Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves! (1997 TV Movie)

Stuart Pankin: Gordon Szalinski

Photos 

Quotes 

• Gordon Szalinski : You are dead meat, mister!

  Wayne Szalinski : Gordon, you're three-quarters of an inch tall, now's not the time.

• Diane Szalinski : If they don't un-shrink us they will be in so much trouble!

  Gordon Szalinski : Oh yeah? What are you going to do about it, Thumbelina?

• Wayne Szalinski : The kids are messy eaters, so there'll be plenty of crumbs for us to eat.

  Gordon Szalinski : Wayne, we're not gonna spend the rest of our lives tiny; we're going to get big again... somehow.

• Gordon Szalinski : We have critical mass!

• Jill : This stuff is really good. What's in it?

  Wayne : [He and Gordon are all covered in onion dip sauce]  The Szalinski brothers!

  Gordon Szalinski : Yep.

• Gordon Szalinski : [test-drinking the tequila to make his and Wayne's bodies glow]  Cheers.

  Wayne Szalinski : [at first doesn't realize]  It's not working. It's supposed to make my body glow.

  Gordon Szalinski : Mmm-hmm. Open your shirt.

  Wayne Szalinski : [lifts his shirt up]  Gee, is that my stomach?

  Gordon Szalinski : Yeah. And here's mine. The problem is, the liquid just stays in your gut. I don't know what to do.

  Wayne Szalinski : Well obviously, it's not getting enough absorbent in the bloodstream. Have you tried going through the calcium channel?

  Gordon Szalinski : The calcium channel?

  Wayne Szalinski : Yeah, and mix it with milk. That'll make it work. It's obvious.

  Gordon Szalinski : Hey, I'm not without ideas. I was gonna suggest making the highway workers wear tube tops.

• Jenny Szalinski : [after all their moms left]  Now what?

  Wayne Szalinski : You guys are all guests in my house this weekend, and I want us to have a good time. So I planned a little kickoff surprise. We are gonna use marshmallows, and gumdrops, to make models of water molecules.

  [the kids briefly just stand there staring at Wayne like he's going crazy] 

  Wayne Szalinski : What do you think?

  Mitch Szalinski : You're a maniac, Uncle Wayne!

  Wayne Szalinski : [laughs]  I know. Anyway, we're going to put them together-- Oh darn, I forgot to get toothpicks. I'm gonna need you guys to run down to the mini-mart for me. How much do you think toothpicks cost?

  Jenny Szalinski : Oh, about 6 or 7 dollars a box.

  Wayne Szalinski : [gives Jenny a 10 dollar bill]  Well, here's a 10. If there's any change get yourselves some snacks. But see if you can get back within an hour or so, okay? For some molecule action.

  [the kids leave] 

  Gordon Szalinski : Wayne, that's not like you. You forgot to get toothpicks.

  [Wayne hysterically giggles] 

  Gordon Szalinski : What? What's so funny?

  Wayne Szalinski : It was just a ruse to get them out of the house.

  Gordon Szalinski : A ruse? Why?

  Wayne Szalinski : To save Tiki Man.

• [Wayne and Gordon have carried the Tiki Man up the stairs into the attic] 

  Gordon Szalinski : The thing's only seven feet tall. Call me crazy, I think Diane might notice this.

  Wayne Szalinski : Not if I shrink it.

  [Wayne pulls a sheet off the refurbished shrinking machine] 

  Gordon Szalinski : Wow. The machine looks beautiful!

  Wayne Szalinski : Yeah. I got it out of mothballs and polished it up for the Smithsonian.

  [beat] 

  Wayne Szalinski : I'm gonna fire it up.

  [Wayne begins frantically flipping switches and pressing buttons] 

  Gordon Szalinski : Right.

  [realizes what Wayne's just said] 

  Gordon Szalinski : Oh, no. No, no! You're not gonna start it -- start it up again? You can't start it up again! You were banned from using this by a joint committee of the FDA and your wife!

  Wayne Szalinski : Is the FDA here? Is my wife here? I've made up my mind. I'm gonna shrink that Tiki Man so I can carry it with me always. Besides, it's a point of honor!