The Full Monty (1997)

Mark Addy: Dave

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Quotes 

• Dave : Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream there is not.

• Dave : [discussing possible means of suicide]  I know. You could stand in middle of road and have a mate run smack into you right fast.

  Lomper : Haven't got any mates...

  Gary 'Gaz' Schofield : Listen to you, we just saved your fucking life so don't tell us we're not your mates, all right?

  Lomper : Really?

  Gary 'Gaz' Schofield : Yeah.

  Lomper : Thanks. Thanks a lot.

  Dave : Yeah, me and all, I'd run ya down as soon as look at ya.

  Lomper : Oh aye? Cheers.

• Gaz : I don't suppose you could lend us a jacket...

  Dave : Oh, Gaz...

  Gaz : Oh, come on, Dave, it's not for me, it's a funeral.

  Dave : [pause]  What color?

  Gaz : [pause]  Orange.

  Dave : Orange?

  Gaz : *Black* for fuck's sake!

  Dave : Okay, go on, I'll meet you back doors.

• Dave : The less I eat, the fatter I get.

  Lomper : So stuff yourself and get thin!

• Dave : [discussing possible means of suicide]  Drownin'. Now there's a way to go.

  Lomper : I can't swim.

  Gaz : Well you don't have to fucking swim, you divvy, that's the whole point. God, you're not very keen are you?

  Lomper : Sorry...

• Dave : [When presented with the first images of "Flashdance"]  Hey, what's this? I didn't go on the nick in Asda for some chuffin' women's DYI video!

  Gaz : It's "Flashdance", Dave. She's a welder, isn't she!

  Dave : A welder? Well, I hope she dances better than she welds! I mean, look at that - her mix is all to cock!

  Dave : Shut up, Dave. What the fuck do you know about welding, anyway?

  Dave : More than some chuffin' woman! Arh, it's like Bonfire Night! That's too much acetylene, is that! Them joints will hold fuck all!

  Gerald : Arh, for Christ's sake, Dave. We're looking for dancing, aren't we!

  Gaz : He's got the hump about Asda!

• Dave : [after learning that two of their friends are gay]  Ah, well, there's nowt as queer as folk...

  [begins laughing] 

• Gaz : [stuck with Dave on top of a car in the middle of a canal]  Ey up, someone's coming.

  Passer-By : All right?

  Gaz : Aye, not so bad.

  Dave : [after the Passer-by leaves]  Not so bad? Not so bad? That's not much of a chuffing SOS is it?

• Dave : [Gaz tries to convince Dave to steal a videotape]  Why me?

  Gaz : Because you've got an honest face, lad; I've got "serial killer" written on me forehead.

• Dave : Well, I just pray they're a bit more understanding about us, that's all.

  Horse : You what?

  Dave : Well, they're going to be looking at us like that, aren't they, Eh? I mean, what if next Friday 400 women turn 'round and say "He's too fat, he's too old and he's a pigeon-chested little tosser."? What happens then, eh?

  Horse : They wouldn't say that, would they?

  Dave : Why not? He's just said her tits are too big.

  Lomper : That's different. We're... blokes.

  Dave : Yeah, and?

  Gerald : I think she's got nice tits, actually.

  Lomper : I never said owt about her personality, like. I mean, she's probably quite nice if you get to know her.

  Dave : No. And they won't say nowt about your personality neither. Which is good 'cause you're basically a bastard. Bollocks to your personality - this is what they're looking at, right? And I'll tell you summat, mate. Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream there is none.

• [before the first rehearsal Gaz has hurtled off to find Dave, finding him working as a security guard in Asda] 

  Gaz : Dave! What are you doing?

  Dave : What's it look like?

  Gaz : We're on in three days time, where the fuck are you?

  Dave : I'm here, working, earning, that's where. Not pissing about! End of chat!

• Gaz : I need an audience

  Dave : You need a doctor!

• Dave : Put down and piss off.

• Gerald Arthur Cooper : Fat, David, is a feminist issue.

  Dave : Well, what's that supposed to mean, when it's at home?

  Gerald Arthur Cooper : I don't bloody know, do I? But it is.

• Dave : [referring to himself and his weight]  Who wants to see this dance?

  Jean : Me, Dave. I do.

• Dave : We want to know about dancing that's all.

  Gerald Arthur Cooper : Dancers have coordination, skill, timing, fitness, and grace. Take a long, hard look in the mirror.

• Dave : It's amazin' how tirin' it is doin' nowt, y'know?

• Dave : [to Gaz]  Don't you EVER call me a fat bastard again!

• Dave : [nodding at Horse]  Oh aye, I can just see him doing all that twizzling about bollocks!

• [Gaz and Dave are waiting in Gerald's lawn for him to leave for work] 

  Dave : He's got gnomes.

  Gaz : Aye, he bloody would have.