Earth Girls Are Easy (1988)

Geena Davis: Valerie

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Valerie : I didn't want you to think Earth girls were easy.

  Mac : What is "easy"?

  Valerie : [kissing him]  This is "easy".

• Candy : Okay you guys, what's the plan for tonight?

  Valerie : Whoa, Candy, reality check. We can't go out with these guys, they're aliens!

  Candy : So? They can still be dates!

• Candy : If you wanna be a femme fatale, you can't rest on your L'Oréals!

  Valerie : You know, I think she might be right!

  Candy : Grab the bleach, she's seen the light!

• Valerie : Aw, Wiploc, I think I'll miss you least of all.

  Wiploc : You want a liplock from Wiploc?

• Wiploc : Finland is here?

  Valerie : Finland? No, this is the Valley. Finland is the capital of Norway. Gawd, you guys sure learn fast.

• Mac : Joe, take us to hospital, please.

  Joe the Cop : Hey, clown, you're going to the slammer!

  Mac : [looks at Mike the cop, then at Valerie]  We go to slammer first.

  Valerie : [to Mac]  Listen, give them that love touch, then they'll come on to me. They'll be putty in my hands.

  Mac : You want sex with Joe and Mike?

  Valerie : No, no, just so we can get away. Do it, do it! You'll see.

• Valerie : [Frantically to Candy]  A UFO landed in my pool and they captured me but we made friends and I fed them Pop-Tarts and, um, they're here now, but Ted's coming home tonight so you've got to cut their hair.

  Owner of Beauty Shop : What did you say?

  Valerie : Oh, nothing. I'm on drugs.

  [Turns back to Candy] 

  Valerie : Candy, you've got to help them out.

  Candy : Would you listen to yourself? Valerie, no man is worth getting yourself in this state over. Mel Gibson, maybe, but not Ted! Valerie, come here, just sit down, honey, relax, have a mental margarita, and everything is...

  [Gets interrupted by Valerie] 

  Valerie : Okay, I'm going to show you something that's going to totally change your life, completely, forever. Okay?

  Candy : Well, in that case, let me get a cigarette.

• [the aliens have landed] 

  Valerie : There's a giant blow dryer in my pool.

• Valerie : As if things weren't bad enough, now I've been abducted by aliens.

• Valerie : Ted is coming home tonight and there's a UFO in my pool. A UFO!

  Candy : BFD. Ted's not going to be there for a few hours. Just chill out, Val.

• Valerie : [answering phone]  Hello? Oh, Candy! The worst thing in the world happened!

  [pause] 

  Valerie : No, Bambi's fine. It's Ted. Yeah, the blond thing did not work.

• Valerie : You brought a girl home to have sex?

  Ted : Well, you weren't supposed to be here, Val.

  Valerie : You were going to have sex without me?

• Valerie : Really, I could keep my mouth shut. I mean, I'm the kind of person that you could tell anything to and I'd never tell. Ask my cousin, Debbie. You know, she got like her boobs done and I never told anyone. Oh! Except I just told you.

• Valerie : Dr. Gallagher. Why are you looking at me like that? You want to do what? Oh, no, no. I couldn't. No! No, please. Stop! No, no! Well, all right. Ok. Let's see. Now, champagne, flowers, Sushi, feathers, um, sensual oil, right, and incense.

• Valerie : If meaningless sex is what you want, why can't you have it with me!

• Valerie : Oh, wow. If I only had about a zillion gallons of Nair.

• Valerie : Whoa! Candy, reality check. We can't go out with these guys. They're aliens!

  Candy : So? They can still be dates! Do you guys have margaritas on your planet?

  Valerie : Candy, it's just not safe. I'll give you a lift home and that's it.

  Candy : Don't get your panties in a bunch! We're with three major cute guys and it's Saturday night! Come on!

• Valerie : Wait a minute. Are you like coming on to me? Is this a pass? Because, I mean, if it is, sex is like *totally* out of the question.

  Mac : What is sex?

  Valerie : Sex? You know, making love. A man and a woman like each other and they take their clothes off and...

  Mac : Okay.

  Valerie : Well, no! No, no, no! We can't, no, because, I mean, me and Ted are, uh, are, uh, well, I guess we're not, but, I mean, uh, we can't because, I mean, you're an alien and I'm from the valley and we may not even be, you know, anatomically correct for each other. That could be - a real problem.

  [looks at naked Mac's groin] 

  Valerie : No problem. But, I mean, uh, no, no, no. I mean, it just wouldn't work! You're from out of town. The phone bills would just be hell.

• Valerie : Eat me, I'm a cupcake!

• Valerie : At the rate we've been having sex, we might as well be married already.

  Candy : It's been, like, a week?

  Valerie : Two weeks.

  Candy : Valerie, Ted's obviously a victim of PMS.

  Valerie : What?

  Candy : Pre-Marital stress.

  Valerie : Oh. What'll snap him out of it?

  Candy : A new woman.

• Valerie : I was reading an ad for these pyramids you put over the bed. They're supposed to increase sexual energy.

• Valerie : I'm just a manicurist. I don't know about anything about anything, except nails. You know, nails?

• Valerie : [singing]  I know now what you're all about, What a nightmare, My friends thought you were a dream...

• Valerie : I don't know why you abducted me anyway. I mean, I'm sure you're looking for somebody more important. You know, like Nancy Reagan.

• Valerie : You know, at first, I thought you kind of looked like a giant bigfoot or something, But now, I mean, if I didn't know that you were an alien, I would just think that you were a really cute guy. Who, I'm sure, has a girlfriend.

• Valerie : Candy, whatever you do, don't freak out.

  Candy : Valerie!

  Valerie : I mean it, don't freak out. Promise me you will not freak out.

  Candy : Stop it! You are freaking me out!

• Valerie : Can you do it?

  Candy : Does Tina Turner wear a wig?

  Valerie : That's a wig?

  Candy : That's a wig.

• Valerie : Take off your uniform.

  Head Nurse : What?

  Valerie : Take it off! Quick!

  Head Nurse : I know you. You're Teds girlfriend.

  Valerie : Strip.

  Head Nurse : I don't want any part of you or Ted or your kinky sex trips.

  Valerie : I said: Strip!

• Receptionist : Wiploc and Zeebo? What are their last names?

  Valerie : They don't have last names. They're performers like - Cher.

• Valerie : A relationship is a lot like a porcelain nail, Ted. You can break it, and you can glue it back together, but it's not going to be as strong as it was unless the person is really committed to not bringing home nurses!

• Ted : Tomorrow night. I promise.

  Valerie : I won't be here. I'll be at the nail expo. The cuticle convention, remember?

• Zeebo : My panty shields make me feel fresh all day.

  Candy : Are they straight?

  Valerie : I don't know. They're aliens!