The Drew Carey Show (1995–2004)
Diedrich Bader: Oswald Lee Harvey, Diedrich Bader, Oswald Harvey, Oswald Harvey Lee, Various
Photos
Quotes
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Drew Carey : I think I should help people.
Oswald Lee Harvey : That's good. My uncle was a general at the Salvation Army, until he went crazy and led a surprise attack on the Good Will Store. There was blood and platform shoes everywhere...
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Lewis Kiniski : Man, it must be weird thinking you're going to lunch with someone and you end up going to their funeral.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Yeah. The closest things I've ever had to that is when my pet possum died. One minute he was fine, the next, on his back, dead. So I buried him in the backyard. But the weird thing is, the next morning, the grave was empty, and the ghost had taken a dump in my shoe.
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[Mimi kicked Steve out]
Drew Carey : So, where are you staying?
Steve Carey : A hotel.
Drew Carey : You shouldn't be staying in no hotel, you should be staying here.
Steve Carey : Thanks, but if I stay here, Mimi's never gonna let you see your nephew.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Why don't you stay with me and Lewis?
Steve Carey : Really?
Lewis Kiniski : Sure. You clean, you cook, you're like a big, bald Mary Poppins.
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Kate O'Brien : Oswald, how do I look?
Oswald Lee Harvey : On the Oswald Harvey scale... I'd give you a six.
Kate O'Brien : Oswald!
Drew Carey : Don't worry Kate, it only goes up to six.
Kate O'Brien : Oh.
Oswald Lee Harvey : It starts at three.
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Drew Carey : Oh, my god. I realized why I screwed up my life. I always wanted attention. I'm a pity whore!
Oswald Lee Harvey : Aww, Drew...
Drew Carey : No! Do not pity the whore!
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Oswald Lee Harvey : I think I'm going to be sick
Drew Carey : Why?
Oswald Lee Harvey : I've got little pieces of Jim Thome's head all over me!
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Lewis Kiniski : Man... what do you get a guy who's just lost the girl of his dreams and is having a gay green-card wedding just to get his crappy job back?
Oswald Lee Harvey : Champagne flutes?
Lewis Kiniski : You read my mind.
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Lewis Kiniski : Mimi, if you lose the bet, you'll have to name your baby after us. Lewis Oswald.
Oswald Lee Harvey : No, no. Oswald Lewis.
Lewis Kiniski : [after much careful thought] Loswald!
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Lewis Kiniski : Drew, we found the Bed and Breakfast where the lesbians are staying!
Oswald Lee Harvey : Yeah, we rented the room next door and the walls are paper thin!
Drew Carey : I want to be a scoutmaster.
[pause]
Drew Carey : Tomorrow.
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Lewis Kiniski : It's a great day. Drew's got a new job, Kate got a promotion, and the manager at Drug-Co is paying me off so I won't talk about their new experiment.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Really?
Lewis Kiniski : Yeah, I'm supposed to meet him in the woods at midnight.
Oswald Lee Harvey : How much is he going to pay you?
Lewis Kiniski : I don't know, but I think it's going to be a lot. He told me to bring a duffel bag I could fit in.
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[Lewis ate a human liver that Oswald brought home for his med class]
Lewis Kiniski : I'm a freak! I need some time alone!
[Opens the door, at the same time that Milan comes in. Lewis makes sucking noises, creeping her out and leaves]
Oswald Lee Harvey : I hope he's going to be all right.
[Oswald stands up, bangs his leg on the table, and limps outside]
Oswald Lee Harvey : Well, I'm off to the morgue to get another human liver.
Milan : Hi, Drew... I see why you drink...
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Woman : Oswald? Oswald Harvey?
Oswald Lee Harvey : That's what it says on my underwear.
Woman : Hi, you probably don't remember me. I used to sit next to you, in homeroom class.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Oh, yeah... How could I not remember you. By the way, you remember that girl that had the same first name is you. What was her name?
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Kate O'Brien : I don't believe this. You're taking advice from Oswald? Oswald who once swallowed a sponge to soak up all the beer, so he won't get drunk?
Oswald Lee Harvey : Did I get drunk?
Kate O'Brien : We had to take you to the hospital! You were clinically dead for two minutes!
Oswald Lee Harvey : But, did I get drunk?
