Mousehunt (1997)
Lee Evans: Lars Smuntz
Photos
Quotes
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Lars : Well Maury, these are all kittens. We were hoping for an older cat, one with... experience?
Maury, the Cat Care Society Owner : That's a switch. Most people like the cute little ones. Experience with what?
Ernie : Mouse-hunting.
Maury, the Cat Care Society Owner : Ah, all cats are good mousers.
Ernie : Yes, but you see, we have huge rats, the size of sumo wrestlers, and lots of 'em, so we really need a ferocious feline, preferably one with a history of mental illness. I'm talkin'... one mean pussy.
Lars : Yeah! A vicious cat. Difficult to love; you got any of those, knocking about your cages?
Maury, the Cat Care Society Owner : Funny you should ask. I had given up hope of anyone wanting him. We were about to gas him again.
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Lars : I don't believe it. He snapped the trap, ate the olive and left the pit just to mock us!
Ernie : I think you're giving him a little too much credit. Mice don't mock. They don't have a sense of humor or irony. He's not sitting in his hole in a smoking jacket sipping cognac, and giggling to himself, "I left the pit!" The trap snapped itself, the olive flew off and he ate it. It's just that simple. But now that he knows we're here, he won't come within a mile of us. I don't think we'll be seeing any more of that...
[sees mouse in cereal bowl]
Ernie : MOUSE!
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Lars : You can't leave well enough alone can you? You-you ruin everything!
Ernie : Me? Wh-you blame me for this?
[gesturing to the crater]
Lars : Well, look! You blew a hole in the floor!
Ernie : Yeah, well, I distinctly remember somebody yelling, 'Shoot! Shoot!'
Lars : Yeah, well, you never listened to me before!
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[the mouse is lying helpless in front of the two Smuntzes]
Lars : Look, he's still breathing.
Ernie : Well, kill him! Find a blunt object!
[Lars grabs a fireplace shovel and raises it over the mouse]
Ernie : Let him have it!
[Lars tries several times, but can't]
Ernie : What the hell are you waiting for?
Lars : I can't just hit him with a shovel.
Ernie : Why not?
Lars : Well, look at him, he's pathetic!
Ernie : Pathetic? He's Hitler with a tail! This is The Omen with whiskers! Nostradamus didn't see this thing coming!
Lars : Ernie, he's a living thing...
Ernie : Not for long, give me that!
[He grabs the shovel and tries to whack the mouse, but can't]
Ernie : I CAN'T!
[He sobs, beating his own forehead with the shovel]
Ernie : Look at him just lying there. It just doesn't feel very sportsmanlike!
Lars : We'd better do something quick, I think he's coming to!
[Cut to Lars and Ernie driving to the Post Office. Ernie is holding a small box addressed "TO FIDEL CASTRO, HAVANA, CUBA." Scratching is heard inside the box, and Ernie raises it to his ear]
Ernie : Aw... I forgot to put holes in the box.
[Ernie chuckles evilly. At the Post Office, they drop the box through a slot and watch it slide down the mail chute]
Ernie : Hasta la vista, you little rat bastard!
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Ernie : [to Lars] Come on. You loved string!
Lars : I didn't love string!
Ernie : Well, you could have fooled me! You and Pop were always huddled together running some piece of something through your fingers. It didn't matter what I did. I didn't even exist! I made him my special rack of lamb for his 70th birthday.
Lars : [sighing in resignation] Oh, no!
Ernie : Yes! You remember. I slaved over that meal, making sure everything was perfect. Did he say, "Thanks, Ernie, it was delicious"? No. He only noticed the string I had tied it with.
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[first lines]
Lars : [at their father's funeral, they carry his coffin down the steps of a cathedral] Hold your end up higher, you're not holding it.
Ernie : I am too.
Lars : You are not.
Ernie : Don't worry about me. Hey, isn't that suit charcoal?
Lars : No.
Ernie : Looks charcoal gray to me, some gray polyester blend. Couldn't even find a black suit for your own father's funeral.
Lars : It's black.
Ernie : No, I'm sure it's gray.
Lars : It's black.
