So I Married an Axe Murderer (1993)
Steven Wright: Pilot
Quotes
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[Tony is riding in a plane at night in a storm]
Tony Giardino : Hey, listen. How long is it gonna take us to get there?
Pilot : It shouldn't take very long.
[pause]
Pilot : Actually, I have no concept of time.
Tony Giardino : Geez, is this dangerous?
Pilot : No. Well, you know there's chance in everything.
Tony Giardino : Look, I don't wanna get too personal or anything but you've done this before, right?
Pilot : Oh yeah, yeah. I do this all the time.
[pause]
Pilot : I've never done it at night.
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Tony Giardino : [the pilot is asleep] What are you doing? Wake up!
Pilot : Ooooh man! I was having an amazing dream!
Tony Giardino : I don't care about your dream! Land the plane!
Pilot : I was just born, and... I was 8-1/2- months premature. The doctors were freakin' out.
Tony Giardino : Oh, please, shut up!
Pilot : Did I already tell you this dream?
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Tony Giardino : How the hell do you even know if you're going in the right direction?
Pilot : Instruments, instruments!
Tony Giardino : Oh yeah? Yeah? What's that?
[points to an instrument]
Pilot : That's the artificial horizon, which is better than the actual horizon.