
Kate Craig : [stands up to join Roman] Oh-ho, yeah, that'll be the day!
Kate Craig : [to Kate] Would you like one to match his?
Roman : [outraged] Hey, take your hands off her!
[puts up his fists]
Roman : YOU WANT TO GO, RIGHT NOW?
Buck Ripley : [steps in to separate them] Dad, Dad, it's okay. Nobody's denting anybody.
Roman : Thanks, Bucky.
Buck Ripley : [takes off his scarf and throws into Roman's hands] Oh, bite the big one, Uncle Roman!
Connie Ripley : [to Buck, scolding] Hey, don't talk to adults that way!
Buck Ripley : [to Connie] Why not?
Roman : [to Buck] BECAUSE it's rude!
-
[Chet's brother-in-law Roman Craig and his family have arrived, unannounced, at the holiday resort]
Roman : What a gas! Chet's gonna shit a solid gold brick when he sees us, what a great surprise!
-
Kate Craig : [during a big row] Roman, why don't we just get out of here, come on honey. Come on girls, let's go!
Roman : Good idea.
[they go upstairs]
Chet : Well, it's the first good idea you've had since you've been here. And by the way, don't steal any of our stuff.
Kate Craig : Ha ha, what stuff is there to steal?
Connie Ripley : We got stuff!
-
Roman : Why do Chet's kids look at him like he's Zeus and my kids look at me like I'm a rack of lawn tools at Sears?
-
Chet : You'll have to excuse my brother-in-law. He gets a couple of cocktails in him and he becomes an expert on everything.
Roman : I don't need cocktails for that. Was that a shot?
Chet : No, that was the truth.
Roman : Oh, that was a shot!
Chet : That... was a shot.
Roman : [to the bartender] Speaking of shots, set us up!
-
[Chet and Roman are arguing]
Chet : You've got an awful lot of nerve, Roman, a lot of nerve.
Roman : It's served me well, I'm the one with the Mercedes.
Chet : By the way, is it paid for?
Roman : Are you jealous? Chester!
Chet : Don't call me Chester! Call me that one more time and you're gonna go home with a dent in your forehead!
Kate Craig : Oh yeah, that'll be the day!
Chet : Would you like one to match his?
Roman : [raising his fists] Hey, take it easy! You wanna go right now?
Buck Ripley : [breaking them apart] Dad, dad, dad. No one's denting anybody.
Roman : Thanks, Bucky.
Buck Ripley : Oh, bite the big one, Uncle Roman!
Connie Ripley : Hey, don't talk to adults that way!
Buck Ripley : Why not?
Roman : Because it's rude.
Connie Ripley : Oh, blow it out your ass!
-
Kate Craig : [after Roman's phone call seems to end abruptly] Maybe he hung up on you?
Roman : Why would a minister hang up on me? I've been to his church.
Kate Craig : Oh, yeah - once.
-
Roman : All kids like bugs. They're cute. Especially fireflies. Their butts light up!
-
Roman : youre a smart man let me ask a question why would you want to come up to a primitive no man's land and live like a barbarian for a week?
-
Connie Ripley : I just don't feel like this. Can you understand that. I'm tired, I'm stinky.
Chet : Come on.
Connie Ripley : What are you doing? Come on.
Chet : Come on. We got the house by ourselves.
Connie Ripley : What about the kids?
Chet : What *about* the kids? They're down the lake.
Connie Ripley : I don't - let's go to the bedroom then.
Chet : Why? That's the great thing about being in the North Woods. You can run around naked as a bear and not worry about running into anybody.
Connie Ripley : Is that right?
Chet : Yes.
[kiss]
Connie Ripley : Really?
[kiss]
Chet : Do you think it's possible that we could play - fashion parade?
Connie Ripley : I don't want to play.
Chet : Why?
Connie Ripley : You get to wear the good outfits.
Chet : Oh, no. I'll let you wear them.
Connie Ripley : You will?
Chet : Now, ah, you will be Shelana. Shelana, yes. And I will be Burt. Or I could be Smokey's cousin Horny.
[unsnaps Connie's bra]
Connie Ripley : He has endurance too.
Chet : Yes, he does. Mmm...
Roman : [walking in with Kate and their twin daughters] Anybody home?
-
Roman : Chet, I'm gonna level with you. I'm a phony, a fraud, a fake. From my imitation Bally slip-ons to our replicated Rolexes.
-
Roman : We're busted.
Kate Craig : We're busted?
-
Roman : I see the underdeveloped resources of northern Minnesota, Wisconsin, and Michigan. I see a syndicated development consortium exploiting over a billion and a half dollars in forest products. I see a paper mill, and if the strategic metals are there, a mining operation. A greenbelt between the condos on the lake and a waste management facility, focusing on the newest rage in toxic waste: medical refuse. Infected bandages, body parts, IV tubing, contaminated glassware, entrails, syringes, fluids, blood, low grade radioactive waste, all safely contained, sunken in the lake and sealed for centuries. Now, I ask you, what do you see?