Ernie : Gray.
Lars : Black.
Ernie : Gray.
Lars : Black!
Ernie : Fine, it's black. It's the grayest black I've ever seen.
Lars : It doesn't matter what color it is!
[the handle on the coffin breaks off and the coffin slides down the steps]
Lars : I'm sorry, Pop! I'm sorry!
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[the Smuntzes have covered the entire kitchen floor with mousetraps]
Lars : Don't you think this is a little much?
Ernie : Never underestimate your opponent. Let's say he has mastered a way to empty a mousetrap without getting caught. If he snaps one of these babies, a chain reaction will start snapping them all. He'll panic, and the law of averages says one of them has to nab him.
Lars : Not bad.
Ernie : Yes, well, I like to use both sides of my brain. Come on, let's hit the sack.
[they get up to leave, only to realize they locked the door and that they are all trapped in with a bunch of loaded mousetraps]
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Ernie : [reading the tag on the side of the cage] "Catzilla"?
Maury, the Cat Care Society Owner : Oh, you know the guys who clean up call him that. But you can call him anything you want. I'd say he looks more like a "Fluffy."
Lars : [leans down] Aw, poor little Catzilla. You want a home, don't you? You want to get out of here. Well, you're gonna have to kill, kill, kill for it!
Ernie : You're a stupid cat, aren't you? Yes, you are! And you're ugly, too...
[the cat lunges, Maury subdues him with a taser]
Lars : [noticing his torn coat sleeve] Oh, you little bastard!
Ernie : We'll take him!
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Ernie : [taking off his hat to a female passerby] Hey, merry Christmas!
[she drops some change in his hat and keeps walking]
Ernie : Yeah, I was on top once, too. But there's only one way to go from there, and that's down, baby! Down! No...
[he brushes off the limo driver and flings the change into a sewer grate]
Lars : Ernie!
[Lars picks up a coin from the snow]
Lars : Ernie! Ernie, there was a quarter in there.
Ernie : A quarter? You think so small, Lars. Look at the bigger picture. You have no home, you have no wife, you have no money, you have no discernible talents! How can you ignore that?
Lars : Ernie, it's Christmas. Instead of dwelling on what we don't have, we should be thankful for what we do have.
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[Ernie takes a shotgun off the wall]
Lars : What are you gonna do?
Ernie : I'm gonna kill that unspeakable thing once and for all.
Lars : Ernie, no, no...
Ernie : Stay back, Lars! I'm a man on a mission!
Lars : This is how accidents happen, come on, Ernie, just put the gun down...
Ernie : I'm gonna blow his furry little head off, and I'm gonna splatter his devious little mouse brain from here to kingdom come!
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[the Smuntzes get covered in sewage in trying to suck up the mouse with a vacuum, only to get it attached to the sewage line. Meanwhile, they also receive a notice from the bank about the house being foreclosed]
Ernie : [seeing the notice] What's this?
The Banker : We're foreclosing on your house. You quit paying your mortgage.
Ernie : Oh, wait a minute, I think there's been some mistake. This house is paid for.
The Banker : No, it *was* paid for, but you borrowed against it. If you don't pay the $1,200 overdue, we repossess it.
Lars : [in disbelief] Twelve hundred dollars?
Ernie : How long do we have?
The Banker : One week from, uh, five days ago.
Ernie : [shocked] That's two days! Look, we don't have the time or the energy to deal with these petty problems now. We're in the midst of an extensive renovation.
The Banker : [noticing that they're covered in sewage] Looks like you're off to a great start.
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Lars : [as his wife is packing a suitcase] Please, April, don't go.
April Smuntz : I'm not going anywhere.
[frame cuts to Lars standing on the porch with the suitcase]
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Lars : We made love in a way I've-I've only ever seen in nature films!
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Lars Smuntz : [they are trying to vacuum up the mouse, they instead are vacuuming up sewage] Goddamn, the mouse stinks!
Ernest Smuntz : And animals always do.
Lars Smuntz , Ernest Smuntz : [they start laughing maniacally]
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Ernie : I hate you!
Lars : And I hate you!
