The Drew Carey Show (1995–2004)

Craig Ferguson: Nigel Wick, Various

Photos 

Quotes 

• Nigel Wick : Carey, are you familiar with the TV show 'Survivor'?

  Drew Carey : Yeah.

  Nigel Wick : Good. Today we're going to play the office version of 'Survivor'. Every employee is going to vote for someone who they want to be fired. Whoever gets the most votes, gets fired! Oh, but you can't vote for me, I'm English. I've already been kicked off an island.

• Nigel Wick : Good Lord, Carey! I believe you just stumbled upon the recipe for "Suck"!

• Nigel Wick : [to Mimi]  Hey, Stella. Get your groove back.

• Nigel Wick : [looking at Mimi's vagina as she's about to give birth]  It's like a portal into another dimension!

• Drew Carey : So, Mr. Wick, you're off to see your girlfriend.

  Nigel Wick : Yes, I got all I need. Flowers and 100$.

  Drew Carey : Ok...

  Nigel Wick : Oh, yes. You see, she's always in need of money the poor thing. But I don't let that bother me. She's very nice, and shy. The girl won't even let me kiss her.

  Drew Carey : Mr. Wick, is she a prostitute?

  Nigel Wick : Oh, no! She's an actress who's researching the part of a prostitute, going on... 14 years now.

  Drew Carey : Oh, and does she have a very strict acting coach who beats her with an iron pipe every once in a while?

• Nigel Wick : You're going to have sex for the first time, with the woman you loved all of your life. I won't try to put any pressure on you. Not at all. Instead, I'd like to congratulate you... prematurely.

• [In a bar, Mr. Wick gives the check to Mimi] 

  Mimi Bobeck : A lady never pays!

  Nigel Wick : A lady doesn't shave her armpits in the car, on the way over.

• [Mr. Wick needs a green card marriage] 

  Nigel Wick : I can't get married! All women I know hate me!

  Drew Carey : Don't forget the fellas.

  [gets up to leave] 

  Nigel Wick : Wait a second. I did forget the fellas. All I have to do is marry a man!

  Drew Carey : You can't marry a man.

  Nigel Wick : Yes, I can! There's a state where it's legal, now!

  [gets down on one knee] 

  Nigel Wick : Drew, will you marry me in Vermont, the state that makes New Hampshire nervous?

• [Drew and Mr. Wick are about to get married in Vermont] 

  Nigel Wick : Penny for your thoughts?

  Drew Carey : I wish I would have died on the toilet last night.

• Nigel Wick : Penny for your thoughts?

  Drew Carey : I wish you would've died on the toilet last night.

• Nigel Wick : I want your pee on my desk by the end of the afternoon.

  Drew Carey : Oh, I'll pee on your desk.

  Nigel Wick : In a cup.

  Drew Carey : Oh, I'll pee in a cup.

  Nigel Wick : Not my coffee cup.

  Drew Carey : Oh, I just like talking like this because it makes you nervous.

• [Drew is kicking Mr. Wick out of his house] 

  Drew Carey : You're still here? You know, you people have been kicked out of so many countries you'd think you'd be better at packing.

  Nigel Wick : Well, it helps when we're at gunpoint.

  Drew Carey : That can be arranged...

• Drew Carey : Hey, Mr. Wick. Did you talk to the new owner?

  Nigel Wick : Yes.

  Drew Carey : Did you talk to him about my raise?

  Nigel Wick : Yes, Carey. You see, he's the kind of man whose first order of business is to pick the most insignificant drone in the company and to shower him with money?

  Drew Carey : Really?

  Nigel Wick : Yes. And he also told me that he's naming you King of Cleveland and that your sole task is to masturbate.

  Drew Carey : I so want to believe you...

• Nigel Wick : Oh, Carey. Let me ask you a question. How does "Drew Carey Store Manager" sound to you?

  Drew Carey : It sounds like it's somewhere in between "Drew Carey Olympic Sprinter" and "Rebecca Romijn Carey".

• Nigel Wick : Uhh, Lewis. I know this is an awkward proposition but I need to use your apartment for the night...