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Drew Carey : Hey, what were you doing upstairs?
Oswald Lee Harvey : I was using your blow dryer to defrost my crotch.
Drew Carey : Well, you just bought yourself a blow dryer mister!
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Drew Carey : I have a question to ask. Am I healthy?
Oswald Lee Harvey : Well, you sound healthy. I can hear you breathing from here.
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Oswald Lee Harvey : I have an idea. Well at least hear me out first!
Drew Carey : Uhh, Oswald nobody objected.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Oh, OK. Anyway, if you're afraid to take a physical, you could get Lewis to take it for you.
[pause]
Oswald Lee Harvey : Why are you looking at me approvingly?
Drew Carey : Because I'm proud of you. We can now add the word "savant" to your title.
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Oswald Lee Harvey : Don't worry Kate, I don't mind that you're dating Drew. As long as he doesn't see that tape.
Kate O'Brien : Oh, my god! You still have that tape?
Oswald Lee Harvey : Yeah, the one we made at the karaoke bar.
Kate O'Brien : Oh, I thought you meant THAT tape...
Oswald Lee Harvey : Ohh, that tape. No... I accidentally sold that at a yard sale.
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Lewis Kiniski : If we win, you have to name your son after us.
Steve Carey : And, if I win, you two have to legally change your names to 'Boob 1' and 'Boob 2'
Lewis Kiniski : That's ridiculous.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Dibs on 'Boob 1'!
Lewis Kiniski : Damn!
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Lewis Kiniski : Ok, Drew is really going to mope about this. So, we need beer, junk food, and pity sex.
Kate O'Brien : I'll get the food.
Lewis Kiniski : I'll get the beer.
[pause]
Oswald Lee Harvey : Every damn time!
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Oswald Lee Harvey : All right. Drew told us not to let speedy into the house.
Lewis Kiniski : Where is he?
Oswald Lee Harvey : Probably in the brewery.
Lewis Kiniski : [opens the door] Ok, when he comes out, we pretend to let him into the house, and then we catch him.
[Speedy comes out of the brewery, with a six-pack]
Oswald Lee Harvey : Hey, he brought us a six pack! But, why did he put it all the way over there?
Lewis Kiniski : 'Cause he's a dumb animal. Come on, let's go get it.
[Oswald and Lewis go to get the beer, while Speedy runs into the house, and pushes the door closed, locking Oswald and Lewis out]
Lewis Kiniski : We must never speak of this again...
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Drew Carey : [hangs up phone] Well, Wendy and I are having lunch tomorrow.
Kate O'Brien : That's fine. I'd like to see Wendy again.
Drew Carey : Well, actually... she just wants to have lunch me.
Oswald Lee Harvey : [to Lewis] This subject will never change. I bet you 100$, this subject will never change.
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Drew Carey : Why are you guys wearing suits?
Lewis Kiniski : Well, Wendy's coming back. Looks like ripe picking for the love buzzards!
Oswald Lee Harvey : Picking at the bones of her self respect!
Drew Carey : I don't know how to break this to you guys, but, I don't think she was ever crazy about you two.
Lewis Kiniski : Ahh, but you don't know how forgettable we are. I went out on a date with this one woman. She told me about her worst date ever. Little did she know- that date was me.
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Oswald Lee Harvey : [flirting] I'm Oswald. And, as of last week, I am work-free.
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Oswald Lee Harvey : I don't know about you guys, but I could sure use more beer.
Drew Carey : All right.
Oswald Lee Harvey : One case, coming right up.
Drew Carey : Why do you need a whole case?
Oswald Lee Harvey : I don't know. Why do you have to shed light on my addiction?
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[Oswald just found out he has a son]
Oswald Lee Harvey : His name is Robert Gates! I wish it was Bill though...
Drew Carey : How come?
Oswald Lee Harvey : Well, imagine all the fun you could have. 'Hey, Bill Gates, take out the trash! Hey, Bill Gates, mow the lawn! What're ya, Bill Gates, an idiot?'
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Oswald Lee Harvey : Wow, your team really sucks... Is that a guy with a hunchback?
Drew Carey : That's a woman.
Lewis Kiniski : Give me a night and a bottle of wine, I'll straighten out that spine.
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[At the Warsaw]
Kate O'Brien : I can't believe Drew did this to me! I'm going to kill him!