Ernie : Not as much as I hate you!
Lars : Yeah!
Ernie : Yeah, DOUBLE! DOUBLE! Oh, give me something!
[Starts looking for something to throw. Lars grabs an orange]
Ernie : I'm gonna brain you!
Lars : 'Ere it is!
Ernie : Oh, yeah! Give it to me then! Go ahead!
[Lars throws the orange. Ernie ducks and the orange hits the mouse, who was watching. Ernie spots the mouse]
Ernie : [Almost relieved] You killed him!
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[Quoting his father]
Lars : A world without string is chaos.
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Lars : You used to love string.
April Smuntz : That was before, when I was dating the son of wealthy string magnate! Not now when I am married to the half-owner of a worthless deathtrap!
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[Ernie shoots at the mouse with a gun, but misses twice and reloads]
Lars Smuntz : Are you crazy? You're blowing the whole house up! The *only* thing you haven't hit so far is the *mouse*! Why don't you give somebody else a chance with that gun?
[Ernie cocks and aims between his brother's eyes with a dark scowl]
Lars Smuntz : [quickly] You're doing a wonderful job.
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Auctioneer : Built in 1876, the last LaRue known in existence has five bedrooms...
Lars Smuntz : [whispering] Did you see him?
Ernie Smuntz : [whispering] Yes!
Lars Smuntz : I thought so.
Ernie Smuntz : He ate the string.
Lars Smuntz : What?
Ernie Smuntz : The string. Pop's lucky string! The son of a bitch ate it! Why didn't you tell me you saw him?
Lars Smuntz : I didn't, but I found this.
[shows Ernie a box with a hole in the corner; Ernie snatches the box]
Ernie Smuntz : [sadly] I told you, you should've weighed him.
Lars Smuntz : I'm sorry. Did you see where it went?
Ernie Smuntz : No, but it can't have gone far.
Auctioneer : Well, shall we start the bidding at one million dollars?
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Ernie Smuntz : Well, it wasn't easy, but we finally made it.
Lars Smuntz : Mm-hmm. Ernie, I want you to have something.
[takes a handkerchief out of his coat, unfolds it, and hands a piece of string to Ernie; Ernie sighs happily]
Ernie Smuntz : Pop's lucky piece of string. I'm glad you kept it.
Lars Smuntz : He, uh, he wanted us to share it. I don't know why, but... I think if he were here right now, he'd be proud of you.
Ernie Smuntz : I think he'd be proud of us.
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[from trailer]
Narrator : The Smuntz Brothers have inherited their father's old house.
Lars Smuntz : I'm sorry, Pop! I'm sorry!
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Lars Smuntz : Looks like Caesar decided to make himself a sandwich.
Ernie Smuntz : Pickles, arugula and capers. He toasted the side with the cheese - but not the other side... so the arugula doesn't wilt. How did he know that?
[the sandwich starts to crawl away from Ernie's hand]
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Lars Smuntz : Wow, I can't believe Pop never told us about this house. It's huge!
Ernie Smuntz : Eh, this is just the kind of house I'd expect him to have. It's just like him: Cold and spooky.
Lars Smuntz : [shudders] Did you feel that?
Ernie Smuntz : What?
Lars Smuntz : I got a chill. You shouldn't talk about Pop like that.
Ernie Smuntz : [sarcastically] Really? What's *this* do for you!
[yells to his father's spirit; Lars plugs his ears]
Ernie Smuntz : Thanks for *nothin'*, you string-sucking old loon!
Lars Smuntz : [unplugs his ears and looks heavenward; whispering while shaking his head] He didn't mean it, Pop.
-
[Ernie and Lars have found several posters in the attic; Ernie unrolls one on the kitchen table; they study it]
Ernie Smuntz : They're blueprints.
Lars Smuntz : Wow.
Ernie Smuntz : Wait a minute, look at this date! "1876"! A centennial house could actually be worth something!
Lars Smuntz : This must be the architect, here, look. "Charles... Lyle LaRue." Charles Lyle LaRue.
Ernie Smuntz : Charles Lyle LaRue?