  [points to attractive blonde at his table, and Lewis stares at him] 

  Nigel Wick : And 50$.

  Lewis Kiniski : 50$? Hey, 20$ gets you an apartment! 50$ gets you a photographer! A 100$ gets you no photographer.

• Mr. Wick : Both you and I want Mimi out of there as fast as possible. And I've come up with a plan. I call it "Operation Take Down The Clown".

  Drew Carey : Great! How does it work?

  Mr. Wick : I don't know. I spent all night thinking up the title.

• Mr. Wick : Gather around, everyone. Story time. Come on... gather around. Once upon a time... Johnson was fired. And everyone else lived happily ever after. Freaked, but happily.

• Lewis Kiniski : Hey Mr. Wick, what were some of the things you've been fired for?

  Mr. Wick : Let's see - drunk,

  [pauses] 

  Mr. Wick : drunk,

  [pauses] 

  Mr. Wick : I don't know what the technical term is, but whipping it out in an elevator.

  [pauses] 

  Mr. Wick : Drunk,

  [pauses] 

  Mr. Wick : drunk,

  [pauses] 

  Mr. Wick : whipping it out in an office.

  [pauses] 

  Mr. Wick : I was telling the elevator story at another job.

  Drew Carey : Oh!

• Drew Carey : I'm not promising you anything, sir.

  Mr. Wick : Oh, and I'm promising you blah blah blah, promises promotions, blah blah blah.

• Mimi Bobeck : And I sent him to the middle of China to die!

  Mr. Wick : Good lord, Mimi, that's kidnapping! You could get into serious trouble for that!

  [tries to hold laughter] 

  Mr. Wick : Carey... in China! Excuse me!

• Mr. Wick : Oh, Mimi. I must have you. And I must have you right here, on Carey's desk!

  Drew Carey : [to Lewis]  Oh my god, that hamburger must have killed me! I'm in hell!

• [plotting a sexual harassment scheme] 

  Mr. Wick : Where do we do it, though? We have to do it some place that management doesn't know about.

  Mimi Bobeck : Drew's cubicle.

• Mimi Bobeck : Why do you have to fly first class?

  Mr. Wick : I have a medical condition, I'm a snob.

• Mr. Wick : I cannot believe you two are getting paid to do this. If anybody needs me, I'll be in my office having a nap.

• Mr. Wick : Carey, doesn't it seem like the days are just screaming by?

  Drew : Actually, Sir, that was me you heard screaming."

• Drew Carey : I'm not backing down until we get a crosswalk! Will you give it to us?

  Nigel Wick : Hmmm... no.

  Drew Carey : Will you think about it?

  Nigel Wick : Hmmm... no.

  Drew Carey : Will you change your mind?

  Nigel Wick : Maybe the 'hmmm' is confusing you; No!

• Nigel Wick : I'm not so sure about this. You invite me over here in the middle of the night, the lights are off... If I hear a belt being unbuckeled, I'm out of here.

  Drew Carey : What do you people take me for?

• Drew Carey : Hey Mr. Wick.

  [Points to Mr. Wicks face] 

  Drew Carey : You have a little something there.

  Nigel Wick : [Mr. Wick wipes his face and looks at his hand]  Oh that's just a little blood... OH MY!

  [Faint's and falls into Drew's arms] 

  Drew Carey : [Drew stands there for a second]  THIS IS FOR MIMI!

  [Throws Mr. Wick to the ground] 

  Drew Carey : AND MY CANDY... But mostly the candy.

• [trying to "gay up" Drew's house to make their faux-gay marriage look real, Mr. Wick brings over a breadmaker] 

  Drew Carey : Oh, c'mon, how is a breadmaker gay?

  Nigel Wick : Oh how is it *not*?

• Nigel Wick : [Drew has decided to make the baseball game a beerball game]  Wait a minute! I'm the owner of this team and I don't want any of my players, especailly the women, to be hot, sweaty, and drunk. Oh wait a minute, yes I do. I'm off to buy a van with tinted windows.