Addams Family Values (1993)
Christina Ricci: Wednesday Addams
Photos
Quotes
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Young Girl : And then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and left a diamond under a leaf in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley : Our parents are having a baby, too.
Wednesday : They had sex.
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[as an Indian, ad-libbing during a Thanksgiving play]
Wednesday : Wait!
Amanda : What?
Wednesday : We cannot break bread with you.
Amanda : Huh? Becky, what's going on?
Becky : [whispered] Wednesday!
Wednesday : You have taken the land which is rightfully ours. Years from now my people will be forced to live in mobile homes on reservations. Your people will wear cardigans, and drink highballs. We will sell our bracelets by the road sides. You will play golf and enjoy hot hors d'oeuvres. My people will have pain and degradation. Your people will have stick shifts. The gods of my tribe have spoken. They have said, "Do not trust the Pilgrims. Especially Sarah Miller."
Amanda : Gary, she's changing the words.
Wednesday : And for all these reasons I have decided to scalp you and burn your village to the ground.
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Wednesday : I don't want to be in the pageant.
Gary : Don't you want to help me realize my vision?
Wednesday : Your work is puerile and under-dramatized. You lack any sense of structure, character, and the Aristotelian unities.
Gary : Young lady, I am getting just a tad tired of your attitude problem.
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Wednesday : Death! Death to the enemies of the people of the Republic.
[Pugsley releases the guillotine and chops a watermelon in half]
Wednesday : Hurrah! Justice is served. Bring forward the evil one.
[Pugsley brings over Pubert, who is in a white dress and bonnet]
Wednesday : [to Pubert] You have betrayed the people of France. You are evil incarnate. How do you plead?
Pugsley : [holds up Pubert, speaks in "baby voice"] Guilty!
Wednesday : Guilty! By her own admission! The sentence is death. Executioner, place her on the block.
[Pugsley lays Pubert down in the guillotine]
Wednesday : 1... 2...
Morticia : [from downstairs] Children, what are you doing?
Wednesday , Pugsley : Playing!
Wednesday : ...3!
[She releases the guillotine. Pubert catches the blade in his fingers]
Wednesday : Woe to the Republic.
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Wednesday : [continuing a ghost story] And so, the next night, the ghost returned to the haunted cabin. And he said to the campers, "None of you really believe in me, so I'll have to prove my power." And the next morning, when the campers woke up, all of their old noses had grown back.
[all of the girls scream]
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Heather : [first nanny] Children, as your new nanny, I know we're all concerned about the environment. So, this morning, let's discuss how to prevent forest fires.
Wednesday : Prevent them?
[lights a match]
Mrs. Montgomery : [second nanny] All right, children, I've had it up to here. Now you just answer one simple question: Where is that baby?
Wednesday : Which part?
Polly/Nanny : [third nanny; holding up a puppet] Hello, kiddies, I'm Polly the Puppet. What shall we do today? I know! Let's all clean our rooms!
Wednesday : [holding up devil puppet] Hello Polly, I'll clean my room. In exchange for your immortal soul.
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Gary : [to the Campers] Lifesaving! Now I know we're all top-notch little swimmers, but now we get to show our stuff and earn those certificates! Hey, how about our first little pair of lifesaving buddies? Amanda, Wednesday?
Amanda : Is that your bathing suit?
Wednesday : Is that your overbite?
Gary : Now, one of you will be the drowning victim and the other one gets to be our lifesaver.
Amanda : I'll be the victim!
Wednesday : All your life.
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Joel : [Wednesday catches Debbie's wedding bouquet] Now you have to get married.
Wednesday : It's not binding.
Cousin Ophelia : Tramp.
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Wednesday : [to Gomez and Morticia] You sent us to camp. They made us sing.
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Wednesday : Pugsley, the baby weighs 10 pounds, the cannonball weighs 20 pounds. Which will hit the stone walkway first?
Pugsley : I'm still on fractions.
Wednesday : Which do you think?
Pugsley : The cannonball?
Wednesday : Very good. But which one will bounce?
Pugsley : The baby?
Wednesday : There's only one way to find out. Ready? 1... 2... 3...
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Uncle Fester : [walking down the hallway, arms full of presents] A birthday party! What a treat! And to think, I might have missed all this! What was I thinking of?
Wednesday : Physical pleasure.
Uncle Fester : Ooohhh!