[storms out]
Oswald Lee Harvey : Oh, no. We should probably warn Drew.
Lewis Kiniski : Yeah, we should do a lot of things.
[both continue drinking]
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[Drew, Kate, Oswald and Lewis come to a black church]
Drew Carey : Hi, Mr. Nichols. I brought some friends, I hope you don't mind.
Mr. Nichols : No problem. Jesus even befriended the whores and the feeble minded.
[Oswald, Lewis and Kate stare at him]
Mr. Nichols : Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean you people.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Oh, we're not offended. We're actually amazed at your insight.
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Oswald Lee Harvey : Hey, I'm not going anywhere until I get my money.
Drew Carey : Get comfortable, pal. You're the worst mobile DJ I ever hired.
Oswald Lee Harvey : I thought people liked my voice.
[disguises voice]
Oswald Lee Harvey : This one's for all the lovers in the crowd.
Drew Carey : How about one for all the snipers in the crowd?
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Oswald Lee Harvey : Every time my dad and I got into an argument we made up over a nice cold beer... I think that's one of the reasons the county took me away from him.
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[Kate, Lewis, and Oswald recover Drew's old refrigerator from the dump]
Drew Carey : Oh my god, it's Frankenfridge.
Kate O'Brien : It's filled with... baking soda. Because it really smells.
Lewis Kiniski : Are you crying, Drew?
Drew Carey : It's that smell. It's killing me.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Hope you like it, Drew.
Drew Carey : Wow, I cant believe you guys did such a nice thing for me. And yet you sit here, while this refrigerator is attracting flies in the middle of winter!
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Drew Carey : Wow, what a great diet. You lose weight by drinking beer.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Hey, I'm on that diet, too. You get drunk, you pass out. You don't eat for two days.
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[Steve is wearing a dress]
Oswald Lee Harvey : Why are you wearing a dress?
Steve Carey : Why do you take long walks in the park?
Oswald Lee Harvey : Because it feels good.
Steve Carey : You should try women's underwear.
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[Drew and Lewis walk into Mimi's apartment]
Drew Carey : And... wow, my eyes wont focus.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Wow, you go into a garage sale and you wonder who buys all that crap?
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Lewis Kiniski : Gee, Drew, I'm really sorry about your troubles with your hot, young and rich boss. I'd send you a sympathy card if I wasn't so busy mopping elephant afterbirth at Drug-Co.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Eww!
Lewis Kiniski : That's typical. You want your shampoo and conditioner in one but you don't want to know how it's done.
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Drew Carey : [to Lewis] Come on, you were a genius before you met Oswald.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Like I told you, buddy, smarty had a party and nobody came.
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Drew Carey : Ask me about my day, I dare you.
Lewis Kiniski : Drew, how was your day?
Drew Carey : You're not sincere enough.
[points to Oswald]
Drew Carey : YOU! Ask me about my day.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Drew, how was your day?
Drew Carey : Lousy. It was like the rubber glove part of a physical exam.
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[during an "oldest unpaid bill contest"]
Oswald Lee Harvey : I have an unpaid student loan bill. Well, when you give a loan to a community college student with a 2.0 GPA, you takes your chances.
Lewis Kiniski : I have an unpaid bill... from my own birth. What are they going to do, put me back?
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Kate O'Brien : We should go to Lewis and Oswald's place.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Our place? Even we don't like going to our place.
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[after Drew asks what he should do to get his girlfriend back]
Lewis Kiniski : I say we kill what she loves must in life that way you go up a notch.
Drew Carey : What did you come up with Oswald?
Oswald Lee Harvey : Beard of bee's
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Oswald Lee Harvey : Whoof! Where have you been? You smell like garbage and gunpowder!
Drew Carey : I was at the dump with Mimi.
Lewis Kiniski : You fool, you can't bury her there! That's the first place they'll look!
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Drew Carey : Man, I can't believe I almost beat Jay up and humiliated him in front of the entire Warsaw.
Oswald Lee Harvey : Wow. What was your plan, tire him out by letting him beat the crap outta you?
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Kate O'Brien : What's wrong with you guys?
Oswald Lee Harvey : Lot's of stuff. Why?
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Oswald Lee Harvey : [Doing an impression of Christopher Walken] I would have been a bigger star if... I wasn't so creepy.
