Diggin' Up Business (1990)

Tom Pardew: Don

Quotes 

• Tesia Papadapacropolis : I'm sorry, Don. Are you wearing makeup?

  Don : Well, there's nothing wrong with it. I mean, a lot of men wear makeup. It accents the cheek bone, accentuates the jaw line. Nothing feminine about taking advantage of modern day health aids

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : It's alright. I don't mind. it's okay. What were you going to say?

  Don : Tesia, my sweet. I would be most honored

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : I'm sorry, Don. Uh, could you fix your lipstick first, please? It's real distracting.

  Don : No problem. How's that?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Better, thanks. Ah, you were saying?

  Don : Tesia, my dear. There comes a time in a man's life

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Don?

  Don : Yes, my dear?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Um, would that be a matt or a gloss?

  Don : That's a matt.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : It's nice work.

  Don : Look, Tesia. My lips are Maybelline, my eyes are Max factor, hair's Grecian formula number nine. Are there any more questions? Could I please pronounce my love for you?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : I think you're getting a bit defensive.

  Don : Darn it, Tesia. Where's the mystery? Where's the joy of discovery? We're not leaving anything for the wedding night.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Oh yes we are. We still don't know if anything else is real.

  Don : Tesia, where are you going?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Don, stop whining. You bore me sometimes.

  Don : Tesia, stop it.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Don't whine. Now, I'm going home to think over the proposal. You may take me to lunch tomorrow and we'll discuss it then.

  Don : But I haven't even proposed to you yet.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Alright, go ahead.

  Don : Will you marry me?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : I'll think about it.

• Mrs. Shlumsky : What the H.E. double toothpicks are you talking about?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Alright Mrs Shtumpsky, the gig is up. We know about the extra bodies.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Huh?

  Albert : Look, don't toy with her.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : That's right. I've covered for you and Granddad long enough. Spill it, you old fool!

  Mrs. Shlumsky : What's your problem?

  Desmond : Officers, if I may be of assistance. Apparently this mortuary has been disposing of more dearly departed than it can account for.

  Don : I'm no party to this, I swear.

  Albert : Wait a minute, you knew about all of this?

  Desmond : Of course.

  Albert : Well then what's with "Give me the March, where's the April"?

  Desmond : MEANii provides proper procedures in perpetuity.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Mmm, alliteration.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Don't try and backtrack now, Mrs Shtumpsky. You're caught.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : You're all going mental.

  Desmond : I have all the evidence required for a full-scale investigation. More than two-thirds of your clients were never declared deceased persons. Most had only one name. For example, July nineteen, Montgomery, male. No death certificate was ever issued.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : So what do you say to that, huh?

  Hope : Wait a minute. What are you people talking about? Montgomery was a Persian.

  Don : Murderers! Racists!

  Crosby : No, not at all. We don't care about race, creed or pedigree.

  Hope : That's right. We bury animals from all walks of life.

  Desmond : Animals? Well, of course animals don't come under MEANii's jurisdiction. Wait a minute. This is no pet cemetery. All these burials were in areas set aside for people.

  Crosby : Where do you think they're coming from? Don't you remember what Shirley Mack said? We are all equal souls whatever incarnation.

  Albert : Wait a minute. You guys hid those bills?

  Hope : We figured if they didn't exist, then the deaths wouldn't either.

  Mrs. Shlumsky : Existential thinking.

  Desmond : I am at a loss. Animals are a whole different ball of fur. I declare the Papadapacropolis audit officially over.

  Rossoti : Anyway, we got our man.

  [looks around for Coats, who has quietly slipped away] 

  Rossoti : Phelps? Phelps! Phelps!

  Don : [Tesia and Albert embrace]  Now stop that.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Can't wait to tell Granddad. He's gonna die when he hears about this!

  Albert : I think he already has.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : What?

• Widow Knockerby : Dear? Dear? Dear, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine. Lucille Cross.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Oh, so nice to meet you, Miss Cross.

  Lucille : Mrs. Cross, thank you.

