The Birdcage (1996)
Robin Williams: Armand Goldman
Photos
Quotes
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Armand : You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do Fosse, Fosse, Fosse! You do Martha Graham, Martha Graham, Martha Graham! Or Twyla, Twyla, Twyla! Or Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd, Michael Kidd! Or Madonna, Madonna, Madonna!... but you keep it all inside.
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Albert Goldman : Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING!
Armand : I made you short?
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Agador : Armand, why don't you let me be in the show? Are you afraid of my Guatemalan-ness?
Armand : Your what?
Agador : My Guatemalan-ness, my natural heat. You're afraid I'm too primitive to be on the stage with your little estrogen rockettes, right?
Armand : You're right. I'm afraid of your heat.
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Armand : My cemetery's in Key Biscayne. It's one of the prettiest in the world. The sky is blue, palm trees, rolling hills. The one is Los Copa's really shit.
[sigh]
Armand : What a pain in the ass you are. And it's true: you're not young, you're not new, and you do make people laugh. And me? I'm still with you because you make me laugh. So you know what I got to do? I got to sell my plot in Key Biscayne so I can get one next to you in that shithole Los Copa, so I never miss a laugh.
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Armand : Yes, I wear foundation. Yes, I live with a man. Yes, I'm a middle- aged fag. But I know who I am, Val. It took me twenty years to get here, and I'm not gonna let some idiot senator destroy that. Fuck the senator, I don't give a damn what he thinks.
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Armand : It's like riding a psychotic horse toward a burning stable.
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Armand : A woman is said to be worth her weight in hens. And a man's wealth is measured by the size of his cock.
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Katherine : You were so terrified, it was so sweet.
Armand : I thought I was gonna have a heart attack. I mean, I walk in the door and there's a woman in my bed!
Katherine : I paid the doorman twenty dollars - twenty dollars, in those days!
Armand : Oh, God. And I thought, "what the hell, let's try it once with a woman and see what those straight guys are raving about."
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Armand : So this is Hell. And there's a crucifix in it.
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Armand : Don't worry about that. I'm very maternal. And Albert's practically a breast.
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Armand : What we really need is a woman. We can get away with Albert as an uncle if we had a woman as a mother. Ironic, isn't it? When you need a woman...
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Albert : Could you tell them I was a relative who dropped in? Val's Uncle? Uncle Al?
Armand : What's the point? You'd be Val's gay Uncle Al.
Albert : Oh, I could play it straight!
Armand : Oh please, look at you! Look at the way you're holding your glass! Look at your pinky! Look at your posture!
Albert : What? What about you? You're obviously not a cultural... whatever it is. You've never been to a museum, and you eat like a pig!
Armand : Albert, these people are right-wing conservatists. They don't care if you're a pig, they just care if you're a fag!... Ah, fuck 'em! Of course you can pass as an uncle!
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Armand : Fuck the shrimp!
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Armand : Shouldn't you be holding the crucifix? It is THE prop for martyrs!
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Val : [about his marriage] Is it all right, Dad?
Armand : Does it matter?
Val : Yes, of course it does. Say it's okay, before Albert arrives and starts screaming.
Armand : I can't. And I won't. This is too crazy. You do this, you're on your own. You got that, sport? You don't come back here, you don't ask me for anything, I want nothing to do with it.
Val : Okay, if that's how you feel.
Armand : I do.
Val : Fine.
[picks up his jacket and holds out his hand]
Val : Goodbye, Pop.
Armand : Goodbye, son.
[They shake hands, and Val starts to turn away]
Armand : Oh, come here!
[pulls him into a hug]
Armand : You little pisher, you called my bluff!
Val : Yeah, but it was good, though.
Armand : Really? I thought I backed off on it a little.
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Louise Keeley : [hearing Albert's wails] Is someone else home?
Armand : Just our dog, Piranha. We always lock her in when there's company.
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Albert : Here, let me help you lean on it.
Armand : I think I need a doctor.
Albert : Oh, don't be silly! It isn't even swollen!
Armand : [pulls away] Maybe we should go to an emergency room, you know, I can get an X-ray.
Albert : [grabs him] You're overreacting! Don't be such a baby!
[opens door]
Albert : Just sit down on the... AAAAAAAAHH! We've been robbed!
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Armand : First off, you're only twenty.
Val : Look, Pop, I know I'm young. But you've always said I was a very levelheaded guy, and I am. I have job offers, I know exactly what I want my future to be, and I have this incredible role model...
Armand : Oh, please.
Val : No, it's true. You know, I'm the only guy in my fraternity who doesn't come from a broken home.
Armand : Stop flattering me, it's cheap.
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Albert : [Comes home to see Armand with two glasses of wine and jumps to the wrong conclusion] Aha!
Armand : Wait...
Albert : Who is he? Who is he? Where's your little chippy?
Armand : Stop screaming! It's Val.
Albert : Val?
Armand : Go check. He's sleeping in his room if you don't believe me.
Albert : Oh. Why didn't you tell me?
Armand : Surprise.
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Armand : Take it! Take it all! What difference does it make if I say you can stay or if you say I can stay?
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Val : I have something to tell you. But I don't want you to get how you get.
Armand : Oh, God...
Val : I'm getting married.
Armand : Oh...
[face-palms]
Val : I didn't want to tell you over the phone...
Armand : Mmm.
Val : It's a girl, I met her at school, she's wonderful...
[Armand drains his entire glass of wine in one sip]
Val : Uh... are you upset?
Armand : [nods] But let me tell you why.
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Val : My first day at Edison Park, you remember what you told me?
Armand : No.
Val : You said if Miss Donovan asks me what my father does for a living, I should say he's a businessman.
Armand : Well, you were a baby. And Miss Donovan was a small-minded idiot. I didn't want you to get hurt. It's different now. You're a man.
Val : I can still get hurt.
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Armand : Work it, own it, sell it!
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Armand : How 'bout those dolphins, huh?
