Cold Heat (1989) Poster

(1989)

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Almost so bad it's good.
aloep22 February 2007
Warning: Spoilers
Sometimes I should maybe listen to other people's opinions. IMDb reviewer "croc (DRM) from United Kingdom" gave this an extremely negative review stating that he was excruciatingly bored by it but in his description he said it was dominated by "lengthy car (and the odd motorcycle and plane) chases in which a whole load of cars crash, burn, fly up in the air and roll over a few times.". Wow, I thought "This sounds like my kind of movie". I love car chase films and if it is dominated by car chases and filmed in picturesque Arizona and Nevada I thought "How bad could it really be?" so when I saw it cheap I decided to give it a try.

So after viewing the film how bad was it? Insanely, incredibly, unbelievably bad. As bad as your mind will be able to comprehend. Fortunately though, it's so incompetent in all areas that after a while I couldn't look away and I actually laughed pretty hard on several occasions. It's not the best example of a film that's "so bad it's good" but it's worth a shot if you like torturing yourself with some of the worst crap ever produced.

The plot involves a mob couple who have split, played by John Philip Law and Britt Ekland. When the wife (Britt Ekland) is granted custody of their young son, the bitter husband (John Philip Law) sends a team to "kidnap" him and take him back. The wife then hires some alcoholic down and out friend to track down and bring the kid back. He accomplishes this with great success, taking some female employee of John Philip Law hostage with him. The rest of the film involves them getting chased by the mobster's goons (by plane, usually) and a dozen police cars.

The first car chase is composed entirely of about 40% stock footage from some other film, another 40% is cops talking about the chase over their radios in cars and helicopters with only static white voids visible out their windows and the other 20% is taken up by an astonishingly bad actor making pained expressions while turning the steering wheel of a static vehicle. There is zero continuity in the chase footage. They don't even have a car which matches the one used in the stock footage because you never even see the characters enter or exit the vehicle. In fact, there is not a single attempt to make it look like they were really there. In many shots you can see there is one driver and no passenger in the car, but we are meant to believe there are 2 passengers. I don't know what film the chase footage is from, but judging by the cars I would guess it's mid 1970's, not 1989 when this film was made. It's filmed in rolling farmland which could be virtually anywhere in the United States EXCEPT the desert in the South West, where this is supposed to take place. We are supposed to believe it's just outside Las Vegas.

Along the line there are, double crosses, the husband and wife manage to shoot each other dead, the boy decides that neither of his parents really love him and that the guy hired to return him to his mother and his female hostage would make better parents, who conveniently happen to fall in love with each other. More chase scenes composed of stock footage which completely ignore any form of continuity ensue. The pre-teen son steals a motorcycle at one point and there's a lengthy bike chase where it's clearly visible that an adult is riding it. John Philip Law's character gives narration, even after his death. The bad guys manage to find the good guys no matter where they go because "nobody can hide for too long in the desert". Given the sheer size of the desert in the American Southwest and all the mountain ranges, I somehow think it would be just a little harder than that.

As for the acting, it's all appalling. I find it hard to pick a central character because there really isn't any. Britt Ekland and John Philip Law do nothing but sit around and never leave the one location. The three who get the most screen time are Roy Summerset, Joanne Watkins and Chance Michael Corbitt (the kid). They are all dire, but the scary thing is that the kid is probably the least irritating of the three which is an amazement. Roy Summerset and Joanne Watkins have very little other acting credits to their resume which hardly came as a surprise, they have the acting talent of your average joe randomly picked up off the street. Summerset's pained expressions while turning the steering wheel of a static car are priceless While it's not the best example of a "so bad it's good" film, it's so incompetent in every area that if you watch it with some friends and some beers you'll have a hell of a good time poking fun at it. If you see it cheap, hell why not just buy it? It's poorly written, poorly directed, poorly acted and amateurish in every way.
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1/10
The one!
henke8711 February 2004
This is probably the worst movie i have ever seen. Nothing in this movie is well-done. And the movie can be summed like this: CRAP! Don't see it! Don't go near it! DO NOT EVER LOOK AT IT! -10/5
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6/10
Has a peculiar and baffling overall tone, but do check out Cold Heat
tarbosh2200014 December 2023
Warning: Spoilers
R. C. Mallon (JPL) and his ex-wife Jackie (Ekland) are in the middle of the mother of all custody battles, if you'll excuse the expression. The fighting over their young son Kenny (Corbitt) has set in motion a chain of events that spiral into fairly outlandish proportions. Mr. Mallon hires a 1940's-style gangster named Mikey Musconi (Sacchi) to kidnap Kenny. His uncanny resemblance to a certain classic Hollywood actor notwithstanding, the former Mrs. Mallon also hires some outside help - the much more likable Mace Dawson (Summersett). Dawson is an alcoholic stunt driver of some sort. Inadvertently, Dawson also nabs Mallon employee Nancy (Watkins), and Kenny grows to like them far more than his embittered parents. Of course, all this is just window dressing so extended car/plane/motorbike chases and blow-ups may occur. Will the COLD relationship between the Mallons produce some real HEAT on the streets of Las Vegas? Dare we all find out?

Famed director Ulli Lommel is no stranger to action, having also been behind Overkill (1987) and The Big Sweat (1991). Here he combines those titles with Kramer Vs. Kramer (1979), if you can believe it. The whole thing, as you might expect, is odd and off-kilter. That's the best aspect of Cold Heat, by the way. The fact that there's some footage from The Junkman (1982) kind of sewn in there for good measure only helps with the unusual ambience.

Of course, there's a very long and drawn out chase, as Lommel did in The Big Sweat. But other possible touchstones to get across the overall feel of the film could be Hollywood Cop (1987) or Beverly Hills Brats (1989). The whole thing is inexplicably narrated by Sacchi's character. Thankfully, the score by Corneil Rivett is nicely synthy and the 'AIP film from 1989' vibe is reinforced, much to the audience's delight.

Amidst all the familial in-fighting and seemingly random blow-up footage, a new star has come out to shine. One of the police officers in the extended chase sequence is named Captain Bonk. That's right, Bonk. And he was played by a National Treasure named Zeph Hymel - if that's his real name. Shamefully, this is his one credited role. He gives an Academy Award-ready performance as Bonk. We wanted more Bonk. Sadly, we didn't get more Bonk. He should have teamed up with John Miller and they could have chewed some scenery to shreds. That would have been amazing, but he does work with a fellow officer named McBean (the actor is uncredited). The fact that Bonk & McBean did not spin off into a TV show in 1989 is a crying shame. But, as always, we should be thankful for what we've got.

In the end, if you like car chases and blow-ups (and who doesn't?) but combined with the oddness of John Philip Law, Britt Ekland, and Robert Sacchi all together, combined with Bonk & McBean, and a peculiar and baffling overall tone, do check out Cold Heat. It may not be for everyone, but we suspect it may be for you.
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I was excruciatingly bored by this car chase film
croc (DRM)15 May 2000
I cannot think of a film which I disliked more. The film is dominated by lengthy car (and the odd motorcycle and plane) chases in which a whole load of cars crash, burn, fly up in the air and roll over a few times. In between, various people are shot and beaten up.

I wasn't impressed by the quality of the acting either.

I was kind of forced to watch it through, but really longed for it to finish after about 10 minutes.
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