Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man (1994–1997)

Gregg Berger: Cornfed Pig, Cornfed, Paul Golden, Oil dump worker, Bayou Bill, Cornfed Pig (Character), Duckman as Neil Armstrong, Duckman's neighbor, Geometry teacher, Melrose Place announcer, Nebbish man, Oil Dump Worker, Sal Gado, USA Movie announcer, Wolfgang's Assistant

Photos 

Quotes 

• Duckman : Did I ever tell you my Dad's last words to me?

  Cornfed : "Careful, son, I don't think the safety is on."

  Duckman : Before that.

• Cornfed : Once again, the U.S. is spending millions to oust a puppet they spent millions to get into office. They'll spend more millions on the coverup to hide having spent those millions and even more millions to discredit members of the media who report otherwise. It's a good thing they print their own money.

• [Duckman is sentenced to 5000 hours of community service] 

  Duckman : 5000 hours? That's 45 minutes!

  Cornfed : Actually, it's seven months.

  Duckman : Damn metric system.

• Cornfed Pig : I haven't felt tension like that since I got stuck in an elevator with Pat Buchanan and RuPaul.

• Duckman : Can you believe it? Five hundred bucks for a parking ticket?

  Cornfed Pig : You parked in a handicapped zone.

  Duckman : Who cares? Nobody parks there anyway, except for the people who are supposed to park there and, hell, I can outrun them anytime.

• Cornfed Pig : I know over two hundred ways to kill a man.

  Sherry : You could glue an open jar of rats to his face. Then blowtorch the other side of the jar, so the rats have to eat their way out threw his face.

  Cornfed Pig : [pause]  Two Hundred and one.

• Duckman : I can't believe they shared their girlfriends with us, Corny. I just spent the night with the sexiest, most insatiable, voluptuous, adventurous, least-inhibited woman I've ever met. If she didn't suddenly get a headache... woo hoo. there's no telling what wild and tawdry escapades we might have experienced. How was your night?

  Cornfed : Like yours... minus the headache.

• Cornfed Pig : You're aware that while it affords one the momentary illusion of satisfaction, the spewing of bile is never a permanent solution.

• Eric Duckman : I'll be tireless in my efforts for Duckman doesn't know the meaning of the word 'quit.'

  Cornfed Pig : Apparently, the word 'clue' slipped through the cracks as well.

• Cornfed : It sounds like it's having an hallucinogenic effect. Not like a drug which is harmful and wrong and just say no, kids, but spacey nonetheless.

• Cornfed : Be careful, Duckman. A cursory olfactory analysis of this woman's sweat glands indicates that decades of alcohol ingestion have permeated her cellular structure and made her a prime candidate for spontaneous combustion.

• [Duckman has spilled something on his chest causing a stain that looks like a Rorschach inkblot] 

  Duckman : Well now look what you made me do! I gotta go in there with a picture of me and Vanna White frolicking naked with a tribe of pygmies on my chest!

  Cornfed : Hmm. Looks like synchronized swimmers crocheting mittens in a pool filled with truffles to me.

  Duckman : You're sick.

• Cornfed Pig : Color me kooky, but something very odd is going on around here.

• Cornfed Pig : You can't keep us here, you know. We're Americans. We have rights.

  Eric Duckman : Including the right to bear arms. So, uh, could we, like, have some guns?

• Cornfed Pig : This is Cornfed. In the name of humanity, will you agree to peace talks?

• Cornfed Pig : It's my fault, I was attempting an actual conversation.

• Duckman : What do you say, Corn Syrup? Blow their minds with our patented Sonny and Cher medley?

  Cornfed : I'd love to, except my sequined squaw outfit's still at the cleaners.

• Duckman : Willabald Fivel?

  [laughing] 

  Duckman : Willabald Fivel?

  Cornfed : Uh Duckman. My problem? I have to have sex with a woman or else I'm going to die.

  Duckman : Oh yes. Don't worry Cornfed. I'll find you a woman.

  [snickering] 

  Duckman : Willabald Fivel!

• Cornfed : You got a letter from the IRS.

  Duckman : I'm outta here! Forward my magazines to that PO Box in Rio.

  Cornfed : Duckman, you can't hide from the IRS. They're everywhere.

• Bernice : You spent the last six days watching that video tape where she learns what all her vacuum attachments are for.

  Sherry : You said you erased that.

  Cornfed : Erased, ran off thousands of copies... it's such a fine line.

• Eric Duckman : They towed my car, Cornie. And for no other reason than it was illegally parked and had $1200 in unpaid tickets.

  Cornfed Pig : Also, you stole it.

• Cornfed Pig : The password is 'Bad Writing.'

• Cornfed : From the moment she opened her mouth I wanted to sublet her tongue, move into her larynx, and re-do the upper incisors in mauve. Well, not exactly mauve, but mauvish.

• Cornfed : Before we get down to these peace talks I have one preliminary request. Would you please stop shocking Duckman?

  Venom : Damn! I just got it working.

• Dr. Susan Fox : Cornfed, I'm sensing that you have "issues".

  Cornfed : Oh, I have issues all right. Like that time he made me miss my mother's funeral so he could carterize his lucky goiter or that time he got drunk and gave my phone number out to all of those prostitutes or that time he sold all of my furniture to buy those Who's The Boss comemorative plates.

  Duckman : They were supposed to triple in value. DAMN YOU TO HELL TONY DANZA!

  Dr. Susan Fox : How does that make you feel, Duckman?

  Duckman : Like a bottle of open spit.

  Cornfed : You and what United States Peacekeeping force?

• [Duckman is outraged that his car has just been towed] 

  Duckman : I can't believe they towed my car! And only because it was parked in a tow-away zone and I had $1,200 worth of unpaid parking tickets.

  Cornfed : Also, you stole it.

  Duckman : It was dark. How was I supposed to tell the difference between a parking lot at the mall and a Mazda dealership?

• Dr Stien : Mr Duckman if, as an adult, cannot act with a moderate of decorum I'll rip your eyes out and feed them to my dingos.

  Cornfed : Duckman maybe it's a good idea not to tick Dr Stien off.

  Duckman : What's he going to do? Oh Dr Stien is angry.