Dilbert (1999–2000)

Daniel Stern: Dilbert

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dilbert : What makes you qualified to be a reporter?

  Dogbert : I'm willing to to violate anyone's privacy for my personal gain and then claim with a straight face that the public has a right to know.

• Wally : Wow. I never knew that little people could be so sexy

  Alice : That's disgusting. I can sue you both for making this a hostile work environment

  Dilbert : Ten minutes ago you beat a man senseless.

  Alice : He was senseless before I beat him.

• Dilmom : Standard Scrabble rules apply: no kicking, biting or slapping. No projectiles of any kind.

  Dilbert : Name calling?

  Dilmom : Only on your own turn.

• Dogbert : I'll bet you twenty bucks that giving doesn't feel good.

  Dilbert : You're on my cynical friend.

  Dogbert : To settle the bet, give me forty dollars and see if it feels good.

  Dilbert : That would NOT feel good.

  Dogbert : Then give me twenty dollars because you lost the bet.

  Dilbert : Did I just make a bet where I would lose twenty dollars either way?

• Dilbert : You said you'd wake me up at eight.

  Dogbert : I also said women are attracted to men shaped like potatoes.

• [In a traffic jam] 

  Dilbert : Why are we all forced to go to work at the same time? Who arbitrarily decided that 8 AM was a good time for everyone to go to work?

• Dilbert : Ratbert, where's Dogbert?

  Ratbert : He's off somewhere installing a puppet government.

  Dilbert : He's always off somewhere installing a puppet government.

• Dilbert : Thanks, Dogbert. You really bailed me out.

  Dogbert : Oh, it's nothing you wouldn't've done for me if you weren't you and I wasn't me and everything was completely different.

• Dilbert : That's it. I think I've done it.

  Dogbert : That's not the word on the street.

• Dilbert : What do you think an egg dream means?

  Dogbert : Hmm, probably an omen.

  Dilbert : A good omen?

  Dogbert : How many good omens involve things that come out of a chicken's butt?

  Dilbert : There only has to be one.

• Dilbert : This fantasy has been a profound disappointment.

• Pointy-Haired Boss : I don't see anything that could stand in our way.

  Dilbert : Sanity? Reality? The laws of physics?

• Dilbert : Well I'll be.

  Garbageman : Actually, you already are.

• Wally : Carpe diem, Dilbert.

  Dilbert : 'Seize the day.'

  Wally : What?

  Dilbert : Carpe diem.

  Wally : I think that's a fish.

• Dilbert : Must one person's triumph be another's humiliation?

  Alice : Of course.

• Dilbert : There's nothing wrong with my verbal skills. It only seems that way because my math skills are so high.

• Dilbert : Do you ever get tired of watching bad things happen to people?

  Dogbert : That's crazy talk.

• Asok : You can use my key to open the box with its teeth.

  Dilbert : To open this box I'll need something stronger than a key.

  Asok : I once killed a cougar with this key.

  [pause] 

  Asok : It was a really small cougar.

  [pause] 

  Asok : It might have been a potato.

• Pointy-Haired Boss : Dillbert! Are you listening?

  Dilbert : Of course I am. I've learned how to multi-task.

  Loud Howard : But men can't multi-task. Only women can multi-task.

• Dilbert : What's wrong with me?

  Dogbert : I was going to wait until the second trimester to tell you but you're pregnant with the sperm of a cow, an Amishman

  Dilmom : A hilbilly, and a Martian.

• Dilbert : [after witnessing Elbonian workers falling into an acid vat]  Shouldn't there be a guard rail around that?

  Elbonian Slavedriver : [laughing]  That's a good one.

• Seven of Nine alarm clock : [as Dilbert reaches over to hit the snooze button]  Don't touch me!

  Dilbert : Then how do I turn you off?

  Seven of Nine alarm clock : I am PLENTY turned off right now!

  Dilbert : Clock tease.

• Dogbert : Nature will take its course.

  Dilbert : How long will that take?

  Dogbert : Not long. I'm part of nature.

• Dilbert : It's impossible to turn into a Chicken.

  Wally : A Chicken, yes. But a Chicken-Man, that can happen!