Pugsley : Uncle Fester, do you miss Debbie?
Uncle Fester : Well... sometimes, late at night, I remember how she used to turn to me and say, "Jeez, Fester, go back to your room!"
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Gary : [opens cabin door] Mail call.
[handing out mail]
Gary : Addams!
Becky : [handing out mail] Barclay, Cesselman, Calloway, Dexter, Donman, Edwards, Evans, Barclay, Finley, Fisher, Gingham, Ginley, Harper.
Wednesday : Oh, no.
Pugsley : What is it?
Wednesday : This is unspeakable.
Becky : Is something wrong, Wednesday? Bad news?
Wednesday : This is the worst thing that has ever happened in the history of human events. Uncle Fester's getting married.
Gary : A wedding? But that's great news!
Amanda : To whom?
Wednesday : The nanny.
Amanda : Get out of the cabin. I mean, I'd kill myself. The help?
Becky : I'm sure she's a very nice lady.
Amanda : I think that's disgusting. I think their whole family's like some weird medical experiment. I think they're like, circus people.
Pugsley : [menacingly] What did you say?
Becky : Campers! Group hug!
Gary : Wednesday... Pugsley. Will a hug hurt us?
Wednesday : We don't hug.
Becky : Oh, they're just shy.
Pugsley : We're not shy.
Wednesday : We're contagious.
Gary : I'm sensing some friction here. Somethin' not quite Chippewa.
Camp Children : Mm-hmm.
Gary : But, hey, no problemo. All they need are good friends, good fun, and a little time in the Harmony Hut.
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Wednesday : Hurry up!
Pugsley : I'm coming.
Joel : Wait!
Wednesday : Who's there?
Joel : Be careful. Tetanus.
[siren sounds]
Amanda : [walking toward Wednesday, Pugsley and Joel with Gary, Becky and Camp Children] There they are! I saw them sneak out.
Gary : Children, what do you think you're doing?
Wednesday : We have to see our family. It's very important.
Becky : More important than a summer of fun? More important than making new friends? More important than sharing?
Gary : And Joel Glicker. I'm surprised at you.
Joel : I-I have to get out of here. I have allergies.
Becky : [mockingly] Oh, you're allergic? To sunshine and archery and crafts?
Joel : Yes.
Amanda : I think they should be punished.
[starts chanting]
Amanda : Punish!
Camp Children : [chanting along with Amanda] Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish! Punish!
Becky : No! No! We are *not* here to punish. We are here to inspire.
Gary : Campers? Do you know what I think our little ninja friends here need? Do you know what just might turn their sad and potentially wasted little lives right all around?
Joel : What?
Camp Children : [singing in unison with Gary, Becky, and Amanda] Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Kumbaya, my Lord, kumbaya. Oh Lord, kumbaya.
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[last lines]
Joel : Poor Debbie. She was sick.
Wednesday : She wasn't sick. She was sloppy.
Joel : What do you mean?
Wednesday : If I wanted to kill my husband, I'd do it, and I wouldn't get caught.
Joel : How?
Wednesday : I'd scare him to death.
Joel : No, you wouldn't.
[kneels at Debbie's grave]
Joel : We're all very sorry, Debbie. We wish you only the best.
[reaches out to put flowers on the grave; a hand reaches up and grabs him. He screams while Wednesday smiles]
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[Wednesday reads the letter in her hand]
Wednesday : "Dear Wednesday and Pugsley. I love you dearly, but I can never see you again."
Gary : [impatiently] Glicker, go!
[Joel gives up and flings the arrow at the ground]
Becky : Good try!
[Joel goes to the end of the line, as Pugsley takes the bow, and Wednesday finishes reading]
Wednesday : "When you are grown up and very lonely, you will understand. Love, Uncle Fester." He's a dead man.
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Debbie Jellinsky : [to Pubert] Hold still, you little brat!
Wednesday : He's not a brat.
Debbie Jellinsky : [whirls around, caught] Of course not. He's an adorable little baby.
Wednesday : Fine. Rub it in!
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[first lines]
Wednesday : [giving a funeral to a cat in a shoe-box] Come, sorrow; we welcome thee. Let us join in grief, rejoice in despair, and honor the fortunate dead.
Grandma : Dearly beloved...
Wednesday : [the cat mews and Wednesday shakes the box] Shh! Quiet!
Grandma : [starts piling dirt on the box]
