Dead Man on Campus (1998)

Tom Everett Scott: Josh

Photos 

Quotes 

• Cooper : Young man! Where have you been? I was up all night worried sick. Do you know what time it is?

  Josh : I LOVE college. I love everything about it. The people, the freedom. This room. This chair. Look at this chair!

  Cooper : You had sex last night didn't you?

  Josh : That's a nice shirt.

• Josh : [discussing their flawed plan at the same time their friends are on the other side of the door thinking it's a lovers quarrel]  Neither of us have ever done anything like this before so if we're gonna go through it, I want us to be safe!

  Cooper : Oh fine, I just thought you and I were tight back there. Just don't ever pull out on me again.

  Josh : I pulled out because I don't think you know what you're doing.

  Cooper : I'm taking over from here! You know Josh, you are so anal!

  [all the friends run after this] 

• Cooper : I need my Jimmy!

  Josh : No Jimmy, repeat: no Jimmy.

• Josh : It was so easy. I mean, I didn't have to do anything. To make it happen. It was just like. "Time for sex. We're gonna have sex now. Prepare for sex."

• Josh : I'm not gonna commit suicide, if that's what you're thinking.

  Cooper : Aw come on Josh, you're fucked anyway. At least this way, one of us comes out on top.

  Josh : Then you kill YOURself.

  Cooper : Naw, I just couldn't see that working.

• Matt : [singing]  My words in my sperm, spewing forth my tragic...

  Matt : What the fuck do you two what?

  Josh : Are you a musician?

  Cooper : Are you in a band?

  Matt : Kiss... My... Arse.

  Josh : What?

  [Josh and Cooper look at each other puzzled] 

  Matt : That's the name of the bleeding band.

  Josh : Oh, you're gonna be playing the big pre-finals party.

  Matt : Yeah, that's right - if I'm still around.

  Cooper : What do you mean?

  Matt : And who the fuck are you? Fucking Kurt Löder?

  Matt : WOULD YOU PISS OFF AND SHUT MY FUCKING DOOR!

  [Josh and Cooper hurriedly close the door, but remain in the room] 

  Matt : Piss off!

  Josh : Oh, Piss off.

  Cooper : [On the way out of the room]  What the fuck does piss off mean?

• Josh : There's only one thing that can save you now.

  Cooper : What? Valium?

  Josh : No, studying! You need to study.

  Cooper : What? You're insane!

• Cooper : [caught by their clueless friends, Cooper grabs Josh and pretends to have an intimate moment with him in the bushes]  Can we have some privacy, please?

  Cooper : [the friends leave]  That was close.

  Josh : Cooper, they're probably thinking we're making out here.

  Cooper : [amused]  I know, they're totally in the dark.