  Widow Knockerby : Well actually now it'd be the widow Cross.

  Lucille : You're right.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : I'm so sorry.

  Lucille : It's very recent.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Oh, I understand.

  Albert : Isn't that Deputy Don?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Don! I forgot!

  Lucille : Oh, I forget sometimes too, dear. It gets worse as you get older.

  Widow Knockerby : Lucille was commenting on the extraordinary way you displayed Clarence. So decorative.

  Albert : You're meeting him here? Love among the dead? It's so gothic.

  Widow Knockerby : Lucille was seriously considering having Marvin done here.

  Albert : Sounds as if she wants him to have a haircut.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Don!

  Don : Hiya honey.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Hi dear.

  Don : Albert.

  Albert : Hi partner.

  Don : Don.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Don, I'd like you to meet Mrs Knockerby and, I'm sorry, what was your name?

  Lucille : Lucille.

  Widow Knockerby : The widow Cross.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Don, I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel tonight.

  Don : Oh drat! It's only one night, Teezy-weezy.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Something has come up, dear.

  Albert : Teezy-weezy?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Albert! And I have to work tonight.

  Don : Oh? Do you work here now, Albert?

  Albert : No, actually I'm still in linen.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Albert sells bathroom towels.

  Albert : Well, because you can never have enough after-bath wraps.

  Don : I can.

  Widow Knockerby : The widow Cross's Marvin was a big fan of Gypsy Rose Lee.

  Lucille : That's right, and I was thinking maybe a burlesque motif for the service.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : I beg your pardon?

  Lucille : Well, you know, a kind of New Orleans feel.

  Widow Knockerby : Oh, Lucille, this is the girl who designed Clarence's face.

  Lucille : Oh, I was so impressed. We were just discussing my Marvin. I think I'd like to send him off as a chorus line kicker!

• Albert : Hi Don. How was the show?

  Don : It was exciting , thank you. Rona Barrett was something else. So how's business doing?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Terrific.

  Don : I understand people are just dying to come in here.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Yeah. Close the door. Come on in.

  Albert : I see you went to Penn State.

  Don : No, that was Arkansas State.

  Albert : Oh.

  Don : Gotcha!

  Albert : You got me.

  Don : So shouldn't we be leaving now, Tesia? We have reservations at twelve.

  Albert : Does your mother know you're out that late?

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : I'm just going to freshen up, then I'll be right back.

  Don : Albert.

  Albert : Don.

  Don : I would like to have a little man to man chat.

  Albert : Alright, well let me go outside and find one.

  Don : No, really. I'd like to talk turkey.

  Albert : Alright, but I warn you, my turkey's a little rusty.

  Don : Look Albert, I appreciate your giving me those tickets to Circus of the Stars, but in retrospect I think you were trying to get rid of me.

  Albert : Oh, Don. No. No!

  Don : Yes, I do. I feel it was slightly underhand of you.

  Albert : Huh! I'm taken aback by your affront.

  Don : And I believe that somehow you're trying to come between Tesia and myself.

  Albert : Don't you think you're being a little possessive, Don?

  Don : If I am possessive, so be it. Tesia is the perfect gal for me.

  Albert : Don't break into song, please.

  Don : We are the above standard unit.

  Albert : Pardon me while I get my yuppity English dictionary.

  Don : We have similar social concerns, share the same political bent..

  Albert : Operative word being bent.

  Don : And our tastes, both our tastes run towards the traditional, but with a new age slant.

  Albert : So you'll have a fancy kitchen, Don. What are you trying to tell me?

  Don : Well, in short I intend to..

  Albert : Make an honest woman of her?

  Don : Ask her for her hand.

  Albert : Well, you're lucky. It's a blue light special. You can have the rest of her this week, too.

  Don : Go ahead, make your jokes. I felt I would make my intentions known to you because I do see you as possible.. competition.

  Albert : Believe me, Don. It's no competition.

  Tesia Papadapacropolis : Um, I'm all set. Shall we? See you, Albert.