Major Payne (1995)

Steven Martini: Cadet Alex Stone

Photos 

Quotes 

• Major Payne : Boy, I am two seconds from being on you like white on rice in a glass of milk on a paper plate in a snowstorm. I'm gonna put my foot so far up your ass, the water on my knee will quench your thirst.

  Alex Stone : Try it.

• Major Payne : [the cadets are running an obstacle course in heavy rain]  LET'S MOVE IT, YOU TURDS! You'll get no sympathy from me! You want sympathy, look in the dictionary between shit and syphilis! That's where you'll find my sympathy! This ain't no walk in the park; let's move it! Hustle, hustle! HUSTLE!

  [Woliger has just gotten out of the tube] 

  Major Payne : Hey, Dumbo! You should be able to fly through those tubes with them big-ass ears, boy!

  Cadet Dotson : Yeah, Dumbo! Fly, baby, fly!

  Major Payne : Hey, Williams! You tell Marlee Matlin's son if he don't get across that rope, I'm-a hang him with it.

  Cadet Dotson : He'll hang you with it! Ha ha ha!

  Major Payne : Heathcoat! You get your fat body over that wall!

  Cadet Dotson : Get your fat pork chop body over that...

  Major Payne : You shut up! Nobody's leaving here until the average for this squad is one minute, twenty seconds!

  Cadet Alex Stone : Come on, he can't do it. Leave him alone. I can barely do it. It's slippery out here.

  Major Payne : Slippery, he say! You think Charlie care anything about slippery? Only thing he knows is slit your throat. What if this was a life or death situation?

  Cadet Alex Stone : But it's not a life or death situation.

  Major Payne : [Takes out a grenade and pulls the pin out with his teeth]  It is now!

  [All the boys but Alex scream and run though the obstacle course] 

  Major Payne : One Mississippi! Two Mississippi!

  Cadet Alex Stone : Come on guys. What, are you crazy? It's just a dummy grenade.

  [Major Payne throws the grenade behind him at the trees and it explodes. Alex dives into the mud] 

  Cadet Alex Stone : Oh, damn. Oh!

  Major Payne : Who's the dummy now?

• Cadet Alex Stone : What about family and unity and all that other bullshit you said?

  Major Benson Winifred Payne : I never said family don't break up. Don't you watch Oprah?

• Heathcoat : Why do I have to wear the dress?

  Alex Stone : Because you are the one with the biggest tits!

  [laughter] 

  Heathcoat : SHUT UP!

• Woliger : [Sees that Alex is putting on his dress blues]  Where are you going?

  Alex Stone : To the games. You guys better get ready - we gotta be there in an hour.

  Woliger : Alex... we don't have a chance without Payne.

  Alex Stone : Listen - Payne or no *Payne,* I'm gonna go out there and get that *stupid* trophy. We busted our asses off out there! Now, I didn't go through all that to come out empty handed.

• Cadet Dotson : Let's go, let's go, let's go! Come on, move it! Saddle up that horsey and ride!

  [Cracks an imaginary whip] 

  Alex Stone : You ever hear of knocking, Dotson?

  Cadet Dotson : You won't have to worry about that anymore. I have good news for you, assholes. Pack your bedding, your kit, and your clothes. Let's go!

  Alex Stone : [Sarcastically]  Where to?