Half Baked (1998)

Jim Breuer: Brian

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Quotes 

• Brian : First of all to understand what happened to killer, you gotta understand who killer the dog was. Now killer was born to a three-legged bitch of a mother. He was always ashamed of this, man. And then right after that he's adopted by this man, Tito Liebowitz he's a small time gun runner and a rotweiler fight promoter. So he puts killer into training. They see killer's good. He is damn good. But then he had the fight of his life. They pit him against his brother nibbles. And killer said "no man that's my brother, I can't fight nibbles" but they made him fight anyway, and killer, he killed nibbles. Killer said "that's it!" he called off all his fights, and he started doing crack, and he freaked out. Then in a rage, he collapsed, and his heart no longer beat. wow.

  Thurgood : You know uh, I never thought I'd say this to anybody, but you two smoke entirely too much reefer.

• Brian : Lady, seven bucks for a used Kenny Loggins record? I'll give you five.

  Record Store Customer : Ugh-huh, he autographed it himself.

  Brian : All right, I'll give you four.

• Brian : Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.

  Kenny : That's it?

  Thurgood : Yeah, get me a box of condoms, and, what was that thing we used to eat back in the day? What was it... oh yeah, pussy.

  Kenny : You got it.

• Brian : For 400 dollars I got Jerry Garcia in a pouch, man!

  Thurgood : Who the fuck told you that?

  Brian : The man who sold it to me, Barry Garcia.

  Thurgood : So who is that, Jerry Garcia's brother?

  Brian : No, actually it was Andy Garcia's brother.

• Thurgood : [to Mary Jane]  Listen, I really like you. I was just wondering maybe if you're interested we can go out later and get some ice cream or something...

  Scarface : OOH! MOTHER FUCKER SAID ICE CREAM!

  Brian : BLAH BLAH ICE CREAM! YOU'RE SUCH A DORK, MAN!

  Thurgood : Damn!

• Brian : I'm not gonna do what everyone thinks I'm gonna do and... FLIP OUT man... all I wanna know is... who's coming with me? Who's coming, man? Who's coming with me?

• Thurgood : You know I got some weed at work today, if y'all wanna try it out.

  Scarface : Nah, we don't feel like smokin right now.

  Thurgood : Me neither. So y'all wanna smoke?

  Scarface : I'll get Billy Bong Thornton!

  Brian : No man. No Billy Bong Thornton without Kenny. That wouldn't be right. Get Wesley Pipes. Yeah!

• Brian : You said you gave Mary Jane a pearl necklace!

  Thurgood : Obviously you missed the whole point of that story, Brian.

• Scarface : Don't worry, man. All we gotta do to get you out is to get ten percent of ten million dollars. Which by our calculations is...

  Brian : ...Fucking impossible, man!

• Brian : Hey, Jan... will you be my girlfriend?

  Jan : Well, I would, but I'm gay. I'm a big dyke.

  Brian : Oh. What's that like?

• Detective : Hey! You paying attention?

  Brian : No.

• Brian : [after burying Killer]  What happened, man?

  Scarface : You wanna know what happened? I'll tell you what happened. Samson and his girls came rollin' up in here lookin' for me. 'Cause they said they was gonna mess me up if I didn't bring them Mr. Nice Guy. So they probably ruffed The Guy up, then they started going to war with the apartment. They got num-chuks, bolos, they be doin' Indian burns... and Killer paid the price, yo. You know, he got the wrath. He got the wrath of the num-chuks, yo!

• Thurgood : Oh my goodness! Now that is a titty! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!

  Brian : Bully! That's a certified fully!