Being John Malkovich (1999)
Catherine Keener: Maxine Lund
Photos
Quotes
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Maxine : Let's have sex on his table and then make him eat an omelette off of it.
John Malkovich : NO!
[Craig regains control]
Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich) : Shut up, you overrated piece of shit.
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Craig Schwartz : There's a tiny door in my office, Maxine. It's a portal and it takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes... and then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out... into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike.
Maxine : Sounds great! Who the fuck is John Malkovich?
Craig Schwartz : Oh, he's an actor. He's one of the great American actors of the 20th century.
Maxine : Oh yeah? What's he been in?
Craig Schwartz : Lots of things. That jewel thief movie, for example. He's very well respected. Anyway, the point is... this is a very odd thing. It's supernatural, for lack of a better word. I mean, it raises all sorts of philosophical-type questions, you know... about the nature of self, about the existence of a soul. You know, am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? I had a piece of wood in my hand Maxine. I don't have it any more. Where is it? Did it disappear? How could that be? Is it still in Malkovich's head? I don't know! Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is? I don't see how I could go on living my life the way I've lived it before.
[Maxine gestures toward a 7.5 story high window]
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Maxine : Meet you in Malkovich in one hour.
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Craig Schwartz : I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like.
Maxine : Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin.
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Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich) : You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls.
Maxine : You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people!
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Maxine : Do you have any idea what it's like to have two people look at you, with total lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes? Wow. Nah, I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craigy!
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Craig Schwartz : If I can guess your name in three tries, you have to come have a drink with me tonight.
Maxine : Why not?
Craig Schwartz : Okay. You look like a... BarrrRuuu - BellllLuuuu - Lllll - Carolllll - Taaaa-Sharrr - - SusaaannnEmmmmilllly - - Marr - laaarr - Maax... ine - M-M-M - Maxine?
Maxine : Yeah! Who told you?
Craig Schwartz : Nobody told me. That just came out. Isn't that odd?
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Maxine : Here's the thing: If you ever got me, you wouldn't have a clue what to do with me.
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Craig Schwartz : I like you, I don't know what it is about you.
Maxine : My tits?
Craig Schwartz : No! No, no, no.
Maxine : No?
Craig Schwartz : It's your energy, your attitude, you know, the way you carry yourself.
Maxine : You're not a fag, are you?
Craig Schwartz : No, I am really attracted to you.
Maxine : "No, I am really attracted to you", Christ, you are a fag. Okay, we can share recipes if you like, darling.
Craig Schwartz : No, no, I love your tits, love 'em. I want to fuck you!
Maxine : Great! Now we're gettin' somewhere. Not a chance.
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Maxine : Craig! I just - I don't find you attractive. And Lotte, I'm smitten with you. I am; but, only when you're in Malkovich. When I looked into his eyes last night, I could feel you peering out.
Lotte Schwartz : Really?
Maxine : Behind the stubble and the too prominent brow and the male pattern baldness, I sensed your feminine longing. And it just slew me.
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[During sex]
John Malkovich : Did you call me Lotte?
Maxine : Yeah, do you mind?
John Malkovich : No, not really.
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First J.M. Inc. Customer : Now when you say that I can be somebody else, whaddya mean exactly?
Craig Schwartz : Well, we mean exactly that. We can put you inside someone else's body, for fifteen minutes.
First J.M. Inc. Customer : Can I be anybody that I wanna be?
Craig Schwartz : Well, you... actually...
Maxine : You can be John Malkovich.
First J.M. Inc. Customer : Perfect! It's... my... second choice, but it's wonderful. I'm a fat man. I'm sad and I...
Maxine : Two hundred dollars.
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Craig Schwartz : I was thinking about what you were saying the other day, about the orientation film being bullshit.
Maxine : Yes?
Craig Schwartz : I think maybe you're on to something.
Maxine : And fifty other lines to get into a girl's pants.
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Maxine : You're not someone I could get interested in, Craig. You play with dolls.
Craig Schwartz : Puppets, Maxine. You see, it's the idea of being inside someone else's skin and seeing what they see and feeling what they feel.
Maxine : Yeechs!
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[Answering the phone]
Maxine : J.M. Inc.: Be all that someone else can be.
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Craig Schwartz : Hi. Do you know that I don't even know your name, or where you work?
Maxine : Yeah.
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Maxine : Well, my nipples are at attention, General Malkovich, sir!
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Craig Schwartz : My name is Craig Schwartz - and we operate a little business here that simulates for our clientele, well, the experience - of being you, actually.
John Malkovich : Simulate?
Craig Schwartz : Yeah, after a fashion.
John Malkovich : What exactly does that mean?
Craig Schwartz : Well, it's hard to describe.
John Malkovich : I want to do it.
Craig Schwartz : Well, I'm sure that would pale in comparison to the actual experience.
John Malkovich : I want to do it!
Craig Schwartz : Well, right now, Mr. Hiroshi's in the tube and he's got...
Maxine : Let him do it, Craig.
Craig Schwartz : Of course! Right this way, Mr. Malkovich. Compliments of the house.
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Craig Schwartz : What happens when a man goes through his own portal?
Maxine : We'll see.
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Craig Schwartz : Can I buy you a drink, Maxine?
Maxine : Are you married?
Craig Schwartz : Yes, but enough about me.
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Maxine : Tell me a little about yourself.
Craig Schwartz : Well, I'm a puppeteer...
Maxine : [turns to bartender] Check!
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Maxine : Meet me at the Stuck Pig... at eight o'clock. If you're late, I walk.
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Maxine : Oh, you know what? The puppeteer told me he loved me today. I know, I can't think of anything more pathetic!
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Maxine : I need you for this, Craigy. You're my man on the inside.
Craig Schwartz : You need me? I'm your man?
Maxine : Sure, whatever.
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Craig Schwartz : We don't know the significance of this thing. It might be dangerous to toy with.
Maxine : Well, I'll protect you, doll face.
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Maxine : Oh, Lotte. Lotte, this is so good!
Craig Schwartz : [inside John Malkovich watching Maxine] My God!
Maxine : Lotte.
Craig Schwartz : [inside John Malkovich watching Maxine] This is amazing.
Maxine : Lotte.
Craig Schwartz : [inside John Malkovich watching Maxine] Oh, touch her breast. Touch her breast. Right hand across left breast now.
Maxine : Lotte!
Craig Schwartz : [inside John Malkovich watching Maxine] Move right hand across left breast now! Move right hand across left breast now!
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John Malkovich : Something was making me talk. Some - goddamn thing was making me move. I gotta get outta here.
Maxine : Oh, doll face! It was just - your passion for me taking hold.
John Malkovich : No! Doll face, I know what my passion taking hold feels like.